'Just recalled that when DHC passed-away back in 2006, that I used most of the 'estate settlement' to pay the credit vultures when it was received - so they can hardly say I was doing little to help them - at the expense of my family ! (Of course the interest has cranked it back up since then with my various issues.)
OK, let's summarise... anxiety, depression, unemployed, broke, and diabetes. Minus any social life or friends. A full life, perhaps a few gaps.
Tue 31 Dec ---
Mon 30 Dec ---
Sun 29 Dec ---
Tried to go out for food at 1045, FMA wanted to go out too for something else - so that limited my choice of menus. at 1245+ I finally managed to escape top buy a chicken wrap.
Sat 28 Dec ---
A bowl of muesli
3 slices of raisin bread
1/4 serve of curry w/rice (stale ikan bilis)
Fri 27 Dec ---
Thu 26 Dec ---
Wed 25 Dec ---
Merry bloody Christmas. Nothing happening here - thanks to me.
It would be nice if I could afford a round of fries for the family. Or even petrol to get there.
It would be nice if I could afford a round of fries for the family. Or even petrol to get there.
Tue 24 Dec ---
Mon 23 Dec ---
Fixed 5x camping chairs
Sun 22 Dec ---
Nothing at all
Raj & Sonia had dinner out back with us
Sat 21 Dec ---
Nothing
Fri 20 Dec
Thu 19 Dec
Wed 18 Dec
Tue 17 Dec
Mon 16 Dec
Sun 15 Dec ---
Camping - 4 trips to Geelong and back
Sat 14 Dec ---
Today is mum's camping trip.
I have maybe just enough petrol to make two trips to Barwon Heads - and no money or other fallback for the 7-10 days. Worried about food, petrol, and other - as well as having to repair the tyre, refill gas bottles and actually make it to Geelong and back.
Good news at last! The wheel nuts have been over tightened - so I had to buy a piece of pipe to get the nuts off (longer than I wanted $20). Took the 30% worn tyre to Bridgestone - who gleefully (a Christmas word) told me the nail/puncture was too big, and the $500 tyre couldn't be plugged. So no spare this year. (and I noticed possibly 3-4 other small nails - hah!) I've never had a flat on this car that could be repaired! $2000 in spares vs $80 in repairs. Merry Christmas.
Good news at last! The wheel nuts have been over tightened - so I had to buy a piece of pipe to get the nuts off (longer than I wanted $20). Took the 30% worn tyre to Bridgestone - who gleefully (a Christmas word) told me the nail/puncture was too big, and the $500 tyre couldn't be plugged. So no spare this year. (and I noticed possibly 3-4 other small nails - hah!) I've never had a flat on this car that could be repaired! $2000 in spares vs $80 in repairs. Merry Christmas.
Fri 13 Dec ---
Did I say Friday the 13th?
It could be worse. Today found a huge nail in my tyre. Fourth since owning the car (around 45000km per puncture),
Thu 12 Dec ---
Collected hoses for car.
More than 5 minutes of focused attention or light exertion - start to feel weak & light headed. Sit down for a couple of minutes every 5 - to recharge my metabolism.
1030 feeling nauseous - actually vomited a half cup - feel better
1130 Dandy - power steering flushed to stretch the life of the p/s pump.
1200 Snack bar spag-bol @ $7.00 plus a $3 drink. Great. Feeling better.
Putting radiator hoses in car - ready for driving tomorrow - even slightly warmer weather makes me weaker - more susceptible to light-headed-ness... also may consider that if it's colder - I don't start making physical effort. Should also add that whenever I exert in most conditions - I start to sweat quite early - and frequently. Oh well.
1030 feeling nauseous - actually vomited a half cup - feel better
1130 Dandy - power steering flushed to stretch the life of the p/s pump.
1200 Snack bar spag-bol @ $7.00 plus a $3 drink. Great. Feeling better.
Putting radiator hoses in car - ready for driving tomorrow - even slightly warmer weather makes me weaker - more susceptible to light-headed-ness... also may consider that if it's colder - I don't start making physical effort. Should also add that whenever I exert in most conditions - I start to sweat quite early - and frequently. Oh well.
Wed 11 Dec ---
Checked in on hose order - supplier missed them.
Back to 1-1/2 meals a day !
Back to 1-1/2 meals a day !
Tue 10 Dec ---
Ordered hoses - but they didn't arrive s stated,
Mon 09 Dec ---
1105 WeetBix and milk.
No radiator hose or cash - so a day in with TV
Sun 08 Dec ---
Sat 07 Dec ---
Oh well. It's relatively minor. Radiator hose broke on my car this afternoon. But why didn't the temperature rise inordinately - yet the motor was effectively dry - after 1km drive to home.
Fri 06 Dec ---
1030 Met Alan for coffee at Caulfield. Discussed LED paddle concept.
Thu 05 Dec ---
Not much today.
Wed 04 Dec ---
Thanks to whomever stole my phone and cards last night.
Just a heads-up, none of them are worth anything - than the Medicare and Diabetes cards.
Phone SIM and IMEI are blocked - so that's a dud too.
Not having to get a new licence would be convenient.
No questions asked if they magically reappear - I need the Medicare card for various doctor appointments.
1300 visit psychologist for last session. Quite interesting - it seems I'm ok, but very misunderstood.
1300 visit psychologist for last session. Quite interesting - it seems I'm ok, but very misunderstood.
Tue 03 Dec ---
Just down in the dumps...
1115 get holter monitor fitted
1350 check in - nothing going on here
I have an opinion on everything, the problem is that no-one wants to hear them!
1100 meet FMA friends at Knox
1115 sausage roll
1300 pepsi max
1600 feeling constipated - first time in many months... hope it works out!
1800 one 'small truck' and a 'car' 'out of the tunnel'... maybe more to come.
2000 avo pasta. light but nice
2300 peanut butter and jam!
1000 eat something then drop laser to Malvern
1830 coffee meeting at Box Hill
Psych at 1000
1130 visited Men's Shed. Intetesting but costs $$. Maybe later.
Blood test - easy
Chinese rice w/ chicken
1130 Watch tv (yaay)
Received callback for Sydney job ad.
1700 1km walk with FMA
2030 meat balls!
Back to TV - boring.
1400 Leftover salad
1300 still in bed watching TV. .. not because I don't want to get out, but that I don't have anything to do - and can't afford to do anything else!
1430 bowl of cereal - woo hoo!!
1545 thinking about food! Nothing available.
1800 rode with mum to collect AEC from work
2130 chicken wrap
Slow for the rest of the day.
1500 visit to psych. Bssics if first appointment. Seems nice.
2330 call out to 'rescue' AEC & friends from a rowdy party !!
Mon 02 Dec ---
Not much happening.Sun 01 Dec ---
1030 wash face and take pills.I have an opinion on everything, the problem is that no-one wants to hear them!
