Describing me 160423

Over sensitive

Intelligent

Creative

Non-conforming

Hard to manage

Easily bored

Impatient / impulsive

Awkward socially

Not afraid of commitment

Poor at forming attachments

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hyperthymic-temperament/112187035472787

If anyone reads this, and I am unable to speak for myself, please understand that I'm perfectly happy to make way on this planet for someone else to enjoy their life more than I'm enjoying mine.

Peaceful, in my sleep is the preferred option, but if necessary, fast and as pain free as possibles will do.  It can't be any slower or more discouraging than the last few years.

2016 - part 2 (Apr)

Dropped AECto station.

Bought a new f'in while reading the paper.

Came home, toilet, watch recorded TV

... next please.

My life would be no different, almost no different if I wasn't around.

If the situation arises that I gave nowhere to live, I'd really have Ro reconsider the options - since my life consists if keeping dry, toiletting an eating when I can.  

Thought about eating lunch with the kids... MADC not interested, AEC wants something different.

Tonight both are out with friends.

11pm, and I just realised that after being alone for so long, I have no idea what I'd talk about if the company appeared.  I can certainly keep up with current affairs and technical logo, but nobody I've heard recently gas the slightest interest in either!  Let's see what happens when the opportunity arises.

I'm so bored, I feel like eating... but that means going out and spending (and getting fat)...  so I just sit here alone, like a vegetable.  No-ones else is home... but if FMA was here, we wouldn't be talking anyway.

SEEKING VALIDATION...

About two weeks ago, an acquaintance, asked if I 'd like to meet up with his friend (an IEEE member and senior exec in a large telco) - to which I said yes - of course! - any time.  The appointment was pushed back until after Easter to clear the holiday period. 

This week, a firm date was made for today at noon in the city.  

Yesterday, confirmed to meet 'there', rather than travel in together.
This morning, I pulled myself together, wobbled up to the bus stop, caught a bus and train, arrived a bit early to ensure I wasn't a spanner in the works.  Texted my host to let him know I was outside the building... as time grew closer I moved inside and updated where to look for me...
Appointment time comes and goes...  Ten minutes later the phone rings. 12:10pm... "Oh sorry, I saw your message!, it completely slipped my mind. A family matter cropped up and I'm still at home".  

"I'll call the person we are seeing to see if he can still meet up with you."
Another five minutes pass - kindly, the person is in front of me - apologizing as he has another meeting at 12:30.  Let's have a coffee.  

Of course I'm appreciative, and have a water while he drinks his coffee - and small talk for 10 minutes to 'scope each other out', then five minutes of 'what could we offer each other' - very useful, but way too short. Sigh (again).
At least we exchanged email addresses, and hopefully I can interest him with some documents about Freedom/Diversiti, and perhaps PingThing and Manifesto.

Fingers crossed.  Seems to be my permanent state of professional engagement!

Over my life, I've never taken risks.... yet it seems that I've ultimately failed at everything.  Look where I am now.

I also have never learned how to relax. Ever.  The good news is that I can sleep almost anywhere at any time - so my recovery cycle seems ok... apart from all the serious health problems!

Date and time is virtually irrelevant in this diary.

I've been in the same situation for four years, that leaves me in the #WTD category unless something happens magically.  I'm not a big believer in magic, so I just plough on with what I have until my turn is over.

Yikes.  I just saw a guy who became a pop-culture icon because played the first complete flawless game of PacMan in the 1980s... still being dragged out in the 20x0s as a cultural benchmark... I was really following the wrong values as I grew up!

-------

I'd really like to be of some value to someone.

I made plenty of mistakes, but didn't kill anyone!  Literally no one seems to have a use for me in their circle.

No-one I know seems keen to have me around, or to be around me.  I'm obviously not interesting, or valid in their world... and that includes my children!  I often ask, or try to engage with them, but get brushed off or 'forgotten'.  I know this isn't unusual for parents and kids, but it's been almost continuous for 3 or 4 years, and they're not 'kids' any more.

If AEC and MADC have children, I hope they respect their parents.

What are friends?

I know people, but there us no social interaction, and if I visit them... to fill in time, I feel like they have better things to do!  I can't remember the last time I experienced any light-hearted social interaction... perhaps 5-10 years ago? 

Still no callback from the guy I was introduced to three weeks ago.  I guess I'm not relevant despite the fact they set it up, and he asked for more info...?!

There are a huge number of 'nasty' people out there.

