2015 Diary

CAUTION: This blog is about me - and my concerns / feelings.  If you're mentioned and don't like it - sorry, but that's not my issue at the moment.  I have tried to remover all absolute references to names, but those close to me will easily identify themselves.
That's the way it is.  

IT WILL OFFEND SOME READERS.  STOP NOW IF YOU AREN'T READY
SELF-PITY IS EXTREMELY CORROSIVE

It's not quite the way I wanted my life to progress, but hey, we can't have everything we want!  The part that's most frustrating is living every moment on quicksand.  Without resources, health or connections - every hour of every day is a minefield of confidence, money and emotion.  I just have to survive - and hope that I recognise an opportunity when it passes.

I should also explain that I have distinct characters that I try to portray outward.
1. This blog, which says whatever I want to record for posterity.
2. 80% of this which is desperately conveyed to medicos, but as below... they're primarily interested in treating symptoms... not causes.
3. Family - which have no awareness of this content AFAIK, as some is hurtful, and may be unnecessarily stressful to to daughter AEC.
4. A professional image which has all but collapsed: of being available, competent and willing to contribute.

Fri 31 Dec ---

Happy New Years Eve.

end of this thread. starting 2016 tomorrow.

Sat 26 Dec ---

FMA has arranged for her friend's ex-husband to stay in the house for an undefined period.  Ostensibly for a couple of weeks - partly while we go away for a trip to Sydney next week.

The near future looks interesting.

Fri 25 Dec ---

Bah Humbug!   Now a few days of intolerable boredom,

I'm not very good at hiding my emotions any longer.

Thu 24 Dec ---

Politicians and public servants are great at 'doing their job', too bad they can't think at the same time.

I purchased an RGB LED matrix - to develop / prototype a solution for FGE's dance floor problems (They have been vaguely interested in doing something for more than a year).  But without any certainty or even a plan or agreement in place, I'm just disinterested in starting work on software to run the tiles... it may never happen, or it may end up costing me time or money for no benefit other than using up my time.

Sure I need to be occupied, but how does it always seem that I do the work, and someone else gets the reward?

Tue 22 Dec ---

My mistake.

Once again I trusted and relied on others.

Media reports a few days ago - had the fuel price forecast under $1.10/litre through Christmas.  it was 1.97 - 1.11 this morning... the price cycle usually flips on Froday, but perhaps this week it would run through new year...

Hah!  I had run my tank down, planning to fill later today or tomorrow. No luck.  Price jumped by 25% in a matter of hours.  No Christmas drive outings for me this year.

I should know, but you honestly can't trust 'anyone' nowadays.

I have shared with MADC to get decent gifts for AEC and FMA -- about $170 each in total.

Now I gave to think of something good for MADC...,

Replaced plate light bulbs and stop/tail bulb... Also spotted what could be exhaust gas in car coolant... very small, not sure yet. Maybe another engine in 50,000km - I hope not.

Fictional characters  I can identify with...

Dr Sheldon Cooper & Dr Leonard Hofstatter - The Big Bang Theory

Detective Bobby Goren - Law and Order Criminal Intent

Socially awkward, good at what they do, but invisible to the Jan on the street.  Sometimes lucky, but typically living in the current situation, with no forward planned Ng.

Mon 21 Dec ---

I only consume things that I have earned, or can pay for. In my small, stubborn world - There is no such thing as entitlement.This means that no matter how low I fall - I have an idea of whether I can survive or not.

Sat 19 Dec ---

You know... my current reality is that I'm living on welfare in someone else's house, waiting to die of natural causes so the family can receive my insurance.  Merry Christmas.

Tue 15 Dec ---

unless my outlook changes, I look at the family's situation as - they aren't losing a father, husband, brother... but rather, gaining a bedroom with WIR and bathroom.  My presence has no impact on anyone, and I do occupy a bedroom. So the balance is easy to manage.

Wed 9 Dec ---

09:30 Went to Eye & Ear hospital.  Dilation drops, scanned eyes - then 12:10 unable to stay as parking was about to hit $77.00 !  Pointless - unless there are secret elves that eat the data they record !

Now, if bus stops had small bench seats, I could have made the trip for $5 with sore legs and a bit of anxiety...

Tue 8 Dec ---

23:45 Am I so self-absorbed that I can't see what's in front of me?

In my mind, I reach out, engage and try to be accessible within my health and financial limitations... but get no encouragement to put more effort after wasted effort.

I can barely walk some times, and my tendons are so tight that it's often painful just to lay in bed.

I realise that I've distanced myself from the kids, as I conxscioudont want to slow them down IR obstruct their growth and opportunities... but I had hoped they might yampa thus or give me a kick every now and then... but all get mist times is asked to help them (which us fine), or ignored/ told to 'just stop talking'.  So I guess that's it.

Mon 7 Dec ---

Just to let you know, I'm still here!

Fri 4 Dec ---

My existence means a little bit less every day.

Sun 29 Nov ---

I wonder if I'd developed better peer social skills - how much of my life would be different?

Parties, dancing, drinking - what does it take? What should I have done differently?

Tue 24 Nov ---

No outlook or expectations in life.

#NFUTS - no further use to sociery

#WTD - waiting to die

What surprises me, is that it isn't very hard to write the above - at all.

I genuine nelly don't have any practical or viable means to contribute to society, or to get help for my situation, so it seems better to step aside and let someone else 'gave a go', as that seems to be what the world is all about nowadays.

Financially, just enough to eat and move around minimally.

No rent, or other living creatures sets.

Afraid to invest in the future, as the present is too fragile.

Physically weak, and lacking confidence after forty years of being 'able' in very specialised, skilled activities.

I'd like to have friends, but they all work and have families to engage with. it would be improper of me to force myself into their spare time - and there aren't many people anyway (nobody replies to my greetings and birthday wishes anyway!

My family don't appear to see my problems, which is OK on some levels, as I'd like them to get the mist from their opportunities like I did... without me dragging them down.

I don't want to be rewarded for no effort, but I'd like an opportunity to earn!

Mon 23 Nov ---

I acknowledge that I'm not the savviest in business/commercial matters - but I really missed a strong indicator of Dragan's personality when we were first starting MP...  At our first trade show in Las Vegas - we went to the hotel buffet, and while I took what I expected to eat on two passes of the smorgasbord... Dragan loaded his (multiple) plates to overflowing each time, then ate about 20% from each plate before pushin them aside, and going back for another overflowing plateful.  Eating only what he wanted - regardless of the waste or others around him.   A harbinger of how he has run MP since. My mistake, buit it also explains why MP has remained around the same size several years after my 'departure'.... I have new ideas for the MP team but the last person I'd help is DD with his voracious self-satisfying appetite.

13:00 - my plumbing still hurts, but a couple of productive trips to the poopatorium may help relieve the pressure.

SECURITY - SIGNIFICANCE - and HEALTH

Three Strikes

Important concept: Kids need reinforcement of their validity after puberty, before striking out on their own- or they finish up like me.

Sun 22 Nov ---

Drove out to watch model planes, but backed out feeling irrelevant.

Abdominal pain for second full day. A almost unbearable.

it seems to be 'air', and I has moved a bit from kidney area to front-lower left.  I took a couple of de-gas tablets... getting a few small both burps... maybe the end is nigh!  hope so, whichever way it goes.

Casual dinner at Persian restaurant for MADC birthday. I really didn't add anything to the event.

Sat 21 Nov --

For one Ro take better care of themselves, they need a goal, or some chance of reaching one.  Recent history tells me that I don't have that luxury any more.

I had some good opportunities, ran with them, but they just didn't pan out for me, so there's nothing left to share or leave behind.  There's insurance on my AMP super account, but I'm sure that will magically disappear before the beneficiaries see it.  Sorry kids.

Thu 19 Nov ---

I suppose I shouldn't be worried about what goes in my opituary or epitaph!

No one knows me, nor has allowed me into their sphere for a decade, so I guess any references o a legacy will end in 2007/8 with MP.  That's not too bad, as it was the last thing I did of any mention. Everything since then has been treading water.

Status: 

Emotional life has been non existent since about 2004. Small blips if excitement constrained by sense of responsibility.

Professional: Dead since 2007 when DD stole MP - my planned escape package

Physical: Steadily declining since around 2008.  Hands, legs, outlook. 

Looking a bit bleak now.

For the last ten years, getting worse as I become less active... pretty consistent for the last five... virtually any exertion causes a lot if sweating, physical weakness, shortness of breath and some dizziness depending on ambient temperature and prevailing blood sugar.  This makes it hard to assess my boundaries when combined with general inactivity, neuropathy and isolation.  c'est la Vie!

I get and read a lot of traffic about 'family'...  This is pretty irrelevant, as the kids are quite independent, FMA and I have been at arms length for years.  I have to rely on myself, while ensuring that I don't cast any additional burden on my extended family.  My life issues seems to be my fault, it's unfair to expect anyone else to carry me.  I don't feel like there's a lot of love coming at me, and my attempts to reach out are usually ignored, so I guess that's what I'm dealing with.

18:00 went to RMIT cocktail exhibition for MADC graduating class... For forty years straight, I've felt completely out of place at any social gathering. 

Tonight no exception!
Health doesn't help... but is it anxiety or more complex?
I'm hot, faint and weak from diabetic side fx.    Just feel like I'm worthless in any gathering. Same exact feeling since I was 20yo!

Wed 18 Nov ---

Why would I bother getting up each day?  Literally nobody to talk to, I seem to exist on a different planet.No means to do anything more than eat.  Please, someone give me a reason.

I was watching Dragons Den on Tv, and frustrated that I couldn't find a critical investor/partner for the SWARM anti theft technology... sigh (again)

17:00 went to the bakery for a sugar hit.  Just sad n bored!  Slept it off for an hour.

I received an email from TAFE today (it seems they don't get my messages), but they still have no grasp of the course or offers they have made previously.  I think I blame it a poor computer system, but who knows if they don't respond to my enquiriee!

Tue 17 Nov ---

I've reached a critical point, where I'm not interested in participating in anything unless I'm welcome. 

 I don't have the means to join in, if I'm just going to be a paying observer / shag on a rock.

I already have enough trouble keeping my pride intact.. paying out of my meagre existence budget, to feel less... doesn't seem to be clever!

04:00 Why isn't there a resource for advice or support?  A simple conversation.  I haven't found a channel where I can discuss all the issues in this blog.  Neurologists, family, employment and everything else...  What happens if I don't die 'quickly'... I don't want to burden anyone else, I'm not looking forward to it, and I doubt family would be able/interested anyway!

12:50 - went to see The Martian... scenery/sets/CGI were perfect... Depiction of technology 80%, storyline / viability 80%... Matt Damon - character immersion flawless as always.  Other cast excellent.  Ridley Scott (direction) so much attention to detail - as always!
(Concession holder on Cheap Tuesday = $13 - on gift card -- yaay!)(

Mon 16 Nov ---

02:00 I want to be part of something that rewards or stimulates me in some way that I want to keep going.  I haven't had that feeling for a long time.

Sun 15 Nov ---

Today's realisation.  I serve no purpose on this planet than to move money from the government to businesses. Petrol, pharmacy, takeaway etc. Not much else, and I don't even to keep some!

Pharmacy to collect prescriptions.  Sometimes I wonder why.

Picked up AEC from work at six.

I suppose that's the end if the day, when she and GFs left around seven without a word

FMA cane home from m somewhere around 8 pm, I went to ask how the day was, but was told it wouldn't mean anything to me.

Lonely now.

Sat 14 Nov ---

08:30 I decided to drive 200km to Maffra... .I asked the kids (yesterday), they were interested, but busy.

The event was a Hillclimb meeting --- good fun!.  I stayed about 2+ hours, watched a few go around and chatted with haf a dozen members.  It would be terrific fun for the kids, and they accept ages from 12 up, and you can drive anything with a helmet and a CAMS club licence.   Quite a few teenage / P-plater girls as well!

The people are well organised but very relaxed.  Country style.  Enjoyable.  Arrived back home at 5pm, while the event runs unti about 8.30 under lights.

Fri 13 Nov ---

Apart from being Friday the 13th, it would be nice if I could get doctors (or anyone) to work with me to identify my problems and possible solution.  So far, Medicare and I have been paying for a couple of years, only to setup another appointment every 2-3months...  It seems like I'm keeping them all employed for no effective outcome.  Well I guess that's capitalism.

thu 12 Nov ---

At what point shoul I give up my pride and that of those around me?

If you've been following this story, you know that I've been in a state of 'waiting to die' for a couple of years.  But if I was to monetise that - e,g. a webcam and/or live chat, it would reveal my position... cancel my government money, and embarrass the family.  I was raised to protect those values at my own expense, so I guess that has answered the question... Everyone else gets the benefit of my life - except me!

So here we are back at the starting point #NFUTS - no further use to society. #WTD

21:00 I wish I could afford to live alone.  tonight's another home alone, which is fine in itself, but I have no advance warning, and no benefit - as I live in one room without any real access to the mess left behind by everyone else in the lounge, kitchen, etc.

Of course the best outcome I could hope for is a life, and family that share values - but I think that boat sailed a while ago.  I'm proud of the kids and how they have become adults, but not the way they treat me/us.

Tue 10 Nov ---

I watch documentaries, news stories - and see people that outwardly appear like me, living a normal, productive life.  Their children talk to them, and work with them to create varying levels of harmony... a life.

 I imagine people reply to their calls and messages. I have skills, and a midrange personality. Why have these opportunities been taken away from me, or is there something I missed in the 'being forgiven' classes?

Am I that toxic? or did I miss the lesson for some other element of my personality that has made me persona non gratis...?

Mon 9 Nov ---

I've coined a new word to remind myself of an important part of my life.

I have no clear opportunities or anyone that is interested in sharing what's left of it, but I must pay attention to V-TIME... vertical time(!) those hours I spend other than Horizontal laying in bed.

Sat 7 Nov --

Why I have a clock in my room...

Knowing the time a tv show starts

Getting to sleep before sunrise

Taking medication

Watching time pass by.

Fri 6 Nov ---

I spotted this yesterday...

An interesting article.... on autistic tendencies among men with leanings like mine...

https://apple.news/ACWs1P71QQQ6cKUcsgiVRww

and the academic paper behind it...

http://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/

Thu 5 Nov ---

Strange thing is, the most dominant thing in my conscious senses the last few days - is AEC telling me to "Just stop talking" on Sunday evening...

I had made the effort to crawl out of my space to sit with 'the family', and was put in my place.  Fair enough, I must have deserved it.

09:30 Visiting diabetes clinic - why am I here, who am I helping (other than the very expensive parking)?  Food budget for today is gone, and I haven't eaten yet!

I don't think there are any words that can express my total sense of frustration and uselessness.  

Why is fun? When does it start?

After sleeping it off for a couple of hours, why do I feel less than I did when I started thed at?

Clinic, score 3/10. Home, score 2/10 -- it isn't getting better.

An interesting article.... on autistic tendencies among men with leanings like mine...

https://apple.news/ACWs1P71QQQ6cKUcsgiVRww

and the academic paper behind it...

http://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/

Wed 4 Nov  ---

LOL even the kitten doesn't want to be with me!  I tried bringing in to my room (nobody else home), and it scrambled back to AECs room!,

Mon 2 Nov ---

FMA is cooking. I can't breathe again, so it looks like a day out!

She brought some campers home last night... they're house-less for a few days until they fly overseas later in the week.

I'm disappointed that I only have conversations with myself, as I'd like someone to convince me that my two current mantras are invalid... but no-one seems interested in setting me on a different course!..

#NFUTS - no further use to society, and #WTD - waiting to die.  At least I gave a goal to keep me occupied each day... to think of another #TAG!

23:30... I hate it when I'm going to bed, and don't want to wake up. That can't be good or normal, but I can't find anyone that is interested, or able to help.  So I guess that's the way it is.

Sun 01 Nov ---

Life in its many forms keeps on rolling along!

22:00 I just finished The Second Best Marigold Hotel... and realise that my life journey us as good as over, and I pissed most if it away.  Just waiting for the bell to ring now.

I don't know what I did wrong, or what I'd change - but I must have missed a few lessons along the way.

The only thing I ever had self-confidence in was my early-mid career, and that went off the rails somewhere, for some reason.

Sat 31 Oct ---

I'm still here. A bit discouraged, but still here. Life goes on

AEC picked up her burmese kitten today.  Seems like it's been accepted by the household.

Tue 27 Oct ---

FYI -being lonely doesn't get easier as it lasts longer.

An unexpected side effect of not having any friends or social life, is never laughing or sharing.

I can't remember the last time I aughed out loud or smiled like normal people.

Sun 25 Oct ---

3x family went to dinner...I was asked, but I don't think they understand yet - that if I can't afford to do it myself, or reciprocate the favour... it makes me very uncomfortable accepting the offer. Especially when I'm already living under their roof as a bludger,  Sad, but that's how I feel.  I'd like to work and be independent, but it seems far away.

Sat 24 October

Let's just call it how it is... The evidence strongly points to my having a personality disorder, but it seems I can't get help for that.  I'd like to work at almost anything, but I don't seem to be able to sustain a conversation beyond current affairs. Financially, I live from months to month - literally. If the status quo changes, I have no idea what options I have.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone I know - so the paths are quite limited.

Wed 21 Oct---

I have learned that I should not join in conversation at all, ever!  Recently, I complimented a friend of AEC that I'd heard that she was great at parking... but I was criticised later that I embarrassed AEC' because of what I didn't say.  I'm out.

So now I understand that it's better to say nothing at all than to say something complimentary.  oh how things gave changed.  sigh.

Tue 20 Oct ---

Exciting day.

I had a coffee and pie, then spent two hours at U3A.

it's a good thing I'm not motivated to do more...

(no updates from m TAFE since they sent me (and I replied about) the wrong registration details for someone else, for the wrong course!)

20:00 went to FP Bayswater for pasta.  New owners, much better run. Still managed by Jad.

Mon 19 Oct ---

I'm occasionally asked to do something or a favour for others.  But never asked if they can do something for me.  I understand that, but I'm not the kind to ask a favour if I am unlikely to repay it - yet it seems ok for others. sigh

The problem is I don't do anything of it nsequence every day, and today, I messed up an arrangement I made with AEC, but two hours later, I'm still kicking myself.

Sun 18 Oct ---

Not much happening.

I went to watch VARMS flying on Saturday... then FMA had a 21 birthday, where I had to follow for her 'obligation'... so I sat outside in the car for 90 minutes, as I couldn't add anything to do the party.

Then drove AEC home, while FMA forgot her keys, so I had to go back to the place at 5am, so she could get her Dar... sigh.

Wed 14 Oct---

U3A as usual.

I'm mentally competent. Physically able in a limited way, but unable to even get a reply from opportunities that I pitch or respond to,  I really am invisible in the 21st century!

Not a living soul will miss me when I'm gone. That doesn't make me feel all that great.

(p.s. the worst tv show to watch when you're feeling melancholy is definitely - The Gilmore Girls !)

Maybe I just believed in myself too much... should I have expected others to have feted me? Then I'd know if I was failing before it became a problem...?

Tue 13 Oct ---

Highvale - all good.

Not much else on the horizon

Paid the water bill - yay!

I see families hugging, talking, kissing, sharing in movies - how did I fuck it up so badly? Tears.

I have no excuse to be a failure. I've had great opportunities ties around me, and given my best, but have managed to squeeze the last bit of disaster from them while giving the good bits to others.  Well, that's how it looks, because all the people I've been involved with are doing a hell of a lot better than I am.  I don't even have my family acknowledging the situation... how low can you go?

Mon 12 Oct ---

03:00 I'm trying to figure out what I'm staying around for... I can't afford to support myself, let alone the family. From what I can tell, I mean almost nothing to them unless they want something - which is fair enough, as I've been trying to make them independent of me for 'when I'm gone'... but that leaves me in a very peculiar place where I have no value to anyone - including myself!.  When the end does come, from whatever direction, I'm just be an inconvenience to those I love, lived, or wanted to love. 

Sun 11 Oct ---

03:00 Just bored. going over things in my mind. no answers.

Three motel chains never responded to my enquiry last month.... so I must still be invisible.

Still thinking about visiting Jen, but worried that I'll end up landing there, and become a burden to her - better not.

Life has no meaning than to wait for next Centrelink or pension payment.  Physically and mentally unable to commit (or even get into conversation) to look for new opportunities.... I forgot to mention that TAFE actually misplaced my course interest, and the diploma which I was interviewed for - was not the course that was intended (but it was interesting)... now waiting to start the cycle again, but beginning to doubt myself again - who wants me anyway?  I'll be dead before anything happens. I hate living in this web of laziness and incompetence that surrounds society today.

Sat 10 Oct ---

Drove AEC to Bunnings and Kmart - whoopee

Electrician came over to fix kitchen light.

Fri 9 Oct ---

Carpenter came to fix front screen door.

Drive: Healesville, Warburton, Gembrook - home. Nice 250km escape.

Thu 8 Oct ---

03:00 I try so hard to join, engage, be relevant, share or contribute - but it always falls over, and ends up costing me time or money without developing any forward movement.  The story of my life.

It seems that my only purpose in life is to stay alive for the opportunity to waste more of my life - which seems self-defeating.  With very limited health and finance, this is very discouraging when it happens every time, every day with every encounter.

Not much else...

Wed 7 Oct ---

U3A days

Spent a couple of hours at one members house to fix minor setup problems

Tue 6 Oct ---

Mon 5 Oct ---

Sun 4 Oct ---

FMA has asked if we'll go to her friends 21 birthday in a couple of weeks... I feel reluctant, as I was unable to do anything for MADCs 18th or 21st...

That led me to think that while my life was close family up until my teens, but very limited friendships because of travel as a kid, our children have a different challenge.... continuity of friends over happy family.  I think friends are probably more important, as they'll be there when you parents are long gone!

Sat 3 Oct ---

First hot day forecast - 30C...  I'll look into cleaning up the portable air conditioners

Went out for a drive, put the car through a $10 car wash... pretty average, but cleaner than when it started!

19:00 went out to get some food, but I've earned too much, and no fun feeling sick after eating alone - so I went home after 15 minutes driving around (don't waste petrol!). bored again!

Fri 2 Oct ---

A public holiday for something... I want to get out, but it's odd that when you have just enough to eat, that you want to do something else... but no means or people to do it with.

Thu 1 Oct ---

Wed 30 Sep ---

I have to do something! So I registered for the IT/Networking Diploma at TAFE.

I think I can push through it, and look forward to getting my teeth into the cotent.

Tue 29 Sep ---

no sign of a response from Dr AS or psych - re PATS discussion.

I'm happy to have a proposed name for what I am (hyperthymic), but it would help if I knew how to use iris retrain it.  I'm not optimistic they'll get back after my last couple of approaches.  Heck, they're in business, therapy is a consequence of their business, not the reason for it.

I've almost decided NOT to enrol for the programming diploma or degree, simply because I have established pretty clearly that I have no audience - even if I was to rewrite my older projects, and as a limited ability 59 year old, I can't see the queue forming to hire me!

What I might do today, is go paddle around in the local swimming centre - alone.

12 noon, received a call friends m IT Diploma for a meet up tomorrow. Why not, I've got nothing better to do!

Mon 28 Sep ---

23:00 reflecting on what I might do to have some friends.  I realised today that I had no reply from two other 'professional' contacts I tried to make in the last few weeks.. that made me think about family, and I'm still in the situations that for a friendship to exist, you both have to bring something to the table - that's where I'm stuck!  All I can bring is dependency o n the other person... sigh

One other contacts were wishing them Happy Birthday- without a response...?

Sun 27 Sep ---

04:30 wake up to disturbing but not frightening dream.. from him that rarely dreams.

AEC asked me to collect boots for her from Doncaster - all good.

For 40-odd years, I was ok with the idea that I wasn't socially adept, but was happy that I was competent and successful in my echnical & career endeavours, but now that's gone, where should I look?

21:45 just so you know, I wouldn't know what day it is unless I kept this blog! so it serves more than one purpose...!

Sat 26 Sep ---

Driving lesson with AEC up the mountain and brunch. Nice

Fri 25 Sep ---

08:45 just about to get up and out... FMA arrives back from work?!  Bugger, ill have to sneak around to avoid the inquisition.

Thu 24 Sep ---

Sure, I could go visit / bother people - but they have jobs and stuff to do... I'm just bored. No reason to inflict myself on them, even if I have the car now running!

Wed 23 Sep ---

Took FMA car for 245k service. All done.

Went for evening driving lesson with AEC

Tue 22 Sep --

Visit podiatrist - all ok

Mon 21 Sep--

Not much today

Sun 20 Sep ---

I honestly can't express how much relief it has been - being able to move around in the car!

Something I have noticed about my legs, is that the longer I have shes on for lateral support, the more steady my walking becomes.  Possibly over time, I'll get a bit more strength, and walking further will come back.    Muscle/Nerve pain is still there at the beginning, but it is usually quite bearable after 15-30 minutes

Sat 19 Sep ---

Had a driving lesson with AEC, which culminated in a really nice late lunch, chatting for an hour at Tyabb. She's so frustrating, yet I have to admit from conversation, that she's still holding very strong personal values... the problem for her is they aren't FMAs values.