God I need to get a life! I just realised that I was scanning the credits of a feature film as they scrolled past - to identify the ethnic heritage of the two hundred people Involved... sigh.
Sat 30 Nov ---
18 hrs a day in bed + 4 hrs in lounge, remainder split between car, garage and bed / lounge.
Fri 29 Nov ---
1000 unblocked the drain with a solid donation!
1620 unloaded a litre of mixed compost...
1900 I still drram of ideas - as if I still have the means to chase them. Very frustrating.
Fri 29 Nov ---
1000 unblocked the drain with a solid donation!
1620 unloaded a litre of mixed compost. ...
Thu 28 Nov ---
Had a good #2 earlier today.... followed by a 'religious'experience !!
0630 lay awake. Sit up. Walk to pee. Four steps back to bed. Collapse on last step - half on bed, displace side table. All back to normal.
2300 collect AEC... Voted Miss Heartbreaker at Y11 formal !!! That's my girl.
Wed 27 Nov ---
Well at least I still have a sense of humour!
AEC formal tonight. An angel.
Tue 26 Nov ---
I used to be a dumbass - believing that if you keep trying, you will eventually succeed.. now I recognize Pavlov's idea that if you get swatted down enough times, you learn your place and role in the greater scheme.
2000 food! Premade enchilada. Yum. Needed thst.
Mon 25 Nov ---
Bruce came over and I explained my situation.
2345 is it so impossible for everyone in the world to believe and accept that I'm at a complete loss in my life?
Sun 24 Nov ---
its interesting how a couple of months change one's priorities. Basically I've given up now, so the essentials of opportunity and mobility are no longer a priority. It comes down to food and medication - and they're sinking fast.
Good luck to.me..
Sat 23 Nov ---
1600 so far today... banana, small apple and peanut butter and jam sw.
Going to have a shower when I'm.
strong enough.
1700 AEC made organic nachos - yum
2000 mum wants to make food for me but although I'm in pain from hunger all day - i also feel nauseous. But I don't want to eat because I can't afford to. It's really that simple.
To be honest, I'm frightened. I don't have a light at the end of my tunnel.
It's a crappy feeling that I see the only option is to get out of the way so others can have a better shot.
2130 it can't be a good sign... eating vegies & leek soup alone with silent tears on my cheeks.
Fri 22 Nov ---
Collected new prescription for giardia...
0930 brekky wrap
Purchased extended prescription
getting bettter but need goals and incentives...
I've got to admit that I'm really not interested in chasing empty opportunities any more. Come to me or leave me alone.
1400 nasi lenak
1700 nas8 lenak
I really hate people that ask a finite question - but don't want hear an answer. Simple.
Thu 21 Nov ---
Feeling a bit better.. but nothing to do
Wed 20 Nov ---
Tummy back to BAD!
1300 visit psychologist
1430 purchased subway not eaten
1630 drink tea - no food yet
1730 ate 4 inches of subway chicken + salad
- threw up about 1.5 inches straight after.
2000 finushed the subway - so far so good
Tue 19 Nov ---
Giardia meds seem to be working yaay! After a monyh of pain and nausea.
Returned bio sample to pathology
Mon 18 Nov ---
0900 doctir visit
1600 chicken wrap
1800 took prescription for giardia (tummy)
Captured ssmple for pathology
2100 beef and vegies
Sun 17 Nov ---
Of the four or so conversations I have each day, most of them are simple expressions of interest in what other people have been up to, trying to generate some interaction.
The remainder are incoming requests for basic information like 'whats the time' from a person sitting next to me - in front of a clock.. and now you cant understand why I'm bored and frustrated!.
0900 reno seminar in town
1400 fried rice
Sat 16 Nov ---
1000 One slice dry bread
1400 500ml iced coffee
1600 four golf-ball size chicken kiev minis
2100 rice with tofu
Fri 15 Nov ---
1200 have to get up soon to drive AEC to work.
Thu 14 Nov ---
Nothing new, but I'm sure no-one knows or understands what it's like to spend 20 hours a day feeling nauseous, faint or physically weak (or sll three) underpinned with physical pain and lack of means or opportunity...
1030 bowl of noodles - big help.
Today's discovery: If I have a phone, paper money and chewing gum pellets in my pocket... I can feel the phone, the gum feels chunky like keys, and I can't feel the paper at all until the phone is removed.
Wed 13 Nov ---
Two McMuffins
Two Weet Bix
2145 feeling like there is nothing for me. Just sit diwn and shut up until my time comes.
2220 noodles in kitchen but not inclined. Just sad.
Tue 12 Nov ---
Two Chiko rolls
Mon 11 Nov ---
Nothing substantially different...
Sun 10 Nov ---
Sat 09 Nov ---
Fri 08 Nov ---
Thu 07 Nov --
0600 depart for Rohan trip
banana
1000 diet coke + choc bar
1300 coffee and cookie
Wed 06 Nov --
Why am I hesitant to do *anything*?
A simple fear of failure. I have nothing to fall back on any more... financial, health, time or emotional. There us no basement in this situation. The next floor diwn is hell.
0915 thinking about geting up.
1030 1x slice pizza
Write 2x RER letters for FMA
1030 1x slice pizza
Write 2x RER letters for FMA
1500 visit psych
1930 bowl of fried rice
Tue 05 Nov ---
0900 apple
1000 2x McMuffins
1045 some home mum snack things
2030 4x slices pizza
Mon 04 Nov ---
1245 ten chicken nuggets
1300 meet mum at Holmesglen
1900 chicken wrap
Sun 03 Nov ---
0800 a few small nuggets in a single 'push'!
1300 a few more nuggets (better!)
1400 a chicken burger
2000 tofu, vegies, noodles and rice
Sat 02 Nov ---
0540 Wake up1100 meet FMA friends at Knox
1115 sausage roll
1300 pepsi max
1600 feeling constipated - first time in many months... hope it works out!
1800 one 'small truck' and a 'car' 'out of the tunnel'... maybe more to come.
2000 avo pasta. light but nice
2300 peanut butter and jam!
Fri 01 Nov ---
0800 No plans yet1000 eat something then drop laser to Malvern
1830 coffee meeting at Box Hill
Foreword...
Raising children is like making paper planes...
The trick is how you fold them. But no matter how good your skills or design, flying will be severely hampered if you don't let go at the right time. - mdc 2013
if anyone is wondering why I'm keeping this diary, its because I have nothing else that I can do - and hope the progression of events may help someone understand my predicament to help others in the future.
Thu 31 October ----
0640 went to pee. Felt light headed. Started back to bed and collapsed/fainted next to bed for a couple of seconds. Spilling jug of water on table. Fun
1020 whats wrong with my gut? Several healthy but loose visits to the loo. But only after a couple of non event days!
2000 stir fried noodles with family
Wed 30 October ---
0830 drive to Wonthaggi with Raj
1000 pepsi and pie
using a knife and fork has become interesting.
1400 chicken mini burger and shake!
