Let's just call it March. I'm not posting every day now - so there's no point in a separate page for each month. Beware the Ides of March!
CAUTION: This blog is about me - and my concerns / feelings. If you're mentioned and don't like it - sorry, but that's not my issue at the moment. I have tried to remover all absolute references to names, but those close to me will easily identify themselves.
That's the way it is.
That's the way it is.
IT WILL OFFEND SOME READERS. STOP NOW IF YOU AREN'T READY
SELF-PITY IS EXTREMELY CORROSIVE
SELF-PITY IS EXTREMELY CORROSIVE
I should also explain that I have distinct characters that I try to portray outward.
1. This blog, which says whatever I want to record for posterity.
2. 80% of this which is desperately conveyed to medicos, but as below... they're primarily interested in treating symptoms... not causes.
3. Family - which have no awareness of this content AFAIK, as some is hurtful, and may be unnecessarily stressful to to daughter AEC.
4. A professional image which has all but collapsed: of being available, competent and willing to contribute.
Wed 31 Dec --
There are things I could do around the house - if I had more energy, and if I thought I could do them without being told I'm doing them the wrong way. I'd rather stay in bed thanks.
Looking forward to the end of holidays, so I can resume dying at my own pace.
I think I'll take a Valium to relax (rare for me).
13:00- Never got around to it.
Everyone's out, working (kids) or visiting (FMA).
I clipped a few prickly branches - felt really weak and nauseous. Came inside to cool off and eat a frozen meal. I'd like to mow the nature strip if I can musterr the energy aftyer eating.
I think I'll take a Valium to relax (rare for me).
13:00- Never got around to it.
Everyone's out, working (kids) or visiting (FMA).
I clipped a few prickly branches - felt really weak and nauseous. Came inside to cool off and eat a frozen meal. I'd like to mow the nature strip if I can musterr the energy aftyer eating.
Tue 30 Dec ---
11:45 - thinking about getting up, but others are still home, so I'm restricted to my room anyway - watching TV. Why do I feel like I'm a nuisance if I go out into the house? Is it me or things they say and do? Am I really that useless? Yes, probably.
19:30 - still caged by my inadequacy, and sense of irrelevance.
19:30 - still caged by my inadequacy, and sense of irrelevance.
Mon 29 Dec --
Stuck today. Alone at home, with 1/4 tank of petrol, but nowhere to go within 5km/5mins runtime!
Sun 28 Dec ---
I simply have no interest in anthing. I have some parts, butjust no interest to make anything, since there is no-one to show or discuss it with, and certainlky no commercial opportunity, which is what I need right now - in order to live a bit longer. TV, sleep, bored.
Sat 27 Dec --
Hair clippers were a dud. No charge, no power and clogged with !hair! far too easily. Returned to KMart. At least I have 90% of a haircut and some time to look for better clippers. Mood still ok, but it would be nice to finish the haircut!
Fri 26 Dec --
A completely pointless existence? There's nothing quite like making it through Christmas with less than $10 in the bank (ignoring the $370 I now owe FMA's financial genius friend). Well at least I'm still standing.
I started to consider what options I have now that CL don't recognise me. I could go all psycho, and lock myself in the room (possibly the best option), or throw myself at the feet of the 'authorities' and go out on the street, and get sent to some homeless shelter. Either way, I realised that marginal communities are not catered for in any meaningful way by society nowadays. You only receive support and guidance if you can improve the bottom line of some corporate shareholder community.
Whether it is a residential care service funded by the tenants, or from government grants. The people that are benefiting the most from almost every support scenario I have seen - are the care-givers.
I have nothing against the front line care workers - they're being exploited as badly as the people being supported. I have to think about this.
You know... it's not the lack of money that is defining me, but the lack of security, or ability to plan or engage in any activity - without knowing I can complete it or even get back home. Total dependence for food and accommodation with my super/pension of $450 a month is the real problem.
I could do away with phone and internet - but that would isolate me even further without those few calls I make or receive each month. I could sell the car, but would be worse off than now after paying out the loan.
17:30 - I really must be insane. I asked FMA if she had $3-4 I could use on a walk around the block - to buy something at the milk bar. She didn't have coins but eventually found a $5 note. I went for the walk (short - only maybe 5-10 mins), and ended up returning the fiver upon my return - because I felt it was too much to break a note, and I didn't deserve it so much.
Evening: pleasantly surprised that family bought me a hair clipper set to replace the one we lost when moving. (I really need to give myself a haircut - about 4 months now!)
It really changed my mood - I was quite upbeat for the res of the night!
You know... it's not the lack of money that is defining me, but the lack of security, or ability to plan or engage in any activity - without knowing I can complete it or even get back home. Total dependence for food and accommodation with my super/pension of $450 a month is the real problem.
I could do away with phone and internet - but that would isolate me even further without those few calls I make or receive each month. I could sell the car, but would be worse off than now after paying out the loan.
17:30 - I really must be insane. I asked FMA if she had $3-4 I could use on a walk around the block - to buy something at the milk bar. She didn't have coins but eventually found a $5 note. I went for the walk (short - only maybe 5-10 mins), and ended up returning the fiver upon my return - because I felt it was too much to break a note, and I didn't deserve it so much.
Evening: pleasantly surprised that family bought me a hair clipper set to replace the one we lost when moving. (I really need to give myself a haircut - about 4 months now!)
It really changed my mood - I was quite upbeat for the res of the night!
Thu 25 Dec ---
I won't try to interpret this, but let's just say that I'd really consider proposing a class-action against WH clinic & DHS/Centrelink on behalf of all NSA & DSP rejections - to rethink how they perform eligibility assessments.
Merry Christmas
Wed 24 Dec --
05:20am - There must be something really wrong with me. I want to work, I want to contribute, I want to be self-supporting, to give to AEC & MADC - but no-one even wants to talk or meet with me (and I can't get out to mingle in a speculative way due to the costs and lack of resources). All while my health is steadily drifting away, and being isolated - possibly because of myself - but can't get any professional assessment or help for some reason.
Some might say, I should use FMAs income to improve my position to contribute, but that's for her and the kids use - at her discretion. Not to drag a freeloader like me along in the 'hope' I might do something right 'one day'.
07:45 - the only thing worse than listening to your own heart beating, or the sound of blood thrushing through your own head - is total silence. It tells you the rest of the world around me is at equilibrium, or somewhere else, and i'm just sitting here in my situation unable to expand or express myself. Tough shit 'eh!
15:00 - An early present from Centrelink! Yaay! (not)
It seems I'm not broke enough to be eligible for new start, disability or Su1R. So there. $10 a day excl roof over head is a decent expense for living. You all need to learn how to be thrifty!
I just relished - that's a positive. At least they actually replied / closed the loop, unlike most of the job applications I've made. Win!
07:45 - the only thing worse than listening to your own heart beating, or the sound of blood thrushing through your own head - is total silence. It tells you the rest of the world around me is at equilibrium, or somewhere else, and i'm just sitting here in my situation unable to expand or express myself. Tough shit 'eh!15:00 - An early present from Centrelink! Yaay! (not)
It seems I'm not broke enough to be eligible for new start, disability or Su1R. So there. $10 a day excl roof over head is a decent expense for living. You all need to learn how to be thrifty!
I just relished - that's a positive. At least they actually replied / closed the loop, unlike most of the job applications I've made. Win!
Tue 23 Dec ---
Ignore me.
Mon 22 Dec ---
01:00 - I'm tired. Just tired of everything. I know the world is slowing down in the lead up to Christmas, but my life is so empty and meaningless - it seems worse. I should look back a year in this diary and see what I felt then. Probably the same, as my situation hasn't changed much in the last three or more years. Canberra with BrianE was an aberration - unused, bored and paid! Sydney under MalC was a waste of time - also bored and paid while he diverted my commission work to his friends. So I can't complain, being paid in both cases to keep the banks afloat! I haven't really had any disposable income since maybe 2008 - gosh, six years ago! The real sufferers are AEC and MADC no life with dad in six years. My fault I guess, I'm supposed to be the responsible adult. FMA has peaks and troughs that just don't sync up with me.
Returned $2000 to FMA cleaners (still have to find $370 more)
Went to shops to buy some peanuts. Card declined! Oh well, at least I got out of the house.
Returned $2000 to FMA cleaners (still have to find $370 more)
Went to shops to buy some peanuts. Card declined! Oh well, at least I got out of the house.
Sun 21 Dec ---
More nothing, but I am 6-months older!
21:45 - I was almost going to ask AEC & MADC to write a couple of paragraphs - suggesting what 'they' think I should do to change my situation. Decided not to put that on their shoulders.
Similarly, FMA asked me today - to tell MADC that he must contribute to the gardening and household maintenance -- and I realised (perhaps wrongly) that I am incapable of asking someone to do things that I can't or won't do. My hands, and general instability at heights makes me afraid to ttake on a lot of basic tasks. Oh well.
23:45 - I'm kinda crashing. I record Tv shows to watch when I'm awake, but just not interested to watch most of them. Just delete as soon as I open them. Absolutely n oogoals or purpose today. Becoming a new normal for me. Worrying how I can find an extra $300 to return to accidental bank deposit. Just what I needed - more to worry about.
21:45 - I was almost going to ask AEC & MADC to write a couple of paragraphs - suggesting what 'they' think I should do to change my situation. Decided not to put that on their shoulders.
Similarly, FMA asked me today - to tell MADC that he must contribute to the gardening and household maintenance -- and I realised (perhaps wrongly) that I am incapable of asking someone to do things that I can't or won't do. My hands, and general instability at heights makes me afraid to ttake on a lot of basic tasks. Oh well.
23:45 - I'm kinda crashing. I record Tv shows to watch when I'm awake, but just not interested to watch most of them. Just delete as soon as I open them. Absolutely n oogoals or purpose today. Becoming a new normal for me. Worrying how I can find an extra $300 to return to accidental bank deposit. Just what I needed - more to worry about.
Sat 20 Dec ---
Oh fun. It seems a payment which I received yesterday, which I thought was to purchase some laser parts for an acquaintance - was in fact an error by CBA/WBC. Of course, I transferred that to my other bank account before discovering the error (Delayed advice-detail from bank...I didn't get sent money for laser parts).
So the immediate concerns are that
a) I have paid about $300 of my own bills from the sudden credit balance, and
b) Centrelink will see the payment as undeclared 'wages' from CBA - which they aren't - but will undoubtedly put a hold/glitch on my CL NSA/DSP claim.
My good luck continues, and I'm now effectively $300 deeper in debt.
Great. Oh well, let's see how I can get screwed even further by this sequence of events.
EDIT: Seems that this money is FMA's cleaning wages through the 'joint account' she never uses - so I have to resend it to her personal account)
EDIT: Seems that this money is FMA's cleaning wages through the 'joint account' she never uses - so I have to resend it to her personal account)
Is it just me, or does everyone get 'rogered' every time they roll over in bed, or pick their nose?
If just me, I can (sort of) understand, but if it is everyone, then you guys really need to look at how the world is wired up, and replace the faulty parts.
If just me, I can (sort of) understand, but if it is everyone, then you guys really need to look at how the world is wired up, and replace the faulty parts.
The reality is - that to be in the mix, you have to be out and about - seeing and meeting people to 'hear what's going on' and to engage with old & new people and ideas. I have a problem. I can't even afford to eat. Zip. Nothing else. I'm lucky that FMA lets me live under her roof, and eat some to top up my frozen dinner diet.
