2016 Part 4 - (Sep)

i ...and here we go.

Happy Fathers Day.

Today at 11, I'm supposed to attend a job seeking workshop, and to bring along an ad & mock application...

The problem is I've been looking for over four years (more like eight) - unsuccessfully - for a job that I can physically perform, or that could use me - so how can I respond to a non-existent opportunity?

Living hand to mouth is extremely distressing, but this just adds to the anxiety and depression - on top of my known physical/health issues.

This is critical to keeping benefits.

The will to go on with life is waning.

Not much sleep.  Headache and panic is overwhelming... just had a chat with the toilet bowl. Is it me and my anxiety / panic attack,  or FMAs cooking?  When I eat her home cooked leftovers to be polite, I get sick... I hope not for her catering sake.

I may have said this before, but the reason I can only eat fast food / takeaway, is because most of the good food I would eat at home isn't welcome, or I have to clean the whole house if I dirty a single plate... easier to avoid the problem than to solve it!

Please feel free to let me know when life is going to get better.

It's nine in the morning, and as usual, I have nothing planned - and want the day to be over... so I can go through the same tomorrow.  If this continues for another decade, I won't have to worry any more.

The quandary is - the only place i'd be less anxious or stressed would be in the ground... but the only place worse than where i am now, would be in the ground.  Which is the lesser of the two evils?

Every day from morning to night, there is nothing.  No neeed to satisfy any goals, as there is no one and. nothing that needs me to deliver.  No need to wake up or sleep, or eat. nothing each and every day.

6am Wednesday.  i can only think of one reason i want to be alive.  Not to leave the kids with 'baggage'.  of course my primary daily activities are to eat and sleep. Both of those are totally dependent on someone else, so i suppose i'm living on a knife edge of borrowed time.  Great.

I convnced the !family! to go out for Tex-Mex last night... it was remarkably peaceful.  Food was nice and we came home without any conflict.  Yay.

Todays misery was lost by the app, so fuck it anyway.  i hope life doesn't get any worse than it is, or i'll have to reconsider my options.

Being Alive is not 'living'

i'm always tempted, and stepping out to create new things, but since i have no friends, work colleagues (or anyone else), they rot on the vine.

All they do is consume time and resources.  I suppose that's good until i'm homeless and still broke.

I'd love to have a reason to get out of bed.
Being depressed is remarkably good at feeding itself.

10:40 - congratulate me. I got out of bed, and got dressed.  Nowhere to go, no-one to see.
At least I turned off the TV!  Shops are too crowded to go, and legs will give out - unless I sit down for a coffee - and that costs money.  Maybe I'll sit here a bit longer then go buy some Chinese take-away... and com4 back to watcj TV / sleep some more.

2:45 am Life has been like a continuous series of low speed accidents.  Never bad enough to stop me, but costly enough to stop any growth or progress.  I honestly hate where i am, and what i've become, and dearly hope that one day i don't wake up.

Kinda stumbled across the origins of my d spain (again!)...
Back when i was about 16/17, Joan and Dad sent me to a p school to figure me out.  I had always been on the edge if social groups - and obviously that hadn't changed

Also in today's tech news, i ran across a US company that is developing /trialling a traffic management product that has a lot of similarities to C.A.R.S - which i prototyped and tried to pitch back in 1988 when i first arrived in Malaysia.  another sigh.
No wonder i'm not interested in thinking or offering ideas to anyone any more.  So many times people have said to me that creating concepts has no value - and they were right... so i developed and documented the ideas... and usually built proof of concept/prototypes... but still failed, with people turning me away or stealing the IP.   Final sigh.  I want someone to believe in me without exploiting me!  Not FMA, because it carries too many string of living my life her way.  i'm me.

You know, i'm starting to realise that i may be one of the dumbest smart people to ever have walked the earth.   I wanted to be everything to everyone, and create new things from nothing.  That time is all over now. I lost the game.  Bad luck.

It's getting close to Christmas.  I haven't written anything for a while.
Am I a narcissist?  or just a lonely person that falls back on myself in the absence of other engagement?  That's a tough question.

I

:::

2016 - part 3 (Jun)

All a bit quiet.

The SMS gadget is working, now just to sell some...?!