Fri 18 Sep ---

Thu 17 Sep ---

Anticipation of getting my car back has to be tempered with caution.  It's so tempting to jump in and escape, but reality says that once I leave the house, there is no support for any aspect of accommodation or food. Leaving behind those things that were once important is hard with the knowledge I can't take a step back.

15:00 took the car for a 100km drive to Yarra Glen, it was wonderful to have that freedom after being video nailed to quarters for so long..., but reminded me that I need to plan a fuel budget before any long trip. Engine ran perfectly - if possible, and it was even better than the original new motor!

Wed 16 Sep ---

Surprisingly AEC tapped on my door to let me know she was going to work - nice.

I didn't even know she had been home. 

What are our basic rights or entitlements as human beings?  I need to think about that, as it works two ways - with those around us.

09:30 Call from Jen - welcome voice.

11:00 amazing news. The workshop called with an update that new engine is in and being road tested with flying colours so far!  Maybe later today!?!

14:00 the car is ready, but we're going to hold till tomorrow in order to replace an extra tensioner just for completeness.  Apparently it runs really well - better than expected.

17:00 Te to make a decision...  I received a text from TAFE for their open day tomorrow.  Do I want to study IT/dev, with no realisticic potential of a future in that field... just to satisfy my ego, or walk away, and start a new life of exploration and happiness away from FMA?  Big question.

As it stands, I feel like I'm NFUTS,and have nothing to lose. (.No Further Use To Society)

There's a difficult line to identify between NFUTS and NFUTF...  At what point do I become a burden that is limiting the potential of the family?  I think I'm already past that point, but actively trying to reduce my dependence.  If I'm out of the way (not like that!), then those remaining obligations by the kids and FMA disappear, and they can thrive without worrying about my needs. 

Tue 15 Sep ---

These situations make me feel like a waste of space in my own mind - which is unusual, as I only give that honour to being 'invisible' to those outside the family... now it's my own children as well.  I have a serious problem, and so far nobody I've approached wants to help me address it...?

I think I've reached the point of no return today.  AEC has shown enormous disrespect, MADC has shown indifference for a long time - both have greater respect for their BF/GF families than for us.  My next move is into the car, on a very tight roving budget. Contact will be when I feel like it... I haveve to repair myself before I try to support anyone else.

I've never really 'wanted' to change the world - of course I'd like to!...

But I would really have like to be a part of it.

Mon 14 Sep ---

I can't marine how seriously disabled people survive. Currently, as you know - I gave no income, care or transport and it would be a matter of weeks before I Simply died!  Luckily I get my car back in a week is so, and as long as I can find food until then - you won't see the back of me. 

I just read a news article about weddings, and realised that I've only ever been to one wedding- back when I was about 28. That's it.  Good way to save money, but says something about my social profile!

There's something wrong with me.  The only social engagement I have is once-off, consciously sought out - and usually paid for in some way.  I'd love to be a part of something that shares both ways.  

14:00 the public bus system is in woeful condition. uncomfortable, noisy, no seating at bus stops etc. To. their credit, they seemed to run on time.  One odd observation is that buses with the same route number - at the same time - at the same stop... going to different places!  (R754 at Wheelers Hill SC!)

Myki works most of the time as far as I can tell. The very slow readers beep (usually), but don't show anything meaningful if you're over 5'6" tall!  It would be a difficult conversation with an inspector as the reader is not always confirming, and there is pressure to 'move in' if there's a queue of people...

23:00 i keep looking for signs of respect and family responsibility... I think I'm fooling myself.  Today, I put bins out on the driveway for others to top off, and move out to the street (like every other week). Nothing happens until I did it myself, like every week. There are so many examples of me trying to do the right thing by others (family included), but there doesn't seem to be any reciprocation.  my bad.

Father us meant to bend over backwards, but to not see, or even hear back when favours are done from adult kids is a bit much.

Sun 13 Sep ---

I haven't been out of my room for a while , FMA is in da house, and I don't need her lectures and criticism.  but I do need to eat - I'll need to figure something out soon before I faint!

Apparently she's having lunch guests over - uh oh!

Snuck out to the kitchen to reheat yesterday's leftovers ver pizza - yumm.

Then had a shower, but still weak as. a leaf, shaking and barely able to stand and function ... but it's. a lot better being clean!

Sat 12 Sep ---

Coughing deep like crazy!  So weak, I can barely crawl out of bed or stand up.

Anyway, I listed the old Subaru engine on eBay so with luck that will pay for half the replacement...

09:30 I'm reluctant to go into the house, for fear of being lectured/judged by FMA - but I need to heat up some frozen food...!  All I have is a small tin of salmon with tomato & chili... breakfast anyone?

I'm really starting to like the idea of 25K per Day.  Reality tells me there is no point rewriting F3/Diversiti, and the family & my life are otherwise in a shitty place on all levels. 

I just want to live peacefully and explore regional Australia on a shoestring budget.  luckily I have rest & recovery stops in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane.

Fri 11 Sep ---

Raw throat is still bugging me with green phlegm... will go to local chemist first chance.

FMA actually stayed here overnight!  I do don't see her, but I was staying low and warm with my froggy  throat.

Started researching the idea of living on the road, with corporate motel rates, and some couch surfing. it just may be viable if the car keeps running.

11:00 walked to pharmacy, then waited for bus... ( did you know they no longer provide seats at bus stops! I was Weak, unable to stand from floor faint etc, ended up sitting in the gutter and rolled ,ypself upright before the bus came - thanks PTV )

Don't remember much until 17:00 -  when I heard FMA say she was going out again.

Thu 10 Sep ---

No single part of feels like it is working today.

Cough, weak, no food, no interaction, headache... Seriously felt like I might die with 'asthma breath' !

Sent $1200 to workshop, so they have funds to continue on the car...  should be almost total amount.

Wed 09 Sep ---

Good morning

10:20... a bit bored without the car to drivers even 5km !!

How did I get to this point?
FMA is staying out at someone else's house... reason is hers to resolve or address.  Kids have grown out of home, and are never here - expected but they don't seem to respect their mother or me.
Broke (and unable to pay rent if FMA doesn't come back into the equation).    Health is really awful - specifically hands and legs.   Employment or self-improvement seems like an impossibility - regardless of who I approach or talk to.  Not looking good in the shprt-mid term.

There's a lot of shit that you don't want to discuss or pass on to your kids, so that means (with the lack of anyone else) you have to carefully balance your partner's fears with your own need to talk.  Sadly after several years, FMA still doesn't understand that most days, I have to think of a reason that I want to keep going - and thankfully have succeeded thus far.   I have no desire to 'off myself', but with so little support from the world around me - it becoems a game each day to invent a reason to try something new.

19:30 no car at all, is like no money at all!   hungry, and unable to get out.

Tue 08 Sep ---

Boring morning...

Afternoon - lots of buses and walking to get to Telstra meeting in Clayton.  Presentation went quite well, nothing conclusive - fingers crossed for some ideas or forward movement.

Riding the bus is treacherously with my legs !  If I'm not quite seated, originally the bus is stopping when I'm trying to stand - I'm very unstable.  Hands only offer a little help, as youth ave to stand before you can't reach the grab bars.

Mon 07 Sep ---

Podiatrist appointment was rescheduled for a couple of weeks - at least it got me out of bed early!

09:00 dropped car to FTG for engine swap.

Bussed back to pharmacy for prescriptions, then back home at 11:30

It seems like something hasn't been well thought out here...

FMA is choosing to stay at friends' houses, but MUST pay rent for this property, as I don't get enough to eat and live.  The kids are still not paying rent, but that is almost irrelevant, because FMA wants the house with a large lounge and study to handle her social and work commitments.

Tentatively, one solution I can see when I get my car back - is to leave.  Then the status quo returns to normal, but I'll need to find somewhere very low cost to stay within my budget of almost no money.
19:00 I have the shivers (again!) -- probably anxiety in anticipation of seeing Telstra tomorrow about F3

Sun 06 Sep ---

04:30 Maybe someone will explain to me why I should be happy, and looking forward to each day.  it seems to me that all I'm looking forward to is a (very small and unlikely) chance that I will have  to look forward to... some undetermined time in the future.  High risk, small reward.

I recognise that it's probably my own fault, but does anyoneelse know what it feels like to wake up every day, with no-one else around or to talk to, and being unable to get out easily to reach any possible 'company'?   My best friends are the supermarket cashiers, 

mcDonalds & Subway staff, and half dozen elderly people in a retirement village that sometimes forget my name...  At least I'm not lonely any more.

19:00 MADC was kind enough to suggest having dinner together when he arrived back from Sandown...   he doesn't need to, but effort appreciated. No-one else here, so I let him off the hook.

21:00 still no sign of FMA RETURNING...

Sat 05 Sep---

00:15 I really must be a cold-hearted bastard, as I'm only interested in surviving.  The kids are smart enough and well equipped to handle the basics of life, FMA is herself, and possibly not what I expected, but in all honesty, I don't have the resources or stamina to fix her problems as well as my own.  I have two very simple options (A) survival, or (B) to give up right now.  I'll choose (A) for now at any cost. Selfish or not is not my problem any more.

My track record isn't too good, with LMg/d/C and the two girls (KFC & SJC), and now the current situation.  I should stay away from other people, and stick to machines - as I correctly identified all those years ago.  That went well.

I wonder what the epitaph on my headstone will be...   
It won't be complimentary, at least not in an obvious way!

12:00 MADC tells me that FMA 'feels like she isn't appreciated'. Same as last week, no progress.

I'm an idiot... I could have stepped away a year ago or more, but felt it better to keep the family together as a unit through the end of school and other factors, albeit a dysfunctional unit.  Once again I was wrong, and I'm the fall guy.

FMA finally responded to my contacts - expressing that she's is embarrassed how she is handling the family situation.  Of course I understand, and told her that her frustration is understandable...

I don't expect her to understand my complete frustration and helplessness, but it means there is some two-way dialog which is a good thing.

Fri 04 Sep ---

I feel like designing, creating, making something - but lack motivation, as plenty of experience tells me that nobody wants to even see my stuff, let alone evaluate or discuss it!

23:45 The way things are sitting right now, I should start looking for a 1-bedroom unit (although I'm a long way short of being able to afford anything like that!). No-one is home, or planning to sleep here.  I'm sure I could do something to contribute to a solution, but I must be really stupid, because I've tried a few things and they haven't worked up to now.   I should just sit down, shut up, and roll over and get out if the way.

Thu 03 Sep ---

04:00 no sign of FMA, despite several messages and invitations between family members. 

 i know she has a legitimate gripe, but stamping your feet, and hiding us not a solution.

We all have needs, but it seems hers need to be discussed first.  Not creating a good look in my opinion.  The kids should from not up, and present their concerns, but I believe they're afraid to do so in anticipation of the backlash.  Neither are at home tonight - for flimsy, but outwardly valid reasons. 

14:00 No noises from FMA to me, but she's asked MADC to grind her pills, which I dropped at her work office.

15:00 Ordered a second-hand engine for my car, it should be in Melbourne early next week, and in the car a week later... Freedom! at last.

FMA appears to be staying nights with Syed and Fiz in High Strre Road...

Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles -- exactly me at the same age (and forever since)!

Wed 02 Sep ---

06:30 life is coming into focus...

if FMA decides to,pulling the pin, I respect her choice to meke that decision, but th rest of us are in a sticky place.

No house, no means to pay rent, no car... Even if the kids were ok, and i could fix the car, I'd have nowhere to sleep after stuffing essentials in the back if the wagon.  My mess, I gave to solve it for the kids first, then myself.  Stay tuned.  Luckily winter is ending.

Tue 01 Sep ---

We're heading into uncharted territory today.  FMA still hasn't put together any understanding of why I (and possibly the kids) don't participate in the home life she styles, and we are expected to live within. 

While I think we acknowledge FMAs desire to live her life the way she wants, sadly she doesn't recognise the reverse situation, which (in my estimation) forces 'us' to withdraw into our own corners, and let her 'do what she wants' to the detriment of all the relationships. 

This is now at a critical juncture, and I have no idea how, or when it will play out.

17:30 it seems FMA is not coming home tonight (yet at least)... I see she has gone to her friends place in Knox.  This may be the start of becoming homeless!  (yay!). Not sure what or wherever the kids can go, unless their BF/GF are willing to take them in??!  I have no means, and not sure what Centrelink do for kids over 18.

20:00 sent this to FMA

 I think the overarching problem that is driving today's situation, is that I believe you aren't able to support me, while having the house and doing what you feel is necessary for A&A...

There's nothing I'd like more than to be a contributing member of the family - or society... but with the limited funds from Centrelink, and not much use of my hands an lower legs, it's better to stay out of the way and let the world keep spinning.

I may not agree, participate, or be welcomed by the status quo, but that's my cross to bear, and I have come to accept it.

Don't drag yourselves down because if me, I'm apparently not worth it.

This has very little to do with religion, culture or ideology... it's just the random luck and opportunity that are the foundation of life.

I know /you/ can succeed and fly, and the kids are showing all the potential to be 'themselves', it's a good start to know that we've passed on something good.  A pity to let it fall apart this late in the process.

I can step away when my car is running if that makes life easier for you

Dad

--- this sort-of flows on from the realisation that I've been trying to 'fit in' for 40 years, and never succeeded.  it's about time I acknowledged the reality, and hand over the reins to someone better equipped.

Mon 31 Aug ---

08:00 FMA ones in to complain the kitchen is full of dishes.  Can I tell AEC to cleanse up.  ok.

Thence the lecture about being unable you SE the kitchen since last week... as if I didn't know!  I haven't used the kitchen for a year with FMAs clutter.  sigh.

That kicked me into a 'mood', as I'm still not seeing any progress, despite joiing, doing, contacting etc. Please let me fix the car as soon as possible, then I'll start making plans to be alone on my own terms.

Sent an intro through LinkedIn to www.atlassian.com to see if there is any interest in Diversiti.

Today's issue is dishes. FMA came home at 1430, and went off at me that AEC hasn't washed the dishes (despite not being home yet)... he rest of the conversation was that I have to resolve it, I or FMA won't come home later(!).  No idea what her plan is, but I know that MADC and I use, keep, wash our own dishes in our own rooms - to avoid this.

As it stands, we now have four separate people living in this house, rent paid by FMA.

This in itself isn't right, but at least I feel better paying some basic bills. 

Fuel on the fire - sent to all three...

I'm ashamed that MY family are too narrow-minded, immature or irresponsible to resolve simple issues like celebrating differences, calling home, or washing dishes.

With a collective age of around 150 years, we have the collective emotional intelligence and maturity of a ten year old.

Whether it's the inability to let others determine their own life choices, or some reluctance to rinse off old fish waste from the kitchen pots & pans - it doesn't matter who does what - it seems that no-one is sharing the load - for whatever reason.  In fact a lot of the basic chores are not being done by anyone - even for themselves!

A little respect - or even basic hygiene in a shared space is all that's needed to start with.

We all have our own problems, I'll reluctantly admit that I'm one of them!

But if I left, I don't think anything else would change in the family dynamics - so I'm not leaving (yet!) How about the old saying of 'clean up as you go' - that could be room, papers, dishes, arguments, or any challenge that may be encountered in life.

If you ignore the issue, or just walk away without closure - then the problem grows, and grows... and grows.

21:00 FMA didn't take that well, and has decided to not come home.  My job is to tell the kids (both here) that FMA is not part of the problem.  It's my fault the kids are the way they are.

Quite correctly, she points out that she needs the family working 'with' her, but would not accept when I suggested that she is partially 'enabling' the kids' self-absorbed behaviour.  I openly acknowledge that I have withdrawn from any social interaction after being 'hurt' on too many occasions .  My time is limited, she and the kids have plenty of opportunity to move forward without me dragging them back.

Sun 30 Aug ---

11:30 FMA is in the house, so I feel like a prisoner.  Brekky was some Pepsi Max, that's all.

Going out to get something like betrayal, as I haven't earned it.  Weird, but I have no power to make decisions in life.

I remember in my twenties - among other things, I bought a boat to enjoy the weekends in Sydney's waterways... but had no-one to share the time with... so I sold it soon after.  That's been my problem since forever.

Sat 29 Aug ---

Not much
Still no response from Brian in HK since Wednesday - sigh...effectively no discussion since last week.

Fri 28 Aug ---

Waking up in freshly washed bed linen is so much nicer if you were really tired the night before.

You're laughing now, but you'd better hope our f'in team wins...

Thu 27 Aug ---

Am I 'angry' with the way life has turned out?  Perhaps, but mostly it's sadness and disappointment that I've tried pretty hard to do the best I can, creating and adding to the experience of life... yet I feel that I've been roundly rejected on pretty much every corner since the mid-2000s, and indeed - I acknowledge that I've been different since my teens - but is that a good reason to be made to suffer now?  Obviously I had something to do with it, but to feel so alone in 21st century 'first world' society is really painful.

Assuming I actually get my car running again... I wonder where I'll go after the last two years of being'grounded'?  I'd have to say I'll drive to Brisbane - to see JJC and Matt, even if it's the last time ever, it will be a distraction from my normal circumstances.

I doubt that I'll take on small repairs - as my hands, legs and emotional willpower are unlikely to return. Great if they do, but I'm kinda planning my own 'retirement' so it's not a burden to the few people there staying behind.

18:00 Dr AS rescheduled visit.  Nothing special - referred to a psychologist Dr Sood for next cycle.

Wed 26 Aug ---

Other than U3A, nothing special.

Received form to release AMP money for car repair... soon!

Rebuilt an XP system for one of the punters.

Bad tummy today... not feeling well right through to bedtime.

I realised tonight, that I don't think I've ever seen MADC cry in anguish - or he's hidden it well!

AEC a couple if 'minor' incidents in adolescence - with frustration at 'her life'!

Tue 26 Aug ---

U3A

Bored

Some people will die of 'congestive heart failure',

I'm more worried about 'congestive brain failure'.

Mon 25 Aug ---

There is something seriously wrong in this family.  Otherwise than MADC occasionally dropping in to tell me when he's going out, the only other engagement is either hearing the doors open an close, or being asked to help/drive someone, somewhere.  AEC stats here maybe 30% of evenings, preferring to stay at friends', and MADC stays home maybe 65% of nights.  FMA seems to blame me for everything, which is reasonable, but doesn't see any responsibility from her role.

13:30 - 23:00 attempted to resurrect two old Pentium/XP computers belonging to U3A member Ryan.   Lost cause.  RAM dead on one, the other can't be updated - as Microsoft no longer supports any part of XP or old versions of Office.  Time not wasted, but lost.

Sun 24 Aug ---

Hang on!  Society demand strict skills when training for public facing service delivery and professional development... certified academic squalifications for their trainers and administrators, but no competency certification for the top-level policy makers.

In the main, those policy makers utilise technology, and weak, short-term, objective models to make themselves look better, and minimise risk, and to appear objectively more efficient. 

But in reality the frontline personnel are often carrying those policy makers - delivering half-baked whims endorsed by half-baked bureaucrats - appointed by unskilled, self-aggrandising puffins.  

  So there!

PURPOSE:

• Security & Significance

EXPRESSION:

• Means
• Motive
• Opportunity

... there's nothing much more to say.

Sat 22 Aug ---

in my life, like the void of space - no-one can hear you scream!

Fri 21 Aug --

How do I know I'm not already in hell?

I can't imagine much worse tha the way I'm living now - except perhaps sleeping naked on concrete, and continuous searing pain.  Hmmm.

There must be more than one hell.

Nothing to report. McDonalds late brekky, alone except that I shared some sausages in the late afternoon with MADC then by myself again.

20:00 spent a while talking to Brian in HK about F3 project.

Thu 20 Aug ---

A bit scared about why I'm going into a diploma / degree.  As far as I can see the up side is that keeps me busy - at a cost (no matter how small), but what's at the end of it?  Employment? unlikely at 60 yo... more opportunity for Freedom/Diversiti - maybe... but there's a lot of work, an no guarantee I'll get any further than already.  oh well - 'have faith'!

Wed 19 Aug ---

Monash diabetes clinic today (last funded visit)... good chat with clinician.

Called back by TAFE to discuss diploma / degree path.  They're looking at me to join a new diploma course - which starts in September - and will get to me back once the content and dates are in stone.

12:30 Drop AEC to work at Chadstone

17:15 i hate it that simple compassionate scenes on TV, or movies can instantly reduce me to tears.  I feel selfish, because I'd like to be in that situation - on either side of the compassion, but I'm short on means and/or friends - so it ain't happening.

My life relationships are non-existent because I have nothing to bring to the table, and can't make suggestions without equity in the game... a spectator of life.

23:45 I don't think FMA 'gets' why the kids don't eat, sleep or spend any time at home... I'm sure she notices their absence, but doesn't understand they want to live life by the values we tried to giveaway them - not to live life as we tell them to.  They're 18 and 21 !

It's sad, because we both miss out on their faces, stories, friends and company.  sigh

Tue 18 ---

10:00 U3A

16:00 laughing (sadly)... received annual statement from AMP super - now showing non-smoker status.  If only it had said that 20 years ago!  Oh well in reality I would have spent it anyway!

The upside is the life insurance that carries with that policy will help the kids if/when I pass on.  I must change the beneficiaries, so that FMA doesn't inadvertently give a lot of it to the mosque etc.

Mon 17 ---

U3A

Dr AS visit

Sun 16 Aug -

hyperthymic - my spin...

Only enter where we feel a high probability of success
Don't take failure well, but are ready to keep trying for success. 

Sometimes obsessively past the point of being productive.
Having one's health, financial or other resources constrained is like cutting off oxygen - as it denies the ability to keep in trying- and ultimately denying success. 

Took some stuff out for hard rubbish collection...

FMA had a bunch of people over for dinner and prayers... I laid low, but went out later to talk with one of the men tahat wasn't participating. 

Sat 15 Aug ---

Feeling the consequences if two dinners last night, but is was worth chatting with the kids and their 'significant others!'...

11:30 I'm trying to think of a reason to get out of bed.

I have nowhere to go, no one to see, and need to conserve resources for when some critical event happens along, like buying food or fixing someone's PC for free.... don't get me wrong I like those opportunities to get out, but they are important n my life to keep me going.  just eating or walking around are more physical and emotional pain than their cost.

Family are clumping around in the house, so I'm not really interested in going in there to sit by myself and/or explain myself for the umpteenth time.

I was also thinking back to a minor event when I was around 17 - when I broke down at him, in a conversation with my dad declaring (even way back then) that nobody wants me, I don't have friends in the same way like other people...  Motto: don't lie this happen to your kids.   

I think we succeeded with the later two, but KFC and SJC were at the mercy of their mother and grandmother... both the adults at that time suffering from North Shore syndrome.

12:30 I'm beginning to doubt my idea of studying new skills to revisit Freedom/Diversiti. 

I am afraid of not having the stamina, and ultimately spending more years to develop a project that no-one wants to talk about!  I should just give up now before I fall farther behind.  

Centrelink allows me to eat, what else do I Need?

I've decided that in the eyes of the rest of the world, I'm full of shit.  Despite stating, predicting and developing proposals for forward looking solutions and technology - I've been roundly dismissed.

That suggests my methods and manner are flawed in the common view, but the observations and suggestions have been proven valid multiple times.  So that leaves us with the fact that shit is the flavour of the month.

Working without capital has been my biggest mistake as a career move.  I chose to work in very specialised segmenpts, but the competition has been ell funded, and worse, the skills to assess what I was proposing are not mainstream.  I did earn well, but used that money in the wrong way to grow.  it created new IP, but ignored the plans to 'market it'.

Fri 14th Aug ---

07:30 leave to collect AEC from airport... there are some things she'll need to explain to FMA !

14:00 Visited TAFE Chadstone to discuss funded diplomas and degree options for me over the coming months and tears...

18:00 dinner with FMA, MADC, AEC and their BF/GFs - very pleasant.

Thu 13 Aug ---

16:00 went to visit TAFE Moorabbin for IT course open day... not the right courses, but it gave me some ideas!

Sent reintroduction letter to Telstra CEO to revisit F3 project.

Wed 12 Aug ---

Only U3A today. Pretty slow.

Tue 11 Aug ---

One up gagging to cooking smell from the others end of the house. Again.

Dreamt of missing AECs return flight tomorrow - despite asking, but not having any details.  I must be at fault.

I'm a very strange person.  I still believe in my IP development projects, and their potential to impact on their respective nous tries...lye the no-one even wants to know what they aren't to meet me soi can explain them. A and worse, I've given up trying to reach people simply because I'm emotionally tired of being ignored without any explanation.  The end.

22:00 This is quite serious. If I died right now, no-one including myself would know or care. My passing would not affect anyone in a meaningful way.   suppose the insurance connected to my super/pension might pay out, but I wouldn't bet on it.  