Tue 29 October ---
0900 three sausages and baked beans
1200 docklands fir AEC interview
1400 KFC Twister meal
Mon 28 Oct ---
How nice it would be to feel my legs pushing into and exploring the sheets at bedtime. To turn pages easily, or not to feel sone form of distracting discomfort 18 hours a day.
Oh well someone else can take over those little things.
Just waiting, filling my time with very little.
1000 envelopes for RER
1115 Hungry Jack brunch.
2100 beef & rice = nice
Sun 27 October ---
I'd like to introduce a metaphor.
My soul is standing in front of a target.
'I' am a gun - being aimed at that target, with a very tight cluster of critical target zones... mobility, food and medication - surrounded by 'opportunity'.
I can only shoot and hit one patch at a time - but the clincher is that most of the time I don't have*any* bullets anyway... I need help.
0900 considering what to do if I get out of bed..
1300 aussie burger yum.
2100 AEC made nice veg pasta - great
Sat 26 October ---
0845 bored & still weak
1245 oops. Drive thru -no money for brekky!
Went to woolues for mum's sugar $1.10 plus a bread roll - I'm so happy
1455 I.must be a real idiot. I decided to wait until around 1pm to eat with mum's guests... but they haven showed up and I'm a bit hungry for brekky
1700 mee rebus & pavlova -great.
Fri 25 October ---
0750 I hate feeling weak, emoty and useless 24 hours a dsy. It really starts to get you down after a while. No feeling or purpose seems to make me feel better in any way. Having a distressed stomach just completes the immersion.
1015 small cup of yoghurt
1045 I'd love to get up, go out and be productive - and see people. But no regular food, money or fuel seems to cramp that a bit. I only exist thanks to leftovers and offerings from FMA
1145 heated some rice and leftovers to make a brunchy-lunch.
1500 collect and drop AEC to Chaddie.
Return one CL8 mini to Alan. Collect CL8 tool.
Thu 24 October ---
0600 Gurgle gurgle
No intetest in bread, rice, frozen veg, milk, water or yoghurt anymore. There must be a way to eat well regularly without being dissatisfied.
1020 it can't be good if I feel like faintung 2-3 times a day! My gut feels like it's shrinking and writhing to become as small as possible. Notpain as such, but a continuous effort that is uncomfortable and distracting every other thought I want to have.
1130 pan fried a frozen chiko roll we bought a couple of months ago. Yum.
Wed 23 October ---
0220 a very satisfying donation to the environment! I think we're on the riad to feeling better.
1000 peanut butter & jam on Toast
FMA has no idea of property terminology.
1300 visit #3 to psychologist
1430 view Sydenham house
1700 really hungry!
1745 frozen veg with leftover pasta - yay!
2240 toast with marmalade. Back to normal.
Tue 22 October ---
Collected laser to repair
Bluetooth for pendant project.
Tummy 85%
Mon 21 October ---
Quiet day. Tum still not 100%
Saw doc. Recommended yoghurt, and give it afew mire ssts.
Sun 20 October ---
0230 gurgling windy tum
1200 generally feeling 90%++
Workshop has been informative
Sat 19 Ovtober ---
Slept well.
Generally a lot better today.
A bit fragike late morning better in evening.
Two full meals today!
Fri 18 October ---
0430 arrive Sydney
0730 acid spit - feels better!
Felt a lot better in the aftrtnoon evening.
Two meals todsy!
Thu 17 October ---
Prepare for a long drive tonight.
1115 I'll have to see what's in the cupboard (not hopeful) as I can't afford to buy anything.
1215 the old fallback - vegies n rice, followed by a scoop of ice cream.
1720 depart drive to sydney
Wed16 October ---
1030 rice & vegies
1200 almost afraid to eat or go out to shops.
I have around $20 but cincerned about gastro coming back unexpectedly. On the other hand I'm physically pretty weak and have 9 hrs travel tomorrow to RER seminar.
I wonder if there are bulk bill physiotherapists?
It woukd be grest to get some flexibility into my feet...
1300 decided to try some Maccas dince it's quite bland. Tasted good and staying down!
Stsrting to feel close to normal.
Tue 15 October ---
0515 get up. Feel a lot better but not perfect.
drank 500ml water.
I get really discouraged when I see happy, laughing people enjoying 'normal' life. Why can't I enjoy life and make life more fun and enjoyable for my kids ?
There is $40 in bank, so I can pull out $20 for petrol for doctor visit and maybe $10 for something to eat. Yay.
1000 peanut butter and jam sandwich
1245 out to get petrol n food
1300 subway tuna n salad on oat roll
1500 Doctor gave an anti-puke injection and
recommended I drink gastrolyte or similar.
2000 feeling a bit better. Eat second half if tuna sub.
Mon 14 October ---
0500. AEC comes in for some reason. FMA computer decides to wail. .. so I get up to start the day.--- let's watch TV.
Tum still groaning. I'm almost afraid to eat anything because of my gut congestion.
1015 the gates opened - almost too soon - while driving on Eastern Fwy. Dranh 300ml OJ over 15 mins.
1115 looking at mx5 feeling really dizzy & sick - refunded 300ml of OJ into the gutter.
Short visits to loo #2. Greenish? !!!
1320 Two slices of bread - yum
1520 tummy still not great. Maybe I need food to push things along?
oops another 500ml liquid in the bucket (bitter acidic)
1545 visit #2 again... slowly getting there
1555 add 500ml liquid to the oral expulsion.
1715 another 300ml !!
1800 getting hungry for something to settle the tum.
oops too soon ! 1805 dinated 300ml to the bucket fund.
1900 ate some chicken and rice which stayed down.
Sleep
Sun 13 October ---
0800 Tummy gurgling again
Even grocery shopping - I feel faint. Quick let's get back to the car & home.
Can't even choose between bread as I feel my choice will be wrong in some way. Oops - same for jam spread.
1100 Three days wavrring between fainting and wanting to throw up can't be a good thing!
Sat 12 October ---
0530 Tummy still unsettled but no."outwsrd manifestation"!
1015 Evacuation has started... wind powered 'choc sauce'
Had a slice of bread.
1200 no milk equals no cereal...
1245 eat bag of corn chips / start defrost chevap
1610 zero. discouraged.bored. misunderstood.
1830 ate some chevap and thin noodles
Unable to take AEC to party... no petrol!!
Fri 11 October ---
Still here!
High point for today will probably be the car lift out in the newspaper (It wasn't that great!)
0930 HJ for brekky
Returned a Robe CW575AT - still waiting for other parts (4 wks now!!)
0930 HJ for brekky
Returned a Robe CW575AT - still waiting for other parts (4 wks now!!)
1800 met up with MADC at WH
1930 peanut butter on bread
2100 used last fuel to collect AEC
Thu 10 October ---
Ate HJ for brunch
Watched TV
1630 Collected MH light for repair
Wed 09 October ---
Schnitzel sandwich.. (last?)Psych at 1000
1130 visited Men's Shed. Intetesting but costs $$. Maybe later.