Id love a reason to get out of bed, but the alternatives cost money. and I don't have any!

I'm sure that many people don't understand that loneliness and boredom can be physically painful.

I guess I expected more interaction with the kids...  I ask them to do things, but not interested or available. I know they have their own lives as young adults, but I'd hoped to see or talk to them occasionally over the last few years...  Especially with the distance between mother and myself.

oh well, it must be my fault, but I wish someone was interested enough to help fix it.

Watching the BREXIT discussion... Is the yearning for individualism even possible in this time of uncontrolled population growth and squandering of resources? The debate is a choice for the lesser evil!  Neither is desirable.

I was just thinking about why I don't interact or engage with FMA, and I'm reasonably confident that it's because I know she tries hard, and I'd feel bad criti using her other efforts - so it's better to not say anything.  I've accepted that I'm going to be alone, so I just hold on until then.

I hoped the younger kids might have shown some interest in connecting with me, but I guess I can't blame them if I do it to FMA.

I wonder who, and how they'll react when I do eventually shuffle off this earth... I suppose it frees up a room, computer and tv.

Things that make me jealous!...

Conversation, laughing, social events, having friends... and the list goes on.

Everyone's gone out.

I don't contribute to the house, so I don't feel like I have any right to use it.  Stuck in the bedroom.

I suppose I could have had everything in life, but that would have made me insensitive.  So I managed to have a lot, and lost it, which has given me strength, but nobody to share it with.

I just realised my birthday is a couple of days away!  I hope the world finds a renewed interest in boring old shitheads very fast, or I'm doomed!  Happy pre-birthday.

What am I celebrating tomorrow?
Being a failure?  A sucker?  A loser?  An unrecognised genius?  Selfish?  Broke?  Virtually homeless?
They're all good reasons for a milestone anniversary.

Happy Birthday surprise. AEC brought a small stack of pancakes in to my prison.  I shared with the cat while we chatted.  Thanks!

I just turned down dinner invitation from FMA - because I don't think I'm worth it, and would rather they save the money toward family needs than for me.  I should be doing/ handling all this for them, but I can't.  

Fathers are meant to do so much for their family, but health and money - mean I'm useless.  I can't accept things from them, as I'm unable to give them even the basics like house and food.  I offer live, but it seems to be received indifferently. So I'm withdrawn and reclusive, trying not to be a burden on anyone or anything. It works, but it's really painful and tears me apart inside.

Monday morning...

Words of the week - helpless, hopeless.

One of the things that hurts the most, is the feeling that nothing you say or do is important to anyone in any way... you're a waste of space and air.

If you're depressed, the worst person to talk to - is yourself.  Even if there's nobody else that wants too talk to you.

Today is 'Hari Raya' (festive day) in Malay communities.

Not much festive or happy for me to celebrate... I don't feel like I've earned the right to share in other's happiness.    I know it's my issue, but I wish people would stop expecting me to be happy and engaged when I'm miserable 24/7

Today, I posted an SMSbox off to South Australia, and delivered ten to Altona.  Even though I only covered my costs, it was worth it to be engaged.  

FMA has gone to Euchuca with sisters....  I decided not to go, so I could focus on making some pocket money.  Listening to three women chatter in a foreign language for the day, while watching them eat is no added fun.

FMA called this evening to moan that I didn't get her message. what message?

It turns out that because I deleted WhatsApp from my phone I didn't get a message.

I almost never opened WA because it is as much a spam bearer as anything else.

You can message individuals,or groups, but why tell everyone you have borrowed a pair of jeans...?

Why did I remove it?  Because 80% of messages I get are about shoes, shopping or other trivia not intended for me.  They're intended for someone else, but are sent to me as part of a group.

So, deleting the app, means I don't respect family social structures.  ok.

When I ask to do things with the family, and don't even get a response until a day or two later... or try to have a conversation - but just get told to 'just stop talking', it must be my fault.. so I'm ok (not happy), but recognise my place is to SD/SU in all situations.  My opinion or input doesn't count.

Oh, btw - they decided to sleep over in Euchuca - so my one day of forced boredom was wisely avoided.

Just waking up, and doing those 'morning' things...