OH&S pointers:
- Can't tell if have shoes on or not (same for socks!)... walk out of slippers or sandles.
- Park roller chair on feet (ouch - if I could feel it!)
- Difficulty opening a packet of chips or ziplock bags (feeling and pinch/hold weakness)
- Walking is sometimes awkward - balance and feeling.
- Tend to bleed on things occasionally - dry, cracked skin and small impacts / nibbling.
Thu 18 Dec ---
08:10 I honestly can't think of a single reason to get up, other than to type this and read the news.
Season's greetings. Isent out an email to a few people I know, and the two most interesting repliews so far are: '...am glad to sense that your spirit is strong and
your morale high...", and '...hoping the new year brings your continued success...". What paper were they reading?!
Christmas: I'd like a haircut, to buy something small for each of the kids, and to be able to feel my hands and feet, and not wonder if today is going to be my last. I'm probably hoping for too much.
After spending the day doing virtually nothing, I came up with the following question:
If you have to choose between an aneurysm, stroke, heart-attack, and/or quad amputation - with no means of support... or euthanasia. Which could you choose, and when?
The difficulty is 'When is it too late to choose?'
After spending the day doing virtually nothing, I came up with the following question:
If you have to choose between an aneurysm, stroke, heart-attack, and/or quad amputation - with no means of support... or euthanasia. Which could you choose, and when?
The difficulty is 'When is it too late to choose?'
Wed 17 Dec---
00:20 am: Time means nothing to me. I sleep during the day, type at night, and have no other input or outlet in my life at the moment. Feeeling sorry for myself, apart from illness- how did I get here
It seems like a good time (as any) to start a timeline that someone may be interested in dissecting in another 20 years. Or not.
1971 - mid puberty 15yo, Already a bot of a geek, overweight, and slight anti-social tendencies, pretty shy in most social circumstances. Not confident with girls, or my place in the scheme of things. Had first GFs - the two that I should have never let get away. SJRule (Warrawee) - married Charles, and SAMathew (Roseville) - married (divorced in 2008), then remarried in 2012
1972 - my mum (JLC) passed away quickly (brain tumor - thankfully quite peacefully from what I heard)
1973/4? - Dad remarried family friend JSC (her husband Ken had died a couple of years earlier - when both families were all part of a larger social group). I left school to TAFE for year 12 /E&C...
1975 - I started work in North Sydney. Enjoyed it a lot as it gave me a purpose and recognition for doping something successfully. Shifted to second employer and thrived. Still socially awkward, and lacking internal confidence.
1976? - VJC (my eldest sister) passed away in France with her family of 'amyloidosis' age around 29. Slow and exhausting for her, sad for herr young family. Fortunately she had visited AU around 12-18 months prior and was diagnosed soon after her return to France. So the connection was still there.
Short period in 1981 where I was offline through my own stupidity.
1982 - I married LMG/LMD as her second husband (Peter D). She was a vivacious character, but damaged in a different way from myself as she (and brother) was adopted by older strongly catholic parents and adoptive grandparents with a rural/grazier background. Her elderly adoptive father passed away in that period.
1984/5 KFC & SJC arrived. Their upbringing was dominated by LMC & her 'mother's over-indulgence. Hard to maintain parental control)!
1987 - Took contract`job in SE Asia - to escape being smothered by LMC family - with intention of a 12-18 month term, and returning with some cash in the bank.
A big point in my life when the principal of that company congratulated me - saying he didn;t think I'd dtick it through - but i did and succeeded.
Marriage to LMC collapsed somewhere along the line, and KFC/SJC came to stay over there for a year. Clumsy, but worthwhile - however it seems that upn their return to AU, LMC & mother eally turned them against Asia and my competence. Tis may have been a psychological milestone I never recognised until now.
APV (the company I built up on contract) was a success in itself, but maybe I grew bored or distracted over time. I felt I was losing control as the company matured, and was becoming unnecessary to it's success. (another milestone?)
1988 approx - LMC decided to kidnap the girls without warning, and returned them two weeks later... WTF? She subsequently remarried to a competitive shooter (Steve).
1991? - I was terribly sick (really not well) in bed for a week - at the time of compnay moving to new premises. Somewhere this absence was misunderstood as part of my disinterest, and I soon left the company after the move was complete. I was sad about that, but also could see that I was irrelevant as mentioned above.
1991 - went independent, tried to succeed on my own, but lacked fiscal/business discipline and confidence in myself.
1992? - married FMA
1993 - MADC born (looked like Elvis!). Mostly cared for by Aurelia Rayray (Emy) - our Filipina maid. Lovely person.
1995/6 - was approached to work on satellite channels/facility in KL. Successfully as design & development engineer, then department manager. but it was always going to be a limited term opportunity as a foreigner. Role was to develop, train and hand-over to local execs & staff.
1997 - AEC was born - so cute. Emy still around and helped launch two fantastic kids.
1998 - Nov - back to AU, work on DVN project, followed by Seven.
More to come if I feel like it. Some already documented elsewhere as MP timeline.
09:30 - Do I deserve this purgatory that I'm living in? Possibly. Do I deserve to be denied any opportunity to climb out? No.
09:30 - Do I deserve this purgatory that I'm living in? Possibly. Do I deserve to be denied any opportunity to climb out? No.
Tue 16 Dec ---
More nothing
Mon 15 Dec ---
08:30 - Every day (several times), I ask myself - why I should get up/out of bed again. If all goes as expected, I will be ignored, disrespected, in pain, hungry, alone and watching TV for hours with no other outlet for interaction. The reason I get up - is that i'm bored, and figure that if I look and explore within my very small world... maybe I'll find something, or something will find me. That's the reason.
I may be completely wrong - seeing things only from my own viewpoint, but I don't think FMA has the faintest idea that everyone else that is close to her - doesn't see the world the same way she does. Perhaps a cultural, education thing, but there is only one path to follow in every situation - that scripted by her community elders. Free thought is encouraged as long as it ends up at the same conclusion they have mandated. She does vary and err from that path - perhaps trying to be adaptable - and it tortures her to act independently or make her own decisions.
It's a good thing we don't celebrate Christmas - as 'dinner' last night indicated. FMA cooked some bbq meat. MADC and girlfriend came to table, ate and left almost without a word. AEC didn't come out (vegetarian 17 yo!). I didn't eat because I had no idea dinner was on the plans - and had eaten some frozen food about 40 minutes earlier.
16:45 - stamina is pretty low. Hung out a pair of sheets & pillowcases - roughly, no energy - and I was hanging on the line for stability! Laying in bed all day is not good for you.
I may be completely wrong - seeing things only from my own viewpoint, but I don't think FMA has the faintest idea that everyone else that is close to her - doesn't see the world the same way she does. Perhaps a cultural, education thing, but there is only one path to follow in every situation - that scripted by her community elders. Free thought is encouraged as long as it ends up at the same conclusion they have mandated. She does vary and err from that path - perhaps trying to be adaptable - and it tortures her to act independently or make her own decisions.
It's a good thing we don't celebrate Christmas - as 'dinner' last night indicated. FMA cooked some bbq meat. MADC and girlfriend came to table, ate and left almost without a word. AEC didn't come out (vegetarian 17 yo!). I didn't eat because I had no idea dinner was on the plans - and had eaten some frozen food about 40 minutes earlier.
16:45 - stamina is pretty low. Hung out a pair of sheets & pillowcases - roughly, no energy - and I was hanging on the line for stability! Laying in bed all day is not good for you.
Sun 14 Dec --
This morning 07:00, I tried to present a reality check to FMA - that her two pre-booked campsites for 10+ people were not a realistic option this year. I know she was looking forward to the psychological break, but she was the only person to be there for sure, and it wasn't going to be much of a break for anyone.
FMA EMAIL OUT: Just to let you all know, due to circumstances, with a big regret and sadness, I have to give up my two most beautiful camping spots at Barwon Heads. I had maintained this for a few years, each year that I went, I had you all in my mind, and with a hope that one day one of you might be able to join me. Allah may have something else for me, Insyaallah!
I understand her frustration, and I had reluctantly agreed to be a tent-sitter while she left the site for work, but it was a false hope for her. If I was physically able, and flush with funds, with a running car - I'd certainly be enjoying the escape as much as I could.
Sadly, in her opinion it was selfish of me to suggest that she saves the $800+, since she is now 'unemployed without pay', and unable to fully utilise the sites without people to fill the other 8-1/2 sleeping or beach-fun places.
Yes, a deposit of $100 will be forfeited, and first bid on those particular tent sites for next year.
The kids are adult, and unlikely to spend much, if any, time down there ($40 / 250km / 2-1/2hr round trip - plus tolls).
AEC just returned from a week in Byron, and MADC from 14 days touring Japan... both with their friends.
Previous years have had a live-in rate of four bodies, with a one-night occupancy of seven. Twice, day visits have raised that to seven or eight for lunch bbq.
I can't help much with campsite preparation due to hands, legs, and health, and having only one working car means every trip down or up - is another penalty on her finances and idle time.
I do feel bad, but I also want to enjoy living that extra week without the physical pain of rolling around at ground level, even greater loneliness in a tent, and the mechanical difficulties of my sitting on a mattress for 22 hours a day in captive summer heat.
The kids are adult, and unlikely to spend much, if any, time down there ($40 / 250km / 2-1/2hr round trip - plus tolls).
AEC just returned from a week in Byron, and MADC from 14 days touring Japan... both with their friends.
Previous years have had a live-in rate of four bodies, with a one-night occupancy of seven. Twice, day visits have raised that to seven or eight for lunch bbq.
I can't help much with campsite preparation due to hands, legs, and health, and having only one working car means every trip down or up - is another penalty on her finances and idle time.
Sorry - but I still think it was the right decision to raise the reality - despite the burden added to her personal emotional state.
13:40 - I tried to explain that I actually would 'love' to go to the beach for a week's sun, fun and relaxation, but the reality of it is - for want of a better word = distressing - physically and emotionally. Perhaps my timing of the explanation was wrong, but I was gently fobbed off.
I can't walk on the beach. I can't even manouever to stand up in the tents (weak legs and grip). I can't afford to walk to the shop to buy a cold drink... there are so many experiences from minute to minute that don't translate or explain well, but bear heavily on the wearer.
13:40 - I tried to explain that I actually would 'love' to go to the beach for a week's sun, fun and relaxation, but the reality of it is - for want of a better word = distressing - physically and emotionally. Perhaps my timing of the explanation was wrong, but I was gently fobbed off.
I can't walk on the beach. I can't even manouever to stand up in the tents (weak legs and grip). I can't afford to walk to the shop to buy a cold drink... there are so many experiences from minute to minute that don't translate or explain well, but bear heavily on the wearer.
Sat 13 Dec ---
I've never been socially adept, and always skirting around the fringe of social experiences - not particularly because of any choice, but more that I always felt awkward or out pf place in virtually every social group I have ever experienced.
Now I feel like I've wasted my whole life - because it hasn't converged to a relaxed, adult guiding role. I'm just lonely even within my own family(ies). I've had moments of success and failure, and been taken advantage of - and regretfully taken advantage of others. But the end result isn't a wash. I have very poor health, no outlook past the day after tomorrow, no family respect that I can detect, no professional or personal future that I can see. Just grey until I die of some yet to be determined cause.