Tue 08 October ---
Drop psych homework to DrBlood test - easy
Chinese rice w/ chicken
1130 Watch tv (yaay)
Received callback for Sydney job ad.
1700 1km walk with FMA
2030 meat balls!
Mon 07 October ---
0950 get up for a slice of bread.Back to TV - boring.
1400 Leftover salad
Sun 06 October---
DST begins @ 03001300 still in bed watching TV. .. not because I don't want to get out, but that I don't have anything to do - and can't afford to do anything else!
1430 bowl of cereal - woo hoo!!
1545 thinking about food! Nothing available.
1800 rode with mum to collect AEC from work
2130 chicken wrap
Sat 05 October ---
11am out of bed to pay rent for FMASlow for the rest of the day.
Fri 04 October ---
Slow start1500 visit to psych. Bssics if first appointment. Seems nice.
2330 call out to 'rescue' AEC & friends from a rowdy party !!
Thu 03 October ---
Went to the distressed property seminar... it looks good, but there's always more to it than meets the eye!
FMA is keen and I can see the good, but terrified of getting caught spending $$$ into something we can't manage.
Wed 02 October ---
Slow start. No plans today.
People have occasionally suggested I should branch out, or write a book... I've certainly thought about it, but lack confidence in a topic or in gaining acceptance. I don't have anyone that I can collaborate with or bounce ideas off. Maybe? one day.
Tue 01 October ---
0220 - 0800 Please don't ever eat garlic again. Unable to stay in bedroom due to gagging from 'garlic breath'. Absolutely unbearable!
I don't know how to describe my hand & feet physical limitations, but in the same breath I don't want to go into details in case I sound like I'm seeking attention or whingeing!
Mon 30 Sep ---
0940 wondering what to do...
Made it. Another month.
Mon 30 Sep ---
A slow start! 1045 still in bed .
1230 Just waiting for nothing on borrowed time.
I wish I could eat what I want, when I want, and where I want... instead I have to sneak out - feeling guilty that I can't afford to feed anyone else (hard enough finding $10 for me)
Even then its once a day at best. Sigh. No wonder I'm weak.
Throughout my adult life my identity was defined by my profes5onal skills. After MP was stolen from me, I haven't had a bearing or path to pick up on. Health then rolled in to limit the possibilities, and subsequently bled me dry from my own mistakes.
Bought $115 worth of prescriptions with mum's money. That will keep me alive for a couple more months. Now tofibd food.
Sun 29 Sep ---
Credit to FMA. She can't say no to her friends, but over commits herself financially and time-wise.
Scary. Even a simple task like getting out of bed, remove the sheets to the washer - makes me feel light headed and nauseous - like fainting. Not new, but maybe I should start looking at survival before security!
I'm trying to understand how I got here.
I don't think I ever learned how to make and keep friends. I can remember countless birthdsys, Christmas and new years when I was alone - often for days. I do remember in.my teens being described by family as snti-social, but I think.it was more complex than that. I liked people but was awkward and chise not to embarass myself. I never dsnced, or did msny of the frivolous things that my peers did. I did go to a dance once when I wsd about 18 and remember being asked 'sre you ok' when I was trying to fit in... !
This sounds like a storyline from Big Bang Theory - the story of my life - except that they have ftiends! Although somehiw I did get married twice - and stuffed that up too.
Sat 28 Sep ---
Pretty quiet today.
I wrote some notes for BT-ALERT
Fri 27 Sep ---
Started well. A call from Bruce C, asking to discuss a Bluetooth/App project
I came back and prepared some initial notes and diagrams to confirm the proposal - and will proceed if he thinks it's worth moving forward.
Oh dear.... The matriarch is planning for me to follow her to a buy-renovate-flip seminar next week??! No deposit needed??! I csn only guess at the 'deal' being offered.
Thu 26 Sep ---
0300 had a can of soup
0800 Almost the end of another month, and I have achieved zero in reaching others or my own goals. I exist... that's all.
Wed 25 Sep ---
Went to see my financial advisor - tweaked a few things, and discovered that my life policy owes me more than $20K in overpaid premiums.... hoping I see that one day.
Also recounted how I was seeking to refresh my skillset about two years ago - approaching TAFE and Open University... three contacts later and not a single return call or info pack as promised. That was then.
Dropped a repaired dimmer back to Darren
Also recounted how I was seeking to refresh my skillset about two years ago - approaching TAFE and Open University... three contacts later and not a single return call or info pack as promised. That was then.
Dropped a repaired dimmer back to Darren
Back home. TV
Fir some people, simple tasks are a challenge. Complex tasks are beyond discussion.
Tue 24 Sep ---
A bit of activity today
Put $30 petrol from laser repair money
IKEA meatballs with kids (spent $30 of my last $40)
Took kids to station for uni, and Chaddy for work papers.
Bought $10 part & repaired a small dimmer - hope to get paid tomorrow
Health still a bit fragile - quite woozy several times while out and walking (shops etc)
So far so good
Put $30 petrol from laser repair money
IKEA meatballs with kids (spent $30 of my last $40)
Took kids to station for uni, and Chaddy for work papers.
Bought $10 part & repaired a small dimmer - hope to get paid tomorrow
Health still a bit fragile - quite woozy several times while out and walking (shops etc)
So far so good
Mon 23 Sep ---
I've been accused (and readily admit) to self-pity... but I have to ask... 'What else can I do?'
0830 - Status Update
- Mobility - 30% - reduced due to car problrm and no gas moneyl
- Food & MealsF - 30% - same as before
- Medication - 100% - will need to replenish next week
- Motivation / opportunity - 20% - same
1100 coffee & croissant out with family.
1700 getting hungry for a meal...
1900 it can't be good having hakf a meal today!
2000 gave up and bought pizzas
Sun 22 Sep ---
1100 out of bed - take AEC fo chaddy
oh joy - check engine kight is flashing. .. I th9ught I would go before the car!
1430 brunch - vegemite roll
1500 afternoon tea? Fish fingers
1800 re-repaired a laser - for not much.mire than the cost of petrol to collect and return it !
Sat 21 Sep ---
FMA is having a sleepover today - off to Geelong
1100 it's incredibly lonely and boring - just sitiing in bed, watching tv without means or people to engage with.
1145 realised that I was daydreaming about a stick and a block if wood! Quite a contrast to the past when I'd be conceptualising some unexplored technoloy!!
That reminded me of PentaPad - a project I documented for myself back around 1986 for a graphicd based handheld tablet with an LCD and navigation bsrs at the edges. .. oh well. (The only witness to that was Mike Chevalier at Bellcom in Sydney- now passed on)
1800 another day wasted
Fri 20 Sep ---
0745 An example of my normal thought processes...
I was th8nking how I would live to have a companion animal... that quickly led me to the word company, and rapidly spilled into a lexical analysis of companion, compatriot, college, collegial, colleague and so on... I 9nly stopped in order to write this post..!