Mon 10 Aug ---

05:30 Reflection...  43 years ago I encountered the mother of my then teen-age 'love' - SAM.  While it's in appropriate to place blame, or to argue what 'may have been' - SAM and I were suited to each other, but the closest I can compare the failure of the connection.. is that Ella was like 'Emily Gilmore' to SAM's 'Lorelai' in the TV series.  

When SAM. and I reconnected briefly in the mid 2000s, the mutual attraction was all there, but marriage, kids, respect and my slowly failing health meant that I had to walk away from a relationship I had dreamed of for more than thirty years - to avoid the chance of burdening SAM with my 'shell'.  

I'd become a doormat that was raised with post-Victorian values on Sydney's north shore.   SAM and my life paths 'could' have been completely different, and it's pointless to say what went wrong all those years ago.  I know which outcome I would have preferred.  No thanks to Ella.

21:00 How sad am I?  I live with five plates, four pieces of cutlery, a mug and a glass.

Food lives in a car freezer, and I use the stove/oven when nobody else us home - then I don't have to explain or share the limited food I can afford.

If you're wondering why I eat a meal out each day, that's why!

I wash myself, small items, and the plates in the bathroom sink... laundry in the washer/dryer under same conditions as the stove.  This is preparation for that day if I outlive my welcome in FMAs house. 

Sun 09 Aug ---

I registered the other day for a course to update my programming skills - which would allow me to rewrite FREEDOM on current platforms...  I realised that being the smartest person in the room - means nothing if you're the only person in the room.  Why spend hundreds possibly thousands on improving my offer, if I can't even get anyone to respond yo my inquiries?
08:30  I'm going out (probably to McDonalds) simply because I have to get out of he house.
There is nothing here for me.

I wonder what the trigger is to change to 'I don't want to be here', from 'I don't want to be in the house'.  I look at my current circumstances, and the unlikely chance of anything changing for the better, and it seems inevitable that I'll be faced with a very difficult life-changing decision on the future.

Acknowledging that my choices in life have usually, and are generally declared by others as wrong, I'm painfully aware that I'd rather die alone than live with some of the decisions I've made in their world.  I don't expect to burden others with my legacy of mistakes, when their lives are obviously so much netter by their own decisions than the path I carved out for myself.

When it is my time to go... No plans yet!

I'd like any funereal preparations to be as minimal, and simple as possible.  if a viewing is wanted, and the body in decent condition, I have no particular problem for others to offer their respects, or make their own form of closure.  I'm far in preference for cremation, but this may upset some.  I guess it won't upset me personally, but I'd rather leave open space and gardens for the future use of living beings... notwithstanding the worms will miss out.

If anyone's expecting a celebration of my life, it's going to be a really disappointing show.  I don't have anything other than the kids to celebrate, and I doubt they'll have much to say.  Just keep Weird Al Yankivic ready with 'Everything You Know Is Wrong'.

Literally no one will show up, so you could just as well stuff me in a padded bag, and post me off somewhere. I won't know the difference, and I doubt anyone else will care.  But that's illegal, so I recommend the cremation idea as the tidiest that will limitations the need for feelings if guilt or grave visits by those left behind.

I doubt there'll be much said, much less a eulogy!  No one as really got to know me throughout my adult life.  So I guess whatever is said can pass through a happy childhood, travelling with family... the marriage to Lisa, two girls... working in TV and production, then Malaysia and FMA, followed by two more kids and return to Melbourne.  Fin.  There you go, that was easy.

LATE THOUGHT: I just realised that whomever is in charge of will haven't trouble finding four or six pall bearers... so cremation is looking a lot better!

Sat 08 Aug ---

08:00 reorganized my pill bucket. Whoopee

While I am part of it, I I just realised how 'sad' my life is...  each day, I send a text to AR, that simply says "Happy ___day". - that's all, but it means if nothing else happens, I connected with someone each day!

What are my fears?

• Dying alone without ever having been heard - innovation and other thoughts.
• Losing use of my hands and feet i.e. mobility, articulation and what little engagement I have.
• Not understanding people - which I obviously suck at.
• That my kids think I don't love or care for them. Nothing could be further from the truth. My problem is that I thought I could succeed in life, and pass that success on to them...but now I'm running out if time.

I vaguely remember back in primary school,a teacher once pointed out that I was 'very observant'... I carried that as a compliment for forty years, until I learned that society doesn't seem to accommodate people that are 'always on'.

Success - seems to be measured by celebrity or wealth. Not much else.  Celebrity is measured by the number of social media 'likes' or the size of your ____!

Fri 07 Aug ---

Note much yet...

I wonder what will happen if the TV breaks, or I have to move house.  I gave no idea what I'll do, or where I'll go. No electricity, water, kitchen, laundry - anything.   I going to have to think this through.

I tried to install Windows 10 today.  after an hour of running the installation disk, it said it failed.  Luckily I still have Windows 7.  Wow that ws the high point of the day.

Thu 06 Aug ---

04:00 asked by FMA to proof read and correct job application.

05:00 back to sleep

07:00 ready to drive here to Waverley...

07:30 changed mind... drive FfMA. to city

- I don't mind, but her changes of mind is hard to keep up with.

10:00 McDonalds brekky

10:30 back to sleep

15:00 awake again.... types this.

HYPERTHYMIC... I'd like to propose a metaphor (from inside my head)...

A well rounded awareness of life, it's challenges and opportunities
-EXCEPT there are a couple of extreme aberrations that project from that well-rounded sphere of engagement! The long term results are not pretty.

21:45 I'm so bored. Cornered by lack of funds and having to account for what I may want to do. e.g. McDonalds...!

Wed 05 Aug ---

U3A very quiet today - only one participant!

19:00 followed FMA and her friend to Costco for something to do..

Tue 04 Aug ---

U3A was successful, and they gave me two Village gift cards!

Not much else, as I had to drive and wait for FMA before going to Dr AS at 18:30

18:30 Doctor visit, all seems good. Opting for therapy over chemical treatment. 

We agree on how, just choosing how to keep my spirit up.

I should try Men's Shed again now that I have NSA to pay former it.

Mon 03 Aug ---

04:00 I've finally realised how to,express my emotion of the last couple of years.

Helpless - not worthless.

Imagine you've stumbled into a smooth, high walled pit with no-one in earshot, or willing to hear or help you for whatever their reason. When someone does pass by, a plane flies overhead to drown out your calls for help.

You call out for a while, then realise that your only chance of escape is if someone finds you and has the desire to pull you out.  The alternative is waiting with the minimal sustenance that blows or fall into the pit.  it's not nice. 

The reference in this diary to hyperthymia several weeks ago has been interesting... today, a news article about hyperthymesia caught my attention with the obvious root word association... I'm certainly not hyperthymestic, but I am confident that I share some of the traits that differentiate this group from the mainstream, and potentially being misunderstood in daily life because of it. 
Sidelined if you will - for being different.

Things I'm grateful for:

• MADC & AEC - being as normal and well-developed as they are despite FMA and myself.
• Clean / hot running water - health and hygiene.
• Internet - allows me to stay across the world and keep in touch with the few friends I have.
• My car - even though I'm still paying for it, and can't afford to repair it for trips > 5km!
• My bed, computer and TV - to fill those hours I would otherwise spend out in the car / driving / visiting etc.
• Centrelink for accepting the fact FMA and I are SU1R, and I'm physically limited (if not mentally!)

Sun 02 Aug ---

08:50 just laying here. I'm looking forward to U3A tomorrow. That's pretty much the only interaction I have now.  AEC is coming back on 12th, and wants to buy a cat or two... that may be some company for me.
12:15 I used this analogy once before, That I'm like an unwanted pet.  I haven't evenleft bed this morning - simply because I have nothing that anyone wants, cant afford to go/do anything, and don't have the physical stamina any more to rech out for any length of time. I'm simply hoping that someone remembers me, and otherwise waiting to find anothr state of life that is more sympathetic to my condition.
19:00 FMA called from her friend's house to ask if I wanted to join them.  She offered to ask MADC to collect me for the visit.  I politely declined.  Just to explain why... I still am 'capable'.  My transport is limioted, but I honestly am not interested in sitting for a few hours by myself listening to conversations in a language I don't understand about things I'm not interested in.
I certainly don't expect my son be directed to help his useless father when he 's not motivated in doing so of his own.  I understand that.  I'd like to be invited on merit if it's relevant, and to participate as an equal, not a a charitable response to FMA's lack of a handbag to make her feel good within her community.

it sounds flippant, but I'd rather just drop off the face of the planet than indulge others telling me about their lives and beliefs.  I did that for twenty-plus years, yet no one seems interested to hear what I'd like to say.  Maybe I didn't present it well? Ok that's my failure and loss, but don't expect me to be happy listening and failing for that long.  My children have to watch me falling apart 'live'... that's not something that you strive forty years to achieve.

23:30 I'm sure some of my lack of motivation to go out is the simple fact that I always get asked the same questions... how are you, what have you been doing - and I try to pass over them with 'the same, not much!'...I already know I'm effectively broke, homeless and unemployable. Why keep sharing that?

Sat 01 Aug ---

04:00 too much sleep and inactivity. TV to the rescue.

06:00 A bottle of (good) scotch, insulin, Valium and a convenient pond on a cold night. That should do it.  No plans yet, but that seems like a tidy way out that won't impact others too much.
08:45 I sit on the side of my bed, and want to burst into tears, but I don't have any tears left.  Crying is pointless if there is no-one to share them with, a bit like eating alone.
11:30 Big meal out (by myself!)  McDonald's with two burgers, fries and coffee!  Woo hoo!
Afternoon - washed sheets & quilt cover. I'm so physically week when I exert to any level for minutes at a time.  I need something to engage & use my time.

Fri 31 Jul ---

I don't deserve or want special treatment (I think... correct me if I'm wrong).

I'd just like to be able to engage in the same activities as everyone else.  Driving, working, eating, chatting and so on.   I'm not special, and certainly don't feel like it, but I'm so isolated - which is unusual.

My sin in life was not 'being cool',or striving to be popular for the sake of being popular. I chose not drink, smoke, do drugs, and put work ahead of most other things.

10:45 Splitting headache this morning - probably because FMA was home until 10am.  I'll go heat up a frozen meal -- with some luck that will solve that problem.  Then I'll sit in bed all day watching TV and sleeping - to save money - so I can register the car next month... so I cabn drive to the shops and doctor appointments.   Just not sure why.
11:00 followers of helps.  Back to bed.

I'm lucky that I have  warm, dry place to stay.

17:00 I was just thinking about my recent job application history...

I apply for positions where I have experience, and a reasonable chance of succeeding. No replies.

What chance if I applied for roles where I have no skills or experience.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong!

I also realised that every company that I've worked for has dissolved into other forms, with no continuity of people - so even those channels to reconnect are non existent,

23:00 FMA had some people visiting - woke me up.

Thu 30 Jul ---

09:00 I wonder when the day will start?
I've been through this phase  a few times, but each time it's a bit deeper.  I really want to just give up, but I know that is not a solution.  Staying in the fight is really hard.  No friends to engage with, no transport, no health - hell, I can't even pleasure myself!  The good news is that it can only get 'better' unless I die first!

It's a good thing that I rarely dream - because optimistic, wishful dreams are a crock of shit.
If you're lucky enough for your dreams to come true, then you're *lucky* - and had a reasonable expectation that could be fulfilled... that's all

12:00 Sometimes, I get dressed, and comb my hair to maintain my pride & dignity.  I'm not going anywhere, and the TV is off - so I just walk around the bedroom, hall and lounge to fill in time.  It won't last long until I turn the TV on and sink back into boredom again.

14:30 Sitting in Subway to practice my vertical skills (as opposed to laying down all day), and talking to people (the counter staff)...   Sometimes in public, I feel like collapsing into a mush of tears, but hold back knowing that no one watching or around me would have the faintest idea why- so it would help no-one.

21:00 I seriously doubt whether the family (or anyone at all!) would notice if I was gone/missing for 24-48 hours...

I know I'm promoting the idea of not getting in their way, but decency tells me that if someone is in your sphere of awareness- that you should touch base every now and then to let them know you're 'there'.  I'd do it, but then perhaps I'm too invasive?

Wed 29 Jul ---

02:00 woke. up. Bored, at a loose end. Thinking too much about 'why no-one wants me around'.

21:00 I realise that I'm not the intended audience, but there are so many of the story lines in Gilmore Girls that relate exactly to my life from childhood to now.   I wish I could explain, but it's a bit soppy, yet incredibly true and close to my heart in the current circumstances.

23:00 I feel like a snack, but there are two obstacles. FMA is in the house, and no food.  If I want something, I'll have to drive out, then get a Q&A from FMA.  it's not worth it. hungry is better.

Tue 28 Jul ---

I applied for  a job online today - received the auto-reply message.  The opening is in Sydney, and I have no idea if I can do the required roles, but I think so, and with a week's recharging - I hope I can recover some of my lost mojo.  No high expectations though!
https://groupcareers.singtel.com/job/Sydney-Innovation-and-Special-Projects-Manager-Sydn/280100300/?utm_source=linkedinjobpostings 

I know I should ave responded to this earlier, but I often question why I can't get a door open to present 'my ideas' to potential partners or collaborators... Of course I realise there are tens of millions of people that do start businesses and/or succeed in their promotion and endeavour... so why not me...?

Honestly, it must be me, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong that precludes me from. even getting a reply, or callback.  Do I smell?  Are my ideas totally implausible? Is there an 'APB' out on me...!

Thus is my problem, and as time gives on, it gets harder to solve as I slowly fall apart.

Came home from U3A.... must have fallen asleep around 3:30-4:00 pm
18:50 Oops - I slept through Dr AG appointment scheduled for 18:30 (they phoned!).
In my defence, no reminders went off that I'm aware of - so I must have forgotten to set them.

Mon 27 Jul ---

Zero mental or physical stimulation or reward 24/7

Very limited interaction on any level.  This means little motivation to use resources chasing 'nothing'... I'm not going to win the lottery, so why buy tickets?

I'm going to have to remember in the next life - to get with the program...!  Too late for this one.
#defeated
13:00 U3A visit - ho hum.  Taught Dean how to create a simple spreadsheet.

18:00 I wonder if it will feel any different when I've gotten Ne to the next life!  I can't imagine it's will be any more stressful, possibly less.

18:40 I frequently wonder what the chills I get occasionally (like now) are... shock, something else? I'm don't know, and no-one has said anything when I mention them...  Any time if day. in a group, or sitting alone... usually when I'm just 'pissed off' at life, and some sitting quietly.

20:30 I think I've reached that point where I don't believe in myself any more.

I used to be across or ahead of the things I was involved in, but after so long on the sidelines, I feel that I'm so out of touch with what's needed today, that I'm literally irrelevant.  The tech and software strategies have moved on (not necessarily better!), but I'm certainly not able to lead a discussion any more.

So I guess that's it. Just sit back as long as I have a roof and Centrelink!

I really can't think of anything I could add to any business, and they don't know that I exist, Soi ts unlikely I'll be getting a call!  hmmm.

Sun 26 Jul ---

Just discovered that Blogger / Blogspot / this app is losing posts.

A long piece I wrote yesterday, and replacement text that was posted last night have gone.

I suppose this should not be a surprise - as I have known for ten years that my 'life' has been filtered in some way (paranoia?) - as I have been unable to apply or engage with many recipients by use of web based tools (email, online applications etc).
Be careful to save & re-open/check when exiting the editor.

This is all the more interesting, as I checked after posting - that the changes had 'stuck'.. I had previously noticed something was happening...
The piece lost from yesterday was quite interesting, as a light-bulb moment identifying my failure to understand since the 80's that 'people don't want free ''help'' from me.  I seem to overwhelm people with enthusiasm, and they like the prevailing status-quo, rather than engage and tell me that I'm wrong or not needed - they simply ignore me permanently!

Life littered with bad decisions made under the wrong circumstances. I've learned that I should never believe in myself.  Others figured that out a long time ago!  Just that no-one told me!

22:30 I'm beginning to lose track of my hopes and goals, as it becomes clear I'll never reach or attain any of them... this realisation comes about from a simple fact that talking to myself won't help, and I have no other meaningful personal contact on a skills and professional level (or any other for that matter!)

Sat 25 Jul ---

Lost - as noted above

Fri 24 Jul ---

01:00 ZZzz... bored.

09:00 Dr AS. usual visit + flu jab.

Subway breakfast.

Buy some frozen meals and deodorant.

Heard a great quote -- Old, ugly and tired... Mean, mad & broke!

I used to be good at a few things, but I'm getting the feeling those things are not relevant to anyone other than me!  What changed when I wasn't looking?!

My new life starts today. I'm no longer going to initiate assisting, or helping out others unless I'm asked, or a situation exists where help is 'needed'.  I'm not invisible and expect to be treated as such.

Over recent years, I moved through no interest, to Waiting, then consideration of Wanting... now I'm looking over the horizon at Working - toward a tidy exit.

17:00 I wish I had the means, and could think of a reason to get out of bed!

Thu 23 Jul ---

Nothing yet

16:00 went to help one off the U3A members get their old home PC working.

(it's dead but I should be able to save his old documents!)

Wed 22 Jul ---

10:00 Visit U3A.

17:00 cooked and ate a slab of sausages before they could be tossed out!

Tue 21 Jul ---

09:30 Meat pie and coffee for late breakfast.  burger with the lot for lunch. 

U3A session went well.

22:45 nothing else to report.

Mon 20 Jul ---

05:00 wake up to another exciting week.

Brunch was some frozen fish fillets, and  a coffee and croissant during the day..

U3A visit.

23:50 I must be honest, that for all my complaining, I have it pretty good. I'm not physically deformed, have some brains, and had a pretty good life up until about 2010.  Things go downhill for everyone at different times, but it's inevitable the larger scheme of things.

Yes, I'm frustrated that I seem to be a pariah in some circles, and I find myself living from day to day, but there are others that depend on others just to eat or get dressed.  My day for that level of disability hasn't come yet.  There are difficulties, but there are others worse off.

Sun 19 Jul ---

10:30 Woke to a phone call from one of FMAs friends - asking for computer help.

As their system sounds like it's riddled with malware, I suggested they bring the main box over, and I'll work on it with the resources at hand,  They already have a laptop with me ready to take back - so that makes a clean trip.

It seems that someone is interfering...

11:20 I get a text message telling me they will pick me up in 20 minutes to go back to their house... Who put that idea in their head?  I'll achieve nothing, and will be a prisoner until I can figure a way to escape back to my cave.  They're nice people, well intentioned and all, but why do I want to sit in someone else's house with nothing in common than their broken computer? 

Perhaps I'm anti-social, but that's nothing new. I was told that when I was 15 years old.

11:45 some other friends of FMA arrive to celebrate open house. Just when I thought she was going out, and I'd have access to the kitchen.
14:00 There is no place lonelier or scarier than in a quiet room, listening to your own voice and thoughts  I saw myself in a mirror, my face was dead, expressionless.  I have no expectations of life any more. What happens, happens.

18:45 Damn it. I was literally heading toward the door, when I heard FMA coming in. no dinner for me, I couldn't get out into time.

20:00 went to get a glass of milk. I desisted, as there was only a little left, and ten of FMAs guests drinking tea/coffee,  For some reason I felt bad drinking the milk I had bought in the place I stay.

I want to live my own life, not someone else's plan.

Thus is ridiculous... I take pills and needles in order to avoid kidney damage and blindness, yet I'm hoping for a big heart attack to take me out qiickly!

I don't think it's possible to be any sadder, less happy than I am at the current time.

I texted AECto see what they're doing and received a reply from her BF, they are heading up to northern Vietnam.

Sat 18 Jul ---

10:00 I'm hungry, but afraid to go out to get breakfast.  if I eat in the house, I'll be eating FMA's food... if I heat some frozen stuff, I feel guilty cooking for myself... if I go out, I feel selfish because I can't afford to get food for the others.  I feel so trapped.

Midday went to one of FMAs open house gatherings. Nice enough talking to a couple of people, but I felt guilty 'taking' food as I can never reciprocate... so I didn't eat much at all...(a spoon of rice and a spoon of curry)... am I insane?  After returning home, I went out to buy KFC.

20:00 one day, I'd really like to be able to eat, go, do whatever I want - when I want to.  I suppose that will happen when I get to the next life, cause the outlook here isn't too bright.

Sat 25 Jul ---

06:00 LIGHTBULB MOMENT: (well sort of)...

My raison d'etre has always been to look at 'everything around me' and identify if there are things that could be 'doe better'.  Not perfectionism, as I'm happy to leave the status-quo alone, but I like to see, discuss and propose ways that things may 'work better'.  It underpins one of my old signatures 'Making things work the way they should'.

Others have mentioned this to me previously, as 'people don't like change'... which I always mistook for they don't like interference or negative change --- but I don't want to change them or their environment - simply propose ways thay could get more from whatever is in front of them - next time they are looking at change.... MISUNDERSTOOD - and I thought I could communicate pretty well.... sigh.

So there it is.  Yes, I probably I am hyperthymic, bipolar, or wired in some other way, but in a passive way - which must have been interpreted as passive-aggressive - and pushed people away from me, whuile all I was doing was 'working for nothing' to find future benefits for them --- that they didn't want!

This probably explains my inner frustration with 'authority' as it is fundamentally inefficient, but likes stasis - and anything that suggests an alternate - for better or worse is totally unwelcome, as it makes them look inefficient.  While all along I was only trying to punt ideas in to the field - whether they want to pick them up or not.  BIG MISTAKE, it's ruined my life to this point..

Fri 17 Jul ---

Selamat Hari Raya- yay.

FMA & MADC went out before leaving much for Raya events.

I went to Subway, then back to U3A for a quick check, then coffee, apple cake and home.

No people.

I've been lazy testing my blood sugar for the last couple of weeks... it should be the same, as my diet hasn't changed, and I still take my pills and insulin jab each day as I have for the last few months.  Just tired of nothing.

Thu 16 Jul ---

15:00 Life seems so pointless.  My goal today is to convince Centrlink that I'm worth keeping alive.  It's  that simple.  Oh! I did throw out a torn pillow, and cleaned the Roomba. 

Otherwise, not much else to report.

The laundry has some half done clothes, so I can't wash my own things yet.

14:15 - Young lady from Centrelink called (half an hour late!).  Advised that my circumstances have been extended to December.  I had a short chat, and offered that the psychiatrist had mentioned hyperthymic traits in my personality

20:45 it's so lonely.  My only interpersonal contact today was a phone call with an authority that sends money to jeep me alive!  That can't be normal. I know I'm not popular, or socially adept.  I'm old, boring, selfish and broken.  A great way to be remembered.  All I wanted in life was to be a part of t. 

to contribute, laugh and do what I saw other people doing. Was that too much?  It seems so, as I was supposed to do it their way, my way was not an option.

21:30 my mind feels like it's going to implode.  I can't figure out what I've done wrong in life to deserve the life I'm living.

I can't eat what I want, when I want... I can't go where I want when I want.  I can't talk to people - or more accurately, the they rarely reply or respond unless they initiated the conversation.  This is quite scary if taken in a normal context!  If I take the initiative to do something, I have to carefully allocate resources,mind most likely will end up going, doing and returning on my own.

Wed 15 Jul ---

09:30 off to diabetes clinic 

Then U3A to help out.

Message from AEC on her way to South Vietnam with AJ

Tue 14 Jul ---

18:30 visit Dr AG.  Preliminary assessment includes - existential crisis, manic, hyperthymic.  Will look for a therapist, and specific medication to level out my expectations...

Hyperthymia - very interesting!

• increased energy and productivity
• short sleep patterns
• vividness, activity extroversion
• self-assurance, self-confidence
• strong will
• extreme talkativeness
• tendency to repeat oneself
• risk-taking/sensation seeking
• breaking social norms
• very strong libido (until diabetes took it away!)
• love of attention
• low threshold for boredom
• generosity and tendency to overspend
• emotion sensitivity
• cheerfulness and joviality
• unusual warmth
• expansiveness
• tirelessness
• irrepressibility, irresistible and infectious quality

Too bad, it doesn't have a word for all that goodness wrapped up in depression! 

Mon 13 Jul ---

01:00 I just realised that I'm in exactly the same personal position I was 39 years ago.  The only difference is that I had a future which I knitted a career and for better or worse, went full circle. The problem I see is that I have no future or career to work with now.

Sun 12 Jul ---

Went out to buy Chinese rice & vegies for lunch.

My diet... Sodium derivatives, Caffeine solutions, and Aspartame sweeteners - with a side serve of food.

Sat 11 Jul ---

07:00 woke to a bizarre awareness. Dying slowly from the effects of diabetes is the least of my problems!   It has a clear outcome, even if not exactly desirable.  Athens worst of my issues is not having an identity, which I was silly enough to invest in my professional life.  Once that was taken, everything's elsewhere fell into the hole left behind.  Lesson learned.