I realised that my life has reached extreme simplicity, mostly due to avoiding confrontation with FMA.

I use one glass, one bowl, one plate, along with a fork and spoon.  Everything comes from the car freezer, microwave, or the shop.  I'm not responsible for the mess in the house that I'm always blamed for!   Bedroom, ensuite and the carport shed for storage.

Near the end of July, not much to report... again.

Today, I'm a bit down. Nothing new or special in that.

I want to be engaged in something, but finance, health and my obviously piss-poor attitude mean thatI'm  not welcome anywhere.  Just getting older each day, waiting to die.

It seems like Centrelink and Civic Compliance are working together... I discovered today that I have two warrants - for low level speed fines, that were paid long in the past. Overpaid in fact!

I'm sick of doing other people's job for them, but they get paid.  I'm tired.

As usual, I'm a sucker. Agree to help FMA by taking photos of her food.  Arrive an hour before event, because she asks me to carry tables for her.  Nobody else here.

So I'll be here even longer than necessary for no reason.

Jokes on me.  The address doesn't exist, nor does the nearby street reference. I can't say any more.

If I died in my sleep, there's nothing I'd miss tomorrow, and I doubt there'd be muc concern at my passing - other than the cost of the funeral that I don't want anyway!

I had a 'good' day today... the cat slept on my bed, so ifelt like someone needed me, or liked me around.  I haven't left my bed all day, nobody and nowhere to go without funds to do anything.  FMA and her sisters are in the house, so that limits my opportunity to move around.  Maybe tomorrow - but I'm really hungry right now!

Typically, I hate every moment of every day.... yesterday, despite having another appointment - I cancelled becausec AEC asked if I'd take her to part of her driving test.   I was amazed, because normally all I get is 'just stop talking' while she fiddles with her phone or accessories.  We spent the best part of 2-1/2 hours in all...

It was quite pleasant.

Heard a really interesting discussion on radio about Aspergers... I still think I fit that profile quite well - hyperthymic, Autistic and all rolled in to one!!

Did some research and problem solving over night - to discover that ScanHi may have ripped me off for thousands of dollars!  Still working on it.

Dinner at Moroccan Soup with aunties, family and Sally.

Drive to city was a uneventful with AEC on L plates, but FMA bumbling in the rear, while I tried to supervise.  AEC was driving well - until the end when she went all stubborn, and refused to clean up her parking.  We went in to the restaurant, and I was forgotten when family ordered six meals for seven people. Not really a problem as I had eaten earlier, and wasn't told of the restaurant - and I'm ok saving unnecessary expenses when possible, but it worked into me - reminding me of previous visits which were quite similar...  Couldn't get out of there fast enough.

David S called, chasing me to upgrade his controllers... apart from the fact that he has what he ordered, and my computer is dead, why do I feel obliged to make him whole, when I've discovered that he's been stealing my WSM software for the last six years!  Is it because m weak, need a sense of purpose, or a combination...?

More to come.

Today was fulfilling. I went to the post office, bought a sandwich, came home and heated up a $4 frozen dinner.  All done.

I missed a Matchworks/Centrelink appointment today (somehow dropped off my calendar...?
Re-scheduled to Monday
Worst thing is that I realised they aren't doing any 'matching' - just telling me to look for a job - despite my explaining to them that I have serious weaknesses in the current employability stakes!
Health, neuropathy, depression, personality issues...

Oh well - maybe it will make my life choices easier if they cut off my support.
(Remember to close eBay sales - and transfer any scraps of money to MADC accounts)

FMA called me to map read for her to Melton....  what a scary trip!   Not a relaxed, forward thinking driver!

Three hours later - waiting in the van in the cold, reminds me why I'm looking forward to dying.  it's better than the life I have now.

I must really be an idiot. What I think are simple instructions are complete,y alien to FMA.

In 100m turn right.  At the roundabout exit at 3 o'clock and similar... result is stop in the rounabout(!) and ask next? hen go straight ahead...! Obviously I'm not expressing myself very well.  

I should listen to AEC's advice.  and Just stop talking.

This is unlike me, but I'm going to be generous to FMAs map reading idiosyncrasies last night...