I can't support anyone physically, financially or in any other ways. I try to 'be there' emotionally for MADC and AEC, but most times I feel that I'm irrelevant in their world, or seen as incompetent by FMA in some way - or maybe that's me being sensitive...? I still have a soul and skills... just no-one wants them.
On that note, I'm trying to psych myself up to handle rejection next week from the job application I put in this week. Not being negative in any way - just being ready for the high chance of failure. (And I did find two typos in my application cover letter - sigh.)
I can't support anyone physically, financially or in any other ways. I try to 'be there' emotionally for MADC and AEC, but most times I feel that I'm irrelevant in their world, or seen as incompetent by FMA in some way - or maybe that's me being sensitive...? I still have a soul and skills... just no-one wants them.
On that note, I'm trying to psych myself up to handle rejection next week from the job application I put in this week. Not being negative in any way - just being ready for the high chance of failure. (And I did find two typos in my application cover letter - sigh.)
Fri 12 Dec--
Went to Centrelink again. More successful, but no prize yet. Not really optimistic, as they want me to locate copies of documents that cost money (Birth Cert, Medicare card, passport etc), and I'm going to them to get money! Good luck. Application is in, but I can't get DSP until I'm assessed as disabled, but can't afford to be assessed. I'd give it 50/50 chance of NewStart or health care card being approved.
Have to drive out to get a copy of house lease - but that's right on the edge of my car's range.
At least I can now log-in and actually click on useful links in their webpage!!! yaay.
Last couple of days have been good for food. A couple of frozen dishes - plus - leftovers from catering jobs. Heaven.
I need to articulate what neuropathy in its current state means in
the real world...
The neurologist identified moderate to
severe nerve damage a couple of years ago, and it isn’t getting better!
Hands - I can't feel much of anything past the
major knuckles of all fingers. As a result, while gripping and lifting,
and on-axis functions - like typing - are usually
pretty good, but pinching, sliding, squeezing are out. The odd
side-effect, and I don't know when or why it will occur, but sometimes the
nerve sensation in my fingertips is escalated, and pressing a small button is
quite uncomfortable. Not a pain per-se, but something you don't want to do
voluntarily.
Separating coins, papers or other like-textured
items is difficult, only reliable when in clear sight.
Having several flat or small items in my
pocket can be a challenge, phone, notes, etc can be easily lost in each other
until I can grip or see them.
Very dry skin on all fingers - makes
griping individual items even harder.
Pushing small buttons etc can be a real
challenge, as the tactile feedback is just 'not there'!
Legs - Similar to hands, but from the calves down. Very dry skin, lack of surface and torsional sensation. Angle
of ankles is sensed from the knee and lower leg position. Tilt of ankle is
simply muscle-tendon memory and life experience. Nails grow wild, and fungal
infections seem to be more prevalent in nails.
The dry, fragile skin is easily nicked.
Often find small scratches or areas of skin buffed away (maybe? I dunno!)
from little or no impact.
I can have socks on (one or two) or not,
and often not be able to tell. I can walk out of my shoes and not know
for several minutes - or steps - later.
I suppose some other bits will fall off,
but these symptoms started about 6-7 years ago, and slowly progressing. I
strongly believe that unemployment, lack of social interaction and boredom add
and accelerate the neuropathy a lot. Perhaps some may be reversed if I'm
engaged in life.
(Yes, I can still cross my fingers, but probably not professionally,
as the OHS issues may be a problem, along with irregular fainting, stability when
standing or working in small spaces… sigh.)
Thu 11 Dec --
Went to Centrelink with petrol supplied by FMA - half-successful, have to go again tomorrow.
Lodged start of application for 'Separation Under One Roof - which puts us on an honest keel for once.
Lodged start of application for 'Separation Under One Roof - which puts us on an honest keel for once.
Wed 10 Dec---
I lumber around like an 80-year old, conserving whatever is left of me - for that one day, when an opportunity opens up. It may never happen, and my physical reserves may no longer exist if it does, but it's a good excuse to eat very little, and physically do as little as possible - in the hope one day there may be a reason to revive myself. It's not looking good, but 'one can never say never'.
Sheets are shredded. They were on the way out last wash, but now really torn / unwashable. I'll see if I can sneak some in the supermarket sweep this week.
Let me lay this out so I can look for a path...
Sheets are shredded. They were on the way out last wash, but now really torn / unwashable. I'll see if I can sneak some in the supermarket sweep this week.
Let me lay this out so I can look for a path...
- FMA suggests that I use family resources to stay alive & connected.
- I can't walk or circulate well enough to make connections - I tried when I was able. Feeble attempts since then bear no fruit.
- It seems no-one really wants me to work with or for them - even for free / at cost.
- I reach out but rarely get a reply of any sort. Opportunities are volunteer with costs/fees.
- It seems disability or pensions are not available because of FMA income - despite the fact that it's fragile / intermittent. Still to look at SU1R option - at what further cost?
- Medical options cost money that isn't there. Advised no HCC or Senior Discount options - on the money I don't have to spend anyway!
- Car / fuel is a non-starter (5-7km radius max.) Public transport could be paid from FMA - but going to where? why?
Tue 9 Dec ---
10:00 - applied for a job on Seek
11:00 Went to Dr appointment - but he was a lot behind, and I had nothing special to say, so let him have his 30 mins back to catch up.
21:30 - Pavlov's dog has nothing on me. I heard FMA's car coming home - and got excited as it meant I should get ready to go steal some garlic bread and diet coke from her workplace. Great, but really sad. 22:10 - scratch that plan. FMA decided to go tomorrow morning.
Mon 8 Dec---
I watch TV to fill in the day. It's not helping! Apart from the endless repeats (a symptom of watching TV 20 hours a day), the people on TV are allowed to be creative, have social groups, jobs, vacations and other stuff like eating out, get-togethers, and films with friends etc. I'd like to be able to eat, walk, talk, touch, work or do other things like most other people I see.
The difference between WAI Ting and WANTing is a simple 'check mark'! How off-track is that?Wait for success, or want success, Wait / Want
A new week - let's start fresh. Get dressed, take the bin out.
Ok, that's all I have.
Question: When should one 'give up'? When you've had enough, or when you no longer have control? In the first case, you relinquish control an dignity - admitting you're a failure. In the latter, you are apparently a failure of some sort, and lay yourselves at the mercy of others to keep you alive for no practical purpose. A conundrum.
Christmas break is coming - the hardest, loneliest time of the year.
Sat 6 Dec ---
I can't put off washing any longer
. The washer in the kitchen is still loaded with clothes from last week, so I head into my twice-weekly shower. Get clean, then undies over the drain hole. Tee shirts over the floor, socks around the edge. Wash hair as shower pan fills slightly.
. The washer in the kitchen is still loaded with clothes from last week, so I head into my twice-weekly shower. Get clean, then undies over the drain hole. Tee shirts over the floor, socks around the edge. Wash hair as shower pan fills slightly.
Take smalls first except undies (they're the plug!). sloosh, squeeze, rinse & hang temporarily. Repeat.
Release water as I'm slooshing the undies.
Re-plug & refill with cleaner water... Tee shirts over the floor, socks around the edge etc. Just to soak them with clean water - then wring out and they're 'spin dry'!
Ok shower me off. Climb out (exhausted).
Socks on shower door rail, Undies on shower arm and taps.
Tee shirts over top of door frame, and move towel to the lower rail - for last tee on top rail.
Wipe myself off. Another load of washing done.
Yes, I could have gone to the laundromat - if I had $6 and a way to get there and back. Yes, I could have used the washer (and dryer if needed) - but not comfortable putting dirty/soggy/clean/damp clothes on the kitchen floor after they've been sitting for a week.
Next week the sheets. Too many bloody hand stains accumulating.
19:00 - I'd like to get out opf the house, but realistically I can't afford to get anywhere, nothing to do, and no-one to see. No cinema, pub or other options due to cost of $anything. I'll reheat some frozen beef leftovers from FMA's work last week. That means I can save a frozen dinner box for another day. Zero outlay, minimal impact to everyone else around me. Good work. Will probably steal a garlic bread and Diet Coke from cleaning job later.
19:00 - I'd like to get out opf the house, but realistically I can't afford to get anywhere, nothing to do, and no-one to see. No cinema, pub or other options due to cost of $anything. I'll reheat some frozen beef leftovers from FMA's work last week. That means I can save a frozen dinner box for another day. Zero outlay, minimal impact to everyone else around me. Good work. Will probably steal a garlic bread and Diet Coke from cleaning job later.
Fri 5 Dec ---
Not enough petrol or reason to go to Scoresby. No feedback from yesterday, I emailed some more notes and suggestions to help them identify a path forward. No feedback - except from the IT guy - who fixed access to their website which I pointed out was broken....
15:00 I suppose it must have been my fault. I scraped all the coins together so I could drive my 5km limited car the required 5km with 20km of petrol left in the tank - to spend the $8 which I had gathered.
Decided that $8 can't buy much - so decided on comfort food, and bought 2 packets of ice-cream on special. The freezer tub had half-a-dozen varieties from a well known brand - apparently 'all' on special at $4 a box... great. I chose two boxes based on the best price-per-100g. (yes, I was that cheap' - what options do I have? )
Stand a few minutes in line at the checkout, waiting for the ice-cream to melt.
Scan-beep. $10.20 please... "What? They're $4 each"... No, all but one, this one.
Luckily I've already developed a line that works, "Darn - I just grabbed all the coins in the center-console".... I apologise to the 4-5 people queued behind me.
Life is good. How can I make it more equal for those around me? (If I was a 'psycho' (or in the USA) - those could be dangerous words)17:00 - I'm just lonely. That's all. Nothing special.
At least my burns are slowly healing. A bit gross to share - buit who am I going to offend? I'm the only person here, and I can't feel a thing! Australia is a great country.
22:15 - My life is shit. No difference between torture, and living. I haven't spoken to anyone all day, and simly watching TV reminds me there is only one l;etter difference between 'waiting' and 'wanting' to move on.
I think to my self - hey call someone, get out and do something. Then reality tells me I don't have anyone close enough to call, and if I did, I can't reach them, or afford to do anything - not even a coffee or movie. It sucks.
Thu 4 Dec ---
Went to Scoresby again around 9:40 am
Really didn't achieve much - the owner is paralysed with fear of the business and his life collapsing.
I decided since I couldn't do much more - that I'd get home to eat from the freezer, and write some observations which may help him make some (apparently) hard decisions.
Wed 4 Dec ---
Spent the day at Scoresby - trying to help identify a way forward for John and Co. Some significant challenges but it is do-able. earned $3 an hour, I'm happy for now... I have a focus.
Tue 3 Dec ---
Missed the U3A session today - just personally depressed. Sent an email.
What I found fascinating is that I had no unusual reason to be depressed, but I had been installing a
program on the laptop last night - and couldn't get it to work immediately - but my patience/anxiety/panic threshold was zero, and I had to walk away.
program on the laptop last night - and couldn't get it to work immediately - but my patience/anxiety/panic threshold was zero, and I had to walk away.
There was no urgency or priority other than I felt I was impatient and failing. I need some success at something - and this just wasn't it.
But I did remember to put the weekly rubbish out!
Mowed the grass - but totally unmotivated, feeling disoriented. i.e. another day.