14:30 All I've done so far today is take pills, sleep, watch a movie - and I just ate a bowl of frozen pasta

Just sad and bored with this isolation.  I hope I can save enough for car rego in September, despite not being able to actually drive very far!  if the rego lapses, I'll never be able to get out of the house at all...!

15:30 went out to get milk, frozen so and a pizza. Always 'scared' when I return that FMA might be home... did I buy the wrong milk, the wrong pizza... who cares - you're welcome to share but it wasn't not for you, so don't criticise!

Just wondering what I can eat... avoiding sugar, fat, sodium, dairy android everything else...

Fri 10 Jul ---

Decided to go for a blood and urine test - to spread out my exciting days!  24 hours of wee is a lot!

Just made it to Knox hospital pathology and back... yay.

19:30 Had the pleasure of eating out nearby for an hour with MADC.  Chatted about all sorts of trivia - nice, but I it cost $40 - which is a lot when you don't earn anything!

20:45 Everyone's out now, so I'm just sucking in the warm, artificially heated air that FMA is paying for.

Read an article earlier today about a researcher at Swinburne - decided to send links to CRC and the blog if they're interested. 

Thu 09 Jul ---

I can't think of anything to say.

Wed 08 Jul ---

Nothing planned yet.  Maybe a quick visit to talk to the computers at U3A.

Brunch was Chinese veggies & chicken stir fry.  

Spent some time fiddling with the U3A server... hopefully I've learned a bit over the last few days. 

Cooked some thin sausages for dinner - nice.

20:30 I was just trying to remember the last time anyone told me they 'love' me in Asian interaction...

I'm sure it must have been the two younger kids within the last year or so... thankfully I try to make it a part of most once relations if possible - for that day when I might not be able to say it!  I have to say I'd like to hear it too, but it's more important to give than to receive!

Tue 07 Jul ---

03:00 I suppose, to summarise - I should be happy.

in anyone's eyes, I'm a liability.  No job, no savings, no health, no assets - what a catch, either as a friend, colleague, worker or in a relationship.  Lookin' good.

A strange day... returned a laser to AH.  Noticed an obit into the paper for my uncle.. told Jen (she had heard). Stopped at U3A for a couple of hours.  Bought a bit of frozen food for the week ahead.

Not much else.

19:50... 

Mon 06 Jul ---

08:45 get ready to break/fix the domain controller at U3A. Alone again, naturally. 

I have to fix my own mistake/commitment...!

Sun 05 Jul ---

08:30 I just feel totally emotionally empty. No plans opportunity or expectation, yet there are demands on everything I don't have.  

One big problem in my life...

Ten years ago, I could have walked away from FMA and possibly lived a life that I dreamed of...  MP was running well, and I had the chance of a lifetime - to reconnect with my past - after 30-odd years. it was a done deal, just needed me to sigh off.  

MADC was around 11, and AEC was about 8... 
Simply, that would have been selfish...  I couldn't abandon them, so I bore on with the status quo.   Perhaps unrelated, but MP (&DD in particular) became a burden in some way, and our marriage dissolved into a shell, purely to sustain continuity for the kids school, friends and other things.   Of course my health was also falling over the decade, but I had no motivation to turn it around other than for the kids.

However the valley between FMA and myself made it hard for the kids to express much to either of us individually, in fear of upsetting the other.  She expected me to be a dutiful Malay spouse, yet I had. o interest in anything... at all.

I felt committed to FMA as I had taken her to a foreign country with two children - and no way back out.  Stuck for all the right/wrong reasons.  Of course by this time, diabetes was well on the way to eating away at me in every way, yet after DD stole my ownership of MP, I had no identity or goals at all.  it just started on the long road downhill.  And here I am.

Of course FMA could have pulled the pin just as easily, but she's not one to make decisions, and follows her faith rather than considered circumstances.  She's a different person than I am. That's all there is to it.

One could accuse me of being self-centered, but I have no-one to ask about alternatives.

Did I mention that I don't even feel welcome in the house?  This is not expressed to me, but that I just don't belong here - especially on my own, as it makes the walls close in on my self-created situation!

14:00 I got dressed earlier, went to (( Subway again),... even made to feel guilty about that, eating turkey and ham - as lean meat with salad )) as it seems like the healthiest food available, then came home to lay on the bed and watch more TV.  MADC was in his room for a while, then left to his Sunday job.    I don't think I could feel any lower than I do now - unless something terrible happened to one of the kids.

This is a strange comment, but while I would like to do anything I can for AEC and MADC - I need to fix myself first.  At the moment, I dread the idea if either one getting married - simply because I can't offer anything that a father should... thisis equally so for KFC  and SJC in Sydney...  let alone 'giving them away - I can't even afford to get there !  

If you know anyone that has a job for a proven loser, send them to me.

17:45 This is ridiculous. As a visitor in the house, I find myself looking for light under the door - to see that FMA is in the house, so I stay secure in my room.  How long can this situation persist?  Until I end up in care?  Maybe not too long at the current rate -- perhaps a couple more years.

19:00 Just installed extra streaming box in the bedroom -- more TV to choose from!

Sat 04 Jul ---

I was looking at an emailed photo of an old friend and their spouse travelling through Europe and it reminded me that no-one has taken a photo of me in friendship for twenty-odd years, yet in the same period, I've taken many 'for' them without ant reciprocation.  I'm not the best looking guy, but won't break the lens... it seems that people just don't see me in any light at all, and certainly don't want or feel a need for a memento!   I was aware of this some years ago, when I spent a few weeks travelling with a friend, and came back with around a hundred photos of them, but only one of me - taken as a selfie in a hotel lobby, tagged as 'the photographer'.  I'm seeing a pattern here.

Emotionally dead - that sums it up.  Waiting to die.  All good fun.

it's no fun saying this to yourself, but it is useful to keep one hand on reality.

10:20 Thinking about food. So bored with the choices within 5km, and with limited access to a fridge or kitchen, it's no fun eating...  McDonalds, Subway, local cafe, local food court, Pixxa Hut...that's about it apart from the $3.50 frozen microwave meals.

10:45 Discovered there is no-one else in the house. Had breakfast of three tablets. Back to bed & TV Saturday's are fun.

This sounds negative, but what the hell am I doing here?  I should get out of the way and leave resources for others.  

I started on writing an e-book this afternoon, on the one thing I have a lot of experience in... having an idea and developing it... for better or worse.  If it feels right, I'll publish it on Amazon or somewhere for $1.99 a hit.

23:45 woke up thinking it was nearly time to get up - to do more nothing.. Wrong.

Fri 03 Jul ---

09:45 My brain says go have breakfast, but every other signal says 'save money, don't do anything...'

I suppose I should install the replacement server at U3A, but that will necessitate time out from the house, and I'll go hypo... so I guess paying to be lonely, and help others is a worthy excuse.

11:00 Went to U3A - spent a few hours talking to myself and got about 90% working again... then had to rush home for AH to pick up probes. 

Chicken & Mushroom Risotto

15:30 - Rushed back - then AH emailed that his son would be running a bit later.  No problem in that, but when are people going rush for me?  Not holding my breath!  Me selfish? Perhaps.

19:40 - Dinner is served. Risotto in a packet.  Similar to what I have about 75% of the time... sometimes curry, pasta, rice based. $3.50 a serve on special, or around $4 if not.
So it's ot too bad $7-7 per day.

Thu 02 Jul ---

18:10 - Spent most of the day fixing a computer for U3A. I suppose that's good, because it filled my time for no forward movement...Major meal was a subway roll.  Ok, hats it for today.

It would be great if I could share my problems and fears with someone that isn't going to o judge me, android tell me how wrong I am.

This sounds like a cop-out, but luck plays a huge part in the fortunes of life.  Just like the saying 'you can't choose your parents'... the truth lies somewhere in between!  Chance, opportunity and coincidence all swirl around skill, risk and confidence to make us who we are.

22:30 Just watching a doco on Australian music, and it occurred to me that among my other work roles - brief by choice - includes audio recording and mastering in a number of items... including the music tracks for a film that won the Sydney Amateur Film Festival (around 1978 with Tamasha, for Russell Mulcahy) - which he never paid me for!   So many experiences that slip under the radar, and are worthless in this era.  I simply don't know why.  in my world this diversity is valuable.. but what do I know?

I was thinking about psych (Dr AG) delay - obviously he is more important to me than I am to him...

Wed 01 Jul ---

Today's Agenda: <blank>

09:45 FMA is still in the house.  Psychologically confined to my room.  Easier than confrontation.

Once again, I find myself feeling that I'd probably be happier dead than alive like this.  I'm not planning an exit, but there us the risk of leaving it too late - in the hands of someone's else!

Waking up with no goals, and the inability to commit or engage with others to set goals.. is total disempowerment. 

I went as far as going to Coles, to hide/avoid meeting Alan H -  I've been unable to complete a repair for him... I'm just too embarrassed about my inability to connect and sustain myself, which in turn means I can't afford to stay focussed long enough on the resources needed to be normal.

The diagnostic skills are still there, but no drive to do anything if there is no reward or physical ability -- I need to be part of a team to share skills.

21:20 - I'm just laying here, having a mild panic attack... I have no idea what each day will bring,  other than it wont be good. A bill, a fine, a rejection, a medical challenge, a failure to do something I believed I could do... pIans, tears, depression... being ignored by those I love, and care about me... 
I must have really been an arsehole. I just wish someone had pointed it out !

Tue 30 Jun --

05:45 - I just realised that with my lack of human emotional engagement - that I get those moments to release frustration and tension by watching shows like 'Undercover Boss', which let me tear up and reflect on the happiness provided to those people that are recognised for dedication and commitment to their responsibilities...  I wonder if that's due to my lack of the above, or my loss of the above...?

09:15 - a simple observation that may tie together some of my problems... 

Way back, I was taught by my parents that respect is earned, not given.  While I've slipped over quite a few times - a lot of effort was spent trying to live up to that goal.  Learning, contributing, sharing and listening.  Then the Nineties and Noughties wiped a lot of that out... Respect is determined by how rich you are, and your social profile. Period.  Some good people raised the bar with integrity and goodwill tied in, but the pool of respect was muddied by media whores, underworld figures, performers and others that couldn't care less about their art or others - unless it contributed to the bottom line.  Money and Fame are synonymous with Respect.  

Once again media and marketing have riddled the fabric of society with unsustainable expectations and values.

Mon 29 Jun ---

04:30 What is happiness?   A new episode on TV.  A sit down meal?  A tank of petrol?  Sharing an experience?  All of the above?   I'll tell you when I have one!

Strangely, over the last few months - I've been having mini-nightmares.Perhaps only once every few weeks, and not horror, scary dreams...  but fragments of my life that are falling apart even further...a bit like real life, except they haven't happened yet! Premonitions of negative possibility.

And keep in mind that ordain rainy, I a rely if ever dream... at all.

08:30 I'm watching one of those 'fly on the wall' series about prison life in the UK... combined with my experience... and the last few years of my own life - I really can't see where my life has been any different to prison, other than perhaps some small luxuries like time if day, and not being intimidated at close quarters.  And they get regular meals, medicine... and friends to interact with!

Some suggest the only person keeping me in this state is - me... I know others have helped, and I must have had some input, but when I reach out for help or advice, the reply is almost universal silence - so I'm left wondering again... what can I do to move forward and away from this damned place.  A nasty circle. The good news is that at my age, with my conditions - even if everything goes well, I should be gone within a few years.  No longer a problem.

10:00 used dead time to work in U3A computers. Boring, but fills in time until I have something better to do.

Received call to reschedule my appointment with psych AG from Thursday, back by two weeks. 

I was looking forward to that in their event he has something to add to the story.  If not, I might cut the cord, as that $125 a month could be used for food etc. Not really happy, but as long as he's getting his $500/hr it must be ok.

Sun 28 Jun --

03:38 - Am I just a 110% undiagnosed failure, and I'm blaming it on others?  Maybe, but I don't think so.  Blame always has multiple causes.

Something I'd really like to experience again - which I can't recall since perhaps 2006 or so...

That sparkle you feel inside when someone you give your love to - reflects that live back into your heart.  It's a big hole to fill.

• Efficiency is not Efficacy

I'm tired of fighting 'the system', but simply can't afford to live within the system...

Whether it's me or the system tat is flawed - is yet to be discovered.  

I've certainly made mistakes, but on most counts, I feel that I've contributed more than I've taken.

That doesn't count any more. 

Objectivity, Risk exposure, Liability reduction
                     vs
Subjective  Informed Competence

15:00 Sometimes I notice when I'm walking through the hall / corridor - that my hand is scrunched up it at an odd angle as I navigate the narrow bends... it's an odd symptom of being prepared for rebalancing, or anticipation of some broad pain in my legs or feet.   Nothing sharp, specific or debilitating, but I know it can come if i put a foot wrong.

FMA has a bunch of Ramadan'ers over for afternoon & breaking fast. As expected, I'm laying low all afternoon.   There's a few things I might say, but I've said them before and will leave them alone.

I pinged AEC who it seems is in Thailand, going to Koh Samui tomorrow with AJ and Dani!

Be Safe, mouse.

Sat 27 Jun ---

08:20 - Thinking about breakfast, but FMA is in the house, so I'm a bit cautious about being judged - just for wanting some food!  It sounds silly, but even when nothing's said, the back story is there... asking why I don't get out, see people, foll w her to her social gatherings, work more.  She just doesn't get it that my capabilities are severely limited, and the last thing I need is to be told that I'm not trying hard enough!

I don't want to say that I'm in constant pain, but I'm certainly in a state of constant physical impairment - and emotional dejection. 

17:00 wasted day - apart from Subway breakfast.

22:00 - sigh.  Saturday night.  I'd love to go to a small club or venue to soak up some music or just the atmosphere - especially now that I have a tiny allowance, but I can't think of any places that are dry, and don't sell ham/bacon snacks.  I know this is provocative, but it's the awkwardness I feel in breaking the rules, whether alone or if FMA came along (there's a buzzkill)... and there's no fun going alone - and I've established that I have nothing to offer anyone I might meet and chat with.  a shag on the proverbial rock.

Beginning to understand your own demons can make it easier to accommodate them, but when the world around you has no idea or interest to understand them, it becomes really hard to justify getting out of bed some days.  e.g. my 'attachment disorder' - self identified.

Late thought for the day...  BINARY... not necessarily on/off. yes/no

As in CRC, the simplicity is there, but the values are bias - toward harmony/unity of away-from the same.  This fits ambiguous, evolving systems over generations... far better than absolute black & white States!

Fri 26 Jun ---

I've been offered to be taken to lunch in reward for extra time spent working on U3A, but I feel,that I don't deserve anything.  Is that me being sincerest do self-deprecating, or denying that I'm worth bothering about...  I used to be consciously self-deprecating, but I now feel that may have been a huge mistake in life.

09:45 - I was in the kitchen, heating up some frozen fish pieces -- thinking how I don't feel 'welcome' in my own house - when the obvious occurred to me, that it isn';t my home!   I didn't choose the house, don't pay the rent, don't enjoy any amenity - other than my bedroom & toilet.  To offset a little bit of that - I pay the internet/phine bill, and generally look after my own costs from the CL payments.  Life is good!

14:00 - afternoon tea at Jells with VB.  Nothing special to discuss, but pleasant having someone to talk with!  

Thu 25 Jun ---

03:45 Bored silly. just woke up a while ago.

Looking for purpose and reward, or classically - security and significance.  None of that around here.

As one gets older, a factor that defines your age-relevance, is what you feel you still have left to contribute... If the opportunity to contribute is out of reach, or denied for some reason, you feel unfulfilled, and there is no reason to try, because whatever you do, or offer to do is ignored. So then, you may be the type to kick up a fuss to get attention - but that doesn't help anyone than to 'get noticed' for the wrong reason.  So it literally is better to go quietly. and accept failure if you genuinely 'gave it your best', tried and failed.

Spent the middle of the the day at U3A, getting their new PCs up android running the way we want.

JK was there some of the time.  But know stay me by myself.

22:00 watching recorded TV from the last couple of days. 

Wed 24 Jun ---

04:00 I should start a separate blog on Centrelink incompetence!

A couple of weeks ago, I was keeping track of my 'reporting' date, and submitted an 'online' zero income report...due before the 24th June,  A couple of days ago (approx 20th), I get a warning message that I must submit an earnings report by the 24th, or will have benefits terminated....  so

I go. online again to lodge 'another' report - but the portal says 'you cannot lodge another report - before the 24th' prior to the next reporting period?!  Let's see how they can stuff this up.

05:00 unfortunately FMA is already up to eat for Ramadan... so I'm safer by not going into the house until later. I'm a bit hungry though. Have to eat some diet Pepsi and corn chips!

06:00 Ya know... I just realised that I'm comfortable with the idea of dying, than hanging around to live under the pre-medieval beliefs of some of those around me.  Shocking, but my life and health outlook appears so bleak, that 'nothing' is better than the alternative!  So if push comes to shove, don't be surprised if I start looking for a way out.

17:00 reminder from Centrelink again, but this time I can login and lodge the report (for the second time!)

Tue 23 Jun ---

Early start at eye hospital. A long visit from 0830 to approx 1300

Status is holding.  Visit again in three months. 

Mon 22 Jun ---

U3A all day.  Keeps me busy and focussed.

Sun 21 Jun ---

00:01 - Happy Birthday to me.

I suppose being alone on your birthday or Christmas is - to a large extent ones own problem... you have to make yourself available for relationships, but if you've been a recurring failure at relationships, the you tend to hold your foot against the door...

This isn't a new feeling, I can remember the same thought set against Gilbert O'Sullivan's song when it was first released.

09:00 - Jen called for phone hugs.  Brekky = 3 pills.

Sat 20 Jun ---

14:00 - went to the local bakery to pig out on stuff I shouldn't... cheesecake, almond croissant etc. Yummm.

20:00 - Ya know what's funny?  Fifty years ago, I hated getting undies and socks as birthday resents.  Now they're looking pretty good!  I'll try to hold my breath for 24 hours until it goes away.

Fri 19 Jun --

Perplexed. I'm happy enough, but after the blow-out two mornings ago, FMA has not been in my room.   Without saying anything, now I'm wondering if I can work around this, or expect an unexpected surprise and have to go back to the 'tippy toes'!

08:30 - visit to GP.  All seems to be the same. 

Thu 18 Jun ---

10:45 - I'll get out of bed when i can think of a reason.

Where did I go wrong?  40 years as an adult, developed and gave away many things, but ended up with nothing of my own.  No smoking, drinking, drugs, trappings, just contribution - which I should feel good about, but I don't.

Those I've walked away from have money, my knowledge, my products, my work and my children.

I live in one room with no assets, savings, or income. I suppose I should be happy I'm not literally homeless!

12:15 - I'm sure the people I run across - doctors, AR in CBR, (and not many else) --- must be wondering 'is he still around?'.  'Why doesn't he go do something... bother someone else?'

Received an email that my claim on AMP insurance for overcharging premiums has been met with an offer of 50% settlement.   I wrote back that I'm in no position to battle them, but appeal to their deeper sense of what is right.  To be continued.

Wed 17 Jun ---

No news from AEC in Berlin (I think), I'd start being worried - if I could do anything, but she's capable, not stupid - but alone.  With her SIM card expired - that concerns me.  At least she's  happy - all she ever wanted to do was get out of the house when she turned 18 !

08:30 -- Dropped FMA off to work so I had her car for clinic.  Same old argument developed... That I'm to blame for everything because I don't communicate... on her terms.  ok I acknowledge I've given up on dealing with her, but everyone (!) else in the world simply doesn't respond or reply when I approach them.  I don't like it but I'm isolated and lonely... what I don't like is that diabetes is taking anything else away.

it seems Ariel has a different SIM card from her cousin. She has been in touch with FMA today - so at least she's alive!  Trickle feed update: AEC has told FMA that she's flying back over to Malaysia later today. 

Oh, BTW - I'm responsible for our kids being fiercely independent, because I didn't force the family to eat at the table together. it's my fault.

9:30 - Off to diabetes clinic, but why are these people trying to keep me alive?  

Today, I'm going to open a toll account for FMA and MADC - so they can run up their own bills.

Then over the weekend, I'll remove them from my tag.  It's just too much - especially from MADC

Today's whizz-words... Lonely, Purpose, Lost.   www.dilbert.com - the truth

Clinic visit - more of the same. New pills, a couple of blood tests, and an ultrasound in the next few weeks.  Good time fillers.

Went to U3A to check on stuff I was half way through.

Spent $73 on prescriptions!

FMA went out for the evening,

Tue 16 Jun --

Busy day. Drop FMA at work, U3A all day, then pay rent and back home.

I'd like to hear from AEC in Europe. it's been 5 days since last contact.  But I should be used to that!  

of contact with 5 people in that time, I have one reply (AECs boyfriend here in AU).  Nothing from anyone else. 

Mon 15 Jun --

Life might be easier if I wasn't an analytical / engineer personality.  I could just float through the fog of existence, letting the statues que drag me along into its wake.

07:00 - suggested FMA might learn to sleep on her side... I'm being held prisoner in my own snoratorium!  She didn't seem interested.

PHILOSOPHY FOR THE DAY: I certainly have to take responsibility for creating a toxic family environment...

I'm not sure what the genesis was, but if I had to guess, it is the different expectations of a fatalist philosophy over those of a practical.  Oil and water don't mix, and you can't ask one to become the other.

The real damage is done to children, who can't be asked to choose between one parent and the other in their belief system.  This is where fatalism is horribly destructive, as their is no option than to comply or die.  Apostasy, defiance or partial conformity are unacceptable.

In practical ideology, laziness is frowned upon, but not a capital offence... merely an indication that there needs to be able rethink of direction or priorities.  I have obviously makes one bad choices.

I really hate being me, where I am now.

Difficulty standing or walking for extended periods, unable to feel or hold things reliably, and no emotional advocacy.  Sucks.

Sun 14 Jun ---

I'm not special or unusual. but why at some point in one's life, do you become irrelevant?

in my case it was somewhere between 18 and 45 years of age.  The decline was slow and steady, but relentless, and unseen - until it was too late.  What's worse is that I had to identify it myself.  Community values were measured by completely different values... wealth, cars, holidays, and that material, transient stuff.

11:00 - FMA just left to go catering... MADC is still in the house in think... I'm cautious about doing anything for myself, as it may be construed in some perverse way that I'm putting myself above everyone else.   This just painful, that I'm afraid of my family.

I was just watching a documentary about a victim of false imprisonment, and it made me aware of how often this catch-all of administrators 'doing things by the book' is used.  The authors of the book could never have imagined all the possibilities.  What if this was one of those cases where a template or blueprint us a great starting point, or guide... but must not be seen as the final arbiter of common sense.

.

When I get the chance to talk with someone - professionally or privately, it seems like I'm living life by the hour.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not my problem, or a problem I can fix.

outreach websites... We can write about depression all week if we want, but a huge factor is being able to share or talk one-on-one, or in a group.  The risk is dragging others down in your depressive spiral, so this option is often not put on the table, and the sufferer is left in their self-imposed loneliness/isolation'.   Getting this far is a big step, but the next step is a lot bigger.

Sat Jun 13 ---

I'll think of something...

14:30 - nothing yet... just sitting and staring into the ether

If I dropped dead right now, no-one would notice.

Sure they'd find me later today or possibly tomorrow, but life goes on.

15:20 - day out... up to McDonalds for a slap-up meal by myself.

16:30 - came home, I was thinking about watching a recorded TV show in the lounge, but FMA arrived home as I was collecting myself.  End of plan. Back to bedroom.

19:00 - forgot we have to go to one of FMAs work birthdays

Just like the seventies,  I'm a shag on a rock with nothing to contribute.
Waiting to go back to my safe room...  Just being polite as I can. 

Fri Jun 12 ---

01:00 - Started a rewrite of CRC document for submission to potential research partners. 

10:00 - another week stumbles around.

Yesterday, I wrote to a Monash researcher,offering a coffee. No reply yet.

19:00 - chill out and start laying low for the weekend.

21:30 - watching Muriel's Wedding alone. probably not the best idea, but what else can I do?

If I had the means, normally I would have gone for a couple of hours long drive, but 5km is hardly worth it!  I'd kill for someone to talk to.

The view has changed.

I could get by if I was broke and unable to walk or go anywhere, but loneliness is the crushing force.

I haven't spoken a word to anyone today other than a few sentences of SMS to AR in Canberra. 

I've sent light hearted text to a couple of family members, but I guess they're too busy to reply?

Self doubt: Are CRC and Freedom/Diversiti really the underpinnings of great inventions, or just me hanging onto the last vestiges of possibility?  Unless I can explore them and 'know' I'll always have that question n my mind.  I feel like a deluded 'Dr Sheldon Cooper'!

Thu Jun 11 ---

09:00 - impatient, frustrated, despairing, lonely, worried... and some more words I can't think of.

Brekky at Subway...  the worst is emptiness.