Thinking about it, I know she has a limited sense of map/orientation skills, but last night she was looking straight at the road and GPS while pulling out of a service station... the arrow and guidance lines clearly indicate turning left into the road immediately in front of us, and it made sense after our earlier arrival at the servo...  she bluntly asked "so we go right?.  

I now think I understand perhaps her faith and belief in a divine force is greater than the reality in front of her eyes.  It's perplexing to me, as an intensely agnostic and practical thinker.

As we pulled on to the road further along, she was also guided by this superior being, and we had to make a further two u-turns due to missed road signs... big ones, on the arterial/highway ramps.  I simply can't explain it, yet it's nothing new - I just hadn't thought about it.

Oh, and by the way Lakeview Terrace is not the same as Lakeside Terrace.

I'm such an idiot.

Every time I feel like I may have found an opportunity to be involved or to engage,  I discover that I've wasted my time, and the opportunity has dissolved - after I've put my best work forward. 

I really can't figure out what I have to live for, than another chance to fail. 

I remember hearing many years ago, that every third generation in a family is a screw up.  I guess it was due.

23 Aug - AEC quietly organised her own driving test today... and passed!  Congratulations.  XXOOXXOO

You know what pisses me off today?  I'm watching a tv program that mentions 'being the most you can be', and the participants reach out to their surroundings to explore opportunities.

I don't have any surroundings, and what few resources are there - need money or some physical health... or both.   I'm so frustrated. I want to be part of something or to contribute.

Am I so unlike able that I'm frequently let down by people that I go out if my way to help?

From very simple things to significant effort to help them - which they asked for... simply blown off when they're 'no longer interested'.

I'm trying to re-engage and develop a new life path, but this is soul destroying.  I spend a bit of money,many a lot of time to be left at the door.  What gives?

Isn't it odd, that I can't get work, or even a conversation... yet I have been seen by two psychologists, a psychiatrist and a neurologist - all suggest in some for that I'm depressed and/or disabled to some degree.  Several years ago, I walked 10km to 'try' checking myself into hospital, but they wouldn't take me because I wasn't suicidal or thinking of hurting someone else (or so I said)...

How the fuck would they know what I'm feeling toward Dragan and now the Scanlons for ripping me off...?  I gave a lot, and am left with literally nothing.  Partly due to poor skills, and partly to illness, but how do I get the blame for everything?

Today is watching the ceiling, and enjoying a headache. 

Rego due soon but not sure I can afford it, as a couple of projects I did on the side have screwed me for money that I was planning on. 

Still hanging in, but less likely to engage with anyone now. I'm firmly convinced about the bipolar-Iv / hyperthymic / ASD connection in my brain, but too late, and no one wants to know, let alone help find a solution.  

Blinding headache and vomiting this morning... all I can think is reheating leftovers from FMA catering.  New rule, no leftovers - which I knew already!

I wish I could consistently afford food, fuel and car running costs... the rest can be tuned around daylight and opportunity.  Accommodation would be fine if I had the choice of 'car' or 'somewhere else' on a daily basis.  Living Ng in my own shadow is an awful way to exist.

::::

Describing me 160423

Over sensitive

Intelligent

Creative

Non-conforming

Hard to manage

Easily bored

Impatient / impulsive

Awkward socially

Not afraid of commitment

Poor at forming attachments

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hyperthymic-temperament/112187035472787

If anyone reads this, and I am unable to speak for myself, please understand that I'm perfectly happy to make way on this planet for someone else to enjoy their life more than I'm enjoying mine.

Peaceful, in my sleep is the preferred option, but if necessary, fast and as pain free as possibles will do.  It can't be any slower or more discouraging than the last few years.

2016 - part 2 (Apr)

Dropped AECto station.

Bought a new f'in while reading the paper.

Came home, toilet, watch recorded TV

... next please.

My life would be no different, almost no different if I wasn't around.

If the situation arises that I gave nowhere to live, I'd really have Ro reconsider the options - since my life consists if keeping dry, toiletting an eating when I can.  

Thought about eating lunch with the kids... MADC not interested, AEC wants something different.

Tonight both are out with friends.

11pm, and I just realised that after being alone for so long, I have no idea what I'd talk about if the company appeared.  I can certainly keep up with current affairs and technical logo, but nobody I've heard recently gas the slightest interest in either!  Let's see what happens when the opportunity arises.