Overthinking def8ned!
Thu 19 Sep ---
New anti-depressant may be working... I find that I'm not second guessing myself and less likely to Q&A in my subconscious all the time.
Lots of tv then went to knox with FMA & AEC
Wed 18 Dep ---
0830 drive AEC to school
- nothing -
1600 back to bed & tv
2200 oh well after a good sleep I can do it all agai!
Tue 17 Sep ---
$21 in the bank. But I need to eat something. Having so much fun. Maybe some leftovers if I'm lucky. Nup... back to Weetbix. Toast & fish fingers.
Mon 16 Sep ---
Nothing special today other than typing some of this on pc but not appearing on android. .. is that a surprise? Not teally.
l must be needy/clingy for conversation... the debt collectors called today and I kept yabbering for half an hour!!
Sun 15 Sep ---
1100 still sitting in bed?,! Waiting...
FMA has friends coming over this morning, and I'm planning for a coffee while they do what they do. Unfortunately I can only afford one trip to the food source - so I have to wait until they come. This non lifestyle sucks.
1115 warning to readers. If you don't get out of bed for two days or eat - you start to feel faint and weak.
Sat 14 Sep ---
'Hearing voices!' isn't being overwhelmed or driven by 'other' people's voices, rather it is my own inner voice raising hypothetical questions and scenarios - all the time... for the last 15 years.
That's why I'm never relaxed - because those timescwhen I'm notboccuoied with something directly, my mind switches to 'save the world' mode!!
Being assessed as depressed is quite a big step from feeling depressed. Now I feel like shit..
I feel like Pavlov's dog... every.time the ohine dings or warbles - I jumpbto it hop8ng fir feedback or an opportunity.
1245 minor chunder - maybe nee med??
Fri 13 Sep ---
A realisation before 0700...
* AEC earns more than I do, by working after school as a grocery cashier.
1530 see the doc - maybe I can get a stupidity pension??!
1630 Dr says most recent assessment puts me at high anxiety, raised stress and severe depression. Added anti-depressants to the list and bumped BP med up to Plus version..
2000 shocking realisation that I would be unable to get home from chaddy if I lost FMA ! Not enough for a taxi!
Thu 12 Sep ---
A new day. No cash left.
Home alone since 1540 - tv is my friend
Wed 11 Sep ---
I'm looking forward to the reason that I'm taking all these pills!
if I walk and move slowly enough - the days and nights seem shorter.
Tue 10 Sep ---
Today's highlight: a KFC wrap for lunch.
if I dared to say how I feel, I'd lose the roof over my hesd.
Mon 09 Sep ---
I could probabky live productively with diabetes, but living without a purpose is much harder because you don't know what you're dealing with.
I expect my funeral will only be attended by a small number of people - since there are so few that want to say 'hello'... why would there be any more that want to say 'goodbye'?!
Sun 08 Sep ---
Made it through another week.
Just discovered that AEC has.a replacement iPhone. Why or how? Ask FMA
FMA & AEC went our somewhere all day. I took MADC to work, and stopped to have table lunch - really nice time.
Sat 07 Sep ---
Did my community thing... voted below the line - to help keep the government honest!
Fri 06 Sep ---
I can't think of a reason to get out of bed yet @ 1000 am. No means, no opportunity, no health.
I lay on or under the sheets, not because they're comfortable or embracing... I can't feel that sensation any more in my arms or legs. It's just because I'm bored far beyond any ability or effort I have access to.
I'd love to be working, but it apoears that nobody wants what I have! Even the TAFE and Open Edu career consellors didn't call me back last year!
1100am Cruel and unusual punishment.
I want to do something, anything. I'm limited to talking to.myself and keeping this blog.
I literally don't have the means, capacity or ability to move outside my space as defined by circumstance. I feel worthless - like a oiece of irrelevant nothing, and no-one hears when I call or reach for help.
1715 whoa! FMA came home. Something set off a yelling session with AEC. She asked me to come out to.make food as she'd 'had enough'. I told her to go in bedroom to let things settle down. Discovered food I'd bought was 'gone' and she left to get away from confrontation - probably the best thing to do.
Thank god for TV. If not for telly - I wouldn't have laughed for at least a year. Sad.
I hate to say this in writing, but FMA needs to understand her role as an adult. A meltdown is not an option with teens in the house.
Thu 05 Sep ---
Returned SWARM prototypes to RayK in Berwick.
That's all.
1130 pm I have no idea what I'm staying alive for. All I do is consume a bit of food and oxygen - along with some fuel when I can afford to drive around aimlessly visiting contacts that have better things to do than talk with me. The rest of the time is sleeping or watching TV
Wed 04 Sep ---
I had a disturbing 'daymare' as I woke today. It also made me think about how researchers can't reach in and understand the forces at work in thise people with psychological issues.
.
?? Are they seriously thinking about sending AEC to Malaysia for cousin's birthday next week? If yes, then I'm finished spending on household items!
Tue 03 Sep ---
It's not really all that surprising that virtually all of the conversations that I have are with myself. There is no other contact than the doctor each month, and perhaps an hour total each week that I spend talking to others in any scenario.
Mon 02 Sep ---
2330 I really don't want to lose my feet or legs, but the pain is gradually making the inevitable ckearer and closer.Maybe massaging voltaren will help? I may never know.
I just wish I could use my skills to contribute something to someone, but it seems the business climate and my circumstances are working against that likelihood. C'est la vie.
Sun 01 Sep ---
My life is like living in a small box. With windows I can see out, but no-one can see in.
Tonight AEC suggested we should go out for dinner to celebrate Father's Day. I had to decline, as it is unfair to spend $100+ on 'my' day when I can't reciprocate on their days.
Once again i feel terrible as a burden in their lives. Yaay!
Weird irrational guilt... I'd like to heat some leftovers, but I don't want to take food ftom the others or create an interruption to their enjoyment (?) of their evening in the lounge.
Vulnerability is our greatest measure of courage.
Theodore Root is not the critit the man ho points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."
Sat 31 Aug ---
1018 I'm trying to think of a reason to get out of bed... I haven't come up with one yet.
Pretended to be a handbag at FMA's evening event. It was no use for either of us, as she wanted us to present as a family in a vacuum
it was simply a non event socially! FMA mumbled platitudes with her friends, MADC left, I was miserable and AEC was bored. A success.
From my perspective, I don't think she understands that I'm always in pain one way or another, and I'm not going to whinge about it again!
Fri 30 Aug ---
Seeing AMP agency about insurance and possible early Super withdrawal. Done
Thu 29 Aug ---
Zzzz - maybe collecting Forester today? Done.
I'd just like to say thanks to Darren (LX) and Marcus (FGE) for giving me tasks that keep my head straight. Really - thanks.