Audit of local places to work with:

McDonalds

Subway

U3A

Woolworths 

Coles / Brandon Park

Jells Park

The Glen

Let's see.  Two billion educated people in the world, 1% (20 million) are industry or business decision makers...and so far, I haven't found any of them to seriously discuss any of my propositions, and got cheated by two if you include HydroAuditing as a waste of effort stolen by someone's else.

12:00 - just waiting for nothing to happen is like a panic attack in slow motion.

I feel like I should have (or should have already had) a nervous breakdown... but simply have no more energy to expend on frustration. it's certainly better than looking down all the time, but means I'm not looking up either.

Having a sense of humour and being creative helps.

18:30 - today's highlight was counting tablets into morning, lunch, evening trays.  woo-hoo!

I notice that I've been recording TV shows and movies, but only watch the first half or none at all... just bored to death. Stimulation please.

Wed Jun 10---

06:00 - Profound statement of the moment: Our society are becoming 'slaves to the machines', Objective precision rules over subjective reality and iteration - in the name if efficiency, profitability and cost-cutting...!  Our children may be the last of the 'free thinking' societies. 

power to them!

I mention this after watching McDonalds restaurants completely cocking up their business, and the mindless 'Pavlov's Teenagers' that are controlled by rosters, beepers and processes from the Hamburger University'- very sad!   I'm so glad now that I understand why AEC couldn't work at KFC.

It's blindingly obvious in hindsight.

You know what's sad... I'm just as likely to be the guy with the V, happy in the knowledge no-one will see my fingers, but others that can't see 'the big picture' will make simple incorrect assumptions!

Sigh.

14:00 - spent a couple pf hours helping a member of the U3A group - helping with her iPad, and adding a Bluetooth keyboard-cover to make it easier for her.  Spent $100 in the hope she'll remember to pay me back next week!  I copied the receipt just in case.

Tue 09 Jun ---

07:25 - just woke up to hear the garbage being collected. Oops, long-weekend, I forgot to put it out last night!  No big deal, as no-one else in the house even knows when the bin goes out.

I'll be in trouble in a few day's when they realise the bin has no more room!

14:00 U3A was satisfying.  Will go again tomorrow.

19:00 - Scanned a bunch of old photos, and sent copies to KFC in Sydney.

Just BTW, no reply from hardware supplier that has promised twice to give vendor support details... nor from old school contact about Freedom database...!

Mon 08 Jun --- Queen's Birthday

03:00 - Life: Exciting, rewarding - yes at times.   Happy, content - not that I can ever remember since about 15 years old... 

Very rarely jealous or envious, but certainly curious how life has rewarded incompetent, selfish morons... but that's just part of life - isn't it? And that's a hard call, as I've proven that I'm an incompetent moron with moments of selfishness!). I should have been more consistently selfish.

For whatever reason I can only remember settling for leftovers.  Not for lack of desire, drive or ambition.  I was always the nice guy other people came to for advice, then went on to their own success or happiness on whatever level.

I was perhaps too cautious in many situations, and missed opportunities to avoid risk, but I don't think that was a defining trait.  I just chose the wrong risk opportunities.  I was a chubby kid, and probably lacked peer confidence to,participate, so I was always the 'assistant coach' !

I don't think I was looking for too much. Maybe because I could see that I helped others so many times, I could have a little bit for myself.  Probably around 30, I started being resentful of my position... always a bridesmaid, never a bride!

09:30 - IAPH ,  ( It's another public holiday )... so I'm trapped in my room again with fond memories of not sleeping well last night. (read: someone was in my bed, farting and snoring). Luckily it's a king bed, so they're almost a meter away.

SOME RULES TO START FROM:

Don't get married until you're both at least 30yrs

Have children only when you can support them individually to 21 yrs old

Don't buy or commit to anything major because it's beautiful, perfect, or your partner needs it.  Buy it because you can fit it into your life voyage.

Don't trust anyone until you've known them in shared financial relationships for more than five years.

Popularity is much more important than it should be. 

Being a non-conformist is great for self-discovery, but shite for engaging with others. 

10:45- I'd really like some freedom to do stuff.  Being confined to a room with TV is hard.

Legs are no good one friends that I can bother. Trying unsuccessfully to save enough to fix and register the car, but the only reality I can honestly say is viable - is waiting to die.  Options gratefully received. 

Note to self: If you're not part of the solution, you're art of the problem.  Get out of the way.

I don't know what hurts more... the physical pain, or they emotional pain I've brought on myself.

Ya know what? I set various goals throughout my life and reached or surpassed all of them.  I explored, studied and created things which I felt could add value to society, and create a stable life platform for me... that worked out well.  I still believe CRC, Freedom and other projects are worthwhile, but no-one even wants to hear what they are.  That really pisses me off.

There are so many things I want to say.  Things I've invented, discovered or studied.. but no-one wants to know.  That makes my life meaningless.   What a waste.  My time's almost over.  Proposals with new techniques to reduce crime, improve education, revolutionise information management, enhance medicine... all roughly documented and tested, looking forward a lightnin rod to explore the viability.

My work history - just for completeness!

1974 - SSC&B;Lintas

1975 - Video-Tape Corp 

(Zilog, Digital, Freelancing, Nine Network assignment from VTC, Custom Video (Seven Network)

1985 - Return to Video-Tape Corp 

1987 - Asia-Pacific Videolab

1991 - Freelancing

1995 - MEASAT (Astro)

1998 - Philips DVS (Telstra & Seven)

2001 - mediaproxy

2008 - self - powerguard

2010 - Techtel (wasted)

2012 - Dataflex (wasted)

Sun  07 Jun --

02:30 - Farting and snoring (not mine) drove me to sleep in the lounge...

07:30 - Cooking garlic and onions drove me out of the lounge... hard to seal off, because heating sucks the smell in, and distributes it!

More hindsight... I doubt if AEC and MADC would be the people they are today without the early life experiences they had wit Emy - our Filipina maid in Makaysia.   I honestly don't think they would be who they are if only myself or FMA had beenvolved.   MADC loved Emy, and I feel that some of that has infused across to AEC, probably unconsciously.  Also a great role model has been MW in Penang.

This week AEC has been in Berlin, visiting W daughter no family - I think she's probably a great influence!

14:00 - finished helping Knowles with their PC & desktop.  Nice having face time with humans.

Went to see MADC at work, while waiting for FMAto reply to my message... no call after two hours,, but I enjoyed seeing the boy at work.

16:00 - long awaited call comes as I'm taking my shoes off!   I'm buggered. my legs and calves are aching.  Call again when you need a lift.

Sat 06 Jun ---

13:30 get up and out to buy a coffee.

16:00 - It just occurred to me that I've been living on around $10 a day average - since the start of 2012!

Character building, and occasionally boosted by good fortun, but sucked dry by other life events. 

Is it all that surprising that I'm giving up hope of being useful again?

Fri 5 Jun ---

Made the bed straight...   Subway, and frozen food shopping.  Day finished at 11 am.

Tendons are soo tight from lack of movement.  Aches and pains for ten years older.

13:00 - so tired of doing nothing.

I appear to dump on FMA for a lot, but I can certainly accept a lot of the blame... but one thing I have noticed - perhaps because of my spoiled, idyllic childhood - is that FMA has an almost non existent sense of home.  Family - without home - is important if you play by her upbringing and expectations, but we have lost all that because there are four entirely independent people in the family, so her hopes are dashed.

My idea of family is 'home' based, but that simply doesn't fit for some reason.  After leaving Asiabbhhhhhh, the house has always been like a transient stop, no sense of wall to wall continuity or harmony between decor, meals, activities or celebrations. We are relatives, not family.  We sometimes stay in the same house - not a home.

21:00 - By the time you read this it may be a bit late, but if you can think of a reason for me to live, just let me know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm in no hurry to go, but I'm not entirely convinced that I'd be any worse off!  I certainly don't want to be dependent on machines to live, nor be homeless in my current state of health.

Thu 4 Jun -

10:00 - Coffee out with BC. A good chat.

What would I do differently today if I had resources, security and/or health?  I don't know!

Would life be easier if I was delusional, in denial, or simply incompetent - so I didn't have to deal with my awareness?

Wed 03 Jun ---

08:00 - I have woken up, so I must still be alive!

Life has new purpose!  I have to stay alive until I stop.

21:00 - Something that's really important to me... I want people to know that I really have tried.  it seems that from the infrequent comments I hear, that I'm just sitting around waiting for something to come to me.  Yes, I have lost motivation, but even these days, I'm writing or contacting people in activities I think I can still contribute, just no luck yet.  Maybe no luck ever, but it isn't for lack of trying, but for lack of being understood, or heard - for whatever reason.

Tue 02 Jun ---

10:00 - Visit Dr AS for checkup.  Changed to Coveram.  more of the same. 

his view is that I'm not stuck in a bend, looking for light at the end of the tunnel,  but that I'm not turning my head - wearing blinkers, so I'm not seeing all the opportunities around me.

At this point, I think we're reading from different pages (or books).

12:30 - FMA still here. TV is my friend!

21:00- bored 

Mon 01 Jun --

06:30 - Rearrange the pillows. Another day waiting to die.  Honestly that's almost all I gave left to look forward to.

Even writing this is distressing, but I have to capture my outlook.  I won't go into retail, but just OEM down my resources and circumstances, and you'll teal use I'm not. too happy about the options.

(( I sent this today - to a couple of people I've been doing small jobs in the past...)))

As chirpy as I may sound sometimes - I'm not getting anywhere.Reality is that with my current resources, physical, and emotional ability - I'm effectively rearranging the pillows each day, waiting to die.
This attitude us extremely selfish, but in my mind - with what I have left to work with seems like the inevitable route.  I am severely restricted in moving around, and have nowhere to go even if I could.  My legs, hands and patience are useless for fine or extended work, and because of all this, my concentration on a complex task is often reduced to minutes at best.
Sorry for letting you down. I'll put together what notes I gave, and getting them back to you ASAP

12:30 - Eye Hospital called - but after my blood sugar is too good (7.1) for their tests.  Three months after all these years and it's all better.  Oh well, I suppose that's good.

15:00 - hospital called back - maybe a different research project can use me for Quality of Life studies...

Sun 31 May ---

Another wasted weekend.  No people, no places to go, just TV repeats.

17:00 - went out to eat pasta.  Why? because I wanted to eat somewhere other than in bed.

FMA has some of her friends over, so I'm back in my cage for now.

23:30 - I feel like anything I want to is pointless. Look for something to eat, why?

Watch TV? Why?  Go to sleep?  Why?  Nothing ever changes when I arrive at the other side.

Design something? Why?  I've proven many times when I was physically able - that I could create new things, do new things, and people liked them..l but no-one would even talk to me about developing them... now I'm unable, Eden that stimulation is gone. 

Sat 30 May ---

07:00 - I wake up. I'm aware of the world around me. I didn't die in my sleep. FMA walks through room, I close my eyes and hold my breath... so she thinks I'm still asleep. ok. 

Luckily I didn't have a stroke or minor heart attack overnight. Unfortunately, I have to bear through another day of 'nothing'. and repeat it again tomorrow and every day after that.  Do you understand why I'm looking for something else?  I could abandon my life and become a literal slave to FMA and her beliefs, but I'd rather leave and die (which is probably what will happen anyway!)

10:30 -Maybe I'm not listening... but I know this.  the things you need to succeed are-- and my current engagement with each element --

1. initiative       80% falling
2. resources      5%
3. partners       20%
4. competence 70% falling
5. support        25%
6. opportunity 80%
7. an audience 90%

- this applies regardless if you're offering a product, yourself or an invention. 

Health is important to  the individual, but not the success of an initiative.

Fri 29 May --

10:00 - Subway brunch, a chance to get out and read newspaper. 

As much as I withdraw from FMA presence in the house, I must acknowledge that she's the only human I have regular contact with... since other than TV, I'd have very little idea of how other world engages.  That's why U3A is important when I have the courage to go there.

20:00 - FMA is hammering something in the kitchen, so I've retired to my room - until she invades later.

I Was just thinking how I don't have any space to call my own... The bedroom is supposed to be mine, but has an interloper that I don't want. if I suggest the lounge be set some particular way, it would only last a few weeks until it was rearranged for a prayer meeting.  if I suggest the fridge or cupboards might be better organised another way, it is shot down - as I don't use the kitchen (because I can't find anything and have no ownership)... Catch-22

I actually do have 90% authority over my bathroom, so I guess that's better than nothing.

I buy the paper and toilet cleaner... and hang my undies over the shower door!

I- and to be fair, I prefer to my own laundry in order that I get everything back.

feeling stateless makes me lose interest in doing anything in these spaces, as I feel like a transient and have no importance in my own home.

20:40 - I believe her friend is visiting later - so we may get some awful frying smell in a while...what to do.

Thu 28 May ---

Today is normal for me, and that's a real problem.

it's 13:45, and I'm still in bed with no plan or outlet other than to see the psych tonight at 19:00

I feel like I'd like to go out and see, meet or be somewhere, but as far as I know, I would just be standing in front of someone else wasting their time... they have a life and responsibilities, why should I steal their time?

I would head out on a bus to the cinema, but where's the fun in that if you're alone?  

Same going out for a meal. 

I was just doing the maths, and the government is paying me a wage of $6 per hour, supplemented by my own super' at $3 an hour - to die quietly, and not cause disruptions. 

I've been thinking about selling my car again, but it would just cover the debt one itself, and leave me with not way to get out - especially when my extremities get worse... but they want o block my rego in September anyway - for disputing a ticket!  So I pay the penalty, and still have no transport, and can't afford their rego anyway!

I feel like I may as well be bedridden. I'm learning to be worthless, as the role fits.  I'm not Kanye West or Michael Schumacher... popular and successful.  I want to be me, but it seems that I'm off the menu.

14:30 - postman arrived.  a cheque for the psychiatrist (good timing!), and a letter from traffic court (which I won't open until I'm more resilient).  Fuck them.  I'm already in the shit, more shit doesn't make it any worse.

15:30 - Feeling just so alone. Headache, no outlet or interaction with anyone at all.
I ate some frozen curry earlier, but no motivation to do anything.
I'm so inward looking at the moment, I avoid even calls from those people I have things that I could possibly work with  - so I don't have to say I'm useless in this state... although they have a pretty good idea!  No use them feeling I can deliver if I meltdown like this.

17:45 - Today has been awful,like you vying inside my own fear.  I feel like it would be better to get sedated rather than live like this.

21:00 - Dr AG session was great to talk to someone that is actually listening (@$500/hour !)...   His initial thoughts after the first session three weeks ago, with my observations - are that the good and bad of my life up to around 2005, formed my possibly bi-polar traits and self-dependency...  but did not equip me to handle the personal problems that arose after that time, maybe exacerbated by DHC passing, and MP events.

The next challenge is probably to identify a psychologist pre-armed with that knowledge - to help me put those concerns in the past, then find the tools to address what I am left holding - for better or worse.  I'm optimistic, but don't think it will be an overnight solution.  Next date in three weeks, or get redirected to a suitable psycho.

Wed 27 May ---

04:00 - I wake up, or just fill my idle time - wondering where the next 'challenge' will come from... money, health, authority?  I know there's no conspiracy or ulterior 'grand plan', but why can't I get ahead - or just level?

04:22 - I found an article that just ruined my day... https://naralogics.com/

it seems like someone else is getting closer to Freedom/Diversiti after trying to pitch it for 20 years.   To be fair, I guess it was inevitable. Having money gets attention,   Th connection to CRC still seems a bit further off. Maybe I can win there.

05:15 - If I wasn't discouraged already, that's the cherry on top.  if it's what I think it is, then that's officially my last opportunity to succeed professionally.  All the other aspects of my life is already stuffed.

06:25 - It's a relatively small, insignificant thing, but I feel even more vulnerable and irrelevant than I did two hours ago.  it's probably time to give up, downsize and get ready for the endgame.  The 'best advice' is to reach out to support organisations, but all they seem to do is hand out leaflets and advertise on TV.  Depression, despair and loneliness is an unpopular topic, and I've put myself in this situation over a span of forty years - I'd worked on and off toward creating a light at the end of the tunnel for myself and others in similar circumstances... but I find myself alone in the tunnel, the candle is burning down - and no train coming. Just sitting in the dark on the cold, damp ground.

I'm going to see if I can finish repair for Alan in the next day or two, and return the meters to Bruce... I don't think I can honestly accept small projects any more, as my emotional state is driving me crazy. I have the tools and skills, but between nerve symptoms, and anxiety/outlook problems - I'm only a shell of my former self unless I'm in a group... and I can't find a group that wants me!

Remember I did register that domain - BIGcrazy.net... Before I Go crazy !

A couple f months ago, I was recorded as having narcissistic tendencies by a doctor that met me for less than ten minutes... 

IS THIS ME?

• Rarely if ever took responsibility in a conflict. 
• Have long histories of cutting off from people rather than repairing their relationships. 
• Have grandiose ideas of their own importance, either feeling that they were better than other people, or that things were particularly hard for them. 
• They had trouble putting themselves aside for the needs of others.
• Secretive and viewed empathy and connection with great suspicion.
• Who could ever understand them? They were different and special. 
• Avoid therapy altogether, or used therapy as a way to feel  more entitled to have things his way. 

Ouch. That hurts.

19:00 - Went to Dr AG appointment.... no one there!
Found the text reminder - dated tomorrow... ?!
OK, I'll accept I made a mistake.  I can hear in my mind when his receptionist said 27th... and put it into my calendar while I was standing at the counter last time. 

Tue 26 May ---

03:40 - I think I miss human interaction more than being busy. 

The U3A sessions allow me to meet, talk and listen. While not being paid they let me feel that I'm appreciated in a small way.  of course earning a salary would be nice, but the most important element is engagement.  Money would help me get around, as it gets harder over time. 

Evening... Still no reply from electronics supplier that 'was interested' in my flea market idea - despite three follow-up messages... silence.  I really am invisible, even as a paying customer!

Mon 25 May ---

High point today will be helping the computer group out at the retirement village.. 

I have no idea what else I should try.

09:00 - I can't think of a reason to get out of bed yet.   If I suspend belief in myself and my propositions for whatever - technology etc... what do I have left as motivation? #HOPELESS?

10:30 - I don't know what's different today, but I'm back in that mood of not caring about anything.  

if I dropped off the map right now, I'd be happier than I am sitting here useless.

I am, and always have been socially awkward. I remember my first dates as non-events. my fear of being disrespectful, or being 'uncouth' meant that I was trapped between peer pressure, social norms of the time, and my upbringing... all with slightly different expectations.

Sun 24 May ---

I was fascinated, discouraged today - to read of more tech millionaires' that have become wealthy from social media developments r games.  I know I take life too seriously (I am over 30), but where is an ongoing contribution to 'value' or life in an online game or social media platform?

Most of them will be unknown in 2-5 years, yet have sucked the personality out of millions of hopeful future citizens.  Maybe this is the latent pessimist in me, but looking for a bright future is getting harder every week.

07:30 - I also realised that without any space of my own, and the inability to leave uncomfortable situations, I'm a prisoner in very many ways.  so I'm not typical, why do I have to conform to others's values in my own presence?

AEC had a tattoo done in Barcelona!    Picasso's Girl with Dove, just above her knee!  it's classy, a bit more up-front than I'd choose, but as line art, it's async to cover or have removed if she's decides later...!

Sunday out... Looking good!

• I'm an apple in a sea of oranges.
  You'll never find me, because one of us is in the wrong place!

• Ask me to get a light bulb for you...
  There are four or more questions before I can help.,,,
  But the popular approach is to try several different bulbs until you find one that is 'good enough'
  That's just not the way I work.

I've gotta say that I'm glad VJC, mum and dad aren't here to see me in my lane, tormented position.... and JJC is only vaguely aware of my. despair.  I'm most concerned about the residual effect it has on AEC and MADC, but I hope they are ok.  FMA may not be helping, but that's for her to reconcile, it's my problem. 

Sat 23 May --

Waking to thick smell of deep frying... why can't that go outside?

The whole house stinks, and is hard to breathe even 30 mins after the cooking is finished.

If Allah says it's ok, it must be.

10:00 - heading out to get Subway brunch. Can't see any leftovers.
13:00 - I'm just not interested in doing anything. One way or another it will come back to bite me.

I really like happy endings, but I don't see one on my horizon yet.

Fri 22 May ---

07:00 - Basically, I'm more afraid of living in an ever-shrinking box, than I am of dying... but I'm not too keen on either!  An interesting way to ask the question.

09:00 - Podiatrist - nice guy.  Same again in August.

I feel quite guilty.  Maybe at this age,  I should just shut-up and sit down.  I had my chances and blew it.  Perhaps I don't deserve any more.  

But... one thing that bothers me, is that applying the fundamentals of CRC, I can see fairly clearly where everything has gone off track.  if I could find an audience, I believe it could help countless other people and communities.  www.SL4P.net/crc -discusses how life acquires and acts upon situations an experience.  Ok, I'm a bit different, but not stupid or worthies!

oh shit...

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”
― Albert Camus

Should I feel grateful to live in a 'wealthy' developed country, or would I have been better left to fall aside in a poorer developing community?  it's an important question behind the individual's right to dream or expect more!

13:45- a quick question... How do the unemployed afford tickets today the footy, pokies, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and other vices on top of food, a car and the basic cost of living?  I really can't understand that.   Please tell me one day!

17:30 - I'm so stupid.  I feel,like eating, so I tried to be positive, and ask if FMA wanted take-away KFC (which she likes).... but I forgot she asked me to buy for her a couple of days ago.  Appetite lost. Done. No dinner.

One of my problems is judging myself - so it's a very short jump to being uncomfortable... thinking that everyone around me is judging me too.  Not a failure in my own eyes, but obviously not living up to something (which I'm not aware of), but I've never been a social success - so it seems that whatever it was I failed at it!  Running from a shadow.

I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Watching other people enjoy life - while I don't. Is this greedy

I'd really like to be part of the real world, but it seems they don't want me the way I am. What's alarming is that I worry I may die or have a stroke in my sleep, and try to place myself so that any fluids won't damage furniture or fittings - not to be a burden when I'm gone... my choice is cremation for the same reason, but FMA won't allow it. Sheesh.

The kids are in the very dire position of having to 'look after' FMA when I'm gone and she's no longer able to provide for herself. Sorry kids., I really am. I hope you can work around that.

SIGNIFICANT DETAIL

I suppose I should add some perspective from long before these diaries were started..l

A couple of years after we arrived back in Australia (around 2001), I realised that I was still in the marriage purely for the kids. I have never had a good record for holding on to a relationship, but I was determined that AEC and MADC would not befall the distorted single belief that crippled KFC and. SJC back in the late 80s. 

The latter two were, and still are exceptional, but with FMAs cultural background, she was obliged to guide them into becoming members of her community - even if was a lost cause.  I think the kids have forged their own belief systems, respectful of their mother's position, and of what I've tried to do.

The combined inflexible nature of FMAs ideological outlook, our ages, and my bohemian-like stubbornness meant that common ground could never last the test of time.  I have other feelings, but it isn't necessary for me to say things without offering a right of reply, and I'm basically a chicken.

Thu 21 May --- (one month until I feel even less relevant!)

07:00 - I'd like to understand why the 'authorities' believe it is necessary to pass my needs, failings a weaknesses on to the next generation. As an individual with no social constructs, income or health, my world is being shrunk by faceless bureaucrats... without having an opportunity to discuss their narrow view of how the world works... that have no idea what it's like when your only chance to meet other people is local shopping, the pharmacy doctor appointments or the little bit of volunteering I do.  In September they're closing the door on all that, as I can't walk well enough to get around reliably - and of course I still have to pay out the balance of the car I can't use or sell... all to help a simpleton computer system justify its manager's existence!  My gripes are nothing compared to the future path society is taking.

08:45 - I really hate feeling sorry for myself.  I'd much rather be contributing to some worthy cause within my ability.   If I could walk properly, or find some rewarding engagement to take my mind off things.. that would be great.  Whether I could sustain it with my state of mind and dumbass hands - I really don't know.

09:20 - Are you f***ing kidding?  Received an email from Centrelink asking for additional proof of identity.
There is no more to give.  I gave everything - not enough - then spent a small fortune on getting a birth certificate from NSW - now that's not enough.  I'll go in today - to fill some time and see how much more of my remaining life they can waste!

12:00 - Finished Centrelink.  They had the details - but couldn't find the actual documents. Apparently it's not all that unusual!  They sighted and copied the originals again (!)
Then went to pharmacy to buy refills of medications. Easy.

13:00 - Decided to get a blood & urine test for fun (Centrelink didn't need it after all).
Easy-peasey and then bought myself a pizza as a sin.
I'm so uncharacteristically angry nowadays. I don't like it at all.

I feel like I'm afraid to move or do anything - at all - in case I further destabilise my already fragile position.

I realise that I have very little to complain about, but I've gained an insight to why people that lack a voice, or aren't heard by society - lash out.  it's overwhelming frustration at not being allowed to be themselves, Ireland express a different opinion.