Mowed the grass - but totally unmotivated, feeling disoriented. i.e. another day.
Sat 29 Nov ---
Went to vote - for the VEP (the only party i could see that actually had a clearly stated platform.
Is it legal for a former employer to block incoming emai from your email/IP ?
Is that restrain of trade, or blocking free speech? I might look into that.
Fri 28 Nov ---
Took FMA's car to put a new radiator - all good.
AEC off to schoolies in Byron today for a week... All alone with FMA when she's here.
Started to think about my capabilities - (shouldn't someone else be doing that?)
Intellectual - score OK, but no use if nobody wants to use it.
Physical - maybe 30% at best. No opportunity there without intervention and/or therapy.
Confidence - worrying, as I don't know if I can live up to expectations or responsibility if it ever came my way again.
Wed 26 Nov ---
Went to visit the transformer factory - very impressive. Completely in-house apart from some bolt-on 'accessories'. Great to walk & talk with other tech-heads. Sweat like crazy - in the A/C rooms. Legs pretty tired - but hey it was really worth it.
Met two people that could be relevant to my revival - not excited yet.
Tue 25 Nov ---
Went out and sold a ring & chain I had in my drawer for 30 years. So I masnmasged to refill my freezer with food for a week - and some cash to have excitement for a week until my next 'pension' payment. Yaay - pizza and hardware store. What ore could a man want.
Went to U3A again - within my 5 km curfew radius. Nice group, fun to talk to real people for a couple of hours.
Mon 24 Nov ---
It's incredibly unfair that I am not 'allowed' or resourced sufficiently to interact eith people on a daily basis. Do I smell bad? am I a threat to their existence? what did =or- am I doing wrong to deserve this purgatory? 20+ hours a day alone with zero interaction other than this and tv is incredibly debilitating and demoralising. I have a short time left with my physical issues - and vry simply can't afford to move outside these walls. Thanks god for a computer to read news and other articles. Email is not much use, as I only receive spam, offers, and bills I can't pay. I don't remember the last unsolicited contact I had from anyone. The only replies I get (very infrequently) are from specific questions or approaches I make to organisations and some acquaintances (that feel sorry for me? (I guess that's something. Maybe they'll send a card to my funeral.)
Conversations only go so far before they get dropped at the wayside - when you're having them with yourself! The best intentions die a natural death in a vacuum.
Thought of the day. Pursuing physical/'hardware' solutions is by definition a limited opportunity. software and algorithmic research is immutable, and like evolution itself will transform and migrate across new, evolving platforms for eternity. In a Darwinian way; Older, weak, or irrelevant constructs will fade away while their progeny mutate and move forward in new, un-imagined environments of the future. (To come up with this I must be really bored - and fading away!)
Conversations only go so far before they get dropped at the wayside - when you're having them with yourself! The best intentions die a natural death in a vacuum.
Thought of the day. Pursuing physical/'hardware' solutions is by definition a limited opportunity. software and algorithmic research is immutable, and like evolution itself will transform and migrate across new, evolving platforms for eternity. In a Darwinian way; Older, weak, or irrelevant constructs will fade away while their progeny mutate and move forward in new, un-imagined environments of the future. (To come up with this I must be really bored - and fading away!)
Sun 23 Nov ---
01:00 - FMA car was left by the side of the road in city. Overheated and stopped. It may have something to do with the (blocked radiator?) which AEC and I mentioned last week. 80-100 km/h for sustained period - turn on the 'heater' --- not ideal but it works - but you have to do it before the motor seizes up.Ya' know... the only thing I've ever been accused of professionally, is that I 'over-contribute'. Why is that so bad?
MADC going to Japan with GF tonight. I hope he learns a thing or two about filial respect.
My email signatures probably say a lot about me!
My email signatures probably say a lot about me!
- Not always right, but never wrong.
- The relentless optimist - or too dumb to be a pessimist.
- I know nothing about anything, and have an opinion about everything.
- A wise person said -
– “If you can’t say something nice about a person – then at least enjoy letting ‘em know!”
Sat 22 Nov ---
20:45 asked to collect AEC from Rowville, because FMA car stopped in city and she's about 15km away at the station. OK, I set out in 5km stages - letting my car cool down between segments. At 9:40, I get to a staging point near the 10pm AEC pickup . Another call 'where are you'? - you don't have to go now, as FMA has now organised something else and is waiting about 500m from where I am! Please be consistent. So I take another hour to get back home empty handed. Car cools down slower than it heats up!
Morning: FMA never ceases to confound me. Yesterday - a plan that I would drive her to catering at a 'wake' in Sunbury. Changed last night to me not taking her. This morning she came in from somewhere and said she was going alone (colleague had dropped out). I volunteered again to drive, as I had previously offered, and had nothing else to do. Great. To drive an hour, and drop her at the door and sit in the car for four hours, Hmmm OK I knew what I was geting in for.
BUT - I was supposed to get dressed up as if I was attending the wake? No.
BUT - I was supposed to get dressed up as if I was attending the wake? No.
All shirty, she decided to go alone after all. WTF did she come home between stops anyway? Just to piss me off? That amazing ability she has to make me feel guilty and more useless - simply by offering to assist her activity. I easlly don't know, The generosity pool is drying up on all fronts.Rule #1 Don't drink hot soup from a metal mug. (three days ago, Savlon and neuropathy). Second degree burns on two fingers. Kep them clean and let them dry out . run the course - but it looks even yuckier now!
Fri 21 Nov ---
Happy 21st birthday MADC. I love you so much, and wish I could do, be, or offer more to make your ife a happy thing. That's all I can say. Good luck & hugs from dad
Thu 20 Nov ---
Just realised (although Ive been aware of it for along time), that wheneverr anyone in th family asks if I'd like a coffee, baked beans, or anything that comes from the common kitty - I automatically reply 'no thanks' - which I have attributed perhaps incorrectly as a knee jerk reaction to not wanting to diminish the assets available to the others for their productive lives. Sad but true.
I was asked by GH last night of I had any ideas for a 'better' pool cleaner. Sure - so I noted it down, and sent it back. Also asked RayK if he may be interested to explore the development opportunity. Simple, effective and worth a lot to the right people.
MADC is going to Japan on Sunday with GF. FMA refuses to even talk about or acknowledge it, as she does not accept he is acting like a 21 year old man living his own life. Unfortunately I can't even afford to buy him an ice-cream on his big day. It will hurt me as much as it will him..
Profound statement for today: No-one knows themselves as well as they do.
I'm beginning to realise that everyone thinks I'm a pain in the ass - perhaps 24/7. My sin is over-contributing -- I guess when others are not looking for input. But I'm also beginning to feel that I don't deserve to be treated the way I have been in recent years. But that's just what life & society have moved on to. I don't really want anything more than a fair share and chance.
Realised tonight that I'm spending over 20 hours a day in the bedroom again. Sleeping, watching TV or typing on this machine. No outside contacts - and those that I do reach out to don't reply - with the exception of AR in CBR - as good person. Just reading, TV and sleep. Stop to see if I can find some food, or steal a slice of garlic bread from FMA's work. My god - how sad does this sound!
MADC is going to Japan on Sunday with GF. FMA refuses to even talk about or acknowledge it, as she does not accept he is acting like a 21 year old man living his own life. Unfortunately I can't even afford to buy him an ice-cream on his big day. It will hurt me as much as it will him..
Profound statement for today: No-one knows themselves as well as they do.
I'm beginning to realise that everyone thinks I'm a pain in the ass - perhaps 24/7. My sin is over-contributing -- I guess when others are not looking for input. But I'm also beginning to feel that I don't deserve to be treated the way I have been in recent years. But that's just what life & society have moved on to. I don't really want anything more than a fair share and chance.
Realised tonight that I'm spending over 20 hours a day in the bedroom again. Sleeping, watching TV or typing on this machine. No outside contacts - and those that I do reach out to don't reply - with the exception of AR in CBR - as good person. Just reading, TV and sleep. Stop to see if I can find some food, or steal a slice of garlic bread from FMA's work. My god - how sad does this sound!
Wed 19 Nov---
You know what? No one has ever asked me what the neuropathy feels like. Ever.
I'll tell you. Legs feel like they're made of damp wood from the knees down. Feet like sandbags filled with wet sand. Fingers like stuffed sausage skins, and hands like they're held together with tightly stretched rubber bands. There - now you all know.
Tue 18 Nov ---
Went to sit in with local retirement village 'computer session'. Nice people, helped them understand files & folders. Email attachments etc. Fun & conversation for two hours.
It seems that I burned two fingers on a hot mug - without knowing until massive blisters appeared later, unexpectedly! Pop, squeeze, dry, antiseptic and now wait.
It seems that I burned two fingers on a hot mug - without knowing until massive blisters appeared later, unexpectedly! Pop, squeeze, dry, antiseptic and now wait.
Sun 16 Nov ---
Just thinking about moving around this week, to help at U3A and show PT to BruceC.
(Melb Zone 2) Taxi each-way fare ranges from $15 to $30 for 8-11km journey at 10am on a weekday.
Train/Tram not available for the required routes. Bus looks to be about $5 (all-day pass) plus cost of the fare card. Trip planner says around 3-hours journey each way.
Driving in car (all costs accounted) is approx $5-8 for the same journey - excluding parking costs (if-any). Too bad the car has no petrol, and I can;t afford any (or the fares above!!) Head gasket overheating not a probem up to around 5-8km... so should be ok.
Sat 15 Nov ---
Not too bad yet, but the void is starting to creep over, and consume me. I still tweak things in the software of my gadget - but without anyone to sell, show or offer it to - that seems pointless. At least I'll be prepared if any buyers come running to the door!. But maybe that's depression talking.
I have a session scheduled to help out at the U3A 'computer' class next Tuesday, but not confirmed yet how I'll get there. May be ok, as car is on empty and within 5km - so I should make it without overheating.
No real signs from the world - but I can;t really expect an, as I'm invisible - no outside contact to speak of. To be fair, Bruce C says he likes the idea, and I'll show it off to him next week.
Fixed FMA's friend's stroller today - drilled a small brass strap & bolts to reinforce a broken plastic span. He was happy.
2330 Trid to sleep for a couple of hours. I must be going crazy. starting to hear my thoughts and fears. I have to get out of this house and repair what's left of the relationships I used to have with my children and the world. I really am 'waiting to die'. It's no fun at all.
2330 Trid to sleep for a couple of hours. I must be going crazy. starting to hear my thoughts and fears. I have to get out of this house and repair what's left of the relationships I used to have with my children and the world. I really am 'waiting to die'. It's no fun at all.
Mon 10 Nov ---
Watched TV, now doodling at 02:30 am
I'm losing interest in my gadget, as I have no peers to bounce off, and no way to reach market exploration or development people... It needs a little more work, but works fine in 90% of situations. I'm still working on it, but the motivation is evaporating if not for GK in Thailand giving some minimal feedback.
Sun 9 Nov ---
People with Asperger's Syndrome are often described, as having social skills deficits, reluctance to listen, difficulty understanding social give and take, and other core characteristics, is typically quite misunderstood and/or misdiagnosed in our country today.
http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/article_2086.shtml
Sat 8 Nov ---
Once again, simple plans ae completely irrelevant due to lavk of fundamental thinking by someone. Honestly, if i ever decide to do myself in - it will be to see the last of 'the dumbest educated person I know'.