I've begun to notice, that with all my spare time - I go to technology forums, and offer to help, or even one-on-one guidance t the OP... but there is always one uninvited 'sniper' that wants to shut you down before you start.

Haters always gonna be haters!

3am.  I hate every aspect of my life.  Oddly enough, even if I had no illness or 'conditions', each day simply reminds me of how much I've failed to achieve in the last ten years... and when I have, some other jerk has taken that opportunity away.  What a sook!

It's a bit disconcerting... I look at my situation, low-level speeding tickets, Lack off engagement and many other factors... every day, I wonder, and sometimes quietly hope this might be the last.  I'm not actively thinking order trying, but life and circumstances make feel this way.  Whether it pain, isolation, lack of fulfilment or a combination - that's my story.  What's worse, the is that I am able to talk about it fairly openly with people.

My opinion doesn't seem to be worth a bean.  Ever, to anyone.

I've only ever succeeded when working within my own head... whether that's because I'm antisocial or just smell bad, I don't know.

Let's combine...

Hyperthymia (Bipolar IV)

Diabetes. 70 tabs and week, insulin)

Significant Neuropathy in hands and lower legs.

Unemployment & lack of assets/resources

Age

Invisibility(!) & WTD

Apply/contract employers - zero response.

Only driving is to buy food, petrol, and drop/pickup daughter.

Income is Newstart only.  Ineligible for DSP!

I really don't know whether I complain too much, or not enough.

All I do know, us that I can't stand on my legs/feet in the mornings, walking barefoot on carpet is very painful, and only if I'm wearing cross-trainers can I walk at all in genera situations.

No running, climbing of any sort ever.

Standing for any length of time is painful, tiring.

Sitting then standing up us always a challenge- especially from anything other than a sturdy chair...

I just recalled a time back when I must have been 17, when JSH/JSC took me to a child psychologist in Hornsby...  the outcome was that I was more sane than she was!   That didn't go down well, but it makes me think that perhaps hyperthymic personality was appearing earlier than I thought...?

....

Well, I should have known better...

I drove AEC to university (50km round trip), so she could carry her artwork...  she needed to bring them back later - so I offered to pick her up later in the day (another 50k).  My greeting, because I had paid for parking around the corner... ""Why did you get out of the car?  It's embarrassing!". OOOOK.

It's been a month since I was invited to that non-meeting in the city.  Still no response after sending my papers... WTF !!

Today started early... FMA asked me to check her car for a strange noise... nothing untoward, other than she needs to go to Dandening... no noises, then needs to go to GW... no noises.  I was going to have a coffee with her, but was put off by the country's nstant droning on about how bad the kids are. I accept they are probably trying to stay away from us, but to rattle on for 30 minutes endlessly while I'm captive. Unproductive. No wonder I didn't want to sit down for another 15 minutes.

I went out to mow the nature strip, but stumbled and fell after a couple of minutes... reluctantly had to give up before I really hurt myself... Luckily nobody saw, otherwise I'd have a lot more to answer for!

This was quite scary, as a wake up call to how incredibly vulnerable I am at any given moment on any day. Life would be s over unless I can pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Don't mow the lawn when you can't feel your legs!

Luckily I was wearing jeans...!

Just to see what luck I can muster up, I pinged the telco executive by email, to see whether he had any suggestions...

Next day... that collapse yesterday, one top of my general state if mind... has really dented my confidence.  I need to regroup.

I just realised that I could not be more 'alone' if I tried. Literally.

No friends, not opportunity, no means of support, no place to live. Nothing that I have a say in to make things better.

It would be really nice if I could think of a meal I'd like - other than McDonalds, then go and buy/eat it.

That's not happening soon.

...

2016 - part 1 (Jan)

I started a new file at the beginning 2016, but the iPad application lost it - so I stopped until now.
March 12th
I'm so bored.  I have been trying to stay occupied (to fend off negative thoughts), but without friends or the means to mingle, I get so depressed and lonely.  Centrelink have been up to their usual tricks - delaying payments... but I expect that is the tip of the iceberg - I think they'll cut off my food allowance next month, so let's see what happens then!
Gas supply has failed today - called AGL, and they didn't know who our distributor was - so while they were on the phone - I looked it up (on their website!), and told them off for useless service.
I'm glad he's already got a job, because I certainly wouldn't hire him!

I sent this to the LETTERS column yesterday...

The rise and incidence of 'mental illness' in modern society, has to prompt the question... Why?

