March 12th
I'm so bored. I have been trying to stay occupied (to fend off negative thoughts), but without friends or the means to mingle, I get so depressed and lonely. Centrelink have been up to their usual tricks - delaying payments... but I expect that is the tip of the iceberg - I think they'll cut off my food allowance next month, so let's see what happens then!
Gas supply has failed today - called AGL, and they didn't know who our distributor was - so while they were on the phone - I looked it up (on their website!), and told them off for useless service.
I'm glad he's already got a job, because I certainly wouldn't hire him!
I sent this to the LETTERS column yesterday...
The rise and incidence of 'mental illness' in modern
society, has to prompt the question... Why?
How about considering the growth of objective,
template-driven community leadership in the last forty years.
Laws and rules are fine - for the greater
good, not only for ease of administration.
People are not robots that conform to a set of rules
because they're told to... Individuals need space to be - individual! Leadership exists for the community, not the
leaders themselves. A simple concept
that may solve a lot of social issues.
You know...
I'm not all that fussed any more about being 'liked'. but I still yearn to be involved in a conversation on a regular basis. This is one of the things that family and work would normally provide - and I don' have work, and the family seem pretty detached. My illness - some sort of 'attachment' disorder.
I'm not all that fussed any more about being 'liked'. but I still yearn to be involved in a conversation on a regular basis. This is one of the things that family and work would normally provide - and I don' have work, and the family seem pretty detached. My illness - some sort of 'attachment' disorder.
I'm not so unusually generous or sharing, but I realised far too late, that I usually defer to let others have their way - even if I disagree with their choice. it hasn't ended well.
I just went looking around the house to see who's home - no one.
The only phrase I can recall that AEC says occasionally, is 'Just stop talking'... and MADC - 'Close the door on your way out'...
FMA is different. She tells me (over and over and over...) how the kids aren't living up to her expectations of personal development, despite being popular and welcome everywhere exception at home... heart breaking.
I honestly can't remember anything engaging they've said to me - no wonder I hide in my room all day and night!
Maybe this is why no one talks to each other - fear of being challenged of taking sides, or criticised for having your own standards...
I finally think I have a handle on my woes... not a solution, but some understanding.
I mentioned last year that commitment isn't a problem, but I seem to lack 'attachment' relationships... i wa trying to figure out why, and when this started.
While I can fairly clearly tie it to around the time my mother died, I don't think it was directly related - simply a coincidence of being adolescent at the time.
What I'd clearly *not* recall, is having any carefree moments in my life. I don't exactly know what that means, but I wasn't 'carefree' nor were the people I had connections with. There was always a tension, sense of purpose, obligation... nothing ever happened because it just happened. Yet I know and gave watched others all my life that learned how to relax, and ignore the status-quo for their own enjoyment... I simply always wanted to be part of things and to belong... and failed miserably on both counts.
Next chapter?
I feel happiness for my kids and others success and achievements, but am not happy myself.
Maybe that saying is true... happiness is overrated?
Happy 'Good Friday'
Every public holiday should come with a free prescription for Valium and anti-depressants. Luckily I have both. Good day sir.
Many, many years ago, I consciously took it upon myself to stimulate myself and those around me me - by asking questions, or answering in a way that would make the other person think a little harder... that was a complete flop, as I didn't realise the general population are dumber, and less interesting than a sack of sand on a beach. All I achieved was to become isolated from being different.
What will I do very day when AEC doesn't need a lift? The only other stuff I do us eat and sleep.
I'd like to do more, but it seems nobody wants what I sell!
Am I still alive, or just going through the motions?
This is a terrible thing to say, but I think I've given up looking for a reason to live.
I know it's Easter, and long slow days, but I'm just not interested any more - in anything.
Not a hunger strike, but I don't care if I eat or not. Medication doesn't mean anything. I'm just waiting to die.
I try to initiate conversations or discussions that can add to, but am routinely ignored. No response if engagement ever. The idea is keep on trying until something comes through, but how long is long enough?
I reckon if you don't want to eat, can't walk properly, and live in a solitary existence long enough... it has to be a good indicator!
Oh well. I'll shut up and sit down again. My ideas aren't worth anything.
I'd like to laugh or smile sometimes. Perhaps to talk with someone as well.
Even the cat gave me the brushoff! She's slept in the middle of the hallway locked outside MADCs door, rather than on the bed with me!
I just realised that I'm coming up for 4 years so nice I had a life of any sort... Seven years since I had any dignity or self-confidence. Yay. Let's celebrate.
Eat, sleep.
