Dropped AECto station.
Bought a new f'in while reading the paper.
Came home, toilet, watch recorded TV
... next please.
My life would be no different, almost no different if I wasn't around.
If the situation arises that I gave nowhere to live, I'd really have Ro reconsider the options - since my life consists if keeping dry, toiletting an eating when I can.
Thought about eating lunch with the kids... MADC not interested, AEC wants something different.
Tonight both are out with friends.
11pm, and I just realised that after being alone for so long, I have no idea what I'd talk about if the company appeared. I can certainly keep up with current affairs and technical logo, but nobody I've heard recently gas the slightest interest in either! Let's see what happens when the opportunity arises.
I'm so bored, I feel like eating... but that means going out and spending (and getting fat)... so I just sit here alone, like a vegetable. No-ones else is home... but if FMA was here, we wouldn't be talking anyway.
SEEKING VALIDATION...
About two weeks ago, an acquaintance, asked if I 'd like to meet up with his friend (an IEEE member and senior exec in a large telco) - to which I said yes - of course! - any time. The appointment was pushed back until after Easter to clear the holiday period. This week, a firm date was made for today at noon in the city.
Yesterday, confirmed to meet 'there', rather than travel in together.
This morning, I pulled myself together, wobbled up to the bus stop, caught a bus and train, arrived a bit early to ensure I wasn't a spanner in the works. Texted my host to let him know I was outside the building... as time grew closer I moved inside and updated where to look for me...
Appointment time comes and goes... Ten minutes later the phone rings. 12:10pm... "Oh sorry, I saw your message!, it completely slipped my mind. A family matter cropped up and I'm still at home".
"I'll call the person we are seeing to see if he can still meet up with you."
Another five minutes pass - kindly, the person is in front of me - apologizing as he has another meeting at 12:30. Let's have a coffee.
Of course I'm appreciative, and have a water while he drinks his coffee - and small talk for 10 minutes to 'scope each other out', then five minutes of 'what could we offer each other' - very useful, but way too short. Sigh (again).
At least we exchanged email addresses, and hopefully I can interest him with some documents about Freedom/Diversiti, and perhaps PingThing and Manifesto.
Fingers crossed. Seems to be my permanent state of professional engagement!
Over my life, I've never taken risks.... yet it seems that I've ultimately failed at everything. Look where I am now.
I also have never learned how to relax. Ever. The good news is that I can sleep almost anywhere at any time - so my recovery cycle seems ok... apart from all the serious health problems!
Date and time is virtually irrelevant in this diary.
I've been in the same situation for four years, that leaves me in the #WTD category unless something happens magically. I'm not a big believer in magic, so I just plough on with what I have until my turn is over.
Yikes. I just saw a guy who became a pop-culture icon because played the first complete flawless game of PacMan in the 1980s... still being dragged out in the 20x0s as a cultural benchmark... I was really following the wrong values as I grew up!
-------
I'd really like to be of some value to someone.
I made plenty of mistakes, but didn't kill anyone! Literally no one seems to have a use for me in their circle.
No-one I know seems keen to have me around, or to be around me. I'm obviously not interesting, or valid in their world... and that includes my children! I often ask, or try to engage with them, but get brushed off or 'forgotten'. I know this isn't unusual for parents and kids, but it's been almost continuous for 3 or 4 years, and they're not 'kids' any more.
If AEC and MADC have children, I hope they respect their parents.
What are friends?
I know people, but there us no social interaction, and if I visit them... to fill in time, I feel like they have better things to do! I can't remember the last time I experienced any light-hearted social interaction... perhaps 5-10 years ago?
Still no callback from the guy I was introduced to three weeks ago. I guess I'm not relevant despite the fact they set it up, and he asked for more info...?!
There are a huge number of 'nasty' people out there.
I've begun to notice, that with all my spare time - I go to technology forums, and offer to help, or even one-on-one guidance t the OP... but there is always one uninvited 'sniper' that wants to shut you down before you start.
Haters always gonna be haters!
3am. I hate every aspect of my life. Oddly enough, even if I had no illness or 'conditions', each day simply reminds me of how much I've failed to achieve in the last ten years... and when I have, some other jerk has taken that opportunity away. What a sook!
It's a bit disconcerting... I look at my situation, low-level speeding tickets, Lack off engagement and many other factors... every day, I wonder, and sometimes quietly hope this might be the last. I'm not actively thinking order trying, but life and circumstances make feel this way. Whether it pain, isolation, lack of fulfilment or a combination - that's my story. What's worse, the is that I am able to talk about it fairly openly with people.
My opinion doesn't seem to be worth a bean. Ever, to anyone.
I've only ever succeeded when working within my own head... whether that's because I'm antisocial or just smell bad, I don't know.
Let's combine...
Hyperthymia (Bipolar IV)
Diabetes. 70 tabs and week, insulin)
Significant Neuropathy in hands and lower legs.
Unemployment & lack of assets/resources
Age
Invisibility(!) & WTD
Apply/contract employers - zero response.
Only driving is to buy food, petrol, and drop/pickup daughter.
Income is Newstart only. Ineligible for DSP!
I really don't know whether I complain too much, or not enough.
All I do know, us that I can't stand on my legs/feet in the mornings, walking barefoot on carpet is very painful, and only if I'm wearing cross-trainers can I walk at all in genera situations.
No running, climbing of any sort ever.
Standing for any length of time is painful, tiring.
Sitting then standing up us always a challenge- especially from anything other than a sturdy chair...
I just recalled a time back when I must have been 17, when JSH/JSC took me to a child psychologist in Hornsby... the outcome was that I was more sane than she was! That didn't go down well, but it makes me think that perhaps hyperthymic personality was appearing earlier than I thought...?
....
Well, I should have known better...
I drove AEC to university (50km round trip), so she could carry her artwork... she needed to bring them back later - so I offered to pick her up later in the day (another 50k). My greeting, because I had paid for parking around the corner... ""Why did you get out of the car? It's embarrassing!". OOOOK.
It's been a month since I was invited to that non-meeting in the city. Still no response after sending my papers... WTF !!
Today started early... FMA asked me to check her car for a strange noise... nothing untoward, other than she needs to go to Dandening... no noises, then needs to go to GW... no noises. I was going to have a coffee with her, but was put off by the country's nstant droning on about how bad the kids are. I accept they are probably trying to stay away from us, but to rattle on for 30 minutes endlessly while I'm captive. Unproductive. No wonder I didn't want to sit down for another 15 minutes.
I went out to mow the nature strip, but stumbled and fell after a couple of minutes... reluctantly had to give up before I really hurt myself... Luckily nobody saw, otherwise I'd have a lot more to answer for!
This was quite scary, as a wake up call to how incredibly vulnerable I am at any given moment on any day. Life would be s over unless I can pull a rabbit out of a hat.
Don't mow the lawn when you can't feel your legs!
Luckily I was wearing jeans...!
Just to see what luck I can muster up, I pinged the telco executive by email, to see whether he had any suggestions...
Next day... that collapse yesterday, one top of my general state if mind... has really dented my confidence. I need to regroup.
I just realised that I could not be more 'alone' if I tried. Literally.
No friends, not opportunity, no means of support, no place to live. Nothing that I have a say in to make things better.
It would be really nice if I could think of a meal I'd like - other than McDonalds, then go and buy/eat it.
That's not happening soon.
...
