Happy Fathers Day.
Today at 11, I'm supposed to attend a job seeking workshop, and to bring along an ad & mock application...
The problem is I've been looking for over four years (more like eight) - unsuccessfully - for a job that I can physically perform, or that could use me - so how can I respond to a non-existent opportunity?
Living hand to mouth is extremely distressing, but this just adds to the anxiety and depression - on top of my known physical/health issues.
This is critical to keeping benefits.
The will to go on with life is waning.
Not much sleep. Headache and panic is overwhelming... just had a chat with the toilet bowl. Is it me and my anxiety / panic attack, or FMAs cooking? When I eat her home cooked leftovers to be polite, I get sick... I hope not for her catering sake.
I may have said this before, but the reason I can only eat fast food / takeaway, is because most of the good food I would eat at home isn't welcome, or I have to clean the whole house if I dirty a single plate... easier to avoid the problem than to solve it!
Please feel free to let me know when life is going to get better.
It's nine in the morning, and as usual, I have nothing planned - and want the day to be over... so I can go through the same tomorrow. If this continues for another decade, I won't have to worry any more.
The quandary is - the only place i'd be less anxious or stressed would be in the ground... but the only place worse than where i am now, would be in the ground. Which is the lesser of the two evils?
Every day from morning to night, there is nothing. No neeed to satisfy any goals, as there is no one and. nothing that needs me to deliver. No need to wake up or sleep, or eat. nothing each and every day.
6am Wednesday. i can only think of one reason i want to be alive. Not to leave the kids with 'baggage'. of course my primary daily activities are to eat and sleep. Both of those are totally dependent on someone else, so i suppose i'm living on a knife edge of borrowed time. Great.
I convnced the !family! to go out for Tex-Mex last night... it was remarkably peaceful. Food was nice and we came home without any conflict. Yay.
Todays misery was lost by the app, so fuck it anyway. i hope life doesn't get any worse than it is, or i'll have to reconsider my options.
Being Alive is not 'living'
i'm always tempted, and stepping out to create new things, but since i have no friends, work colleagues (or anyone else), they rot on the vine.
All they do is consume time and resources. I suppose that's good until i'm homeless and still broke.
I'd love to have a reason to get out of bed.
Being depressed is remarkably good at feeding itself.
10:40 - congratulate me. I got out of bed, and got dressed. Nowhere to go, no-one to see.
At least I turned off the TV! Shops are too crowded to go, and legs will give out - unless I sit down for a coffee - and that costs money. Maybe I'll sit here a bit longer then go buy some Chinese take-away... and com4 back to watcj TV / sleep some more.
2:45 am Life has been like a continuous series of low speed accidents. Never bad enough to stop me, but costly enough to stop any growth or progress. I honestly hate where i am, and what i've become, and dearly hope that one day i don't wake up.
Kinda stumbled across the origins of my d spain (again!)...
Back when i was about 16/17, Joan and Dad sent me to a p school to figure me out. I had always been on the edge if social groups - and obviously that hadn't changed
Also in today's tech news, i ran across a US company that is developing /trialling a traffic management product that has a lot of similarities to C.A.R.S - which i prototyped and tried to pitch back in 1988 when i first arrived in Malaysia. another sigh.
No wonder i'm not interested in thinking or offering ideas to anyone any more. So many times people have said to me that creating concepts has no value - and they were right... so i developed and documented the ideas... and usually built proof of concept/prototypes... but still failed, with people turning me away or stealing the IP. Final sigh. I want someone to believe in me without exploiting me! Not FMA, because it carries too many string of living my life her way. i'm me.
You know, i'm starting to realise that i may be one of the dumbest smart people to ever have walked the earth. I wanted to be everything to everyone, and create new things from nothing. That time is all over now. I lost the game. Bad luck.
It's getting close to Christmas. I haven't written anything for a while.
Am I a narcissist? or just a lonely person that falls back on myself in the absence of other engagement? That's a tough question.
I
:::