Did some washing today (jeans, towels etc) - no powder, so just machine & water... !
Did some washing today (jeans, towels etc) - no powder, so just machine & water... !
Mon 3 Nov ---
Wasn't expecting today to be a holiday with Melb Cup tomorrow as well. Damn. I hate holidays, as FMA and the world are sitting around watching me do even less with my life. No freedom t mover around at home - just extra judgement.
Fri 31 Oct---
My gadget is nearing completion - and I'm starting tpo worry what will fill the void. It kept me focused and occupied- now I have no means to 'get it out there'.
Sat 25 Oct ---
Being excited about something is pretty meaningless if you have no-one to share with and feed each other's excitement. My best friend is this machine, and it tends to be a bit one-sided.
AEC has finished final year of school - now just exams and life ahead! A trip overseas will open her eyes and ground her sense of responsibilities. Good luck 'Mouse'.
Wed 22 Oct ---
Quite a few days now. Bread but no margarine. Cereal but no sugar etc...
But at least I have the web code running on PingThing. Now I need to build a PCU with more RAM.
This is one of those things that I want to do, but I'm just out of inspiration. No means to move around, no food, no positive feedback, no life. It's just depressing. I have to get over it for another day.
This is one of those things that I want to do, but I'm just out of inspiration. No means to move around, no food, no positive feedback, no life. It's just depressing. I have to get over it for another day.
QUOTE: You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think.
Sat 18 Oct ---
MADC, get over yourself. Relationships with your family are more important than your ego or image. If you don't like it move out and make yourself happy without affecting those that love you.
20:30 - I just dropped AEC to a friend's birthday - I really didn't want to come home, but I don't have many choices - money, car, mobility...And realised that in my mind, all the dysfunction in our fmaily relationships seem to stem from FMA and her doggedness. I certainly have my problems, but I don't think I originally cast them onto the kids. Perhaps more recently they have absorbed some of my negativity - but the rot was well set in before that.
20:30 - I just dropped AEC to a friend's birthday - I really didn't want to come home, but I don't have many choices - money, car, mobility...And realised that in my mind, all the dysfunction in our fmaily relationships seem to stem from FMA and her doggedness. I certainly have my problems, but I don't think I originally cast them onto the kids. Perhaps more recently they have absorbed some of my negativity - but the rot was well set in before that.
Wed 15 Oct ---
What is wrong? Last week, I submitted a 'suggestion' to a major gas products web site - saying I had an idea for a valuable new product segment, and would they like to hear what it is... Nothing. Silence.
Obviously all these companies are very happy with their current earnings and poduct capabilities. (Or they simply never check their web contact inbox.)
During Dr appointment on Monday - I made the statement / realised - that after so many non-contacts and rejections - that I've lost confidence in my ability to engage... It's no longer enough to show me the door to opportunity, you have to hold my hand and walk me through. I have the brains to deliver, but can't seem to get that through to others.
During Dr appointment on Monday - I made the statement / realised - that after so many non-contacts and rejections - that I've lost confidence in my ability to engage... It's no longer enough to show me the door to opportunity, you have to hold my hand and walk me through. I have the brains to deliver, but can't seem to get that through to others.
Sun 12 Oct ---
In case anyone's interested. My feet feel like they're sausages stuffed full. Pudgy, inflexible - yet they look and feel normal from outside (perhaps a bit 'boney'). My ankles are extremely tight when pulling up - maybe tight tendons or whatever, but extending downward is reasonably normal & comfortable. Hands - something like my feet, but they feel so dry and cracked from both inside and outside. No cream seems to help - and made worse by my nibbling at flakes of dry skin and my nails.
Muscle and nerve aches particularly in my lower legs virtually all the time to some extent, but I seem to have masked that most of the time. Still waiting.
Sat 11 Oct ---
OK, I know I'm incredibly unhealthy - for both lack of effort, motivation and - I believe - physical contributors. For years I've complained about sinus and persistent coughs etc. And also for many years, I've been very sensitive to cooking smells and almost anything that's not 'normally' in the air. Today I was having MADC pull a cable in the roof space for me (I know I'm too broken to climb in confined spaces...!) What I noticed was that FMA was frying something near where we were pushing MADC into the ceiling - and it was very difficult for me to grab complete, full breaths. Accompanying that was the other persistent symptom of my sweating heavily on my abdomen. Just step back, take it easy for a few seconds, and press on. But it's more than an exception - hard to breathe and sweating are normal for me - along with the neuropathy... oh well, I did say "I'm just sitting around waiting to die"!
Thu 9 Oct ---
I was never the competitive, try-hard-to-be-popular person. Somewhere in my upbringing, the values of find the shortest, fastest, cheapest solution to do the best job was instilled. I may not have always succeeded, but that was my motivating force, to simply do the job as efficiently as possible. Not a popular strategy obviously - which seem sto have left me standing out in the cold..
Wed 8 Oct ---
This is completely irrational - as I sit here in bed, or watching TV - hoping the world will come to me! Of course I know that's not going to happen, but reaching out just doesn't work any more with my limited resources. Since the weekend, I've written to several 'contacts' nboth new and existing- but only one response from a guy I hired a few years ago (now working elsewhere). That's it.
One particular contact was approaching a company with a product suggestion which seems like a great opportunity - but no feedback of any sort to say 'lets talk'. If I can't give stuff away - what chance is there of asking them for a connection !
BTW: Did you know that panic attacks are completely pointless if there is nobody around to see you panic.
BTW: Did you know that panic attacks are completely pointless if there is nobody around to see you panic.
Tue 7 Oct---
Am I invisible, or is everything I do and say so totally irrelevant?
I wrote to a 'friend' at a TV network, asking if he had any use for, or ideas about my 'Ping gadget'. Read reply, no comment, no feedback, nothing. I wrote to my (very old time) contact at Google to see iof he had looked at my papers. No reply, no feedback, nothing. Ok they're busy people, and I'm a blip, but I am a person. Just 'sorry I'm too busy to look at the moment - or 'something' would be nice to know I'm not a waste of space & time. At least I have been heard - even if I am irrelevant, I have a voice. Thanks.
I don't know if it would help, but I wish I could afford to pay for a conversational counselor - at least I'd have some one to talk to!
Mon 6 Oct ---
I've realised for some time, that I don't do anything at home when others are here - to avoid being 'told' how i'm doing it wrong. This came up today because I was expecting everyone to return to their regular activities after school holidays... but they're all still here. Hence I'm unable to eat, wash my clothes or even make my bedroom tidy - because they're all over the place - including in my bed (after I made it)
I know ts is wrong, but it's the way I feel, and can maintain some 'control' of my own surroundings. As it is I can do very little else than sleep, shower and toilet without being corrected about something.
Sun 5 Oct ---
Went to the 'beach' with FMA and her friends. I do't really belong, buit it helps maintain the peace. In fact on thinking further, I don't feel like I belong anywhere, but have to pretend - so I have place to sleep. Now feeling hungry, but probably easier to wait until tomorrow when I'm alone - so I don't have to eat what I'm told, or justify what I want to have.
Funny story... at the beach, I was wondering what would happen if I started to walk off into the surf, with no intention of coming back. I figured I'd get just beyond standing depth, and realise -'oh shit', I left the heater on, or some other stupid thin like that, and return to my dysfunctional rational, waste of a life.
Tue 30 Sep ---
Thinking about mowing the lawn, but afraid that as soon as I start FMA will tell me how I'm doing it wrong. If it will last, maybe wait until holidays are over, or FMA is out of the house.
Mon 29 Sep ---
I find it amazing that FMA fed 15-20 people yesterday (with enough food for 30), and the freezer / fridge are both absolutely chock full of 'stuff' - to the point that 'something' crept into the portable fridge that I use to keep my 'things' out of the mainstream. Yet despite all this accumulation of stuff, I can't find anything obvious to eat.
11pm, and I'm still sitting in my room. It's school holidays - yet I'm disinterested in a battle to do something with the family this fortnight or any past holidays I can recall for five or more years. FMA has to do it 'her way' AEC is heading into final exams, MADC does not respect FMA or myself (who can blame him?).
Even if we could find something that we might attempt together, the dysfunction would destroy the outing before we got the in the car. And of course I can't contribute in any way to the selection of activities because of budget, so FMA will arrange to meet her friends (or take them along) on our 'special outing'...!
Sorry, but for the physical and mental pain, it's not worth it. The kids are old enough to get over it, and FMA is old enough to do what she wants - and I'm discouraged enough to sit in a closed room and just wait it out as long as I last.
Wrote to Dr AS to see if a complete reboot was in order.
11pm, and I'm still sitting in my room. It's school holidays - yet I'm disinterested in a battle to do something with the family this fortnight or any past holidays I can recall for five or more years. FMA has to do it 'her way' AEC is heading into final exams, MADC does not respect FMA or myself (who can blame him?).
Even if we could find something that we might attempt together, the dysfunction would destroy the outing before we got the in the car. And of course I can't contribute in any way to the selection of activities because of budget, so FMA will arrange to meet her friends (or take them along) on our 'special outing'...!
Sorry, but for the physical and mental pain, it's not worth it. The kids are old enough to get over it, and FMA is old enough to do what she wants - and I'm discouraged enough to sit in a closed room and just wait it out as long as I last.
Wrote to Dr AS to see if a complete reboot was in order.
Sun 28 Sep ---
FMA had a bunch of prayer people over (so much food for so few people!).
I sent & collected AEC from work.
Worked on ping device software.
Fri 26 Sep ---
Ping gadget is really neat. Now I need to see how to package and maybe market it for lowest cost.
Nothing else happening, so that's all for today. Luckily this is almost all software so fingers are only half the problem!
Wed 23 Sep ---
Started working on a ping gadget to fill in some time...
Fixed a couple of lasers, but fingers are really starting tp let me down o the hardware front. Tiny screws and components are almost impossible to not drop. May not be so good soon.
Mon 21 Sep ---
Craig B replied... so I reworked two documents to see how he likes them. Fingers crossed.
Did some work on carport lights and lead for FGE. Sensitivity of my fingers is really bad with anything smaller than a pencil. I hope it comes back if/when I'm mentally engaged again.
Sun 20 Sep ---
I was watching TV today (as always), and realised that without exposure, my existence is pointless. Wild animals receive counselling and healthcare, park furniture gets repaired when it's faulty or damaged, but IO can;t even get an appointment to discuss my problems. That's not right.
Maybe I can find way to develop a channel for (is there anyone else?) like me - to present their case, and counsel each other if no-one else is interested.
Not sure how I'll approach this, as I can't even develop a conversation with anyone to start with - so it may just be another wasted effort to make life better, but I will think about it.
Thu 18 Sep ---
Bought a mattock (with mum's money) to dig a new drain in the back yard. (A slow job for the weekend). FMA had twenty students over from 9 to 3, so I was hiding in my room all day. Bored.
Rejected by myCause - there's a surprise.
Rejected by myCause - there's a surprise.
Wed 17 Sep ---
Posted on gofundme and mycause - to see if I can raise enough to repair & register the car, and get back into the employable workforce. Fingers crossed.
Tue 16 Sep ---
Decided out of respect to myself and Rob (below), I decided to reignite my interest in commercialising F3 - now called Diversiti.