I'm so bored, I feel like eating... but that means going out and spending (and getting fat)...  so I just sit here alone, like a vegetable.  No-ones else is home... but if FMA was here, we wouldn't be talking anyway.

SEEKING VALIDATION...

About two weeks ago, an acquaintance, asked if I 'd like to meet up with his friend (an IEEE member and senior exec in a large telco) - to which I said yes - of course! - any time.  The appointment was pushed back until after Easter to clear the holiday period. 

This week, a firm date was made for today at noon in the city.  

Yesterday, confirmed to meet 'there', rather than travel in together.
This morning, I pulled myself together, wobbled up to the bus stop, caught a bus and train, arrived a bit early to ensure I wasn't a spanner in the works.  Texted my host to let him know I was outside the building... as time grew closer I moved inside and updated where to look for me...
Appointment time comes and goes...  Ten minutes later the phone rings. 12:10pm... "Oh sorry, I saw your message!, it completely slipped my mind. A family matter cropped up and I'm still at home".  

"I'll call the person we are seeing to see if he can still meet up with you."
Another five minutes pass - kindly, the person is in front of me - apologizing as he has another meeting at 12:30.  Let's have a coffee.  

Of course I'm appreciative, and have a water while he drinks his coffee - and small talk for 10 minutes to 'scope each other out', then five minutes of 'what could we offer each other' - very useful, but way too short. Sigh (again).
At least we exchanged email addresses, and hopefully I can interest him with some documents about Freedom/Diversiti, and perhaps PingThing and Manifesto.

Fingers crossed.  Seems to be my permanent state of professional engagement!

Over my life, I've never taken risks.... yet it seems that I've ultimately failed at everything.  Look where I am now.

I also have never learned how to relax. Ever.  The good news is that I can sleep almost anywhere at any time - so my recovery cycle seems ok... apart from all the serious health problems!

Date and time is virtually irrelevant in this diary.

I've been in the same situation for four years, that leaves me in the #WTD category unless something happens magically.  I'm not a big believer in magic, so I just plough on with what I have until my turn is over.

Yikes.  I just saw a guy who became a pop-culture icon because played the first complete flawless game of PacMan in the 1980s... still being dragged out in the 20x0s as a cultural benchmark... I was really following the wrong values as I grew up!

-------

I'd really like to be of some value to someone.

I made plenty of mistakes, but didn't kill anyone!  Literally no one seems to have a use for me in their circle.

No-one I know seems keen to have me around, or to be around me.  I'm obviously not interesting, or valid in their world... and that includes my children!  I often ask, or try to engage with them, but get brushed off or 'forgotten'.  I know this isn't unusual for parents and kids, but it's been almost continuous for 3 or 4 years, and they're not 'kids' any more.

If AEC and MADC have children, I hope they respect their parents.

What are friends?

I know people, but there us no social interaction, and if I visit them... to fill in time, I feel like they have better things to do!  I can't remember the last time I experienced any light-hearted social interaction... perhaps 5-10 years ago? 

Still no callback from the guy I was introduced to three weeks ago.  I guess I'm not relevant despite the fact they set it up, and he asked for more info...?!

There are a huge number of 'nasty' people out there.

I've begun to notice, that with all my spare time - I go to technology forums, and offer to help, or even one-on-one guidance t the OP... but there is always one uninvited 'sniper' that wants to shut you down before you start.

Haters always gonna be haters!

3am.  I hate every aspect of my life.  Oddly enough, even if I had no illness or 'conditions', each day simply reminds me of how much I've failed to achieve in the last ten years... and when I have, some other jerk has taken that opportunity away.  What a sook!

It's a bit disconcerting... I look at my situation, low-level speeding tickets, Lack off engagement and many other factors... every day, I wonder, and sometimes quietly hope this might be the last.  I'm not actively thinking order trying, but life and circumstances make feel this way.  Whether it pain, isolation, lack of fulfilment or a combination - that's my story.  What's worse, the is that I am able to talk about it fairly openly with people.

My opinion doesn't seem to be worth a bean.  Ever, to anyone.