I'm sure it is not normal that the only engagement in my life is to fix problems in those bodies that are supposed to progress the wellbeing of society.  I'd much rather be doing something else, but between isolation and lack of income, I need those resources which I'm obliged to 'fix' in order to use them!

I'm not paranoid, just afraid of finding myself on the side if the road one day, without means or opportunity.

Wed 20 May --

Am I really as intelligent as I think, or simply deluded?

if deluded, then I'm in really big trouble since everything else about me is broken!

The worst thing you can do to a creative, different mind - is lock it out of society.

The focus becomes inward and self-critical on a level many people can't imagine.

.

Things are getting delayed, and it's not right to let disharmony at home affect my ability to deliver promises.  How do I get her out of my room - even though it's her house?

Sheriff wants to de-register my car in September for non-payment of a ticket (which I have disputed several times), but they can't be wrong - so I must be.  Oh well, without my 5km drives, I may as well sign off now!  Good luck, I'll keep driving if necessary to shops until they lock me up or seize the car (it doesn't work so well anyway)!  Bank can suck my sausage if there is no car to pay for.

09:30 - Work:  I see a few ads on seek and other sites, but with my absence, they are looking for skills and (years of) experience in tools that I've never even heard of!  I really am a dinosaur.  As a result - I'm applying for fewer and fewer positions  (so getting even less than zero replies now).

11:00 - It's not news, but I'm feeling like my use-by date is well and truly past.

As a person that strives to create creative differences, I'm not welcome in any forum, any more.

I don't have a real world presence, I don't like virtual presence, and when I reach out am ignored or 'deleted'...

Let's see where the opportunity of despair takes me!

I'll give up for a while.  Let the world spin without me trying to help! 

Bed & TV are ok, as long as I don't have to do anything, as it is seems I am out of touch with reality - as well as my family, hands, the ground and my career.

Fighting the world is non-productive, but I really can't see any other way to keep my head sane and above the looney line. I guess a time will comeback when I don't have a choice, and the next step will be obvious.

13:00 - today, I'm reluctant to even get out of bed, as the reinforcement I'm experiencing says that whatever I touch - I will make worse in some way,  I'm getting desperate.

OK, time for some philosophy!

Not withstanding my own situation, I'm beginning to understand why the world is such an angry place - from the individual through to whole nations and societies.

Since business and government became fixated on efficiency, and the use of objective systems - individual variations simply made their job harder, so our societies have been forced through law and ideology to choose an approved path to mute the growth of variations - and the associated cost, or impact on profitability.

We have suppressed the opportunity for subjective evolution and developments that may have longer term ambitions - in favour of 'the quick and easy' objective 'everything is a number' approach to satisfy the immediate.  Perfect for short cycle political ambition and commercial gain.

Those previously muted 'subjective' or individual variations are now using ever louder methods to get their ambitions or propositions heard... war, insurgency, terrorism and extreme individual protest come to mind.

If mainstream society insists on sticking their fingers in their ears - then expect the protest to get louder.

What I seem to need for survival... with the partial Centrelink payment and my super pension... this sounds like I'm making plans - Not really, just assessing what I live with each day.

>> Bedroom w/bed (maybe)

>> TV & DVR (ok)

>> Fridge & freezer

>> Microwave (ok) & Toaster oven  

>> Computer & printer (ok)

>> Internet (ok) (desk & chair)

>> Small desk for making my gadgets (ok)

>> Phone over VoIP  (ok)

>> Bathroom with handbasin, shower & toilet

>> Linen, bowls, cutlery - not much needed

>> Access to a laundry

>> myki concession (dependent on Centrelink status)

23:15 - I'm struggling. I have no desire to sleep, since I haven't done anything today... and have no motivation to do anything tomorrow.  I know there are things I could/should do, but I'm just not interested in life, as whatever I do, the same lack of a horizon will be back again within hours.

Tue 19 May ---

AEC asked me to sort out her SIM card, but after an hour, and multiple messages, I seem to haven brushed off?!

A couple of weeks ago... I volunteered for a research gig at the Eye Hospital in town today... no idea what's needed or how many sessions, but one thing I have is time !

11:30- Goood exercise.  Bus and train, then walking in the rain for 1km!

kinda disappointing, but I had nothing else to do.

14:00 - Eye hospital was fun. it's really nice meeting people and making conversation.  Even drawing blood is worth it if there's a friendly chat included!

I'm not sure how to solve this... I'm tempted to try completing some small hobby work that's been sitting on my desk, but FMA has settled into my bedroom for a rest (again).  So I'm told not to disturb her sleep - in my room!  Of course I'm restless and want to do things, but I'm insensitive because I interrupt her invasion of my space.

She does this most days or nights, but I'm reluctantt to point out that she nominated the rooms we occupy, but has spanned all the free space now.  If I rock the boat, realistically my only option to vary the status quo is to become homeless - as I can't afford to rent anything.  I hate these circumstances, being held hostage to my good upbringing.  I can see the value in being a bastard, but it's too late.

I can also see this home situation going pear-shaped one day. Probably when two kids move out finally, but it will be painful!

I don't like being so 'angry' but it gives me a weak sense of closure of my frustrations.

I must be honest, I find it a lot safer not to engage in any meaningful conversation with FMA, as it typically becomes criticism or dismissive of what I am trying to do... as simply wrong, or not halal.

it is impossible to have a different agenda from someone that is subscribed to a fatalist ideology.

I guess what I'm looking for is that my opinion or suggestions are valued and rewarded,  

The prevailing indications, despite my inner belief in myself -  are that I have no value or relevance to anyone, anytime, ever.  ?My fate is sealed by no fault? of my own.

22:00 I just realised that Hyacinth Bucket has more contact, and receives more phone calls than I do!

Mon 18 May ---

07:00 my address? Penitence, Purgatory, He'll,

Not sure what I did to get here, but every step I take during every waking moment is a step closer to where I am already.  At least I'm happier in my own company, but unable to step away without a means to support myself.

21:00 - I am appreciated, I just don't know by whom, or what for!

Sun 17 May ---

A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about a small hobbyist stall at markets etc, but after my first contact the main supplier hasn't responded to my further enquiry.  He suggested a reseller account but hasn't returned when I expressed interest - despite saying he thought my idea was interesting.  I'll try again by phone tomorrow, but WTF?  I try but get nowhere!

I know - whether because I'm worn down, or because I really am incompetent... my skills and abilities are sinking over the past few years. I'd like to share forty years, but that is limited by my 5km radius, and apparent lack of marketability.  

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I'm usually more comfortable just sitting doing nothing than being ignored and rejected.

Sat 16 May ---

I don't feel physical pain... no nerves.

I don't go to funerals... no friends

I used to have children... too hard to balance their needs with FMA DEMANDS

I used to be happy in life... now I don't have one.

I suppose if I had to paraphrase - I fit into society like a sack of irrelevant shit.

My delusion is that i have skills.

I know this is an irrelevant benchmark, but I see people on the news, movies and TV - that seem to enjoy their life.  Social events, laughter, friends.  Why am I unable to have those experiences for the last twenty years?  Is it the result of a mixed culture marriage - in my case probably - combined with my peculiar sense of commitment and intensity.  Sigh.

Let's look on the bright side.

I have a computer, but nothing to do on it with my outdated skills.

I have a car (almost worth the finance balance!) but limited to 5km trips.

I gave a phone, but no-one to call or answer.

I have a place to stay for now, but I guess any items I have (bed, TV etc) should be with FMA and kids.

So that's what I have to show for my existence.

I've been to submissive to others, and now it seems too late - as if I know what to do anyway!

Every day blurs into the next - every day. Bed, meds, TV, toilet.

on a good day, I'll go buy some more frozen meals, meds, or help out at U3A

but I don't feel rewarded - just existing unti the next event.

The emotional me says my frustration is caused by others in my life.... while the rational me says that I'm the common denominator - and odds are that I'm the weak link... but I have no idea what I've done that should flash back on me to this degree.

Fri 15 May ---

The world is a dark place if you're a bit different. Conform or be isolated in the name of conservatism.

I watched a documentary on Alan Turing - I can certainly feel for many of his thoughts as a non-conformist.

Eye hospital called to see if I'd like to have participate in a program they're doing... why not.

A coupl of hours next Tuesday - may help the fix someone!

18:45: I feel like eating, but FMA is in the house ... I'm afraid to go to the kitchen for fear of being badgered about food, cleaning, AEC, or whatever is on the agenda today.

Thu 14 May ---

10:00 AECs flying from KL to London (14:00 -- I've just learned via Singapore) this morning... no-one seems interested in telling me anything?!

I've been asking for an agenda for several weeks... silence.

it's not that I don't care or not interested - but I simply don't get any feedback to anything... ever.

I don't lack confidence in my limited remaining ability, but it seems like I'm a pariah for some reason...?

I offer to help, discuss advise or contribute in any way I can, but generally don't even get a response, or 'I told xxx- ask them'.

I'm just tired of trying.   I have the same feelings as I did a year ago, 'just waiting to die'.

Thought: Maybe I'm guilty of 'over sharing'.  Boorish?

I like to engage and be interested in what's going on around me, but that seems to be unwelcome nowadays....? oh well.  I'm just past my use-by date!

14:00  I'm so bored.

Wed 13 May --

it's frustrating. Not only being unable to feel small things, but also working in complete isolation.

No colleagues to bounce off, and no shared resources to research while developing ideas.  ?Just me.

Mon.11 May --

DASS tests seem to provide an indication of your self-image and perceived self-worth.

My issue is not confidence in myself, but that I seem unable to reach otters (professionally) with my ideas... making myself an island.  Invisible if you will.

Sun 10 May---

Part of my problem is -

If you can't get somewhere, or you can't afford to be somewhere, or you can't reciprocate the offer, then you probably shouldn't be there.

Sat 9 May ---

 A sense of purpose, reward and engagement are the most important things.

Fri 8 May---

AEC parcel returned by PO again!   I'm so tired of fighting 'the system'.  I'm sure the terms are rational, but why can't they figure them out at the beginning?

My tolerance to failing is very low.  I'd rather not try than fail again.

Thu 7 May ---

Visited Dr AG this evening.  The question remains the same... 'Why am I invisible'. 

Thinking afterward, (think I've said this before)... I always worked for satisfaction, not specifically the money... when the money dried up, I was unprepared - despite taking the steps to ensure financial security with MP.   I think people don't understand that I can be happy, while carrying long term anxiety and fear of abandonment.

One issue I missed which may not be relevant to his discipline, is my loneliness and isolation... may be in part due to my stubbornness.  

Tue 5 May ---

FMA is not working today (?) - so I'm confined to bedroom.  Much easier than having painful conversations with her.

I did get out tp collect nerve test results from clinic - so that was exciting

Mon 4 May ---

More nothing.

I actually have a couple of small tasks, but my motivational n is gone.

Wed 29 Apr ---

I wonder where I can find a life...

AEC is going overseas tomorrow overnight, and is not planning to be here until we depart for the airport.    I'm going to miss her (not) around the house a lot.

I hope I'm still here when she comes back.

Just saw an episode of Gilmore Girls - makes me think I'm 'obsolete'.

Sometimes I feel guilty not being the things I should be for AEC and MADC

20:00 - Strangely enough - if FMA is home, I'm 'afraid' to use the kitchen or any other room than my bedroom - as I know I'll be told what I'm doing wrong, have done wrong, or what someone else is doing wrong.  I don't need that - I have enough issues of my own!
An example - I wanted to go to the kitchen / laundry - but I would have to walk past FMA in the lounge.  Too great a risk.

Tue 28 Apr ---

Sent an update of Freedom/Diversiti to Charles H. He seems to like the idea.

Mon 27 Apr ---

05:00 - I'd love to understand myself, and what my purpose is in life.

It certainly hasn't come together yet, despite several false starts. Family, Creative, Work... What should I have been?  Is it too late to find out?

Sat 25 Apr ---

I'm always in a hurry or have a s nose of urgency.. in order to not 'miss out', or to be prepared.  I don't like to let people down, some I guess it's a form of pre-compensation that helps me know that I've done my best.  I don't feel that I'm a perfectionist, but more that I rather meet expectations sooner than later!

Of course I realise I have no 'rights' but I really feel like an uninvited guest at 'home'....  I can't wait to repair my car, then look for work, and hopefully find some independence again.

I'm not sure what FMA will do when everyone has moved out.

Wed 22 Apr ---

I used to stumble into each day and project with some passion and confidence.  My level of uncertainty is so high now, that even though I know what I want to do, and have enough competences to do it (I won't start unless I'm confident of beingbable to add to the knowledge), I'm afraid to start - because I may not have the resources or strength to finish, or may be unable to present /convince the receiver it is the right thing.  I am living pretty much from day to day - to avoid risk, or letting others down.

Tue 21 Apr ---

Nothing to catch up on - so I may refocus on making an IR adapter for Clift / Skilltech.

Time for a new front & back t-shirt... Funny HaHa, and Funny Peculiar 

Mon 20 Apr ---

08:30 - Went to Centrelink to hand in the Birth Certificate - they said they already had a copy...!

I had to tell them that I already uploaded it last week, after struggling with the system - but was told that was insufficient...    Later: Success! - CL paid into bank account ($109 too much!  I was pre-warned ??!)

Sun 19 Apr ---

07:32- I must have something missing in my life.  I have tablets, and a bed.  What else could I need?

It's kind of a reaction... "The world doesn't want anything to do with me or my opinions... so I reciprocate". -- not very smart, but it seems to protect me in a short-sighted way.

21:00 - FMA has a bunch over for dinner. I'm not interested in connecting or participating, as it is clear to me that I live in a different world from most of the human race.  My loss.

Fri 17 Apr ---

05:20 I'm sure more people are harmed by Centrekink than are helped. Bottom line.

The anxiety, stress and frustration caused by their purely black & white, non- listening policy is enormous.  I'm very close to giving up.

(They are well helped by other policy driven organisationps with open-loop delivery methods.... but that does reduce accountability!)
09:30 - Visit to doctor for regular status check... nothing special--- changed some medication.
14:00 - Birth Cert arrived.
15:30 - Scanned and tried to upload to Centrelink, but as usual their web site is not working again for document uploads.  Called the support line, and they said I should take the certificate to a branch office tomorrow.  That's automation & customer service efficiency.

We'd 15 Apr ----

Visit to Diabetes clinic at Clayton.

I should just. work for CL!  My life consists of sitting around - waiting for information that I have to collect for them!  When I have resources, I'm trying to create activities and opportunities, but that gets interrupted by the wasted time spent on Centrelink pursuits.

Tue Apr 14 ---

I know this sounds like moaning - but I find it incredibly unfair that I have to stop and re-plan every moment of my life because of fumbling by various bureaucratic departments.  Centrelink stop support because they didn't give adequate awareness of incomplete ID ....  Birth Certificate order lost between departments in NSW, while I hobble (literally) from day to day - to accommodate 'the rules' they don't follow themselves.

Last week, I could see a path forward... I was saving to repair the car... was eating well... now I have to stay alert in case my allowance has gone forever or a lengthy period.   I may be overreacting, but I can't be sure if I'm not in controls f my own destiny.

Mon 13 Apr ---

00:20... What does it do to a person if their channels of expression are very limited?
11:30 - I went to do some washing - but, as usual, the washed & dryer are still full of items.  I only do washing every 2-3 weeks, and more often than not, I can;t get to the machines... !   If (she) decides to take my clothes when I'm not around - they get washed, but I never see them again!
--- I know I could restart the wash/dry cycles that are already in the machines, or take the 'done' washing out - but it's not washed and it's not dry - just sitting their festering.  At least it's not my clothes as far as I know!

Also received an e-letter from Centrelink (dated 9 April) asking me to report on the 31 March for the period to 01 April.   I understand now... ?  I'll wait until I get the birth certificate copy - it's not worth dealing with their confusing system unless you really have to!

Sun 12 Apr ---

What sucks today is that my dependent income from Centrelink is uncertain again... if they wanted extra ID, why didn't they say so two months earlier?

Walls closing in again.  Cautious to go out at all, or even to buy 'extra' food items. 

Sat 11 Apr ---

Fri 10 Apr --- 

Thu 09 Apr ---

Just being me.

Wed 8 Apr ---

Received a letter from Centrelink - saying my allowance has been cut off - because I didn't provide them with additional ID.  Regardless of the fact I called them two days before the due date to advise that I had not yet received the birth certificate which was ordered from NSW...

Called CL, but while they have a record of my call, and offered an extension at that time, I was transferred to another lqueue - to talk to someone else in the 'allowance' department.

Sent an enquiry email off to NSW to see what the status of the birth certificate order is...  the web site says up to ten days...  great.  

Next guy comes on the phone... nothing can be done.
Called BDM - thay say it 'might' be ready end of this week.  No way to checkl, as it is another department!    Back online to buy another 'expedited' Birth Certificate for $71  (angry now)

Tue 7 Apr ---

Bugger. It's school holidays this week. FMA will be in the house.  I wasn't expecting that!

Had to spend on a car battery... even though I'm only doing 5km at a time, the battery wouldn't hold a charge reliably.

Mon 6 Apr ---

Public holiday, so hiding in bedroom... Why am I afraid to go into the house when FMA is home? 

Sun 5 Apr ---

I feel caged. no outlet for my own interests, yet 'forced' by guilt to fulfil the social commitments of others.  I'd like to live my own life again!  Sadly that appears unlikely, so I guess I'm going to piss off a few more people when i dont always do what they want...

Longest weekends are horrible, including this case, twice as long hiding from FMA's expectations of what my life should be. 

Sat 4 Apr ---

Almost all better!

Leaders can only lead if there are others willing to follow, or listen. 

Followers are those unwilling or incapable of leading.

You can't sit on the fence... that's a spectator.

Fri 3 Apr ---

Happy birthday to FMA.  Good Friday, is that a conflict?

She had a bunch of people over last night.  Too much for me, I laid low.

An interesting conversation with AEC.. whailed out on a driving lesson. identifying FMA as having a 'dependent' personality. Always looking for others to be happy with her effort - unable to be happy in her own achievement...!impossible to please, because she is not looking in the right places.

Wed 1Apr ---

Early start.. visit Eye Hospital in the city.

.Followed FMA to visit her friends house. Maintain the peace, but it will come back on me as a sign that I want to engage... no thanks

Mon 30 Mar ---

Brunch with VB at Jells.  My buy to repay for last time!  Pleasant, relaxed and therapeutic.

Sat 28 Mar ---

IMP words... notwithstanding the roots, and adj/adv variations of each word!

impatient  impossible  impotent  impetuous

impractical  impolite  impervious  imperious

impenetrable  impressive  impersonal  impediment

impregnable  impish  implausible  impinge

imprint  important  import  imply  implicate

impostor  impose  impregnate  impart

impending  impeach  impair  implode  implore

imperfect  impeller  impute  impale  

      <no dictionary yet!>

Fri 27 Mar ---

I don't recall anything special happening today.

Thu. 26 Mar ---

it seems the trick to living a long, not necessarily happy life, is to just 'sit down and shut up'...

- I recall hearing that somewhere else a couple of years ago". SD/SU

19:45 - I don't think I've said a word to a single person today! Back to normal.

Wed 25 Mar ---

Last visit to podiatrist... foot is almost completely healed, but neuropathy will always be a problem.  I already knew that.

22:00 - FMA came to ask/tell me that her friends from Malaysia are arriving tomorrow, and their planned accomodation has fallen through.  Can they stay here?  Me: Sure, let them stay through the weekend while they arrange somewhere else, otherwise there will be awkward misunderstanding if they 'hang around'....

Bzzzz. Wrong answer. She wants them to stay (forever?) in her room (the one she doesn't use). 

Sorry, not on my watch. 

Stony silenced ensues. It looks like I may be looking for somewhere else to stay! 

Tue 24 Mar ---

Ok, I have money to eat, my foot is almost healed. Now what?

I'm still looking for a purpose that I can fulfill from my room, or within 5km of home. that can be done without fingers or lengthy standing..

I must one of a select minority that have been told professionally -
-) You're effectively unemployable.
-) Been appointed the Chief Engineer of a multi-national professional technology company.
-) "The boss has no idea what you do, but he loves that you do it accurately and fast."
-) When resigning as a Senior Systems Design Engineer for another multi-national tech company...
"I didn't know you aren't a graduate engineer."
-) and many more.
------------ We need more rubber stamp stereotypes.

Mon 23 Mar ---

Visit clinic today.  Blood test and show off almost healed foot.

Thanks to all, now I need to reverse eight years of work BS.

Doc is looking for a psychiatrist to work with me -to see what makes me tick! ?bipolar?

Sat 21 Mar ---

I guess it's part of growing older, but it would be an improvement if I was 'relevant' to someone for some purpose!

AEC and MADC are living their own lives - partly because life at home is toxic, and FMA lives to a completely different code than I do, and to her credit it works for her, but the nett result is that we are all estranged as a family.  Sad for me as the one who us supposed to pull it all together.

13:30 - bored

Thu 19 Mar ----

Two weeks ago, I was asked to solve a tech problem for a local acquaintance... I spent the day with him and his developer and solved the requirement.

I came home and modified my approach slightly then contacted both of them to follow up.  Not a single response since then. Two weeks!

Sat 14 Mar ---

Mot much going on.

I need to decode on what dev skills I need to refresh - for what objectives.  Also look for career placement advisor to help identify / locate what I can do with limited physical ability.

Wed 11 Mar ---

11 March - at last - getting better

The foot!   No more padded bandages - just a pad and sock.  Real shoes again...  (I bought a  new pair with CL help!

Tue 10 Mar ---

Midnight going into Weds - I realised that I don't actually do anything when FMA or the others are around - so I don't get judged, or feel as if I may be judged.  That goes along with leaving my room, and feeling constrained when FMA decides she needs top nap in my room - which (like now) keeps me awake all hours for no obvious reason other than her breathing and my fear of 'doing something wrong'.

Mon 9 Mar ---

Not much happening - still waiting for Optus do do something... anything.

Went shopping for freezer food re-stock.

Sun 8 Mar ---

FMA & MADC went to CostCo

Sat 7 Mar ---

Last couple of days have been great with food and transport options now a reality!

Thanks Centrelink. I feel human again

Thu 05 Mar ---

"Life is the canvas of Hope, illustrated with the brushes of the Day, using the varnish of Reality" - MDC

Wed 04 Mar ---

Visit to Monash Podiatry - Lucia was great, we chatted about everything - literally.

Same next week

Mon 02 Mar ---

08:20 - While I have had 'trust' issues for a long time, it only occurred to me that i the last ten-odd years, I have consciously tried to drop my guard and be more 'engaged'.  Maybe it's my negativity talking, but I feel that most times I have reached out to others for support, advice or input - I have been disappointed in the realisation that I would have been better off working the problem out for myself in one way or another.

The experts or specialists in their respective fields are there for reward - which isn't usually helping others, and I find that I have to re-do or ignore 'professional' advice to get where I was originally heading. (That worked well didn't it!)

Expecting a call from CL again tin an hour's time - I wonder what that's for...?

10:09 - Too bad they didn't call... WTF CL?!
15:00 - Centrelink CALLED while I was at Highvale!  After 20 mins talking - the fellow decided to tick the NewStart allowance - as 'Separated Under One Roof'.  No idea of what percentage benefit I am entitled to, but anything is better than nothing.  Now I should look for an employment assessment - and depending on how that falls - some DSP if appropriate.  Food and car at last - I hope!

Sat 28 Feb ---

$450 arrived from monthly super payment. approx $220 left for living after current bills!  Will go buy some frozen dinners ASAP!  Yaay.

Having money to buy food makes me feel great.
Too bad it will all be gone by tomorrow afternoon on petrol, food and getting ready for March!

Fri 27 Feb ---

05:30 - Put FMA keys on bokshelf so I don't have to talk to her before she leaves for school.

The conversation pops up several times over the last couple of years... take your meds, eat well, stay healthy...  and each time, I understand less.  Why?  Is it an experiment to see how long one can last?  Are you just doing your job?   Occasionally, the suggestion that I want to be there for my kids or family.  Not good enough any more.  My goal is to be around until AEC's 18th birthday - which I may push out to May when she goes overseas.  Then why do I want tot hang around?  Not for MADC, he couldn't care less.  FMA is only at peace with her god if I convert to becoming a droid of conformity.

I honestly have ti say that I'm starting to doubt myself.  I am looking for help, but it comes in words, and I need more than words which I already know.  Other than that, the literal inability to 'get out' and circulate is rather challenging.  Maybe others don't want what I have, but at least I have the right to exist peacefully and enjoy my own beliefs - but that doesn't seem to be the case.  The only thing I've heard from 'the professionals' is that I'm "too complicated - go away".  (Thanks Malcolm - "Life wasn't meant to be easy"! - approx 1970)

10:00 - it's the severity of the swings from highs to lows and back again that is most disorienting.  Each time, it is easier to handle, but the outlook for a high future is less likely.  The highs are never as high or as long as those before.  And it's so hard to concentrate or plan for anything when you don't know where the next meal is coming from.