Mon 15 Sep ---
Had a note today from an old work colleague, slightly younger than I am... he has terminal brain cancer - so it makes me look lucky. He has a youngish family (teens), and financial security, but what's that if it's all taken away from you? Sad.
Saw my doc today. She's going on a philanthropic sabbatical to NT for a year or more!
Luckily I'm reasonably comfortable with another doctor at the same clinic. Let's give him a try.
Saw my doc today. She's going on a philanthropic sabbatical to NT for a year or more!
Luckily I'm reasonably comfortable with another doctor at the same clinic. Let's give him a try.
Sun Sep 14 ---
I know I'm stupid, but when someone asks if I'd like some breakfast, and I say 'no thanks' - since I'm not using any energy, and want to save the household budget for more important things... the next question is 'will you come and sit with us?' No thanks, I do't want to watch you eat, while I'm trying to run my self into the ground.
AEC: 'Why is there a single plate in the sink? Who's going to wash it?' My reply: 'it seemed like a better idea to wash more than one plate at a time. Save hot water etc...' So who gets to wash the plates after breakfast - that were left stacked in the sink along with my one? Me. I'm so f*ing oevr this life.
I have just stacked the third flat-pack (fourth actually) desk that 'we've' accumulated over the last few years, because there's no room for it in the house. Ok, it's good use of the shed, but bad use of resources (desks). Shed is getting full, and not even finished being built yet.
Tried contacting an old acquaintance that is now a senior exec at google... maybe I can get him to listen to FREEDOM ? Anything is worth a try.
Just did a couple of chores at home. I reckon I have about 40% use of my fingers, 80% of my hands, 20% of my feet, and 60% of my legs for general incidental tasks. Is that disabled? Wrapped with depression it sure feels like it.
Tried contacting an old acquaintance that is now a senior exec at google... maybe I can get him to listen to FREEDOM ? Anything is worth a try.
Just did a couple of chores at home. I reckon I have about 40% use of my fingers, 80% of my hands, 20% of my feet, and 60% of my legs for general incidental tasks. Is that disabled? Wrapped with depression it sure feels like it.
Sat Sep 13 ---
I like adding photos now - no reason,
I must remember that I maintain this blog as an outlet because I don't have any luck finding anyone to hear or listen to my daily fears, experiences, concerns or whatever. Perhaps in the future, someone will find/read it and see a way to help others by understanding what could be happening in another person's world. Maybe I do get through to people, but I'm not sensitive to the feedback?
Not like I need to 'think' any more... but I was wondering how I got to where I am now. I remember from my teens - around the time I started driving... independence!, and feel that among my friends, I moved from 'place to place', rather than 'group to group'. I was close enough to the group from memory, but never seemed to become part of the fabric. Perhaps a hangover from childhood, and those nomadic years, but I wonder if that imprinted a form of 'denial' that protected me from becoming too engaged. The symptoms make sense, and could explain why I was often left to my own ends on weekends and holidays - working or doing things alone at Christmas, on New Years day - and even overnight on birthdays or weekends - for many years. Simply to stay occupied and busy while not recognising or admitting to being alone - or a loner... Too late now, but I can try to unwind some of that if I can pull the resources and opportunity together. That's going to be a challenge.
This symptom did create one positive outcome, I was challenged around my early thirties to deliver and follow through, rather than just talk. APV was a way to prove I could do what I said, and was a success - acknowledged by the person that challenged me a couple of years earlier. Subsequently, I've made it a point that I prove anything I propose as 'an idea' - yet that seems to have worked against me, as I have some pretty 'far out' ideas that I've prototyped and documented - yet because I'm one person, without formal background in a specific field - dismissed as irrelevant, without a chance to present the idea, concept or proposal. That hurts a lot.
I'm sure a few people think I'm a crackpot, but like a 'a hacker', I take that in the original context, but in today's world being called a crackpot is like being called a paedophile - or an 'criminal infiltrator' in the hacker context. I'm naive and unstructured, but that lets me see opportunities and challenges that others may not. A childlike gift of observation if that is worth anything.
Maybe a good time to look back at one of my earlier blog entries...
http://lastchancename.blogspot.com.au/2013/06/there-your-problem.html
I must remember that I maintain this blog as an outlet because I don't have any luck finding anyone to hear or listen to my daily fears, experiences, concerns or whatever. Perhaps in the future, someone will find/read it and see a way to help others by understanding what could be happening in another person's world. Maybe I do get through to people, but I'm not sensitive to the feedback?
Not like I need to 'think' any more... but I was wondering how I got to where I am now. I remember from my teens - around the time I started driving... independence!, and feel that among my friends, I moved from 'place to place', rather than 'group to group'. I was close enough to the group from memory, but never seemed to become part of the fabric. Perhaps a hangover from childhood, and those nomadic years, but I wonder if that imprinted a form of 'denial' that protected me from becoming too engaged. The symptoms make sense, and could explain why I was often left to my own ends on weekends and holidays - working or doing things alone at Christmas, on New Years day - and even overnight on birthdays or weekends - for many years. Simply to stay occupied and busy while not recognising or admitting to being alone - or a loner... Too late now, but I can try to unwind some of that if I can pull the resources and opportunity together. That's going to be a challenge.
This symptom did create one positive outcome, I was challenged around my early thirties to deliver and follow through, rather than just talk. APV was a way to prove I could do what I said, and was a success - acknowledged by the person that challenged me a couple of years earlier. Subsequently, I've made it a point that I prove anything I propose as 'an idea' - yet that seems to have worked against me, as I have some pretty 'far out' ideas that I've prototyped and documented - yet because I'm one person, without formal background in a specific field - dismissed as irrelevant, without a chance to present the idea, concept or proposal. That hurts a lot.I'm sure a few people think I'm a crackpot, but like a 'a hacker', I take that in the original context, but in today's world being called a crackpot is like being called a paedophile - or an 'criminal infiltrator' in the hacker context. I'm naive and unstructured, but that lets me see opportunities and challenges that others may not. A childlike gift of observation if that is worth anything.
Maybe a good time to look back at one of my earlier blog entries...
http://lastchancename.blogspot.com.au/2013/06/there-your-problem.html
Fri Sep 12 ---
I was thinking a bit more, and realise that i was keenly aware, and seemed to work around it --- that from my early twenties, I was always the 'odd one out' in a larger group of my peers. I could hold my own in a small group, but more than 10 or 15 peers (ok, let's say 5 to 10), and I tended to disappear and be somewhere else...
It fitted well with my career choices, so wasn't a problem again until my late thirties or thereabout, and began to impact my life strongly in my early-mid forties. Now, well everything combined, with my insular personality has left me out on a limb. Literally.
Not just with my peers, but with society in general. A big problem.
Not just for me, but for my spouses and children.. A bit late, but I guess I have to apologise for screwing up a lot of lives without even knowing.
Not just for me, but for my spouses and children.. A bit late, but I guess I have to apologise for screwing up a lot of lives without even knowing.
Wed Sep 10 ---
If I passed away, no-one would notice - including myself!
Here's my take on the circle of life and wellbeing... unfortunately, I don't score too well.
Here's my take on the circle of life and wellbeing... unfortunately, I don't score too well.
Graphic updated 140912
Booked a doctor's appointment for next Monday - at least I should try to be proactive!
Tue Sep 9 ---
Loneliness and isolation are a bitch.
This is all about me. I'm not suffering Alzheimer's, dementia or other mentally limiting condition that I know of. Just loneliness due to a physical ailment that perhaps I brought upon myself, and some ego, anti-social behaviour learned through my life.
I livbe in 'my wife's' rented house, eat and consume as little as possible. Do simple electronic and maintenance tasks to stay focused each day, but have a zero existence in most ways.
A big day is walking to the local milk-bar (if I have a dollar or three) to buy an ince cream or other diabetic sin. Why not? There is no other future that I can reach without any means of support.
I'm being slightly unfair. I have offers of social support from my wife - as long as I engage on her terms with her community. Honestly, I find them as conversationally interesting as a wet tissue on the footpath. So I guess that's cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I have no social friends. I have no work colleagues, My family seems to shrug me off as lacking a desire to be part of their world - or irrelevant in their spaces - both true. I realise these are my issues, and work hard to create new avenues to express myself elsewhere, but the demons of diabetes (no fun folks), and past financial stupidity have left me fantastically and totally unable to re-engage with the world.
Work applications - even for positions that match my skill set, experience and capabilities are simply lost in the ether. No response or engagement - even when there was a 'decline' sent - I never received it... A black hole. This is very demoralizing and discouraging.
I have a number of innovations proposals or 'inventions') I'd like to present and discuss with (anyone), but my situation, and current business practices seem to exclude discussing new ideas unless you're part of the existing community already. Weird, but what I've been seeing for the last few years.
My car is due for registration this month - then I have a couple of months to renew the rego, before it falls out to require a full roadworthy. My problem is apart from being my only asset, why am I holding desperately onto a car which currently doesn't run?
It needs head gaskets, and fuel. That's all, but I can't afford either - yet it represents my only possible opportunity to get back out in the world should I be able to get it running again. I could sell it as-is, but that would leave me short on paying out the personal loan balance (about $6K)... whic in itself wouldn't be a problem as I'm already in default to everyone else without an income or means to find one. So my car is my only friend, and I can't afford to keep it alive either.
Doctor, treatment, medications - nup. Off the books. I could take advantage of my doctor's offer to bulk-bill, but that requires me to get to the surgery and back. Difficult without transport... although we are now only about 1km away, so a walk o a good day is possible again. I'll call to book an appointment today. Prescriptions are another matter altogether.
Doctor, treatment, medications - nup. Off the books. I could take advantage of my doctor's offer to bulk-bill, but that requires me to get to the surgery and back. Difficult without transport... although we are now only about 1km away, so a walk o a good day is possible again. I'll call to book an appointment today. Prescriptions are another matter altogether.
Bills this month. A traffic ticket (which I committed (very dubious) while doing a favour driving for someone else). Phone & internet. Car loan. Food, Car registration. Total about 1500. Income from scratching around perhaps $600. This is not going well. And this is to simply get by this month. No life at all, just exist in someone else's space. The other, older past debts are just sitting there waiting to catch up, or for me to pass on.
21:12 Watching TV - still. I may as well be dead, I have no purpose or interaction of any sort other than criticism inferred by FMA and society in general. The kids are bewildered, but living their own lives - perhaps afraid to ask me what's happening. FMA is in some other place, or denial - but seems ignorant or unable to understand what I tell her about my circumstances. I feel sorriest for AEC, with her exams and teenage life disrupted by my apparent selfishness. She has poutlets, but it must have an impact.
21:12 Watching TV - still. I may as well be dead, I have no purpose or interaction of any sort other than criticism inferred by FMA and society in general. The kids are bewildered, but living their own lives - perhaps afraid to ask me what's happening. FMA is in some other place, or denial - but seems ignorant or unable to understand what I tell her about my circumstances. I feel sorriest for AEC, with her exams and teenage life disrupted by my apparent selfishness. She has poutlets, but it must have an impact.
Mon Sep 8 ---
Maybe I've missed the whole point of life.
Here I am sitting in my (borrowed) bedroom, numb, or pain in my hands, legs and soul. Waiting for everyone else to leave the house so I can move out of the room to do nothing.
If I do something (which I will), it will be judged as the wrong thing, and I'll be back to square one.
I have so many ideas to contribute, but a proven track record of no-one wanting to hear or meet.