Wed 28 Aug ---
Returned 4x SGM 400 wash lights - pay petrol for a month !
Tue 27 Aug ---
Lots of nothing. Rebuilt two lights. One is ok.
Getting FMA to compare car loans is like herding cats!(or is communicating really badly)
She understands the different components, but resists making a point by point comparison - hence has no point of reference to identify the best offer.
She understands the different components, but resists making a point by point comparison - hence has no point of reference to identify the best offer.
Mon 26 Aug ---
Sitting up at 0300. Trying to figure out why I'm here. I serve no purpose other than consuming life. Bored .stupid, I'm not really interested in creating new concepts sny more, because I don't have anyone to show or offer them to.
I was paying attention to.my feeling & gait, and simplistically reckon that I could switch to those blade prosthetics... but driving may be out of the question!
Sun 25 Aug ---
00:30 am AEC has earned a one month grounding for indifference to respect and responsibility, and not following agreed curfew time. This conflict has had a surprisingly strong effect on me.Sat 24 Aug ---
I was reminded... even though it's only for a few minutes, several tines each day - how it creates an ongoing physical and psychological barrier between us. Prior to prayer time, or meeting for prayers with her friends, I must be incredibly careful not to accidentally bump, or touch FMA. If I do, I'm reminded how careless and thoughtless I am to contaminate her pre-prayer 'pure' state.
Too bad if I happened to express affection or simply reach out 'without thinking'- or even accidentally reach for the gear shift knob. In all cases I'm chastised - no matter how mildly - for being human.
This may go some way toward explaining why there has been no relationship.for well over ten years.
I'll try to squeeze a couple of chores in, and eat/read between the trips. Maybe put them off until tomorrow.
Wake at 2.45 - FMA snoring. Back to sleep
Sadly that contact is no longer missed for this and many other unrelated reasons.
Quote of the day (week..milleniun?) : "I hate wasting time"... FMA
It seems like FMA will buy a 2005 Forester next week. Very good condition and appearance.
I put $200 up as a refundable deposit.
I put $200 up as a refundable deposit.
Fri 23 Aug ---
Back to normal. I'm waiting on feedback for two job applications (in Sydney).
Just chilling out (literally... it's still cold here).
Paid Liberty rego, and bought prescriptions to last a couple of months
Thu 22 Aug ---
A good plan was in place from last night for today... until 8 am, then it was rewritten so I have no time to do the things that I wanted ro: buy pills, eat breakfast etc. So another day to be spent sitting in the car. Yaay.Wed 21 Aug ---
More driving around and sitting today.
Looked atvtwo cars in Brooklyn for FMA
Tue 20 Aug---
'Someone' just walked in and told me that today is being spent driving around several places. No prior warning, just take AEC then come back and I'll tell you where to take me around 1100. I suppose i could give her the car to use - but it will never be the same.I'll try to squeeze a couple of chores in, and eat/read between the trips. Maybe put them off until tomorrow.
Note to self - record recollections of 2011 visits to MonashLink (podiatrists, dietitian and educators) - little or no use at all. Nice people that moved on, who told me things I already knew. Admittedly it was interesting to have somewhere to go, and someone to talk to every few months.
I spent the late morning driving around (as sbove). Realised that I don't initiate, respond to, or prolong any conversation - unwilling to be told I'm wrong, or 'that wasn't said', or I must have not been listening. Better out of the conversation than insulted.
1300 I jusr woke up gagging on cooking smells - but no-one is home !!!? Looked around - car is gone, and garage is still smelly from cooking last weekend - so I sit in the driveway (my money is in the car!)... Luckily FMA & MADC arrive back in a few minutes.
I can really understand the idea of stuffing a few important things in my coat, pulling on some some warm clothes and just walking out the door. But I can't support myself.
Mon 19 Aug ---
I'll have to tread carefully today.
Other half is staying home.
Sent my resume to BA Sydney this afternoon.
Sent my resume to BA Sydney this afternoon.
Sun 18 Aug ---
I can't see today going well. FMA may be silent, but the fallout will continue.
I'm so impressed with the way AEC & MADC sailed through yesterday's event despite AEC not feeling well.
I really dislike negative people, and quite concerned that I'm showing that disposition. ..
After telling AR thatIi was talking to BA in Sydney... he said 'don't lose the plot'... a reference to DF last year. The problem now is that I don't feel like I have much keft to offer, and this has shot my confidence.l to the point that I may not pick up the conversation again tomorrow - no matter how unlikely it is to succeed.
Sat 17 Aug ---
My thought for today. it may sound selfish or inconsiderate, but is a genuine question that I'm struggling with today.
Which is more important?
The physical and mental health of your 'self', or the happiness of your family, your social group, or the community at large ?
It's a hard call.
Family (dependents) win unconditionally - as they have a future of their own, with which to contribute to the prosperity and happiness of 'others with their own success. We all have a use-by date... and must be prepared to hand over the reins when it becomes inevitable.
Social groups are fickle, as they transform over time, and the community at large simply cannot be trusted to have the same goals as you individually. There are too many distractions. .. popularity, beauty, greed, fame and success to name a few!
Next....
OK. Today we're going to fulfill mum's social /religious commitments. Neither I nor the kids have been consulted for our interest, but are expected to act humble and pliant while participating in something for which we have no interest . The charade is not adding to any harmony, and by about 1pm will have caused significant tension.
One of those things you should never do - is outwardly compare your children's religious or social commitments to those of your community peers. Never.
I might just feign fainting. It could be easier.
P.S. If you're going to criticise your win children. .. remember who raised them.
--- and I'm selfish, and egotesticle (not my words).
9pm I just realised that perhaps I'm expecting too.much from life! I've just spent 11 hours watching people I don't know eating all day, and suiting in the car / sleeping. I've had it all wrong.. I feel like a selfish egotesticle.
Fri 16 Aug ---
While sitting in bed, planning the day ahead - I realised that Friday is the day that has the most interest for me from week to week. The automotive lift-out in the paper manages to engage me for 5-10 minutes each week. Sad isn't it!
Returned the Camry... all back to normal.
The Mazda has gone. We can use that for food and other recurring expenses.
Thu 15 Aug ---
Last meal was late morning yesterday, and some fish fingers in the early evening. This will keep my weight under control!
Took Camry for RWC. Done. Needs a few small things.
Am I really a moron loser?
I seem to be able to stay ahead of the conversation, but the conversation never seems to get where I'm waiting.
Ok, before this changes again... FMA has decided not to take the Camry. I'll return it to the sellers tomorrow. No need for wrecker /parts etc.
Wed 14 Aug ---
Managed to get camry running.
Sorted brake ligjts etc
Fixed video wall for Marcus
Tue 13 Aug ---
Worked in getting Camry figured out.
Mon 12 Aug ---
Nothing today until Soo @1545
My job seens to be on-call taxi, and to get up when everyone else has gone to bed - to make sone food, and do the rounds to check the lights are all turned off etc.