How about considering the growth of objective, template-driven community leadership in the last forty years.  

Laws and rules are fine - for the greater good, not only for ease of administration.

People are not robots that conform to a set of rules because they're told to... Individuals need space to be - individual!  Leadership exists for the community, not the leaders themselves.  A simple concept that may solve a lot of social issues.

You know...
I'm not all that fussed any more about being 'liked'.  but I still yearn to be involved in a conversation on a regular basis.  This is one of the things that family and work would normally provide - and I don' have work, and the family seem pretty detached.  My illness - some sort of 'attachment' disorder.

I'm not so unusually generous or sharing, but I realised far too late, that I usually defer to let others have their way - even if I disagree with their choice.  it hasn't ended well.

I just went looking around the house to see who's home - no one.

The only phrase I can recall that AEC says occasionally, is 'Just stop talking'... and MADC - 'Close the door on your way out'...

FMA is different. She tells me (over and over and over...) how the kids aren't living up to her expectations of personal development, despite being popular and welcome everywhere exception at home...  heart breaking.

I honestly can't remember anything engaging they've said to me - no wonder I hide in my room all day and night!

Maybe this is why no one talks to each other - fear of being challenged of taking sides, or criticised for having your own standards...

I finally think I have a handle on my woes... not a solution, but some understanding.

I mentioned last year that commitment isn't a problem, but I seem to lack 'attachment' relationships...  i wa trying to figure out why, and when this started.

While I can fairly clearly tie it to around the time my mother died, I don't think it was directly related - simply a coincidence of being adolescent at the time.

What I'd clearly *not* recall, is having any carefree moments in my life.  I don't exactly know what that means, but I wasn't 'carefree' nor were the people I had connections with.  There was always a tension, sense of purpose, obligation... nothing ever happened because it just happened.  Yet I know and gave watched others all my life that learned how to relax, and ignore the status-quo for their own enjoyment... I simply always wanted to be part of things and to belong... and failed miserably on both counts.

Next chapter?

I feel happiness for my kids and others success and achievements, but am not happy myself.

Maybe that saying is true... happiness is overrated?

Happy 'Good Friday'

Every public holiday should come with a free prescription for Valium and anti-depressants.  Luckily I have both.  Good day sir.

Many, many years ago, I consciously took it upon myself to stimulate myself and those around me me - by asking questions, or answering in a way that would make the other person think a little harder... that was a complete flop, as I didn't realise the general population are dumber, and less interesting than a sack of sand on a beach.  All I achieved was to become isolated from being different.

What will I do very day when AEC doesn't need a lift?  The only other stuff I do us eat and sleep.

I'd like to do more, but it seems nobody wants what I sell!

Am I still alive, or just going through the motions?

This is a terrible thing to say, but I think I've given up looking for a reason to live.

I know it's Easter, and long slow days, but I'm just not interested any more - in anything.

Not a hunger strike, but I don't care if I eat or not.  Medication doesn't mean anything.  I'm just waiting to die.

I try to initiate conversations or discussions that can add to, but am routinely ignored. No response if engagement ever.  The idea is keep on trying until something comes through, but how long is long enough?

I reckon if you don't want to eat, can't walk properly, and live in a solitary existence long enough... it has to be a good indicator!

Oh well. I'll shut up and sit down again. My ideas aren't worth anything.

I'd like to laugh or smile sometimes.  Perhaps to talk with someone as well.

Even the cat gave me the brushoff!  She's slept in the middle of the hallway locked outside MADCs door, rather than on the bed with me!  

I just realised that I'm coming up for 4 years so nice I had a life of any sort...  Seven years since I had any dignity or self-confidence.   Yay. Let's celebrate.

Eat, sleep.

health and other issues

neuropathy

hands - weakness and lack of fine sensation in fingers.  dry skin... I think!

legs - not much below calves.  severely affects balance and stability on in level surfaces.

difficulty standing for any lengthy period.

walking in a straight line, getting up from unusual sitting or prone position.

both - prone to burns, cuts and scratches without realising!

metabolism...?

anxiety/panic very easily with recent circumstances, and lack of a social framework.

uncontrolled body swearing - even in cooler, or air conditioned spaces 

social skills were poor, now all but collapsed with lack of human interaction

I've always related better to 'things' than people...!

employment skills for 30+ years were very industry specific, and leading edge.  no equivalent walk-in opportunities after being out of the wider workforce for ten odd years (after mp)

Seventy tablets a week for metabolism, anxiety, blood pressure, cholesterol plus daily insulin.