I've only ever succeeded when working within my own head... whether that's because I'm antisocial or just smell bad, I don't know.

Let's combine...

Hyperthymia (Bipolar IV)

Diabetes. 70 tabs and week, insulin)

Significant Neuropathy in hands and lower legs.

Unemployment & lack of assets/resources

Age

Invisibility(!) & WTD

Apply/contract employers - zero response.

Only driving is to buy food, petrol, and drop/pickup daughter.

Income is Newstart only.  Ineligible for DSP!

I really don't know whether I complain too much, or not enough.

All I do know, us that I can't stand on my legs/feet in the mornings, walking barefoot on carpet is very painful, and only if I'm wearing cross-trainers can I walk at all in genera situations.

No running, climbing of any sort ever.

Standing for any length of time is painful, tiring.

Sitting then standing up us always a challenge- especially from anything other than a sturdy chair...

I just recalled a time back when I must have been 17, when JSH/JSC took me to a child psychologist in Hornsby...  the outcome was that I was more sane than she was!   That didn't go down well, but it makes me think that perhaps hyperthymic personality was appearing earlier than I thought...?

....

Well, I should have known better...

I drove AEC to university (50km round trip), so she could carry her artwork...  she needed to bring them back later - so I offered to pick her up later in the day (another 50k).  My greeting, because I had paid for parking around the corner... ""Why did you get out of the car?  It's embarrassing!". OOOOK.

It's been a month since I was invited to that non-meeting in the city.  Still no response after sending my papers... WTF !!

Today started early... FMA asked me to check her car for a strange noise... nothing untoward, other than she needs to go to Dandening... no noises, then needs to go to GW... no noises.  I was going to have a coffee with her, but was put off by the country's nstant droning on about how bad the kids are. I accept they are probably trying to stay away from us, but to rattle on for 30 minutes endlessly while I'm captive. Unproductive. No wonder I didn't want to sit down for another 15 minutes.

I went out to mow the nature strip, but stumbled and fell after a couple of minutes... reluctantly had to give up before I really hurt myself... Luckily nobody saw, otherwise I'd have a lot more to answer for!

This was quite scary, as a wake up call to how incredibly vulnerable I am at any given moment on any day. Life would be s over unless I can pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Don't mow the lawn when you can't feel your legs!

Luckily I was wearing jeans...!

Just to see what luck I can muster up, I pinged the telco executive by email, to see whether he had any suggestions...

Next day... that collapse yesterday, one top of my general state if mind... has really dented my confidence.  I need to regroup.

I just realised that I could not be more 'alone' if I tried. Literally.

No friends, not opportunity, no means of support, no place to live. Nothing that I have a say in to make things better.

It would be really nice if I could think of a meal I'd like - other than McDonalds, then go and buy/eat it.

That's not happening soon.

...

2016 - part 1 (Jan)

I started a new file at the beginning 2016, but the iPad application lost it - so I stopped until now.
March 12th
I'm so bored.  I have been trying to stay occupied (to fend off negative thoughts), but without friends or the means to mingle, I get so depressed and lonely.  Centrelink have been up to their usual tricks - delaying payments... but I expect that is the tip of the iceberg - I think they'll cut off my food allowance next month, so let's see what happens then!
Gas supply has failed today - called AGL, and they didn't know who our distributor was - so while they were on the phone - I looked it up (on their website!), and told them off for useless service.
I'm glad he's already got a job, because I certainly wouldn't hire him!

I sent this to the LETTERS column yesterday...

The rise and incidence of 'mental illness' in modern society, has to prompt the question... Why?

How about considering the growth of objective, template-driven community leadership in the last forty years.  

Laws and rules are fine - for the greater good, not only for ease of administration.

People are not robots that conform to a set of rules because they're told to... Individuals need space to be - individual!  Leadership exists for the community, not the leaders themselves.  A simple concept that may solve a lot of social issues.

You know...
I'm not all that fussed any more about being 'liked'.  but I still yearn to be involved in a conversation on a regular basis.  This is one of the things that family and work would normally provide - and I don' have work, and the family seem pretty detached.  My illness - some sort of 'attachment' disorder.

I'm not so unusually generous or sharing, but I realised far too late, that I usually defer to let others have their way - even if I disagree with their choice.  it hasn't ended well.