Sun 11 Aug ---
All I've ever wanted to do throughout my adult life has been to innovate and create. Sharing any discoveries for a fair slice of the reward. I don't know where that went wrong, but I ended with the short end of the stick - unable even to support my family or health.
Sat 10 Aug ---
I was thinking overnight, "why I didn't want to engage with any guests", and came up with these possibilities...
I meet with some of these visitors once a year or thereabout, and they inevitably ask how I am. I tell them in the simplest way so it doesn't become the topic of conversation, but in doing so - remind myself how uncomfortable I really am.
And of course I'm wearing shoes 'inside' which is frowned upon, but the only possible way I can walk and stand in the group. Because I'm wearing shoes - I try to avoid walking on the 'special' floor rugs to some degree - which means I'm even more unstable as I edge between people, walls, piles of shoes and the forbidden rugs.
I try not to eat the sweet delicacies left out... so why am I there?
I feel that I'm projecting 'needy' antisocial... which I am, but I can't explain 'why' without clearing the room or sounding like I want to be the centre of attention. Easy solution is to be invisible. The easy answer is that 'it's all about me', then it isn't anyone else's problem to solve... I'm just a needy, antisocial person that doesn't affect their lives. Just 'not there'.
Last thought for today...
Why hasn't someone asked me to explain my pain points and symptoms for over 10 years? Legs, feet, fingers etc. Certainly I've tried to offer this detail, but it seems to get lost in the conversation.
FOUND THIS ARTICLE - maybe too late....
http://mobile.news.com.au/lifestyle/health-fitness/party-of-one-why-you-feel-too-awkward-to-go-out/story-fneuzlbd-1226694577453
Fri 09 Aug ---
Remembered the primary school ditty --
"Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going down the garden to eat worms."
Who would have thought that it may become my reality !
Aha! ABC Radio program explains link between high blood sugar and dementia. That explains everytjing!?
FMA is hosting the annual parade of community guests, but doesn't understand why I'm staying in the bed. (It's too cold in the garage!?)
Ok, so I don't pay the major bills now, but it seems ridiculous that I have to peer out the bedroom door to see if it's'safe' to go out into the house!! I even suppress my coughing so that no-one wonders 'who's in the room'?
FMA sent AEC in to ask me to join the group.
a. I'm not interested, and b. I'm wearing pyjamas. Noth8ng in there for me, and FMA knows I don't want to join in - hence sends AEC to ask. Common situation.
I know from experience that I would go in for an hour, add nothing, then feel uncomfortable and come back to the room - having done nothing more than bring the mood down.
Thu 08 Aug ---
Hari Raya today. Step gently over eggshells.
Took AEC to doctor for cold/flu symotoms. She's ok - needs to take care if herself. $75 ouch.
Wed 07 Aug ---
There must really be something wrong with me! I spend 20 hours a day waiting for others or something to 'engage' my participation. .. but it never comes. So I try to initiate activities or conversation/discussion - and get no response. Is everyone in the same situation?
While I've never been 'religious', the last couple of weeks have made it abundantly clear why not.
Devout religion seems to apply single-minded blinkers that deny any alternate thought or discussion. No thanks, I'd rather share and engage with everyone that I come across - to freely consider all subjects and forward possibilities.
Devout religion seems to apply single-minded blinkers that deny any alternate thought or discussion. No thanks, I'd rather share and engage with everyone that I come across - to freely consider all subjects and forward possibilities.
Tue 06 Aug ---
I could be fabulously wealthy if I could explain how I make each day last 72 hours!
The problem is that I'm not ambitious, and prefer to innovate in the background. Not very snart as it turned out!.
I feel guilty that I'm a failure when I've had every opportunity and managed to waste them all. Being physically and financially broke is hard to swallow.
Mon 05 August ---
I'm so disillusioned.
FMA on a different planet.
No meaningful work.
No entertainment, laughing or relaxation.
House is a mess - absolutely nothing to do with me. Bags of unsorted stuff.. Piles of ?stuff? scattered around the house.
Trip hazards everywhere. No one cares.
I'm just discouraged.
it's just piss-poor communications.
I did fix and return a laser and a light today, so that helps with petrol.
04 August ---
Statement: I have pride, self worth and confidence in myself and ny capabilities. That's where it ends. It seems those values are not worth anything to the society I am living in and surrounded by.
continued: Someone forgot to take their phone, so I woke up as planned, expecting to be summoned to pick up. Nope the offenders just rolled in at 6.45 with updated plans to change my movements for the day. My plans are obviously unimportant when it comes diwn to it.
Odd Observation: it's better when i watch tv programs that I'm not interested in, then I don't feel depressed seeing things I can't do or experience any more. Odd but true!
03 August ---
Alarm at 0245 (third day in a row with no action) to give a lift. No.meeting, just cooking (and me with breathing mask).
Suddenly at 3.45 she's heading out the door with friend to prayers. Simply concept of respect, cause and effect. Everything is 'because'.
02 August ---
Eat, shit, sleep. That's it.
The problem is that these require money - which I have little or none.
Trying your hardest obviously isn't what the world is looking for any more. What's next.
A strange thought just occurred to me...
I avoid creating new friendships because I'm afraid of letting people down. I have no idea why - other than it seems the people I've tried to engage with, have simply not tesponded or engaged in any way... so I just stopped ttying.
01 August ---
The first day of what could be a very long month.
Ebay Mazda buyer has not contacted or answered my contacts. Thanjs.
Unless she reaches out to them on shared terms, they will be gone before I am...
I certainly had some benefits which helped my younger life, but looking back - there may have been some parts of life that I've stuffed up completely - all by myself - using this realistic but isolated personal view of the world.
Well at least I know it can get better !
I was the 'relentless optimist' for forty years... Only now I realise that I was actually too dumb to be a pessimist !
≠================≠===============
Wed 31 July ---
Sometimes I wonder if I'm burying my head in the sand... then I reflect on what's happening around me, and realise that while I'm not always right - I don't deserve all the crap I've experienced since 2008. It's this that keeps my hopes up -- even though there is no light visible at the end of the tunnel, and my physical time is running out.
I love seeing waste. I try not to eat - so the food and budget stretch for the others, and ckean as I go. Empty the dishwasher when I see it's finished - and really hate seeing this - while being called out for not washing or cleaning up.
MAYBE A HUGE MISTAKE
Tonight I told FMA that she needs to reassess how she engages with the kids.Unless she reaches out to them on shared terms, they will be gone before I am...
Tue 30th July ---
Zzzzz
Discovered that the high bidder on eBay may be a troll - not the guy from yesterday. ..
Mon 29th July ---
More of the same.
Always walking on eggshells
Guy came to.look at the mazda... hopeful
Sun 28th July ---
Three dilemmas:
1. I'm resisting the urge to label equipment that belongs to others - in case I'm not able to do it later, but doing so is acknowledging possible drfeat.