11:30 - Just had breakfast...

 Now lunch!

Laughing all the way to...  (I sneaked in a bowl of Weet-Bix with Milo to stave off the boredom!)
20:30 - It would be nice to see or speak to someone each day, but I guess that will have to wait for some other incarnation.

23:15 - A bit lonely (a bit ??!) Now 6+ weeks since injuring my foot - on top of the two years since returning from Canberra - so two solid years with little or no human engagement on a regular basis. Most of that spent sitting in my bedroom - due to shortage of funds to get out / move about.  I'm sure this would be useful to someone studying psychology or other discipline.

The access to insulin, valium and mood-suppression drugs - starts to open up all sorts of possibilities.  I just have to pick the moment before they cart me off to hospital permanently to be strapped in a bed or wheelchair.

Thu 26 Feb ---

08:00 - Expecting Centrelink to call...

09:15 - no show (yet)... Checked online status.  My original 'December' claim has 'appeared' at last - no status though.  It wasn't there when I booked the new appointment on 24th,,, !

Funnily enough I clicked the 'new' claim - and it seems the appointment set for today has disappeared (!)  It asks me to book an appointment or the claim will be discarded (?)
I really can't believe they paid for this software !

11:15 - Took FMA's car, and hobbled up to visit CL office.  Apparently they 'tried to call' - despite me sitting next to the phone (as above)...  A long queue waiting, I hung in for about 10 minutes, but no food left today / low sugar - I simply couldn't wait for fear of fainting.  So I guess that's one more done & dusted.  The reception guy tried to be nice, but I have just had enough.  No more spirit or stamina.
Miserable, incompetent bastards. I wouldn't give that organisation a sip of water in a drought - so I guess the feeling's mutual.  The people are not to blame, only the management decisions.

Two oven-fried fish fillets, then left-over sweet finger cakes for rest of  today. Good for satisfaction, bad for diabetes.  No cash left for real food. No real food left.

12:00 - Clift dropped a couple of gadgets for me to look at interfacing, but I need to let them si while I get over loneliness and Centrelink affairs.  Maybe in a day or two when I'm back on my game.

19:00 - Good news! FMA has visitors over, which means here may be some food when they've gone!  Yaay!  At the least, she bought some groceries before they came over, so there will be orange juice and bread for tomorrow.  A house full of wailing, moaning worshippers.  The door works well.

19:25 - WTF? Just received an email from CL - setting a phone appointment for next week.  Who knows?  Clever strategy to string me along ... as curiosity what it's about will keep me alive for another week!  Who needs food or a reason to live - we have Centrelink instead?

Wed 25 Feb ---

09:30 - Visit to Monash diabetes clinic - Same old, same old...  They sent me over to main hospital to podiatrist...  Clinician (Eva) re-dressed the foot completely, and cleared off some dead skin.  Revisit in a week's time for a retread.  Got a parking ticket as I was in a 1-hour street spot close to the clinic, and can't afford the ticketed parking.  What choice did I have?  I can't walk far, no money, and went out to check at the 1 hour mark... but no other spots available before I went in to the podiatrist.

Went to council offices and registered ny objection to the $74 ticket.

Tue 24 Feb ---

So we already know that Centrelink don't answer the number I  was provided to call for review status...

11:00 Tried calling Centrelink on a feedback line (1800 132 468) to check on claim status.   The operator forwarded me to an alternate number 13 28 50 instead of the (02) number that is always engaged.    45 minutes later, still music on hold!  Why do they even bother offering a service or contact details when they are clearly incapable of handling the load or enquiries...?

One hour later - I (almost) give up.  If ever I had a feeling of throwing in the towel, it would be directly related to dealing with Centrelink.

WHOA - phone answered just before I pushed the button!

Girl seemed helpful - checking the review to see what/why it's dragging it's knuckles. 
Not holding much hope based on previous exposure to their processes.

UNBELIEVABLE!  "We can't speed the review up. It takes several months for a review to be processed".  Regardless of the fact it takes less time to lodge a mew claim, or that I submitted a new claim today - just to fill in the time and get the file moving..

Come on Centrelink - hand the reins over to someone that can do the job properly.
17:00 - I've been so disappointed by the above proceedings...  How do you spell discouraged?  C-E-N-T-R-E-L-I-N-K

23 Feb - getting better1

Mon 23 Feb ---

09:15 - Same 'ol dressing visit - photo update

13:00 - U3A visit for a couple of hours - nice conversation with the group.

Sun 22 Feb ---

Is my sense of isolation of my own doing?  Feelings of guilt or failure? 

They are certainly present, but the lack of means to get out, eat or contribute to other's activities is a real bottleneck.

For some inexplicable reason, I'm still optimistic that I can get a hearing, and contribute to something of value in life.... perhaps it's my sense of what value is... ?  I'm stuffed. I question every aspect of my existence, and that simply feeds on itself.

Life usually includes:

• Bed, TV, DVR, Bathroom, microwave, freezer, fan.   
• Shower every 4-7 days - saves water for household.
• Computer to stay across news and other interests etc.
• Every 7-10 days sneak out to use the washer and/or dryer.
• Every 5-7 days sneak out to use the oven or stovetop.
• Trip out to supermarket if/when I have some food money and means ot get there..
• Extra money if meds are needed and means to get there.

That's all!

19:20 - Intense cooking smells from the other end of the house... if I could live in a caravan, I'd seriously consider it!

Fri 20 Feb ---

11:00 -  Doctor visit - and blood / urine test.

New low-dose prescription for bipolar medication to see if that reduces my tendency to go off on tangents and 'slow down'...  maybe.

Wed 18 Feb ---

Rigid OBJECTIVE solutions - by definition - ignore the opportunity to implement a better solution, and fundamentally ignore the idea... or possibility there may be other, as yet unrecognised problems.

0900 - appointment at Monash Diabetes.
Back to insulin shots!  10 units @ bedtime each day - continue with tablets for now.

Tue 17 Feb ---

Trapped. just wasting every minute of every day.

I can't walk for any extended period on stupid, lame feet, quickly tired and demotivated. Food is repetitive - frozen microwave meals, and.. not much else.

Noone or means to gou out - other than doctor and medical appointments. (U3A is great, but uses my limited resources and range - and stamina).  

Feeling guilty that I don't deserve (or get) any respect from family or others - but stuck in a place, where I have to use every resource to stay alive - so I can still feel like this next year.  Kinda pointless.

Better to have lived and lost - than to never have lived at all.  (today MC)

Mon 16 Feb ---

Foot dressing this morning.

Centrelink are still churning along - I have no idea what they're 'reviewing'.

SCT are also 'deliberating' on AMP issue.  Molasses sets a bad example.

Old server not coning back to life any time soon.  Backup data is good, but can't recover the full image from dual Xeon to single Core2.  So manual rebuild it is.

Box is up again - will run for 24 hours before I move phones back to 3CX.

Helped out at Highvale - all good.

Sun 15 Feb ---

Do you have any idea of how soul-crushing it is to wake up every day - unable to do 'anythinbg' without being 100% dependent on others?  Can;t go out, can't walk, can't buy food, help out with household chores.... anything.  Just watch TV on whatever channel is 'working' today.

I'm starting to not care any more.  No point reaching out or asking for help if no-one listening.

Sat 14 Feb ---

Sorry to be such a loser

Home server with everything on it was damaged by yesterday's blackout.  New PSU no fix.

Seems like motherboard, so I'll look into swapping board from dell desktop / use as a backup.  It may last longer than me if all goes well.  

AEC not hoe again - 4 nights out of five.  No tests or anything.

01:00 - I really don't like going to sleep, as it usually meanbs another day passed & lost.

Fri 13 Feb ---

I suppose it was inevitable with the date and all! .  Eye test shows modest, growing risk of retina problems. Referred to Eye Hospital in city.  Means I have to spring for a train ticket some way. Now if only I could go deaf as well, that would fix everything.

"Life is a cup full of short sticks"

Be nice to people when you have the chance.
It may not come around again.

Thu 12 Feb ---

Tried phoning Centrelink 'review' officer on provided number.  busy signal about 20 times over four hours, and one 'that number cannot be connected'...  Will keep trying.

Sent a feedback enquiry to push things along - maybe.

Wed 11 Feb --

The word POWERLESS comes to mind.

Tue 10 Feb ---

'People' wonder why I'm frustrated and withdrawn...  maybe it has something to do with the fact that 24 hours a day, I see others walking, shopping, working, meeting, eating,/hanging-out, playing, driving or whatever they want to do.  And simply put - I can't do any of those things.

The causes are simple. physical health and financial means without disadvantaging others that deserve those same resource that I don't consume.

Mon 9 Feb ---

Foot dressing overran - so I missed dilation eye test.  Have to reschedule.

U3A Highvale - normal enough session.  Gave Diversiti summary to 'Dean' for his Microsoft friend.

Sun 8 Feb ---

Just in case anyone still thinks this is the way I want to live my life, or is the way I wanted it to run out.   Sorry to disappoint you all.  Even to DrAS and Okalyi ... 'What do I want them to do?"  If I knew that I'd do it myself!

Discovered that I accidentally purchased some  Tomato & Bacon frozen pasta yesterday...
I'll have to hide it, 'cause I'm certainly not throwing food away!  

I also realised that I'm completely invisible in the house - apart from my 'private' bedroom and bathroom.  There is nothing of my existence in the house - other than I use the microwave and washer/dryer.  Zero. No books, anything - which to some degree has been by my own design - as I don't want them to miss me when I am eventually 'gone'.  What a crap way to live out my last few years. 

Sat 7 Feb ---

After a few days of 'activity' with doctors, AEC driving lessons etc, I was feeling artificially optimistic... I almost started to feel like I had a life. That's gone.

A couple of reasons. A radar ticket near home  for 55/58kmh in a 'sneaky' 50kmh zone - should be 60 by anyone's reckoning (no signs) - and we all thought it ws a 60...   No idea what they'll say, but I'll start sending $18.50 a month for the next 10 months!

And yet another chance to be insulted by a corporate... (CGI/Logica) not even responding to my email inquiry - re Freedom/Diversiti.  They sent an auto-reply 'we'll get in touch with you soon' - but nothing.  I just don't care or want to engage with the world any more - there's no payback.

Sometimes I sit - wondering if "I've given up on life" - or "If life has given up on me".
I know that occasionally I bounce back - and put what I have 'out there' - with no feedback criticism or other acknowledgment.   I guess this is normal - so I'll have to find another way to survive.     But if I don't have another 'game'... what should I do?

Fri 06 Feb  ---

6 Feb - almost there...

Today's foot visit. So what. If it gets better, how will that changer anything?  I was room-bound for months before it was injured - and can't see anything changing when I can wear a shoe again.

I went for an eye test... pretty normal degradation for  last 4 years.

Not much else to report.

Thu 5 Feb ---

Dropped FMA at college so I could use the car for Dr appointment.

'Replaced battery pack in a laser.  Checked OK, & returned during AEC driving lesson - a couple of hours total...

Went to visit Okalyi (psychiatrist).  He was interesting, and asked "what I wanted",  It was hard to separate my history, circumstances - and any condition - if I have one... I said "that's what I'm asking you".  Blank stare.   No further appointments or treatment scheduled,  Report will go to DrAS.  No idea where that may lead,

Mon 2 Feb ---

09:30 - Dressing - foot is slowly getting better. Probably another month, but everyone seems happy.

13:00 - Went to Highvale U3A to help out. it's great to chat and engage with people on some level.

Fri 30 Jan ---

Employability? 13:00 - I went to the kitchen to take a couple of pills, and saw a stack of dishes piled in the sink.  Let's wash 'em... (I don't do anything in the house anyway)... it was all I could do to wash most of them while dropping only one (many small pieces) before fear, wooziness and despair forced me to to stop.  Luckily MADC was there to clear up the fragments of plate.  I really am staring to have concerns about my future unless someoen can fix my attitude and open a door.

18:00 - I should be thankful you've goen to sleep inm my bed/room.  It's made me get out of bed for no reason.  I suppose I could sleep in your bed/room -  but I feel short changed.  I have my life in here, and you seem comfortable usurping me from the only place in the world that I feel 'secure'.
OK, I undestand you pay the rent and all, but the reason you picked this house with these rooms - was so you had your own room, and i had a room with a bathrooom for late night calls.  That didn't last more than two weeks.

Thu 29 Jan ---

Dear Centrelink. In anticipation of your most recent review... Why do you suspect that I'd prefer to suck the life out of my family's enjoyment of life over my own welfare.  I thought that is what assistance / support is all about - to avoid dragging more people into dependency...?  Just sayin'

As I reflect on my 'predicament', I think a huge part of my problem is that I would seem to avoid 'attachment'.  I'm OK with commitment - sometimes to the point of being obsessive or intense in my focus - even for years at a  time!, but possibly due to my itinerant youth, I feel very little attachment to people, places and things when I'm somewhere else...  then they become part of my past, which I remember in detail - and often regret not staying in one place.

Wed 28 Jan ---

* A stubbornly rational, logical and reasonably intelligent person that through the successes, failures and circumstances of life has managed to isolate himself into a place of utter dependence and despair.  Perhaps I believed in myself too much... rarely accepted the 'status-quo', and neglected 'to see the train coming'.

I feel that I put more in than I took out,that's a good thing... and here I am.

I don't feel useless, or worthless - but I am depressed and desperate at my inability to connect with anyone - literally anyone at all - before my time is up. 

13:30 - nothing so far today. More of the same. TV, toilet, sleep, microwave.

I have to admit, I've had problems recalling my (60) image today... my mind remains stubbornly locked on whatever I'm over thinking until I just 'look away' and let it dissipate over a few seconds.

16:00 - I was just trying to figure out what I'd do if I was ever to get NSA or DSP assistance.
I don't know!  No-one seems to want me, and my physical abilities severely restrict the range of jobs I could do or retrain for... so I guess I could eat regularly and get out a bit, but otherwise I'm not sure at all.  I feel so empty &* lacking direction.  I'm not interested in starting work - even on my own ideas!

Tue 27 Jan ---

Yee Hah!  Today is a new foot dressing day..  Ok, the fun's over until 14:15.

11:00 - received a call from Centrelink lady.  I had trouble answering the phone (dry, lifeless fingers vs touch-screen)!
To be honest, the call wasn't very encouraging - as FMA & I still respect each other as humans with support needs.  We would never just walk away leaving the other stranded, but it looks like this is what CL need to satisfy their 'separated' clause.  So this report will now be handed to another reviewer to explore the Su1R status.  (my guess 30% chance).
So any chance of DSP or NSA is likely to be dependent on FMA or me walking away from the family.

15:00 - foot redressed. Next visit Thursday

Mon 26 Jan --- (Australia Day)

OK, I can say for sure that the (60) symbol doesn't work when I'm asleep (I tried)..

During my pre-awakening blur, I was reflecting on CRC and a few other of my original thoughts to coin a new science 'SPHERICS'.

My mild interest in spherical shapes - a continuous surface, no parallel surfaces, and the least possible surface area to contain any given volume, along with triangular pyramids for similar reasons (sorry - no magic forces) - having the least number of vertices to form a stable, self-supporting structure which is capable of containing a sphere.  

These in themselves are no more than interesting tidbits, but when CRC is re-evaluated alongside these principles, and a simple glance at how our universe is physically structured - suggests some very intriguing parallels and associations. 

All this is is of course my mental plaything, and I have neither the resources, stamina or the skills to see where it leads.  If there is any truth in CRC (and Freedom/Diversiti principles), this is very serious shit.

09:50 - I don't know which emotion is stronger... Anger or Guilt.
There are so many things I should be able to do for my family and myself, but due to circumstances and my own stupidity - are simply impossible.  I'm angry because there are (or were) so many things I could contribute to anyone that needed me to - but for some reason my offers and ability are unwanted. Both emotions are extremely painful - especially when you only have yourself to talk to every single day after day.  They don't need an albatross around their collective necks.

DEMENTIA DAY: 9

Dementia  turned off today.  Still lurking in the shadows;

Sun 25 Jan ---

Two weeks down - so here's an updated photo  ==>

Nothing else to report. Literally nothing.

One day it would be really nice to eat a real meal that wasn't frozen 5 minutes ago, at a real table - with other people around that I can afford for myself.  That would be a change.  In fact a eral meal - no matter who buys it, as long as I don't feel like I'm 'taking' it off someone else's table.
In fact being able to afford any food at all would be a nice change!  One frozen risotto left for the next five days.  I hope something else lines up before then.  I know I can take leftovers from the refrigerator - if I can recognise them, or eat them without leaving a trace to be complained about.

12:00 - I was just wondering who I'll talk to when AEC goes overseas in May.  Anythign can happen before then, but it did cross my mind.  She's the only one that I converse with when she feels like it.  MADC is not interested, and I avoid talking to FMA - to avoid any confrontation.  That's it, I don't meet or see anyone else in my room.

18:00 - Just for the record. I am 'just waiting' for the world to come tpo me... as silly as it sounds, that's the only option I have remaining under current circumstances.  I know it's completely impossible and irrational - except that without means, or opportunity - the last three-odd years have borne very little fruit by reachign out, so unless my security and significance change in any way, i'm resigned to being 'a pimple waiting to pop'.

Sat 24 Jan --- 

Sitting in bed, I realise how successful my little 'road sign' mental diversion has been over the last few days.  Whenever I feel my mind racing, or I'm over-thinking something to myself - I ''turn myself off'' instantly by visualising that image.  It has nothing to do with being a speed sign, simply an anchor to latch onto - taking me down to a 'whoa, slow-down' place.  I literally stop thinking completely for a few seconds - nothing anywhere, in my eyelids, back of mind... anywhere.  Sadly it means I'm training myself to become a catatonic bag of bones.

11:15 - I keep asking myself what I could or should be doing differently. Blank.
I'm so weak I can barely brush my teeth or take a shower. No contacts I can reach, no means to travel beyond the immediate neighbourhood. Apparently no skills to offer, and just plain occupying space for no good reason.  That's not me. I'm so much more than all those combined, but for some reason whatever I think is relevant, right or an opportunity seems to be just plain wrong (at least for the present time).
I'll say it bluntly - I believe that I'm often more aware of what's happening than many of the people actually experiencing it.  I want to help, work with, suggest, or assist - but routinely turned away without any conversation,  It therefore must be me, but I refuse to believe I am completely useless and irrelevant in any context.  I believe in me, and it worked for 45 years (coincidentally the same time as going to Malaysia), and since then I've been in a slow spiral to becoming invisible except for those five-odd years spent building mediaproxy.

12:30 - to her credit FMA asked if I wanted to go to the local shopping centre to walk around with her while she went shopping.  In my other life, I'd jump at any opportunity to drive, explore, engage - not necessarily with her directly (I've been over that for quite a while), but to be part of society.  Nowadays - why would I?  Walking is already a chore with the bung foot, but I'm physically weak enough not to enjoy it on any level. Can't drive my car. Can't stop in to buy a soft drink while exploring. Why would I want to go through that to watch the rest of the world being normal?


Rant du Jour:
OBJECTIVE vs SUBJECTIVE DECISION MAKING. 

'Almost every public facing organisation is using 'AI' or 'smart filtering of input to route, process or otherwise respond to public or individual feedback.

Virtually all of these solutions use check-boxes, numbered lists or contextual parsing to identify keywords, directions and intent from the sender's text.
Where it all falls apart - frequently - is that the 'system' fails, and no-one... sender, or intended recipient is any wiser.

Everything outwardly appears to be running smoothly, consultants get bonuses - organisation continues with expanding (un)successful automation delivered by the 'cloudy' consultants that are smarter than everyone else with actual experience - 'because they are'.

Billions of dollars are wasted, and tens of thousands of real growth opportunities are masked and lost - by blind acceptance of poorly executed automated systems.

Let's minimize professional risk exposure, and call it 'Fuzzy Logic'!  Oh wait - we already tried that in the 'noughties.

DEMENTIA DAY: 7

I feel like I'm 85 years old living in a single-room allotment within a retirement home. I take pills, stoop, stumble, sit in the sun to collect some Vitamin D, and sleep or watch TV all day. Not by choice, but the world is finished with me.  People (FMA) ask things but are not the slightest bit interested in what i say back.

Fri 23 Jan ---

11:00 - Went to prepare some weetbix. Realised that I only do & prepare for the next few hours.  Both in order to not leave a mess, but also because I have no idea where I'll be after that time horizon.

Minimum number of plates & utensils. No food waste, No sign that I ever existed will be easier for others to move on, and less cause for FMA to whinge.

20:30 - FMA is in crisis.  AEC made a purchase on her money card listed 'Drugs for AJ' (one of her male friends).  I suggested that it may be innocuous, as most drug dealers don't take cards - much less fill in the notation quite so obviously.  Oh well.  At least it's on her card and not mine. LOL

Aside observation: No specific indicators or comments, but it sounds like AEC may be getting close to AJ.  Nothing grubby implied, but as part of her group for over a year, he seems to get a lot of sidebars... Good for her, and I trust her completely (with the skills a 17-year old can have!)

Thu 22 Jan ---

10am - Westpac called - offering to capitalise my arrears - and provide a grace period of 6 months @ $50pm minimum instead of $210.  Ok - so I pay interest on the already accrued interest, but it let's me breathe a lot better until something else happens.

COURTESY & MANNERS ARE NOT A WEAKNESS

Wed 21 Jan ---

Breakfast - 3 pills. Kitchen is too untidy to use.

What would my family miss if I was gone?  Phone, internet and the smelly guy in the end bedroom.

Called CL again - but it still doesn't know my reference number.
Lodged online feedback --- hoping.

10:45 - received a call from CL ('Josh') in response to feedback.
Extremely refreshing - seems to be someone across the reality of Centrelink and marginal people like me. Or he's very well trained!
He has reviewed my lodgements, claims and status - and escalated to another team that deals with subjective reviews rather than purely objective ticks and numbers.

Ten minutes later: It's amazing what a little bit of positive outlook can do.  I feel 10kg lighter, can stand straight and have some hope.  Quite spectacular. I hope it holds true.

I have to send Medical Cert for foot injury this afternoon - for immediate support of reinstated NSA claim.  He is also looking at healthcare card and other facilities.

16:00 - have medical cert, but do yuo think CL will upload it.... no.  JPG, PDF - nup.
Tried several times - maybe I'll mislabel it so it goes as some other type of doc... (maybe that will work)

20:00 - family drove out to eat. I declined because I feel physically weak, and don't want` to supply fuel to make the outing less enjoyable for them.

Tue 20 Jan ---

04:45 - "Can you take me now...""  A bad start to the day for FMA, as I wasn't letting her forget.

09:30 - Called CL phone service...  Talked to 'Sean', and referred upline to a supervisor...
put on hold...
10:05  - after several music transfers - a silent line... oh well.. Did I expect any better?
Call back - computer doesn't know my customer number now!
Ask for operator - "Expected wait time is more than 60 minutes"
Tried several more times, and got a very impressive range of IVR recordings - all irrelevant.
10:11 Give up after trying 'I can't walk' - and getting put back in the 60 minute queue.

13:00 Wrote a plea to the local federal pollie. Alan Griffiths.  Read receipt OK. Now what?

13:30 - tried calling CL again - it seems they have forgotten me completely, as I tell the computer my CRN, but it says I have to enroll first (not like I haven't spoken to them before!)...
Started looking at ombudsman or DHS complaints options, and to be honest, I don't care or have the energy any more to tell the whole story over again.  Dying would be easier than dealing with robotic morons - and probably quicker.
(On the up side... it didn't even get as far as putting me in the 60 minute queues)

Mon 19 Jan ---

For some reason, at 04:45 - I was woken for the pre-arranged 05:15 wake-up call. Our lives must be out of sync

18:00 - Centrelink update (letter)...
Your claim for NewStart has been rejected - because you didn't lodge requested documents.

• 8 Jan - CL phone interview - Appointment confirmed for 16th at CL GW for NSA ESA. 
• Received a paper copy in post of form already downloaded and completed...?
• Online lodgement not working for 36 hours.
• Jan 12 - Injured foot - lodged photo online (hospital and doctor every day since)
• Jan 15 - scanned & lodged requested documents online.
• Had tried earlier, but lodgement website often says 'service unavailable')
• Jan 16 - attended GW assessment interview... lodged FMA doc at counter.
• Apparently no NSA claim lodged, so I was sent away. (pointed out request letter and recently lodged doc) Shrug.
• Jan 19 - Received letter (dated 14 Jan) that my non existent claim for NSA has been rejected - because I didn't lodge above documents... (or they didn't know about it - being their lodgement system).

Tried calling, but they don't work after 5pm.  Not hopeful - tomorrow.

Doctor - dressing foot... one week later ==== >>

Who do I identify with in popular culture?
i.e. guys I think i could instantly drop into conversation - while no-one else understands what we're saying!