Food, whatever is within a kilometre, that is free or on sale the first week of each month.
Social assistance - nil. It's irrelevant now unless someone takes me ther or brings the service to me. Transport, fares, means to live are all beyond me.
Am I afraid of confrontation? yes. Am I afraid of being judged? yes. Am I afraid of further failure? yes. Can I afford to faint, fall or die in public? No. I can't afford the bus, ambulance, fuel or taxi to do anything other than hide here in my borrowed space. Feeling guilty and a burden on those that I brought here to this mess I have created. Good work.
I worked so hard to get this far - and have stuffed it up beyond any means of explanation.Life was a lot easier in so many ways back 'then'.
RIP VJC, we miss you.
Sun Sep 7 ---
Maybe it's my perception, but it seems to me that those around me with very few exceptions, feel that I'm not trying hard enough to 'fit in' with the status quo.
This could be seen two ways, that I expect a perfect world, and won't settle for anything less - which is in small part true... that we should all strive for the best situation and outcomes we can imagine, or we'r simply not doing our part to make the world and life a better pace... or -- that I'm closed minded, and that everyone else needs to change rather than me.
Well, this could also be true, but when you have no cards to play, and when you do deal, no-one 'picks up', then playing by yourself is the only option.
Happy Father's Day
Happy Father's Day
Sat 6 Sep ---
FMA has organised a new arrangement to clean two restaurant properties - now with another couple. She does both properties with a colleague, and they share the doubled payment - i.e.she gets the same money for two properties - half the work multiplied by two. The other couple get a similar cut. Driving / fuel costs are shared by both families i some way. The kicker is that it was expected I'd continue as before - on two sites - with twice the number of toilets to clean for twice the reward - zero. I know I get a roof over my head, and shoudl be grateful, but somehow life seems to be cutting the short straw for me. I can;t afford to fix my car, buy fuel, food or fares, prescriptions or 'anything'. Everyone from my past and present wants something that I can;t give - and I feel guilty. Give me a break please.
Fri 5 Sep ---
Depression is like a microscope, looking at your circumstances and emotions.
Nothing is related, all the events that hit you every day are independent, but there's the inevitable tendency to view them as a single conspiracy determined to work against you.
It's easy to tell yourself they're not working together, but a lot harder to see past that imagined reality.
Life, health, love, finances, significance and opportunity are so tightly interwoven, that when none are present in your field of view - it's so easy to think they are out of reach, especially after several years of being battered by the same punishing, never-ending incoming waves .
I can understand those that give up.
I called today(?) to ask about the position I applied for (ARRB - perfect role match), but apparently was notified a week ago that my application was unsuccessful. Oh well. Maybe it was the day Andrew's mail server was down - it doesn't change the outcome. Sigh.
I called today(?) to ask about the position I applied for (ARRB - perfect role match), but apparently was notified a week ago that my application was unsuccessful. Oh well. Maybe it was the day Andrew's mail server was down - it doesn't change the outcome. Sigh.
Wed 03 Sep ---
Almost completed move to new house. Returned the old keys today.
What can I say?
Sun 24 Aug ---
I have alienated MADC when I expected him to follow through on his offer to accompany FMA and myself to purchase a washer & dryer from his friend at Knox. He was (too lazy to come) with the excuse I might embarrass him. Thanks for working with me on the relationship.
FMA's friend Sayed came over to help me build some of the carport.at Doubell.
Sat 23 Aug ---
MADC was good fun (a bit surly, but nice to talk with... helped put up first panels of new carport-shed at Doubell.
Thus 21 Aug ---
RU-OK wrote back (email) today... a week later! Sorry, we're not a counselling service. Please contact one of the suport organisations listed o our web site. (The same people I have contacted in the past!) Government grants and money at work.
Sun 17 Aug ---
I have nothing to offer, and she has nothing I want. Easy really.
We have been playing family (not H&W) for 15 years for kids, but health and differences on philosophy have put a clear wedge between us. Valium please.
I remember - perhaps 15-20 years ago - saying that I like machines more than people. Sadly, I think in general that is still true. Logical, predictable, and cold like me.
It appears that sharing a room is no longer happening in new house, I have overstepped the line we crossed ten years ago by saying it out loud.
I remember - perhaps 15-20 years ago - saying that I like machines more than people. Sadly, I think in general that is still true. Logical, predictable, and cold like me.
It appears that sharing a room is no longer happening in new house, I have overstepped the line we crossed ten years ago by saying it out loud.
Sat 16 Aug --
I wish I could blame my situation on someone else - but a) that wouldn't be right, and b) I just don't fit or belong in this world the way it appears around me. Not a problem, I'm just sitting in line.
Fri 15 Aug ---
Still no response from RUOK,org,au Disgraceful
Apparently SECURITY and SIGNIFICANCE are the cornerstones of a stable personal life.
I'll tell you when I find some of either.
The hardest thing - is keeping the various stress or depression vectors separate.
Rational thinking tells you that they are all coming from different directions - so you can't bundle them into a single 'get angry' session or solution.
But it's damn hard to be rational when literally nothing is pointing in the right direction, and history has taught me that doing the 'right' thing usually means I get reamed a new way for being a sucker.
I sometimes wish I wasn't so rational - -then I could have a meltdown like some others - and it would all be cool after getting blasted and assaulting someone.
Perhaps drink, take drugs - as if I could afford either!
Moving house - taking the same problems with us.
Rational thinking tells you that they are all coming from different directions - so you can't bundle them into a single 'get angry' session or solution.
But it's damn hard to be rational when literally nothing is pointing in the right direction, and history has taught me that doing the 'right' thing usually means I get reamed a new way for being a sucker.
I sometimes wish I wasn't so rational - -then I could have a meltdown like some others - and it would all be cool after getting blasted and assaulting someone.
Perhaps drink, take drugs - as if I could afford either!
Moving house - taking the same problems with us.
I need to make some hard decisions in the next two weeks - divorce and homeless, or strangled out of any individuality I'd like to have. I'm getting older,and apart from the obvious ills & symptoms - simply living in that stressful environment takes me very close to literally dying of boredom, coughing or anxiety - on a weekly basis. Eating well, regularly would be nice too.
Moving house in circumstances where I have no right to meaningful input is totally emasculating, and would appear selfish if I imposed my will on everything. I'm not the bread winner, I'm not respected for anything more than being intelligent. My name is on the lease... I don't know why.. I was trying to avoid that. I feel guilty turning on the heater, of using hot water - because I am not contributing, and feel a burden to the others. Now one possible situation that if I remove from the lease - FMA+2 may not be permitted to continue? (Not that I contribute anything to the =rent or bond etc).
I'm starting to think i'd rather die on my own terms (no hurry thanks!), than of stress & coughing with the existing status-quo. Whether it's diabetes, nerve damage, blood pressure or other failing - I can see it coming and work around it until the inevitable, but constantly dismissing my own life expectations to keep the peace is far more psychologically damaging, and probably the cause of the above.
I'd like to get back in the workplace - but which comes first- the job or my identity. I need to present myself in the best light, not coughing & spluttering - looking over my shoulder not to offend someone. Religion is a very tolerant and has generous philosophy - as long as you don't question or expect to be an individual. Go with the quo, or you're unworthy.
Wed 13 Aug ---
Cancelled a chat session with doctor - no way to get to the clinic or back. Yes - I could have 'borrowed' fare from FMA to get there - but with no means of repaying it would have been unfair on the household.
Physical limits are a problem - but insignificant when compared to the emotional and financial restrictions on my existence. I'd love to engage or contribute to almost anything - but without ongoing contact, or the apparent feeling of 'not needed or wanted' - I'm stuck here.
It sounds flippant - but after another week or two of isolation - dying would be a generous release, but I'm not going there - as it is the easy way out, and a lifelong burden to AEC & MADC.
If coughing and boredom take their toll - it will be full-time, not my choice to check-out!
Leaving home is high on the list of possible (impractical) options - but again - not a choice until AEC & MADC are well clear of FMA's personal rules of existence. When that becomes a possibility - I have the always overarching issue of where to stay warm between meals & crises!
Removing FMA from my life seems like it may be a big help, but without other resources could easily see the beginning of a new set of trials.
I wrote to RUOK.org.au today. Encouraging? Hardly. No email or phone response yet.
I wrote to RUOK.org.au today. Encouraging? Hardly. No email or phone response yet.
Wed 13 Aug ---
"Disconnected from society" doesn't come close to describing my day-to-day existence.
Sad to hear of Robin Williams departure. How does he or anyone know the right time to turn off the tap? What flips the switch for those people. Can they see it coming - or have a choice?
Tue 12 Aug ---
I feel like a 20-yer old car - it might look great, the engine starts, only a little smoke, and registered for another six months .
We can sell it in a classified, but when you come for a test drive.... three tyres are bald or flat, paint has peeling, windscreen cracked, overheats and no brakes.
Centrelink - I am a person, take note - this is a car, but is not suitable for daily use, and the paperwork doesn't say everything (you didn't ask) Just like me.
Yes, the stereo, windows and seats are fine, but you still have to pay the rego if you -ever- want to put it back on the road... or you could live in it!
P.s. You can't take it for a test drive - I can't afford to put petrol in it.
There is no Newstart or DSP for either of us.
We can sell it in a classified, but when you come for a test drive.... three tyres are bald or flat, paint has peeling, windscreen cracked, overheats and no brakes.
Centrelink - I am a person, take note - this is a car, but is not suitable for daily use, and the paperwork doesn't say everything (you didn't ask) Just like me.
Yes, the stereo, windows and seats are fine, but you still have to pay the rego if you -ever- want to put it back on the road... or you could live in it!
P.s. You can't take it for a test drive - I can't afford to put petrol in it.
There is no Newstart or DSP for either of us.
Mon 4 Aug---
Marriage Tip: Never enter a discussion that can only be won with irrational argument. The bottom line - just don't!
Fri 01 Aug ---
Visited Doctor today - nothing new. But I realised that in current circumstances, I'd be happy living in the car, with internet (for TV/data/phone). Living in a house with FMA is simply not healthy
And out of the house - I could at least claim benefits until I can find an income or drop dead. Starving in a house is not fun with opthers around.
When you have multiple crushing stress points - it's very hard to dissociate them from each other in order to address each individually. They just make for one big shit-fight that is slowly destroying you!
When you have multiple crushing stress points - it's very hard to dissociate them from each other in order to address each individually. They just make for one big shit-fight that is slowly destroying you!
Thu 31 July ---
When I thought things couldn't get any worse - they didn't! (There's the optimist in me!)
Not as if anything could actually get worse - $4 a day, health, loneliness, a life that.. (better left unsaid).
Wed 09 July ---
Zero emotional, intellectual or physical stimulation for as long as I can remember.
No food today, just sleep & TV
Why can't FMA just let others choose their own life (or what remains of it!). There seems to be a constant undercurrent of you should live this way and thank XX for the riches you receive.
Tue 08 July --
You know what's wrong?
No-one knows or is interested that I am not eating regularly, feel weak and have no options left to thrive. It's my fault - so I have nobody to blame, but without food, friends, fuel or money - how can I change anything? No-one returns calls. I can't remember the last time I ate a balanced meal (maybe sometime in the last two weeks?)