______

7th March 2016 - I'm just lonely.

TL;DR the one page summary!

From as early as I can remember, I've been on this socially awkward spiral.

When we left Australia at age 5, it was the beginning of a sequence of events that would in various ways lead me to where I am today... 54 years later.

Those first couple of years, travelling to the US and Canada were mind opening, and stimulating - but introduced a couple of challenges.  The first was that we lived in multiple locations cations, attended different primary schools and had different circles of friends.  This was followed up with the older of my sisters breaking away, and returning to Australia separately - in hindsight, because she probably saw the problems it would cause her.  Indeed upon reflection, it may also have contributed to my other sister's challenges in her own life.

After returning to Australia, things settled down for a couple of years, then as my sisters married, my parents moved out to Lismore to run a hotel... again interesting, but it left me in a slightly different group of 'friends' while boarding for a couple of years.  

When that adventure was over, the family of three returned to a family house in Sydney, and around 2-3 years later, my mother died unexpectedly.  Around this time,, but I remember my earliest attempts at dating, and they weren't all that successful... perhaps a harbinger of things to come?  There were a couple of girls I adored, and did connect with, but for whatever reason (mothers, school work etc.) they fizzled out like most teen romances!

Within the next couple of years, dad and I moved three doors to my 'step mother-to-be' house when they married.  Another 18 months, and between my awkwardness and our incompatibility - I was asked to move out on my 18th birthday.

When I got my licence at 18, was when I also began working, and found myself in a wider social group, but recall never forming bonds for whatever reason.  Even Saturday nights, I would either drive around by myself, or move from party/place to place - not from one group of friends to another group.  I shared a flat with another guy for a year, but we were different people working at the same place.

I put a lot of effort into my job and hobbies - modestly succeeding... but neither required me to be socially adept.  I could fly under the radar.

At age 31, in some peculiar way, Lisa and I found each other - perhaps that she was falling out of a marriage, and was outwardly a social person... but in hindsight, quite clingy.  We purchased a small house, and had two daughters in 84/85 but obviously all wasn't well in my head, as that fell apart a couple of years later when I was offered a position to start a video production company from scratch in Malaysia... in 1987.  I went away, ostensibly for a 12 month contract, but only returned 11 years later.  Lisa divorced me obviously, and within the first couple of years, she asked if I would look after the girls for a year while she regrouped herself.

Of course, I didn't realise the gravity of what I'm writing now, and desperately wanted to be loved - and   hooked up with Fatimah... we were both needy, but the worst people either of us could have picked.  We were lucky that she was busy as a lecturer, and I was occupied in the TV industry... but that was a limited time opportunity - both because of my non citizen status, and my broken personality.

We had a boy and girl in 93/97, and moved back to Melbourne to a good job opportunity for me.

That was a great job, and gave me some good exposure in my areas of interest... sadly, I spotted opportunities, but didn't realise that I lacked the social networking skills to bring them together...  I resigned to follow my dreams and almost fell flat on my face... sometimes with the help of others (PC & his hydroauditing project).

Luck saved me with the chance to develop a completely new solution, product and business - mediaproxy, which became an almost overnight success.  Selling internationally with a good reputation.  My mistake was believing in myself, and taking on a business partner that loved himself a little more than our business relationship.

My own business naivety, lack of social ability, and simple mistakes allowed him to steal the whole company in 2007/8.  

By this time, at age 55, my unmanaged diabetes, which was diagnosed in 2000 - was beginning to manifest, and the added stress of becoming unemployed and broke - accelerated the symptoms.  I had put all my eggs in one basketball-again - and painted myself into a corner without leaving windows open.

I tried looking for work in the 'old places' but the industry had moved on, and my skills were very specific to a narrow set of industries that had moved forward in the meantime.   I took a technical sales related job, but as a non-social person, that was a very limited success, and lasted a year before we mutually agreed that I'd be better doing something else...!  A year later, I secured a role as technical guru to support another sales based company... this also lasted a year before the whole company imploded and went into receivership.

Back to the present.

The two older girls live in Sydney near their mother Lisa, and have been affected in their own ways by ear and my mistakes.  They have challenges that I can't fix, other than to offer love and guidance.

The two younger children have turned out really well, but without their being aware, I've been very conscious of making their lives as stable as possible despite clear differences in Fatimah and my parenting styles.  They'll be fine.

