The SMS gadget is working, now just to sell some...?!
Id love a reason to get out of bed, but the alternatives cost money. and I don't have any!
I'm sure that many people don't understand that loneliness and boredom can be physically painful.
I guess I expected more interaction with the kids... I ask them to do things, but not interested or available. I know they have their own lives as young adults, but I'd hoped to see or talk to them occasionally over the last few years... Especially with the distance between mother and myself.
oh well, it must be my fault, but I wish someone was interested enough to help fix it.
Watching the BREXIT discussion... Is the yearning for individualism even possible in this time of uncontrolled population growth and squandering of resources? The debate is a choice for the lesser evil! Neither is desirable.
I was just thinking about why I don't interact or engage with FMA, and I'm reasonably confident that it's because I know she tries hard, and I'd feel bad criti using her other efforts - so it's better to not say anything. I've accepted that I'm going to be alone, so I just hold on until then.
I hoped the younger kids might have shown some interest in connecting with me, but I guess I can't blame them if I do it to FMA.
I wonder who, and how they'll react when I do eventually shuffle off this earth... I suppose it frees up a room, computer and tv.
Things that make me jealous!...
Conversation, laughing, social events, having friends... and the list goes on.
Everyone's gone out.
I don't contribute to the house, so I don't feel like I have any right to use it. Stuck in the bedroom.
I suppose I could have had everything in life, but that would have made me insensitive. So I managed to have a lot, and lost it, which has given me strength, but nobody to share it with.
I just realised my birthday is a couple of days away! I hope the world finds a renewed interest in boring old shitheads very fast, or I'm doomed! Happy pre-birthday.
What am I celebrating tomorrow?
Being a failure? A sucker? A loser? An unrecognised genius? Selfish? Broke? Virtually homeless?
They're all good reasons for a milestone anniversary.
Happy Birthday surprise. AEC brought a small stack of pancakes in to my prison. I shared with the cat while we chatted. Thanks!
I just turned down dinner invitation from FMA - because I don't think I'm worth it, and would rather they save the money toward family needs than for me. I should be doing/ handling all this for them, but I can't.
Fathers are meant to do so much for their family, but health and money - mean I'm useless. I can't accept things from them, as I'm unable to give them even the basics like house and food. I offer live, but it seems to be received indifferently. So I'm withdrawn and reclusive, trying not to be a burden on anyone or anything. It works, but it's really painful and tears me apart inside.
Monday morning...
Words of the week - helpless, hopeless.
One of the things that hurts the most, is the feeling that nothing you say or do is important to anyone in any way... you're a waste of space and air.
If you're depressed, the worst person to talk to - is yourself. Even if there's nobody else that wants too talk to you.
Today is 'Hari Raya' (festive day) in Malay communities.
Not much festive or happy for me to celebrate... I don't feel like I've earned the right to share in other's happiness. I know it's my issue, but I wish people would stop expecting me to be happy and engaged when I'm miserable 24/7
Today, I posted an SMSbox off to South Australia, and delivered ten to Altona. Even though I only covered my costs, it was worth it to be engaged.
FMA has gone to Euchuca with sisters.... I decided not to go, so I could focus on making some pocket money. Listening to three women chatter in a foreign language for the day, while watching them eat is no added fun.
FMA called this evening to moan that I didn't get her message. what message?
It turns out that because I deleted WhatsApp from my phone I didn't get a message.
I almost never opened WA because it is as much a spam bearer as anything else.
You can message individuals,or groups, but why tell everyone you have borrowed a pair of jeans...?
Why did I remove it? Because 80% of messages I get are about shoes, shopping or other trivia not intended for me. They're intended for someone else, but are sent to me as part of a group.
So, deleting the app, means I don't respect family social structures. ok.
When I ask to do things with the family, and don't even get a response until a day or two later... or try to have a conversation - but just get told to 'just stop talking', it must be my fault.. so I'm ok (not happy), but recognise my place is to SD/SU in all situations. My opinion or input doesn't count.
Oh, btw - they decided to sleep over in Euchuca - so my one day of forced boredom was wisely avoided.
Just waking up, and doing those 'morning' things...
I realised that my life has reached extreme simplicity, mostly due to avoiding confrontation with FMA.
I use one glass, one bowl, one plate, along with a fork and spoon. Everything comes from the car freezer, microwave, or the shop. I'm not responsible for the mess in the house that I'm always blamed for! Bedroom, ensuite and the carport shed for storage.
Near the end of July, not much to report... again.
Today, I'm a bit down. Nothing new or special in that.
I want to be engaged in something, but finance, health and my obviously piss-poor attitude mean thatI'm not welcome anywhere. Just getting older each day, waiting to die.
It seems like Centrelink and Civic Compliance are working together... I discovered today that I have two warrants - for low level speed fines, that were paid long in the past. Overpaid in fact!
I'm sick of doing other people's job for them, but they get paid. I'm tired.
As usual, I'm a sucker. Agree to help FMA by taking photos of her food. Arrive an hour before event, because she asks me to carry tables for her. Nobody else here.
So I'll be here even longer than necessary for no reason.
Jokes on me. The address doesn't exist, nor does the nearby street reference. I can't say any more.
If I died in my sleep, there's nothing I'd miss tomorrow, and I doubt there'd be muc concern at my passing - other than the cost of the funeral that I don't want anyway!
I had a 'good' day today... the cat slept on my bed, so ifelt like someone needed me, or liked me around. I haven't left my bed all day, nobody and nowhere to go without funds to do anything. FMA and her sisters are in the house, so that limits my opportunity to move around. Maybe tomorrow - but I'm really hungry right now!