I just went looking around the house to see who's home - no one.

The only phrase I can recall that AEC says occasionally, is 'Just stop talking'... and MADC - 'Close the door on your way out'...

FMA is different. She tells me (over and over and over...) how the kids aren't living up to her expectations of personal development, despite being popular and welcome everywhere exception at home...  heart breaking.

I honestly can't remember anything engaging they've said to me - no wonder I hide in my room all day and night!

Maybe this is why no one talks to each other - fear of being challenged of taking sides, or criticised for having your own standards...

I finally think I have a handle on my woes... not a solution, but some understanding.

I mentioned last year that commitment isn't a problem, but I seem to lack 'attachment' relationships...  i wa trying to figure out why, and when this started.

While I can fairly clearly tie it to around the time my mother died, I don't think it was directly related - simply a coincidence of being adolescent at the time.

What I'd clearly *not* recall, is having any carefree moments in my life.  I don't exactly know what that means, but I wasn't 'carefree' nor were the people I had connections with.  There was always a tension, sense of purpose, obligation... nothing ever happened because it just happened.  Yet I know and gave watched others all my life that learned how to relax, and ignore the status-quo for their own enjoyment... I simply always wanted to be part of things and to belong... and failed miserably on both counts.

Next chapter?

I feel happiness for my kids and others success and achievements, but am not happy myself.

Maybe that saying is true... happiness is overrated?

Happy 'Good Friday'

Every public holiday should come with a free prescription for Valium and anti-depressants.  Luckily I have both.  Good day sir.

Many, many years ago, I consciously took it upon myself to stimulate myself and those around me me - by asking questions, or answering in a way that would make the other person think a little harder... that was a complete flop, as I didn't realise the general population are dumber, and less interesting than a sack of sand on a beach.  All I achieved was to become isolated from being different.

What will I do very day when AEC doesn't need a lift?  The only other stuff I do us eat and sleep.

I'd like to do more, but it seems nobody wants what I sell!

Am I still alive, or just going through the motions?

This is a terrible thing to say, but I think I've given up looking for a reason to live.

I know it's Easter, and long slow days, but I'm just not interested any more - in anything.

Not a hunger strike, but I don't care if I eat or not.  Medication doesn't mean anything.  I'm just waiting to die.

I try to initiate conversations or discussions that can add to, but am routinely ignored. No response if engagement ever.  The idea is keep on trying until something comes through, but how long is long enough?

I reckon if you don't want to eat, can't walk properly, and live in a solitary existence long enough... it has to be a good indicator!

Oh well. I'll shut up and sit down again. My ideas aren't worth anything.

I'd like to laugh or smile sometimes.  Perhaps to talk with someone as well.

Even the cat gave me the brushoff!  She's slept in the middle of the hallway locked outside MADCs door, rather than on the bed with me!  

I just realised that I'm coming up for 4 years so nice I had a life of any sort...  Seven years since I had any dignity or self-confidence.   Yay. Let's celebrate.

Eat, sleep.

health and other issues

neuropathy

hands - weakness and lack of fine sensation in fingers.  dry skin... I think!

legs - not much below calves.  severely affects balance and stability on in level surfaces.

difficulty standing for any lengthy period.

walking in a straight line, getting up from unusual sitting or prone position.

both - prone to burns, cuts and scratches without realising!

metabolism...?

anxiety/panic very easily with recent circumstances, and lack of a social framework.

uncontrolled body swearing - even in cooler, or air conditioned spaces 

social skills were poor, now all but collapsed with lack of human interaction

I've always related better to 'things' than people...!

employment skills for 30+ years were very industry specific, and leading edge.  no equivalent walk-in opportunities after being out of the wider workforce for ten odd years (after mp)

Seventy tablets a week for metabolism, anxiety, blood pressure, cholesterol plus daily insulin.

______

7th March 2016 - I'm just lonely.

TL;DR the one page summary!

From as early as I can remember, I've been on this socially awkward spiral.

When we left Australia at age 5, it was the beginning of a sequence of events that would in various ways lead me to where I am today... 54 years later.