2. I honestly believe nobody is hearing my calls for advice and guidance to get richer medical advice & attention. What more can I do than repeatedly ask? Ok, I'm broke, but does that deny the right to physical & nebtal health assistance
3. Household life is dangerously fractured... Cultural and religious expectations, stress and misunderstanding have settled like dust on every conversation or engagement in the family - while pretending to present normality to the outside. Luckily AEC & MADC are remarkably strong and capable thinkers that can work around the bull-crap that is floating around. Very proud of them both!
Fri 26th - Sat 27th July ---
I wish there was a way I can afford to work with a physio, there may be some life left yet if I could find the means.
Thu 25th July ---
Sent the obligatory snail mail to six finance/co
Collection companies.
I don't want to sound like I'm whinging - so I say very little to others unless the subject comes up... but each day, I wonder if I'll be able to walk or do any less.
Simple things like separating sheets of paper, or tying shoes are already a challenge. Shirt cuffs can take a couple of minutes on some days.
Wed 24 July ---
Nothing happening.
I put the Mazda on eBay
I put the Mazda on eBay
Tue 23 July ---
Scrap plans to repair the Mazda. Price jumped by $700 to $2100++ and suggested to use a backyard mechanic. So now I have to figure out how to tow it home again. .. sigh
Whomever said "life's too short" wasn't in my shoes!
I'm (as usual) in a fog. I haven't prepared or made any notes or other preparations to discuss later. I've done it too many times before without a result, and getting tired.
Just sitting and staring... waiting for something to change in my favour. (I know that will never happen, but I'm well and truly stuck in a cycle of frustration.)
Selfish I know, but I'm just too far into a self-perpetuating cycle of self defeat.
Finances, cars, health, I just don't seem to fit into the world I'm surrounded by.
Just a comment: I'm so naive! I still trust everyone.
Mon 22nd July ---
To all you guys out there... marriage is not to be taken lightly. Every plan you had or may have ever had...becomes completely irrelevant.
meals, travel, work, hobbies - everything. And a few more as well. BUT. You may have children, and if you guide them correctly - they're priceless, irreplaceable individuals that may not make the same mistakes that you did!.
Sun 21st July ---
Still here.
Fri 19th - Sat 20th July ---
Nothing to report. Crappy weather.
Zero, zip, nada - no goals, no purpose, no feedback.
Oxygen thief.
Thu 18th July ---
I had to put something in here - even if I did nothing at all.Zero, zip, nada - no goals, no purpose, no feedback.
Oxygen thief.
Finally closed last week's app discussion with Daniel. No joy, but like everyone else he likes SWARM.
I can really understand the concept of 'going postal' with frustration and depression. Keep me awsy from heavy machinery and sharp instruments!
Wed 17th July ---
Tax refund. Paid overdue bills!
Replaced lower bushes and oil change in Subaru
9pm... Well that was fun - as if my confidence was intact.. Towed 4WD to outside the transmission shop, but discovered I couldn't feel the brake pedal in the following car! Bumper and tailgate need replace / repair... sigh.
Mon/Tue 15-16 July ---
Pretty boring as a family taxi driver.
Sun 14th July ---
Meals are boring... Toast, Weet-Bix, and the mail meal Rice w/ frozen vegiesSat 13th July ---
I hope others have a more positive outlook for the future of society than I do...
Fri 12th July ---
I'm getting the feeling that the only way I can possibly succeed is to 'back myself'. Thus is no different to the last 5 years - than now, I have no other option.
Thu 11th July ---
3pm Hoping to meet developers about IMOH app. Update: Seems to have gone quite well.
Want to engage MADC for future interest, but he's busy on other stuff in his room.
Wed 10th July ---
This may sound like fun, but watching TV from bed or lounge for 16 hours a day is not.
Many will ask... why not go for a walk, buy a coffee, get a job, do some cooking, visit a friend, or....
Well to help those people understand. ..
All these and many other activities require resources or a sequence of events that are simply not available right now. And it's not like I haven't been trying for the last 4-5 years-
Really odd feeling. Pitched my app idea to Appster. Mail came in - Westpsc debt has gone to wherever it goes. I'm sitting here next to AEC wondering (silently) how many days until it's all over. Washed some dishes, had WeetBix as my main meal of the dsy. Is it going to get better? Where do I send the kids when the loose ends run out
Received email that FMA returns on Friday morning.
Tue 9th July ---
I'm just tired of always being emotionally exhausted 24x7
Submitted my tax return today.
Assuming I get a refund in around 2 weeks, my choice is to pay bills and food for about two.months, or use it to look for work.
The problem is that I hsve a crap record for finding a job with my health - and I have to.look after the kids... if only for a couple of months. Hard choice - and I have to depend on MADC to fill the next two weeks.
I suppose it could be worse. I'm overdue on car payments, no money for food, and being chased for tens of thousands. Luckily I'm not alone - I have two amazing kids to watch as they learn from my mistakes..
I wonder 'what's next' ---- (read about CRC)
Sun 7th July ---
I'm trying to think of a reason to get out of bed.
The single thing that is most frustrating - is that no single adult or 'interested authority' is aware or interested that I'm literally dying in front of my own eyes - despite trying to reach out over thr last couple of years.
Of course, I'm trying to.prepare my kids without actually saying my game's over, but its hard.
Tried calling mum in Ipoh and KL - no answer! She has not checked email since she left, and mobile is not turned on (or roam disabled).
Hopefully everything is ok over there. Or maybe she's figured out to cut & run. Smart
Sat 6th July ---
Until quite recently, I thought my upbringing was a fantastic opportunity and advantage. The youngest by eight years, living in various countries around the world before adolescence -- but the downside is that apart from having a diverse but fractured view of society and relationships, it seems I have missed out on making lifelong friends and connections.I certainly had some benefits which helped my younger life, but looking back - there may have been some parts of life that I've stuffed up completely - all by myself - using this realistic but isolated personal view of the world.
Fri 5th July ---
It's surpridingly lonely when there is no-one to talk to or offer your ideas.and conversation. It happens more often than you may think!!
Wed 3rd July ---
Headhunter job opening seems unlikely with more 'current' applicants... Let's wait and see before giving up.
Another morning (day) sitting with TV??
Tue 2nd July ---
Just when I thought things looking bad, I received an email inquiry from a headhunter in Sydney (the only reason I've ever purchased new clothes for about 5 years!). I can do the job, but no idea of the terms yet.
Replied with fresh resune , now to wait....
Mon 1st July ---
To those that ask "why don't you go for a walk... Try to get healthy ..."
My health is in large part, a consequence of not having a life purpose or means to create an opportunity.
If I get 'healthy' I can walk around the block in pain and reflecting on my frustrarion until i drop dead. Great idea.
My health is in large part, a consequence of not having a life purpose or means to create an opportunity.
If I get 'healthy' I can walk around the block in pain and reflecting on my frustrarion until i drop dead. Great idea.
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