Typically, I hate every moment of every day.... yesterday, despite having another appointment - I cancelled becausec AEC asked if I'd take her to part of her driving test. I was amazed, because normally all I get is 'just stop talking' while she fiddles with her phone or accessories. We spent the best part of 2-1/2 hours in all...
It was quite pleasant.
Heard a really interesting discussion on radio about Aspergers... I still think I fit that profile quite well - hyperthymic, Autistic and all rolled in to one!!
Did some research and problem solving over night - to discover that ScanHi may have ripped me off for thousands of dollars! Still working on it.
Dinner at Moroccan Soup with aunties, family and Sally.
Drive to city was a uneventful with AEC on L plates, but FMA bumbling in the rear, while I tried to supervise. AEC was driving well - until the end when she went all stubborn, and refused to clean up her parking. We went in to the restaurant, and I was forgotten when family ordered six meals for seven people. Not really a problem as I had eaten earlier, and wasn't told of the restaurant - and I'm ok saving unnecessary expenses when possible, but it worked into me - reminding me of previous visits which were quite similar... Couldn't get out of there fast enough.
David S called, chasing me to upgrade his controllers... apart from the fact that he has what he ordered, and my computer is dead, why do I feel obliged to make him whole, when I've discovered that he's been stealing my WSM software for the last six years! Is it because m weak, need a sense of purpose, or a combination...?
More to come.
Today was fulfilling. I went to the post office, bought a sandwich, came home and heated up a $4 frozen dinner. All done.
I missed a Matchworks/Centrelink appointment today (somehow dropped off my calendar...?
Re-scheduled to Monday
Worst thing is that I realised they aren't doing any 'matching' - just telling me to look for a job - despite my explaining to them that I have serious weaknesses in the current employability stakes!
Health, neuropathy, depression, personality issues...
I missed a Matchworks/Centrelink appointment today (somehow dropped off my calendar...?
Re-scheduled to Monday
Worst thing is that I realised they aren't doing any 'matching' - just telling me to look for a job - despite my explaining to them that I have serious weaknesses in the current employability stakes!
Health, neuropathy, depression, personality issues...
Oh well - maybe it will make my life choices easier if they cut off my support.
(Remember to close eBay sales - and transfer any scraps of money to MADC accounts)
FMA called me to map read for her to Melton.... what a scary trip! Not a relaxed, forward thinking driver!
Three hours later - waiting in the van in the cold, reminds me why I'm looking forward to dying. it's better than the life I have now.
I must really be an idiot. What I think are simple instructions are complete,y alien to FMA.
In 100m turn right. At the roundabout exit at 3 o'clock and similar... result is stop in the rounabout(!) and ask next? hen go straight ahead...! Obviously I'm not expressing myself very well.
I should listen to AEC's advice. and Just stop talking.
This is unlike me, but I'm going to be generous to FMAs map reading idiosyncrasies last night...
Thinking about it, I know she has a limited sense of map/orientation skills, but last night she was looking straight at the road and GPS while pulling out of a service station... the arrow and guidance lines clearly indicate turning left into the road immediately in front of us, and it made sense after our earlier arrival at the servo... she bluntly asked "so we go right?.
I now think I understand perhaps her faith and belief in a divine force is greater than the reality in front of her eyes. It's perplexing to me, as an intensely agnostic and practical thinker.
As we pulled on to the road further along, she was also guided by this superior being, and we had to make a further two u-turns due to missed road signs... big ones, on the arterial/highway ramps. I simply can't explain it, yet it's nothing new - I just hadn't thought about it.
Oh, and by the way Lakeview Terrace is not the same as Lakeside Terrace.
I'm such an idiot.
Every time I feel like I may have found an opportunity to be involved or to engage, I discover that I've wasted my time, and the opportunity has dissolved - after I've put my best work forward.
I really can't figure out what I have to live for, than another chance to fail.
I remember hearing many years ago, that every third generation in a family is a screw up. I guess it was due.
23 Aug - AEC quietly organised her own driving test today... and passed! Congratulations. XXOOXXOO
You know what pisses me off today? I'm watching a tv program that mentions 'being the most you can be', and the participants reach out to their surroundings to explore opportunities.
I don't have any surroundings, and what few resources are there - need money or some physical health... or both. I'm so frustrated. I want to be part of something or to contribute.
Am I so unlike able that I'm frequently let down by people that I go out if my way to help?
From very simple things to significant effort to help them - which they asked for... simply blown off when they're 'no longer interested'.
I'm trying to re-engage and develop a new life path, but this is soul destroying. I spend a bit of money,many a lot of time to be left at the door. What gives?
Isn't it odd, that I can't get work, or even a conversation... yet I have been seen by two psychologists, a psychiatrist and a neurologist - all suggest in some for that I'm depressed and/or disabled to some degree. Several years ago, I walked 10km to 'try' checking myself into hospital, but they wouldn't take me because I wasn't suicidal or thinking of hurting someone else (or so I said)...
How the fuck would they know what I'm feeling toward Dragan and now the Scanlons for ripping me off...? I gave a lot, and am left with literally nothing. Partly due to poor skills, and partly to illness, but how do I get the blame for everything?
Today is watching the ceiling, and enjoying a headache.
Rego due soon but not sure I can afford it, as a couple of projects I did on the side have screwed me for money that I was planning on.
Still hanging in, but less likely to engage with anyone now. I'm firmly convinced about the bipolar-Iv / hyperthymic / ASD connection in my brain, but too late, and no one wants to know, let alone help find a solution.
Blinding headache and vomiting this morning... all I can think is reheating leftovers from FMA catering. New rule, no leftovers - which I knew already!
I wish I could consistently afford food, fuel and car running costs... the rest can be tuned around daylight and opportunity. Accommodation would be fine if I had the choice of 'car' or 'somewhere else' on a daily basis. Living Ng in my own shadow is an awful way to exist.
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