Those first couple of years, travelling to the US and Canada were mind opening, and stimulating - but introduced a couple of challenges.  The first was that we lived in multiple locations cations, attended different primary schools and had different circles of friends.  This was followed up with the older of my sisters breaking away, and returning to Australia separately - in hindsight, because she probably saw the problems it would cause her.  Indeed upon reflection, it may also have contributed to my other sister's challenges in her own life.

After returning to Australia, things settled down for a couple of years, then as my sisters married, my parents moved out to Lismore to run a hotel... again interesting, but it left me in a slightly different group of 'friends' while boarding for a couple of years.  

When that adventure was over, the family of three returned to a family house in Sydney, and around 2-3 years later, my mother died unexpectedly.  Around this time,, but I remember my earliest attempts at dating, and they weren't all that successful... perhaps a harbinger of things to come?  There were a couple of girls I adored, and did connect with, but for whatever reason (mothers, school work etc.) they fizzled out like most teen romances!

Within the next couple of years, dad and I moved three doors to my 'step mother-to-be' house when they married.  Another 18 months, and between my awkwardness and our incompatibility - I was asked to move out on my 18th birthday.

When I got my licence at 18, was when I also began working, and found myself in a wider social group, but recall never forming bonds for whatever reason.  Even Saturday nights, I would either drive around by myself, or move from party/place to place - not from one group of friends to another group.  I shared a flat with another guy for a year, but we were different people working at the same place.

I put a lot of effort into my job and hobbies - modestly succeeding... but neither required me to be socially adept.  I could fly under the radar.

At age 31, in some peculiar way, Lisa and I found each other - perhaps that she was falling out of a marriage, and was outwardly a social person... but in hindsight, quite clingy.  We purchased a small house, and had two daughters in 84/85 but obviously all wasn't well in my head, as that fell apart a couple of years later when I was offered a position to start a video production company from scratch in Malaysia... in 1987.  I went away, ostensibly for a 12 month contract, but only returned 11 years later.  Lisa divorced me obviously, and within the first couple of years, she asked if I would look after the girls for a year while she regrouped herself.

Of course, I didn't realise the gravity of what I'm writing now, and desperately wanted to be loved - and   hooked up with Fatimah... we were both needy, but the worst people either of us could have picked.  We were lucky that she was busy as a lecturer, and I was occupied in the TV industry... but that was a limited time opportunity - both because of my non citizen status, and my broken personality.

We had a boy and girl in 93/97, and moved back to Melbourne to a good job opportunity for me.

That was a great job, and gave me some good exposure in my areas of interest... sadly, I spotted opportunities, but didn't realise that I lacked the social networking skills to bring them together...  I resigned to follow my dreams and almost fell flat on my face... sometimes with the help of others (PC & his hydroauditing project).

Luck saved me with the chance to develop a completely new solution, product and business - mediaproxy, which became an almost overnight success.  Selling internationally with a good reputation.  My mistake was believing in myself, and taking on a business partner that loved himself a little more than our business relationship.

My own business naivety, lack of social ability, and simple mistakes allowed him to steal the whole company in 2007/8.  

By this time, at age 55, my unmanaged diabetes, which was diagnosed in 2000 - was beginning to manifest, and the added stress of becoming unemployed and broke - accelerated the symptoms.  I had put all my eggs in one basketball-again - and painted myself into a corner without leaving windows open.

I tried looking for work in the 'old places' but the industry had moved on, and my skills were very specific to a narrow set of industries that had moved forward in the meantime.   I took a technical sales related job, but as a non-social person, that was a very limited success, and lasted a year before we mutually agreed that I'd be better doing something else...!  A year later, I secured a role as technical guru to support another sales based company... this also lasted a year before the whole company imploded and went into receivership.

Back to the present.

The two older girls live in Sydney near their mother Lisa, and have been affected in their own ways by ear and my mistakes.  They have challenges that I can't fix, other than to offer love and guidance.

The two younger children have turned out really well, but without their being aware, I've been very conscious of making their lives as stable as possible despite clear differences in Fatimah and my parenting styles.  They'll be fine.

The story of my life.  You can only do what you think is right at the time. If you're underinformed, or lacking belief in yourself - you miss out on a lot.  When the time is gone, it's gone.