No-one knows or is interested that I am not eating regularly, feel weak and have no options left to thrive. It's my fault - so I have nobody to blame, but without food, friends, fuel or money - how can I change anything? No-one returns calls. I can't remember the last time I ate a balanced meal (maybe sometime in the last two weeks?)
Sun 06 July ---
AEC gone with SB to Gold Coast for a week with family.
Figured it out. If I don't do anything, I cant get it wrong.
By the same token, I can't do it right either - but the recent track record suggested by FMA makes it appealing.
Sun 30 June ---
Whoopee Ramadan is back today. Already not eating much, time to step it down bit more.
Wed 18 June ---
11:45 Sad - I actually got dressed and put shoes on - so I could make a day trip out
-- to the garage. Oh well, it's better than staying in bed all day.
Wed 1 May ---
I realised that one reason I sit in bed all day - is to avoid heating the whole house. i.e. save money for FMA and the family. OTOH - there's nowhere to go, and no fun to be had if I went somewhere else anywhere.
Everything costs money. Everything.
Sat 17 May ---
to NEWS.COM.AU
No welfare, no job, no income, no assets. No nerves in hands or lower legs, prescriptions, doctor visits, no fuel, no fares, little food, walking and handling things is difficult. Car not running anyway - needs repairs. Lonely, depressed, optimistic - then you want that 'extra bit'. For some reason ineligible for support. Did I mention that we have two student children? Wife works two jobs - but that supports all of them - I can draw $500 a month from my super, eat leftovers 90% of the time. TV & sleep. No opportunities if you cant walk or work. Thanks Canberra
No welfare, no job, no income, no assets. No nerves in hands or lower legs, prescriptions, doctor visits, no fuel, no fares, little food, walking and handling things is difficult. Car not running anyway - needs repairs. Lonely, depressed, optimistic - then you want that 'extra bit'. For some reason ineligible for support. Did I mention that we have two student children? Wife works two jobs - but that supports all of them - I can draw $500 a month from my super, eat leftovers 90% of the time. TV & sleep. No opportunities if you cant walk or work. Thanks Canberra
Thu 15 May ---
0400 Got out of bed - tell AEC to go to to bed ready for exam! Made it, then 5 secs later went to reach for light switch - wooooozy. Stumbled back to bedroom door - held on for dear life, leaned against the wall for 15 secs, then wobbled back to bed. 5 mins later emptied my guts into a bucket. Back to sleep.
Wed 14 May ---
Federal Budget released. Nothing of any joy for us. Less food, doctor, petrol.
Wed 23 April ---
Not sure how to fix this.
I don't want to impede anyone else's opportunity - as they have every right to explore and develop their life in any way they want. The problem is that due to whatever circumstances, I don't seem to be receiving the same opportunity.
No means of support, health limitations, sustenance - nothing - simply watching life pass by. Literally waiting to die slowly.
It would be nice if I received calls or engagement - or even replies to correspondence, but that seems to be for others. If I could restore some healt or finance - perhaps I could get out to visit and develop some opportunity (not likely based on the last five years!)
Yesterday - ate a bowl of steamed rice and frozen vegies - that's all. Not good, but fairly typical.
Sat 19th April ---
I think I may have $500 coming out of the blue - some lost money? Anyway - I'm seriously considering putting it all on lotto/lottery to see what happens. I'm not losing anything that I didn't have yesterday, and have no other way of getting food to eat or live on etc.
Fri 5th April ---
Today received call back - re volunteering to engage with aged-care residents. Meet next week.
Thu 4 April ---
I think today, that I realised that if I'm going to engage in any conversation or activity with my partner that lasts longer than 5 minutes - I need to take a Valium. This may have saved many years of anxiety & hypertension.
Sun 30 Mar ---
I have an old gift card with $40 left on it, that would allow me to buy something to eat at Westfield, but I can't afford to get there !
Sat 29 Mar ---
Why does this seem normal? A couple of months ago, I was asked to register for a university/medical study into diabetes. Filled in the forms, with some follow up to come when the study begins.
Nothing. I'm not even good enough to be a guinea-pig?
My only time out of the house for a week have been to watch FMA cleaning a restaurant.
My only time out of the house for a week have been to watch FMA cleaning a restaurant.
Fri 21 March ---
I know nothing about anything, and have an an opinion about
everything.
So don’t ask unless you want a chat.
Wed 12 March ---
AEC 17th birthday. Too bad I can't offer anything.
Centrelink returned call today. Basically I'm completely and utterly ineligible for NewStart or Disability support - end of case unless I get a divorce, and move out of home... then I can reapply but still need to get physically and emtionally worse (impairment / employability). Thanks
Tue 11 March ---
Dropped in to Centrelink to query the rejection for DSP. No such thing as a person. The receptionist dialled a phone number for me - it rang and stepped through about three different music & message phases over ten minutes. That was helpful.
Evening: Had a very blunt two-way discussion with FMA about how we're on completely different pages, and obviously agreed that we don't understand each other's situation, needs, or expectations. It didn't end well. Let's see how it holds up tomorrow.
Three hours later: Why am I beating myself up for saying what I think. Now I feel guilty for putting it on the table, and FMA is out working with her friends in a black mood.
Sorry - I'm over it. Maybe I'm cruel, maybe I'm wrong - but I refuse to be responsible if other people's opinions are different than mine! This may not end well - but I've been sucking it in for too many years.
Evening: Had a very blunt two-way discussion with FMA about how we're on completely different pages, and obviously agreed that we don't understand each other's situation, needs, or expectations. It didn't end well. Let's see how it holds up tomorrow.
Three hours later: Why am I beating myself up for saying what I think. Now I feel guilty for putting it on the table, and FMA is out working with her friends in a black mood.
Sorry - I'm over it. Maybe I'm cruel, maybe I'm wrong - but I refuse to be responsible if other people's opinions are different than mine! This may not end well - but I've been sucking it in for too many years.
Mon 10 March ---
I'm perplexed that doctors and psychologists don't seem to be asking the right questions around depression and the ensuing/contributing medical conditions.
Most appointments are blood and DASS tests, or lighthearted conversation about what you're doing recently (nothing).
There needs to be more probing and exploration of the experiences and underlying causes - or does this make it too complicated for them ?
Sat 01 March ---
Received a nice letter today from Centrelink saying I’m ineligible for a disability payment because I have too many assets and income, and am capable of working. Same for New Start when I checked a couple of years ago.
<$10 in the bank, no job responses or income, eating average 1.3 meals a day for the last year plus, and emotionally & physically weak – while being unable to feel anything with my hands or feet.
Geez, I’d hate to be the guy that does qualify !
Well, at least I don’t have to fall any further! I’m kinda' getting used to this state of mind – and the anti-depressants help reduce the panic/anxiety !
Sometimes - I jump out of bed, and think 'Let's get on with something'... then realise I have no food, petrol, money, or health to sustain my rush of energy. I no longer receive replies to email or phone messages - so I'm alone except fr the kids, and they have their own lives and priorities.<$10 in the bank, no job responses or income, eating average 1.3 meals a day for the last year plus, and emotionally & physically weak – while being unable to feel anything with my hands or feet.
Geez, I’d hate to be the guy that does qualify !
Well, at least I don’t have to fall any further! I’m kinda' getting used to this state of mind – and the anti-depressants help reduce the panic/anxiety !
Mon 17 Feb ---
Absolutely nothing has happened since last week. Only left the house once on Friday to send AEC to work.
Thu 13 Feb ---
1500: Feeling really faint, decided to use last $$ to get a meal up the street - using half of remaining petrol !
Wed 12 Feb ---
Not having any company for 22 hours a day, eating average 1-1/2 meals, and sleeping or watching TV for 20+ hours per day is not right. It's no-one's fault but my own, I've tried reaching out, screaming for personal help - but by virtue of the above, I'm not visible so no-one can reach back to me.
My emails are ignored, I only talk to between 2-4 different people per month outside the house.
I can't afford food, medicine or transport to go/be anything. This is a shitty existence.
Sat 01 Feb ---
Quote of the day: "He has to learn to respect me." FMA about MADC
No mention of the word 'earn'.
No mention of the word 'earn'.
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Fri 31 Jan ---
Fixed a couple of minor laser problems.
Sun 26 Jan ---
Australia Day - Whoopee!
Everyone else is out.
Everyone else is out.
4m x 3m plus a toilet (and a TV if I'm lucky)
Prisoner in the house. No petrol, money or choices.
I feel like a valued member of society - I made a contribution to Australia today... I refolded the scrappy newspaper at the local fast-food joint. Please fete me loudly.
Prisoner in the house. No petrol, money or choices.
I feel like a valued member of society - I made a contribution to Australia today... I refolded the scrappy newspaper at the local fast-food joint. Please fete me loudly.
Sat 25 Jan ---
Fri 24 Jan ---
Thu 23 Jan ---
The same day I'm filling out an application for Disability Pension - the government announces they're going to restrict the access to it. I wonder where that's going to leave me.
Tue 21 Jan ---
Visit psych - ...
Fri 17 Jan ---
Had a minor dizzy/faint episode this morning after getting up and going to the toilet... stared tgo head toward the lounge - felt light-headed 2-secs later turned myself to fall back on to the corner of the bed. Settled for 10 secs, then cautiously got up and spent the rest of the day as normal.
Thu 16 Jan ---
Liberty A/C is suffering from cooling system problem - need to see Subaru.
Walked to mailbox,staggered and almost fainted on the way back to house (at 40C)
Tue 14 Jan ---
Hot day forecast. Need to stay cool and hydrated - if not fed !
Mon 13 Jan ---
If you ask for my opinion and don't like it - that's not my problem .
Sun 12 Jan ---
An interesting problem. I'd like to repair a couple of items I have here to make some food money, but I don't have any food or money to generate the interest or strength. I'm just depressed.
Sat 11 Jan ---
Collected Subaru from door repair. All good.Mum provided $20 for p[etrol so I could take AEC to work at Chaddy.
Fri 10 Jan ---
Off to HJ for Friday paper and Orange juice.
There are advantages living in a fantasy world... until reality comes and bites you on the ass.
leftover kiev lump - mmm.
There are advantages living in a fantasy world... until reality comes and bites you on the ass.
leftover kiev lump - mmm.
Thu 09 Jan ---
I have to find a way to eat - this is definitely not healthy.
A reason to go out would be nice too - but therein lies another problem. No means to get anywhere.
Mum made noodles for her friend coming over - two bowls later - mmmm.
Mum made chicken kiev - quite good.
Mum made noodles for her friend coming over - two bowls later - mmmm.
Mum made chicken kiev - quite good.
Wed 08 Jan ---
Three slices of bread and two pieces of roti with dhal
An apple
An apple
Tue 07 Jan ---
Managed to catch a head cold yesterday walking in the cold & rain (surprise!)
Laying low - a bit like every other day !
Three small bowls of fried rice
Three small bowls of fried rice
Mon 06 Jan ---
0830 took car to have door repaired
Looong walk home from Aristoc to Avalon Road via psych session.
Now I have a cold
Sun 05 Jan ---
Umm - nothing to report
Sat 04 Jan ---
Fri 03 Jan ---
Visited FGE and LX to greet the nice guys. Collected a couple of lights to look at.
Thu 02 Jan ---
Security & Significance - count zero + zero
On top of health and assets - count 20% and zero
On top of health and assets - count 20% and zero
Wed 01 Jan ---
Seems like yesterday.Let's hope this year gets better than the last five !