• James May - Top Gear and others
• Jamie Hynemann - Mythbusters
• Leonard - (character) Big Bang Theory (Sheldon to a lesser degree)
• Stephen Fry - QI and others (Alan Davies to a lesser degree)

23:00 Checked three times to confirm FMA time in the morning.  - 5:15 - not 04:45   Qoute:".. because all the preparation was done today"

Smart me - took a Valium, as I know this will fall apart. (I'm the only person I know that takes a Valium if sleeping in the same room as his partner!)

DEMENTIA DAY: 2

Hallelujah!

While returning from 04:45 drop-off, I realised that I was hving curious thoughts, wondering, thinking.... I stomped on that and realised this is exactly how CRC works.  I consiciously told myself that whatever I was thinkig was irrelevant, and i had no meaning ot my life.  Hence my mind now hqs a new branch with a 60kmh sign as the root node.  As recurrence and other experiences hit that (anmd other new 'I give up' nodes - my memory and experiences will shift from their other 'existing' CRC branches - and route back to 'zero' with no consequence or outcome.  life is so simple and has no consequences or fears etc...

Sadly this will turn me into a zombie within some period of time, but that's for others to explore.

Demented thought for the day:  Now that I'm living it... my initial observation of Dementia in the CRC model is explained thus....  Normally new concepts that are not found in one's experience fall through to the 'roots' - and spawn a  new tree - potentially a completely new set of branches and conclusions.  Occasionally merged into other experiences during slow-wave sleep.   

Dementia stops this mechanism - the 'ground' & 'roots' are now barren or dying - so that only existing trees, branches and nodes are possible targets for newly acquired experiences.  
As the condition progresses, older branches may become overloaded, or die in their own way and break off... leaving 'broken' unresolved CRC nodes and conclusions.  Anxiety, frustration confusion, and other consequences are clearly visible and attributable to this mechanism... this slots in ver well with my CRC theories

Sun 18 Jan --

I'm concerned that 'everyone' is feeling that my foot injury has 'brought home' the seriousness of diabetes since last week.  With a two week window of observation - that probably makes a lot of people feel good.   Yaay for them.  For me it's another boring day.

In reality - to me - the foot and diabetes have extremely little impact on my daily or weekly life, I don't feel the foot damage in any way at all. The DB has been there, getting worse for over a decade. Get over it. I did.  I was looking, volunteering, proposing for solutions, but no-onne wanted to join me.

What is destroying me is the isolation of being unwanted, not listened to and left at the kerb by systems and protocols that are all-consumed with being accountable, but not actually respoinsible for anything other than the monthly report.   I'll say it again.  I'm weak, alone and feel totally unwanted. The only reason I get out of bed (foot or not) is t straighten the sheets so I can get back in again.

My physical ability is waning - purely because I have no objectives or resources left to explore opportunities.  That's all.  For 40 years I created my own opportunities (maybe a consequence of my upbringing), but that seems not to have been a good life choice... a 'follower' has a much greater chance of surviving in the herd.

10:00 now, I have to get ready in 30 mins to visit the doctor, then drive FMA & AEC to their appointments, and back to bed for the rest of the day.

11:00 dressing - all good.  DrAS sparkled today - and told me some reality truths.  I have to think them over, but I really appreciated that he asked and listened to what I had to say.  +1

Saw the end of a TV special on dad's 'dancing' to be cool with their kids.  eminds me that my own attempts to be a dancer were stillborn around 17-19 years of age.  I loved music (who wouldn't in the early 70s?)  But I was painfully aware that I was better setting up the lights and sound systems than being on the floor in any way.

A couple of events - but one in particular crushed my self confidence both socially and with girls - forever.  I went to a school formal with a friend's sister as a favour to him (last chance?)... and after dinner the dancing ramped up... I bravely took to the pairs-in-a-group style dance - and within minutes another girl came over to me and asked if I was ok... (!) I looked unwell!.  I apologised and sat down.  Never again.  Even with my oiwn wive(s) and weddings I never danced again.
Maybe in a locked bathroom, I yearned for a chance to be cool in some way, but it defied me.

Then was another time unrelated to dancing at a late teens party/event in the early 70s - when I was approached directly by a girl that would normally have fallen into my field of view - and asked in as many words... "are you gay?".  Whether it was intentional poke, or a genuine question in the puffy, heady 70s - I can still painfully remember it forty years later!  

I did work from around age 20-32 with a fantastic team oif gay guys & girls in TV, and was certainly approached in every different way - but remained friends while staying on my side oif the fence!
Sadly many of them have passed away from age, HIV or AIDS complications in the 80s and 90s.  Some of the nicest people I've ever connected with.

All character building, and part of my background.  Somewhere I fell of the tracks.

Sat 17 Jan ---

Decided that my 50 years of self-delusion  are over. From today I do nothing without being specifically asked or told to - in the risk that it will waste our time, or be irrelevant.

The last 8 years have cemented the understanding that I made some incredibly bad choices in finance, career, partner and life - and have left myself a completely worthless piece of crap that is only capable of consuming other people's time.

I walk around leaving bloody footprints - and that's the limit of my contribution to modern life.
If everyone else in the world can ignore what's in right front of them - so can I. Fuck it all.

08:00 - Took AEC out for another learner drive.  All good signs of sensible learning. She's such a lovely young person.

FMA is a wonderful and thoughtful person, but as thick as a plank.  A simple flat view of the world is her life's challenge.  The almost exact opposite of my 'always inquisitive' mistake.  I'm guessing her first error was seeing me twenty years ago as 'what it is' - not completely understanding that a person - or anything -  has history and future. And I let her expectations down.

She's the smart one. Don't overthink, or don't think at all.

DEMENTIA DAY: 1

I've realised that my place in the world (any world) is irrelevant. There is no point in trying to save my memories or experiences, or projects & proposals. The world isn't interested, and I no longer have the means or strength to explore, develop or promote them.  So I seem to be unconsciously unwinding my interest in everything.  just live  for the immediate, and enjoy the TV, bed and hmmm.. maybe I'll think of something else later.

While not mentioned specifically - this slots in well with my CRC documents

I try to look for reasons to disregard this observation, but even Christmas, New Year, holidays, loneliness etc - can't explain why my mind is now completely blank  - completely.  This si is a first for me.  Normally I can look a t aod turd, and see opportunity to explore.
(My innate optimism seems to be gone (note the escape clause 'seems'!)

Fri 16 Jan ---

08:30 nerve conduction test - just a test, no results.

I realised while driving there that bed and car are the only two places I feel 'safe' from criticism - and 'in control' of my destiny (the last thing I need is criticism at the moment).  

I talk to others for maybe five minutes a day total, and when I get a chance with others (doctor, nurse etc) I drive them crazy with my stream of conversation,  I'm interested in what they're doing, tell them what I've been involved in - and even though I pull back - it seems that I overwhelm them.

Makes it somewhat worse if I burst into tears!)

So in absence of any intelligent conversation I 'talk to myself' - silently in my conscious mind.  If not watching TV or asleep, I try to keep myself up to date and have very high-level dialogues with myself!   Perhaps I'm the only intelligent person I have can reach for a conversation - but it's not healthy if it goes on all the time.

12:00 Centrelink assessment - not hopeful.  They're robots without a shared sense between them.
Very impressive. They knew I had an appointment.  Sadly no reason for an Employability Skills Assessment - since I'm not on NewStart (NSA) - so the meeting finished after I poured nmy guts on the table. 

14:00 re-dress foot at clinic. Scheduled daily for the next week at least.

15:00 Tiler coming to patch/repair the floor...   he didn't show up.
3:50 now – and he’s heading off for 8 days holiday…
Phew - to his credit - he arrived at 4pm.  Saved!

Early evening went with FMA to supervise AEC learning driver esperience!

Thu 15 Jan ---

Ya know' A funny thing.

My foot injury isn't really affecting me.  Someone in he future will say "Wow your situation was much worse than I thought.. Just read on.

14:00 back to clinic for dressing of foot. Nice nurse - and she agreed that I fall between the cracks of the public health diagnostic/treatment systems.

Realised today that I was probably injured by a recently cracked tile in the shower.  Reported to agent last week, but unable to fix as they're on holidays. It got worse (I didn't notice another tile cracked to expose the razor edge) and slashed the sole of ,my foot. C'est la vie.  At least I can't feel it!

Wed 14 Jan ---

Today's been hard.  I was very weak until about 12:00 (after eating some frozen satay/rice/vegies and milk). Going to wee, or up to the kitchen was a challenge (feet and wooziness).  Had to sit / recompose several times on both trips.

13:00 I cut off some more flapping flesh - to keep my foot clean, then washed and Savlon.

For some reason FMA is interested in my chills & shivering this afternoon.  So she's booked me in to another doctor(?) at 1730.  I told her nothing has changed - I've been having uncontrolled chiils/shivering for years now, and no-one was interested then - so what's changed now.  I have a scarred foot?  All the other info has been said and recorded here for the last two years.

Tue 13 Jan ---

Starting to realise why doctors treat the symptoms over the causes of illness.  Faster relief to the patient, and  It keeps the patient 'live' and 'alive' for ongoing business.  Fix the cause, and no more visits on that specific issue.  That, or they're just incredibly incompetent and under resourced / funded.
(I shouldn't complain - I get to use Bulk Bilking)

11:00 - went to see new GP (Ganesh).  Spent 30 mins talking w FMA.  Got a referral to a BB Psychiatrist then told don't come back.  I'm overwhelmed by your too many issues.
Called for appt with Psych.  They're on holidays for another week.

15:00 - had a sleep, woke to go to wee, Stumbled back to bed. just.  Need food. Carefully trekked up to kitchen - quickie 6-min frozen ravioli.

Mon 12 Jan ---

I spend 90% or more of my entire life in a 4x3m room. With a bathroom, TV and computer.  Is there something wrong with that?  I think so.  No social interaction at all, other than incoming phone calls for others  or debt collectors.  I wrote to online forums to help or entertainer others, but virtually zero feedback directly.And of course I write to this diary.
90% of eating, 90% of liquids, 90% of everything..  probably well over 90% if that represents 22 hours a day.  I simply don't want to consume, create or contribute to any 'mess' in the main part of the house that I become responsible for.  One less (or reduced) source of criticism and nagging.  I still get some anyway.

Bins out ready for tomorrow with kitchen waste, and cut branches from 10 days ago lopping of nature strip.

Bert's funeral in CBR today.  Best wishes to all concerned up there.

14:00 - Deleted the contact details for that job I applied for last month. Never heard back from them - even after gently asking twice.  No HR phone number, so I emailed - which was 'read'  but no response, so I guess that's an embarrassed 'no luck'!  And why am I depressed? Dunno.

16:00 - every hour of every day, I wonder who I can contact without being a nuisance, and come up with no-one.  I've tried to stay across any people I know with possible opportunities, but either end up talking about the weather after discovering there no openings for me, or simply don't hear back from my call or message.  I don't blame them - they have no idea of my circumstances.  They're just doing what they do, and think I'm doing what I do.  This blog is my record of those events and non-events.

Late evening. I seem to be leaving bloody footprints around? No idea why.  uh-oh...
FMA looks at my foot, and sees massive blisters. Why?  The only activity I can think of was taking the rubbish out earlier - but nothing I was aware of as being hot.  (Later discovered it wasn't actually blisters per-Se)

She wanted to take me to Monash outpatients.  Several hours later... Ticked off by doctor for wasting A&E time. talk and sent home with a letter for a doctor.  Put Savlon on the blisters (I cut off about 3 square inches of epidermis that was flapping about).  Sleep

I really have already given up already about 18 months ago.  My life gave up on me abut 5 years ago, so I feel I gave ot a fair chance to reconnect.  OK, it didn't - so is it such a bad thing that I give up after Sydney and CBR episodes?  Fix the disease, not the symptoms.  Cut off the gangrene.

Sun 11 Jan --

This is my reason to get up from bed.  All done now.

A few years ago, I was so depressed that I decided to check myself in at Monash Medical (outpatients) for a Nervous breakdown.  I was sent away because I wasn't suicidal, or wanting to hurt others. A letter was sent to Soo, but nothing ever came of it.
The reason I walked was because I couldn't afford the parking at the hospital.
Here I am years later - but I can't get to the hospital, because I don't have fare, the car won't run that far, and I'm still not suicidal.  Who do I turn to?

I went for a 500m walk this afternoon, and to be honest, barely made it.  I was thinking to go about twice that, but the 27C heat and my legs, attitude are not supporting me much. So I came back to write this.

I've been partially successful at making FMA and kids independent, but they have no idea that was my goal for the last ten years - while the kids were reaching maturity, and FMA was learning how to may bills and remember the bin days,  Perhas my direction was slightly off keel, because while trying to be even and fair - and distant.. the kids don't even know I'm alive, and FMA has a very odd perspective on our relationship.  Without slapping her in front of the kids, I doubt they'l; all get it completely.  And it may be too late for them to care anyway.

Sat 10 Jan ---

Wasted day.  Went for a 15 minute walk at 7pm. Nothing else to do.  Everyone else is out.

Fri 9 Jan ---

free·dom

 (frē′dəm)

n.

1.

a. The condition of not being in prison or captivity: gave the prisoners their freedom.

b. The condition of being free of restraints, especially the ability to act without control or interference by another or by circumstance:In retirement they finally got the freedom to travel.

2.

a. The condition of not being controlled by another nation or political power; political independence.

b. The condition of not being subject to a despotic or oppressive power; civil liberty.

c. The condition of not being constrained or restricted in a specific aspect of life by a government or other power: freedom ofassembly.

d. The condition of not being a slave.

3.

a. The condition of not being affected or restricted by a given circumstance or condition: freedom from want.

b. The condition of not being bound by established conventions or rules: The new style of painting gave artists new freedoms.

4. The capacity to act by choice rather than by determination, as from fate or a deity; free will: We have the freedom to do as we please allafternoon.

5. The right to unrestricted use; full access: was given the freedom of their research facilities.

6. Ease or facility of movement: loose sports clothing, giving the wearer freedom.

7. Archaic Boldness in behavior; lack of modesty or reserve.

choice

 (chois)

n.

1. The act of choosing; selection: It is time to make a choice between the candidates.

2.

a. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option: The teacher gave me the choice between taking an exam and writing a paper.

b. An alternative: With no money, he had no choice but to walk home.

3. One that is chosen: That vase on sale looks like an excellent choice.

4. A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.

5. The right to terminate a pregnancy by induced abortion.

adj. choic·er, choic·est

1. Of very fine quality: choice peaches.

2. Selected with care; well-chosen: choice phrases.

3. Of the US Government grade of meat higher than good and lower than prime.

I feel a bit stupid.  FMA is preparing/cooking for several lady friends over this evening for a tea and dinner chat fest. Despite being out of work, denying myself food and other choices,  I'm feeling less useful than ever.  Job applications don't reply, Only one of my 'friends' ever stays in touch.  I must be a real pariah for some reason.  Maybe I smell?

Thu 8 Jan ---

Walked around supermarket to buy some carpet cleaner - in sandals.

Realised again that without closed, rigid shoes, I have no idea what my feet are doing!  I felt one of those occasional stabs of pain in my large toe - and looked down - nothing unusual.

But I could just as easily have broken my toe, lost my sandals, or experienced some other minor catastrophe without the accompanying descriptive words!

I can watch TV for hours and see nothing. It just means nothing to me any more... except I'm sure my personality is somewhere between Leonard and Sheldon on BBT !

I was looking at my daily attire - tee shirt and shorts with shoes or sandals. Always.  Usually worn for several days at a time (changed between cost-saving weekly showers!)
A simple reality, I don't have many clothes, and want to keep them intact - just in case I get called for an interview.  5-year old clothes aren't too far out of style for an old man.

Wed 7 Jan ---

02:20 am - Now I remember where this all started. about 14 years ago, I'm comfortable trying to go to sleep. Interrupted by spicy food smell, snoring and bad food breath.  All that trying stops, while the other goes on sleeping, blissfully unaware.  Why are you here, who asked you, this is my room, m....
My anxiety level goes up 50 when I hear you in the hallway. You have set up a separate bedroom for yourself, I thought this was my chance to consume myself and reflect - possibly to re-strategise my personal rebuilding - but here you are in my face every moment I want to be alone or alseep..

04:40 am - I reckon I must be actively pushing people away from me to avoid hurting them or me any more.I have no idea what I did that was so bad, but I know now thta it must be my doing - since no-one will tell me... its like a secret agreement that I'm a failure at everything, and let me just bumble along till I'm out of the way.  Seriously as silly as that sounds, that's what my oife feels like every minute of every day.

10:45 - I actually still have a sense of humour, partly to avoid confronting the crap I deal with every day, and also to let people know that I am alive - even if they think I'm worthless...
For a couple of months, I have been collecting the email signatures and throwaway phrases I use to describe myself in correspondence and dialogue...

•  Not always right, but never wrong.
•  The relentless optimist - or too dumb to be a pessimist.
•  What’s next?
•  I don’t think like everyone else. Use it.
•  Don't ask a question if you aren't willing to listen to the answer.
•  I know nothing about anything, and have an opinion on everything.
•  Ignore me.
•  A wise person said -
  – “If you can’t say something nice about a person – then at least enjoy letting ‘em know!”
• Rubber boots, tinfoil hat, and one hand in my pocket!
  -- Insulated, isolated, but no longer frustrated.

I'm sure these reveal something about me - I'm just not sure what!  Defiance, resignation, denial, fear???   Who knows!

11:00 - I was looking at some articles online, and began to think about my scanner which died recently, and realised that I'm drifting away from wanting to create, explore, or fix things - and now looking at simple survival.  Maybe due to my tactile limitations, but also because I';m beginning to 'not care' any more.. That's scary for me.

15:00
Today's appointment is WHC last chance - maybe also mine.  It may seem like I'm blaming everyone for my problems, or being paranoid - but completely the opposite.  I'm completely open and up front about what the issues are - yet that seems to be my undoing, as there appears to be no facility to advise or assist in those circumstances.  The assessment system is expecting efforts at deception, so it's not looking  for cases to address, but cases to poke holes in.

FMA just had a conversation with Centrelink (they called me), but they can't get it into their head that there is no 'plan b' and we are 'as happy as Larry' living on literally no stable income.  We never scammed or tried to 'scam' the system - just that we were the suckers that played it straight while many others are putting significant effort into invalid / illegal claims which they have sustained - often for years.

I just broke down in tears telling a collection agency - again - that I have no income, FMA is unemployed now, and there is no 'payment plan' that will ever be settled unless someone helps my health and/or our direction.  I can really understand how loving caring adults that have the means could do horrible things to others society.

Doctor appointment didn't really impress me - I felt it was more of a PR exercise.
No weight, no exertion, no temperature tests...?
I almost demanded an examination, and he took BP (which was very high), talked a while, gave a referral for a new EMG on nerve activity.  Then as a last resort when I pressed - he tapped my knees and ankles, then tweaked my toes while my eyes were shut.  He may have learned something, but didn't tell me.
Anyway let's get the neurologist, CL and stuff out of the way before making any forward decisions.

Tue 6 Jan ---

08:15 Centrelink called for the arranged New Start Allowance interview. Went well enough, lady was pleasant. I learned how people scam them - simply they have NO IDEA what information they have or where it needs to be used.  They had no idea that SU1R had been declined... Only when I told her a document had already been sent to them two weeks ago - could she find it.  Only when I told her they sent me a letter two weeks ago - was she able to find it.  Both were pre-requisites to the claim process which would otherwise have stalled and died.

12:20 - I'm so depressed and discouraged.  I hgave no means, purpose or ability - and the people that are meant ot help me realise these capabilities are apparently incompetent.  Where can one turn?

12:30 - AEC just strolled in to talk about her Euro trip.  A lot of good oil discussed, but eventually we strayed onto family matters. Mum, MADC, AEC and myself.   For the first time to anyone, ever - I told AEC about my encounters with traffic, cars and the law around 1976.  Quite a strong conversation, and cathartic in a way, as I don't feel MADC is mature enough to contain and process the detail, and FMA is simply incompetent to deal with things that don't involve her beliefs and community.   Big emotional feelings at the moment.   Apologies to MADC for not seeing the problem or guiding him before his Acquired Angry Syndrome.

Sometime mid afternoon, I suggest to FMA that now she isd 'unemployed' between contacts, she should apply for NSA - if only for a couple of weeks until a new contract comes along. Heck it could be a thousand dollars or more for her and the kids.   "Too hard, can you do it ror me?"
So I go online and the page proposes there are ten possible claims that are suitable for her situation.
I leave it open for her to consider, but "Can yu do it for me?"   No.  I'm not even supposed to be talking to you, and I know nothing about your circumstances. "Just ask me the questions..." Me:L "They aer variable and relate to your personal, specific work situation.".  Too hard.

13:45 - I'm starting to realise more about my 'problems'.  I was born and started life in a comfortable upper-middle class neighbourhood - with two sisters 8-9 years older than me.  When I was five, we travelled the world - following my dad's career in marketing & advertising.

Everything just happened automatically and we returned to Australia when I was 8-9 years old.  Same UMC lifestyle, but sisters were getting older and travelling on their own, and getting married.
All seemed to be fairly normal (in the circumstances) until I was 16, and mum passed away suddenly.
Dad remarried about 18 months later, and on my 18th birthday I was persona non-grata in Joan's house. (I can't remember what transgressions were / had been).

Everything sort of wen haywire around then. GF's mother decided I wasn't a good influence in final year - so that was broken off.  Later another GF lost her younger brother in a tragic train incident. That ended as no-one was able to understand or imagine how it came about - just a really tragic accident.
Pretty much from that time onward (although it had always been part of my life), I found I was bouncing between places, not people.  I didn't belong, and perhas wrongly grasped at marriage to find some security. That's one story.

I engaged with my work and became successful and skilled, but I didn't know something was missing.  More to come.

Mon 5 Jan ---

The soles of my feet are so dry and slippery - like most other days in the last couple of years.

So in credibly slippery on tiles, carpet - even trying to push the floor mat straight on tiles!)

I'd been wondering why my gait/sstep varied over the day, and came up wiih the simple combination of factors... if my feet are bare & dry, they're slippery - so I tend to take small steps, and make sure my weight is vertical, to minimise chance of slipping.  Same reason that I take short careful steps when turning on the spot etc so I don't catch and overbalance.

Received a ;letter from Centrelink (dated 24 Dec) to sign IF my Newstart is approved.  I expect this unlikely, as the Su1R was declined, and they failed my previous NSA as we were deemed a couple.

19:00 - I actually feel sick.  I'm afraid of life itself.
Today I managed a trip to the bin, the washing machine and the mailbox.

For most of my adult life, I've tried to think ahead of the curve - solving problems before they arise - perhaps a hang over from my post-production days - creating material that is meaningless standalone, but will only make sense hours or days later when the editing and effects are complete. Oh well.
SL4P - Solutions Looking For Problems is not a lifestyle - which I discovered doesn't too late.

It did allow me to propose a few technical and philosophical concepts - which were totally ignored by prevailing philosophers, but I have seen 'wow' news articles discussing some of those ideas 5-1-15 or 20 years after I first proposed and them, but still no interest.  I should also note that some of that disinterest was The 'Paper Wall' - 'Company X does not accept unsolicited offers of intellectual property. Our position is final.

We can't risk knowing what things we don't know, because we may already know it - but we don't know!

Sun 4 Jan---

21:00 So weak since midnight last night,

Vomiting, purging, feeling faint multiple times.

Just holding together
22:00 Stamina is limited to staggering up the hall to get some ice cubes.  Or take the bathroom tidy out toi the bin.  That's it.  No forward horizon, unemployable in the current circumstances.
I don't check BP or sugar any more - it's just more of the same news - why torture myself?

Sat 03 Jan--

13:00 - FMA is cooking (yesterday and today) for her friend's party.  She hasn't said anything - but I feel guilty / like I'm intruding - so my infrequent & irregular eating has me feeling light-headed. Fortunately she has some leftover/extra satay sticks - so I duck in and ask if I can have a  few (instead of setting up the oven or microwave to heat sometime for myself.  Very nice satay!

Watching TV and the world passing by - there are4 so many things I'd like to do or contribute to.
But i can't.  Sometimes it's reasonable to feel that enough is enough.

22:00 - went to fill jug with ice & diet cola.
2 minutes on my feet =- feeling dizzy and nauseous again.  I suppose laying down all day at 35-40C temperatures doesn't help, but not much else I could do...  kids not able to help, FMA off with a catering gig.

Fri 02 Jan ---

Thu 01 Jan --

I made it!  <insert preferred phrase> New Year!
Just like everyone else, a completely relaxing and fruitless day.
Just like the last 2-1/2 years!
Ok, it has to get better.
Maybe someone will reply to my emails / applications / inquiries this year.


Just chatted with AR in CBR. One of his best friends - Bert - died around 1430 of a massive heart attack. Seems not to have suffered much, So sad, an extremely nice filipino guy about 64 yo. Would do anything for anyone.  Will be a huge loss to AR - especially in his current unemployed circumstances.