The story of my life.  You can only do what you think is right at the time. If you're underinformed, or lacking belief in yourself - you miss out on a lot.  When the time is gone, it's gone.

My life in 59 years.

Since nobody really knows me, perhaps it's appropriate that I compile as much as I know about my heritage and life - so my children and successors have some idea of the walking disaster I was!

21 June 1956. The San' hospital in Wahroonga NSW

Family lived in Beaconsfield Pde, E Lindfield...

Donald Hill ---- & June Lorraine (née Smith)

Virginia June (June 1946) and Jennifer Jill (July 1947)

Moved to 12 Welesley Rd, Pymble - approx 1958?

Mrs Buick's kindergarten on Mona Vale Rd, Pymble

East Gordon Public school for a year, then overseas on the Canberra - via Honolulu, to San Francisco and a couple of years living and travelling in the US and Canada.

18 Willingdon Blvd, Etobicoke (Toronto)... Marl Oak Drive in Highland Park (Chicago)...

Eventually departed from NY on Queen Mary to Southampton... then after a week, boarded the Oriana. Travelling via Cherbourg, Naples, the Suez, Port Said and Colombo -- we made it back to Fremantle, Melbourne and finally Sydney. 

Rented in Ada Ave, Wahroonga for a year, Returned to Warrawee Public School for 3rd grade, then shifted to Barker College in Waitara.

During this time, my parents moved into, and restored as a beautiful Australian homestead at 30 Hope St, Pymble.

First year of secondary, I was boarding, as the family purchased, moved and operated the Civic Hotel in Lismore NSW.  The Hope St house was spoiled by further renovations the later owners -sigh.

Upon returning from Lismore, they bought another house at 12 Cherry St, Turramurra as another renovation project.  We stayed there until my mother passed away, and moved about 18 months later when my dad remarried to Joan Hurst a few doors up the street at 2 Laurel Ave, Turramurra.

Started working...

(separate history!)

2 Jan 1982 married Lisa Mary Gleeson (b.17/2/57)

Stayed in Lisa's parents garage! to save money

18 Apr 1983 Kathleen Felicity xxxx

Purchased 51 Warrina St, Berowra Heights.

11 July 1984 Shannon June xxxx

::

July? 1987 - travelled to Malaysia to work

Rented in Highland Towers apartments...

Created Asia-Pacific Videolab

Married Fatimah Mat Aruf (b. 3/4/58) Malaysia

Purchased an apartment in Kuala Lumpur 

21 Nov 1993 Mat Alin xxxx

12 March 1997 Ariel Eshah xxxx

Freelanced, then joined MEASAT/Astro

Nov 1998 - returned to Melbourne.

Joined Philips - Telstra DVN and Seven Docklands

::

Diagnosed with Diabetes in 2000 (Monash Medical Centre)

Created mediaproxy, split / shared with Dragan @ xenon to support my ideas.

Various successes and failures through to 2007/8

Finances up & down as I kept reinvesting in myself when I should have been saving...

Left completely broke after MP was stolen by xenon partner (Dragan).

Health and opportunities collapsed after that...

2010 Tried sales from Techtel in Sydney, my heart not in it...

2012 Bumped over to Dataflex, but company was already imploding...

2013 return to Melbourne defeated.

neuropathy, isolation, unemployed...

... and here I am today.

2013 started my diary blog for anyone that wants to avoid 'being like me'.

People that I engage with

Dated 31 July 2015

• Wife, about three minutes every couple of days..
• Children, around the same.
• U3A group, two hours of volunteering, one to three days a week.
• Cafe servers, similar - two by three.
• Personal friends, around ten minutes a week - usually online.
• Doctors, pharmacy and other, ten minutes a week - averaged,

Something like ten minutes a day total human interaction averaged over each week.

That's it!  All the remaining time is alone, usually in the bedroom.

About an hour a week is in the car -- going to the shop or doctor.

Total for the time being...

Why is it like this?

My health is a significant concern, but primarily because I don't have any income or assets/savings left, it seems no-one wants me, and consequently I'm now too poor to reach out and survive at the same time.

There is a purgatory, and I live there... every hour of every day of every week...

(To be honest, I think ten minutes is way optimistic... my personal reality guess would be less than five.

The U3A time distorts it a lot).

I m not looking for virtual friends, or people to 'like' me... I want real friends that 'like' me, can laugh, share stories, opportunities and interests. Friends that I can see and touch, that are in the same city.